Chapter One v1.1
The sweat that quickly ran down his neck soon evaporated, taking away the heat of his morning jog, cooling his body. He slowed his pace and stopped in front of a white mailbox with the numbers 4815 imprinted to the side. He reached out and pulled the lid down, retrieved the small group of bills and letters, then proceeded to close the metal lid. With the morning mail in hand, he slowly made his way to his front door, taking in deep breaths of the cool, fresh air. As he reached the front step, his sweat covered hands made their way down to his pocket, returning with his iPod. Turning of his music, he took off the bag that was stuck on his back, pulled the zipper along the edge of the bag, and dropped the small device into the opening. His hands the advanced to the bottom of the bag, and keys emanated with them from the bag to the keyhole in the door.
As the door swung open, the man returned the bag to his back and walked into the house. His shoes were kicked off, the mail left on a nearby table, and the bag dropped on the floor. He strolled down a hallway, turned, and pressed the power button on a remote. The screen across the room reacted by showing a blank fuzz. To which the man in turn pushed more buttons, the screen altered its previous fuzz to show a news report on the weather for the weekend, which somehow said that there would be a major storm soon.
"Probably wrong as always.” The man whispered to himself, his voice was deep and a slight amount of annoyance was portrayed in the way he had spoken.
The TV was then turned off, and the man turned back to face the way he had come, and stepped down the hallway, and walked up a set of stairs. Once at the top, he turned and made his way to the end. A closet was opened, a yellow towel taken out, and then the door was closed. Another door was opened, this one leading to a bathroom with a white tile floor and black walls. The towel was hung on a hook, and the clothes on the man taken off.
Hot water poured out of a faucet as the man rotated the shower controls, and the room was quickly filled with steam. And he stepped into the water. The sweat was almost immediately washed away, and shampoo then went on the short, black hair that hung on the man’s head. Afterwards he let the warm water pour over his body, leaving him to his own thoughts.
The water was cut off after some time, and the man reached out for his towel. He was patted dry and then dried his hair as he went to the mirror across from the shower. Wiping away the water that had cooled to the glass, he looked at himself. He had green eyes and a good amount of stubble on his face, due to the fact that he had not shaved in quite some time. His face was clean, lacking freckles or pimple scars.
The towel was then wrapped around his waist, and he walked out of the steamy room into the cooler hallway. He then proceeded to the other end towards a door. When this door was opened, it showed a bedroom, which had a white carpet and windows that seemed to cover the entire wall space. The bed was black, with a painting of a mountain above it.
He walked to the right to a black, wooden dresser. Opening the drawers, he produced a pair of jeans and a plain white t-shirt. He dressed quite quickly, and went back down the stairs. At the bottom, he turned to his right, into a room, but as soon as he walked through the doorway, he forgot the reason for coming into the room. He usually never used the room, and he did not feel as if there was any reason to be in there. He was too busy thinking of why he was in the room, to notice that the room was in fact, not part of his house. But before he could have the chance to realize where he was, he passed out.
The man awoke, with the feeling of being hit in the head with a lead pipe, realizing that he was on the floor. He groaned as he went to stand up. The first thing he noticed after he got up was that there were a lot of horse related items in the room he was in. Things like sculptures to paintings. The next thing he realized was that he had no idea how he arrived in the room.
His thoughts were cut off as he heard voices coming from behind a door.
"Hey man, did you see that new coffee shop in town?” one of the voices said.
"Naw man, why, is it good? " the other one replied.
"Nope! But the ladies that go there are. "
Laughs were exchanged and the men continued their conversation as the lost man went for the door. After opening it, he saw that he was in a huge hallway of some sort. This also contained mostly horse based art.
"They must really like their horses.” the man said as he made his way toward the voices. "But this place is huge, must be some sort of cast..." he stopped halfway through his sentence, because he had just seen the source of the voices were not human. In fact, they were horses.
The horses were in a metal suit of Armor. And they too were stopped mid-sentence. The three beings stood still, not letting down their eye contact. The man's jaw dropped, somehow he knew that this was some kind of joke, it had to be. How could a horse talk? But before anything could be done, the first horse yelled.
"GET HIM!"
And they ran towards him, with spears raised, aiming at the man's chest. But before they were able to reach the man, he ran. All the way down the hallway, passing more horses in metal Armor, and as he passed them, they stopped and stared at the creature that somehow was able to run on two legs. And the man soon arrived at double doors, which were pushed opened to reveal a horse city.
"Where am I" he said as a group of pegasi flew around in the sky.
He turned to look back down the way he came, to see a sight that was supposed to only be in stories, a bunch of pony guards were high tailing it to the man, who in turn, ran towards the only cover he was able to find, which was in fact, the Everfree Forest. This being unknown to the man as dangerous, but the only thing he saw was that his attackers stopped at the edge of the woods.
On the other side of the forest, in a hollowed out tree, a purple unicorn was lying in a pile of books. One was surrounded by a purple aura and levitating above her face. The book was just barely touching her face, as she was deeply reading with all outside distractions ignored. She had yet to notice a purple dragon standing in front of her calling her name.
"Twilight" no response "Twilight!” still no response "TWILIGHT!" He yelled.
She slowly lowered the book and looked at the dragon. "Yes?" She replied.
"When are you going to go outside? You have been in here for more than two days. "
"Oh I know Spike, it’s just that this book is quite interesting, it is about a wizard back in the time before Princess Luna's banishment, and he really was a great wizard. He even taught the princesses once."
"That's really interesting, but the princess wants you to be with your friends, and what you’re doing isn't that" he stopped and put his hand up to his mouth and burped. But with the burp came a letter. He paused and picked it up. "It's from the princess.”
A purple aura surrounded the scroll and was then brought over to the unicorn, who read it. Once the letter was read she squealed. "A new animal was found in the castle and the princesses want the elements to be there to help if necessary.” A grin spread across Twilight's face.
"Why are you so happy about that? They could be in danger. "
"Spike, this is a new, never before seen animal we are talking about. I could be the first pony to study it; my notes would be the most important thing about this. I would be able to write books and reports and articles about this. And this also could be a test that Celestia has made for me. "
"Whatever.” he sighed and continued "do you want me to send letters to the rest of the elements about this. “He already knew the answer and that Twilight would want everything written down.
"Yes, and make sure that everything is noted and signed. I want this to be able to be put in any research papers. "
The dragon then walked over to the desk that was across the room, and began to write.
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Not that bad for a first chapter, but like you said, there are grammar mistakes. Be sure to capitalize the names of characters and not words like "Spear".
Other than that, hope you get better. Liked and fav to see your progress.
As regards grammar:
I've noticed quite a few simple spelling errors, such as mixing up "off" and "of". A proofreader might help with that. In addition to that, look up the rules for quotations; they're a bit complicated at first, but you'll pick it up.
As regards style:
Try to read any lines you write for characters back to yourself in their voices. If you notice that they don't sound quite like themselves, find out why. In this chapter, Spike and Twilight sound stilted because they aren't using any contractions ("You have been in here" would sound more natural as "You've been in here").
Also, you're describing the human's morning in much more detail than it needs. Do we really need to know what the man's street number was, or how his bedroom was decorated, or the exact way he took his shower? Cut out any sections that don't assist the story and your writing will improve.
As regards story:
What was in the mysterious room? What do you mean, it wasn't part of his house? Why doesn't he use it much? I understand if you want to keep those things secret until later, but they'd better be pretty important secrets or you'll just annoy your readers.
It always annoys me slightly when someone characterizes the royal guards as a bunch of testosterone-fueled morons. Admittedly, there's a strange creature that has somehow infiltrated Canterlot Castle, and I can see them being alarmed, or even aggressive, but it rubs me the wrong way to see the most highly trained military group in Equestria immediately react with an angry "GET HIM!"
Final note, the Everfree Forest is nowhere near Canterlot, and it certainly isn't directly outside Canterlot Castle's front door.
In conclusion, nice try, but it needs a lot of work.
Ggood, ima watch this
You prose style is kind of hard to read, because of the peculiar sentence structure.
An example:
This sentence could have been written as
This sentence flows better and is easier to read.
I get the feeling you're trying to lengthen the story with unnecessary details and the strange structure.
Don't do that. Save details for when something is critical, or the moment is.
It either did or it didn't. If the windows did cover the entire wall, say so. If they didn't, say they almost covered the entire wall.
Period and capitalization required.
Periods and capitalization required.
Again, periods and capitalization required.
Now to review the plot!
So the first half of the chapter is stuff that has no impact on the overall plot.
Bad form. Massive violation of the conservation of detail.
Now, onto the scene where the man wakes up (I'm going to call him Annon from now on).He was unconscious. They could have thrown him in a cell, instead of waiting for him to wake up and then going after him.
Not only that, but you suddenly jump from way too much detail, to too little.
Ok, how twilight reads the book is not how she does it in the show. She holds books below her face.
Twilight being inside for two days is horribly wrong. Twilight doesn't do that since she moved to Ponyville.
Did you mean: Starswirl the Bearded?
Spike, they wouldn't be there yet!
Oh wow, missed this error. It should have been
And with that, onto the next chapter!