Chris doesn't know how he arrived in his predicament, and nopony knows how to get him back. The future is unknown, and getting attacked by almost everything is not going to well for him. Plus he has no idea where he is, but the worst part is how the multicolored ponies seem to be 100% real.
This is my first time writing a fanfic, also I will probably mess up in how the characters will act. Creative criticism would be beneficial and I would ask you to give some thoughts on this story. Also chapters should be added daily, if I can write them fast enough.
Chapters (3)
Not that bad for a first chapter, but like you said, there are grammar mistakes. Be sure to capitalize the names of characters and not words like "Spear".
Other than that, hope you get better. Liked and fav to see your progress.
As regards grammar:
I've noticed quite a few simple spelling errors, such as mixing up "off" and "of". A proofreader might help with that. In addition to that, look up the rules for quotations; they're a bit complicated at first, but you'll pick it up.
As regards style:
Try to read any lines you write for characters back to yourself in their voices. If you notice that they don't sound quite like themselves, find out why. In this chapter, Spike and Twilight sound stilted because they aren't using any contractions ("You have been in here" would sound more natural as "You've been in here").
Also, you're describing the human's morning in much more detail than it needs. Do we really need to know what the man's street number was, or how his bedroom was decorated, or the exact way he took his shower? Cut out any sections that don't assist the story and your writing will improve.
As regards story:
What was in the mysterious room? What do you mean, it wasn't part of his house? Why doesn't he use it much? I understand if you want to keep those things secret until later, but they'd better be pretty important secrets or you'll just annoy your readers.
It always annoys me slightly when someone characterizes the royal guards as a bunch of testosterone-fueled morons. Admittedly, there's a strange creature that has somehow infiltrated Canterlot Castle, and I can see them being alarmed, or even aggressive, but it rubs me the wrong way to see the most highly trained military group in Equestria immediately react with an angry "GET HIM!"
Final note, the Everfree Forest is nowhere near Canterlot, and it certainly isn't directly outside Canterlot Castle's front door.
In conclusion, nice try, but it needs a lot of work.
3248665 thank you for the information, and yes, i will be using the room later in the story, so good catch there.
Also thank you for letting me know about the forest, I am not to well familiarized with the show.
My advice will be don't try to write a chapter a day, maybe one or two chapters a week is better. Either way, good luck!
I don't see any errors, but I almost never do, so I'm not much help there. I can, however, give compliments on good stories! This is a good one so far and I will definitely be seeing where this goes!
3248786 I now have to agree with you, It's just that I hate waiting for the fanfics that i follow to add chapters, and I don't want to become that writer who posts a chapter a month.
Lol, good so far. Though it's kinda short. Also not written too well
3410195 The author said that they did this on an ipod.
I think you meant to put princess instead of process. Great chapter and can't wait for more.
3412346 thanks for that.
3413112 Yup!
Ggood, ima watch this
Loving, this. Thos why does it just randomly stop
Okay so what did I miss, any liked and faved
3425585 thanks.
You prose style is kind of hard to read, because of the peculiar sentence structure.
An example:
This sentence could have been written as
This sentence flows better and is easier to read.
I get the feeling you're trying to lengthen the story with unnecessary details and the strange structure.
Don't do that. Save details for when something is critical, or the moment is.
It either did or it didn't. If the windows did cover the entire wall, say so. If they didn't, say they almost covered the entire wall.
Period and capitalization required.
Periods and capitalization required.
Again, periods and capitalization required.
Now to review the plot!
So the first half of the chapter is stuff that has no impact on the overall plot.
Bad form. Massive violation of the conservation of detail.
Now, onto the scene where the man wakes up (I'm going to call him Annon from now on).He was unconscious. They could have thrown him in a cell, instead of waiting for him to wake up and then going after him.
Not only that, but you suddenly jump from way too much detail, to too little.
Ok, how twilight reads the book is not how she does it in the show. She holds books below her face.
Twilight being inside for two days is horribly wrong. Twilight doesn't do that since she moved to Ponyville.
Did you mean: Starswirl the Bearded?
Spike, they wouldn't be there yet!
Oh wow, missed this error. It should have been
And with that, onto the next chapter!