• Member Since 17th Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen 8 hours ago


loves tiaras.


Shining Armor learns the most important tactical lesson of his life.

Audio version! https://youtu.be/YgDr0Xc6rN8

Now with a Spanish translation by Spaniard Kiwi!

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 572 )

Done as a blockbreaker so I can finally get on with "Contraptionology!" Whatever, brain.

That was seriously silly, amusing though :pinkiehappy:

A pegasus wife comes with a +2 accuracy bonus. A unicorn wife comes with a +1 to damage, thanks to the horn. An alicorn wife, though... what kind of bonuses does she come with?

well written sir, well written



I loled.

Colorblind dam.

Taking the horse terminology one step too far.

This was a supremely silly story, and made me laugh like a hyena on nitrous oxide. Congrats for another piece of brain-twisting awesomeness! :rainbowlaugh:

Yup, I was amused. That's probably all there is to say about this although I was expecting a different ending where it turned out Shiny was having some sort of recurring prophetic dream.


Edit: I actually wrote my version of the ending. See my own reply to this post.


+2 accuracy and +1 to damage? Could it be that simple?

you did that.
You actually did. And did it well.
I applaud this piece of insanity!

BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!! :trollestia:

Tactical Cadence inbound!

Hay no!
Alicorn horns are pointier and provide aerodynamic flight, leading to a +1 increase in damage and accuracy.
The wings also increase the speed of the projectile, leading to an additional +1 to damage.
Final stats for an alicorn spousal projectile: +3 accuracy, +3 damage.
Truly a weapon of celestial might.

The earthpony wife adds +1 damage. A unicorn wife negates magical armor on the target. Read your rulebook, man!
There are no rules for alicorn wife combat. If your GM allowed you to marry one of the princesses, please forward his name and address so he can be tried before the mighty council of p&p-roleplayers.

Good thing King Sombra didn't have any pointed sticks.

The Wifleman's Creed!:rainbowderp:

But what do the mares in the Guard use?:rainbowhuh:


"They use their wives too, you maggot! I don't give a damn if the guardsponies under my command are mares or stallions, they get themselves a damn wife and they use her for the defence of Equestria! We're an equal opportunity nation for a reason and don't you forget it!"

(I really hope that doesn't count as RP)


Just about the only excuse I would've accepted, frankly. :pinkiesmile:

I was expecting some fine, thoughtful fanfiction based on the new canon revealed by the Crystal Empire, and what do I get? This.

Actually, I really liked it. What does that say about me?


I can't stop laughing. :rainbowlaugh:


That makes sense.


Hey, just because I refuse to "upgrade" past the 2.0 ruleset doesn't mean I'm unfamiliar with the rules! I'm just not familiar with the new rules. And, by "new", I mean anything within the last decade or so. I don't think they had that property until the 2.75 ruleset.

My GM actually had some house rules on alicorn wives, but it was for NPCs only. He considered it to be a bit too overpowered for regular PCs to run around with alicorn wives. And, trust me, you don't know fear until you have a level 5 half-unicorn rogue staring down the barrel of an extremely vexed ballistic wedded alicorn. There's no saving throw for that, man. You're just toast.

"This is my wife... there are many like her, but this one is mine..."

I LOL'd! :rainbowlaugh:

Ironically, not only was she his wife, she was his charge as well... so... to defend her against the evil, he had to throw her *at* the evil... ...

Seems Legit. :eeyup:

That explains why they both knew what to do.

"Of all the weapons in the vast pony arsenal, nothing was more profitable than Princess Miamora Candance model of 947. More commonly known as Cadence, or Miamora. It's the world's most popular assault wife. A weapon all fighters love. An elegantly simple <undisclosed> pound amalgamation of sugar, spice and everything nice. It doesn't break, jam, or overheat. It'll fly whether it's covered in evil crystals or filled with supernatural despair. It's so easy, even a colt can throw her; and they do. The Equestrians put her on a coin. The Crystal Empire put her on their flag."

With apologies to Lord Of War, Yuri Orlov, and basic human decency.

wiflemen form up!



Screw it, I wrote my version of the ending. Here it is!


Shining Amour jerked bolt upright in his bed, his heart racing and his lungs sucking in as much air as they could take. Beside him, Cadence shifted under the blankets.

"Shining?" she asked softly into the pillow, obviously still half asleep. Even now, with no make up on and drooling slightly onto the bedding, she was beautiful. She was also intelligent, kind and had a such zest for life that she made Shining feel more alive just by being in her presence. He was, he remarked to himself once again, an incredibly lucky colt. He wasn't quite sure what he had done to deserve her, but by the Sun and Stars he hoped whatever it was he was doing, he could keep doing it.

However, in the wake of the dream, a new thought wormed its way into his head, one that he knew would be impossible to shake. It was the kind of thought that, once considered, would return unbidden weeks or months later, probably quite randomly and at the oddest moments.

Was his beautiful, intelligent, kind wife also a suitably deadly projectile weapon?

"It's nothing dear," he said as he settled back into a comfortable sleeping position, "I just a strange dream. Go back to sleep."

"Hummmmm," said Cadence unintelligibly, oblivious of everything. Beside her, Shining closed his eyes, yet after a few minutes he found he was unable to find sleep.

He did the only thing he could do.

He rolled over to get a better look at his wife and began to consider the question that had been thrust upon him.


I was waiting for someone to write a fanfiction about this and lo and behold! Here it is, right ahead of time. Nice work.

Monty Python reference for the win!

"Well then you marry her and disarm him!"

-All my laughter, seriously!

Wow. That was hilarious. Thumbed up.

I love this fanbase.... I really do! :rainbowlaugh:

Where is the upthumb button on these comments? I need one! Like, bad!

I started laughing somewhere around the "Wifleman's Creed" and didn't stop until well after the end of the story. Bravo!

Hmm. This story appears to be 3 words too short :rainbowwild:

btw, I'd already heard "Marital arts" as comment on that scene, too :rainbowlaugh:

Upgrades, schmupgrades!
The only saving grace for anything pre-2.0 was "but it has ponies!". You just rolled into the dungeon had a dice roll orgy with everyone at the table and distributed the loot and XP. I'm just not the dungeon crawler type of player. Everything was designed on "get wife, throw wife, upgrade wife". I mean, what's the point?
At least the new rules include more background beyond a world map, a rule set for fights and a list of random monsters.
That was just sad. Although the 10 foot pole always made me chuckle. :rainbowlaugh:

I told Razed his would happen. I said it would happen soon. I was not disappointed.


This is magnificent.

This is a work of art.


The Earth Pony wife ignores damage resistance as a magical, Adamantine and good weapon.

The Pegasus Pony wife triples the range increment of the throw, and provides a +2 morale bonus to accuracy and damage.

The Unicorn Pony wife penetrates all protection spells with the Abjuration descriptor, and defensive psionic powers with the Psychokinesis descriptor.

The Alicorn (Pegasus Unicorn Pony) wife may select one of the above bonuses at each throw.

Nicely done!

Surprised I haven't yet seen deviations with Colossus throwing Cadance, Shining throwing Wolverine, or Cadance demanding to be a Fastball Special and Shining asking "What's a fastball?".

Nicely done, good sir.

Good Lord, the cleverness... It's- it's everywhere...

It's been a long time since I've read a story that is both profoundly stupid, and yet so beautiful. You sir, have a thumb up.

oh god, i can't stop laughing. :rainbowlaugh:thumbed and fave

Shining forgets a very important fact about the military, it's the Noncoms that run the show.
God I was cracking up by the middle, there is nothing more to say


Heh. I remember that scene! :rainbowlaugh:

Jack Black voice: Alicorn wife!? Toss that shit!

Wifleman's creed and this line did it for me:

"Mark my words, colt, the day is going to come when you'll need to take your wife in your hooves, lift her, bodily, over your head, and chuck her at the enemy!"



Silver out!

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