White Noise

by Ninjadeadbeard

Kaboom

Once upon a time, long before there was ever a magical land of Equestria, there was nothing. Absolutely, positively nothing. No light. No sound. No matter. No energy.

There was only one thing in all the universe. In fact, there was only one thing that comprised the entire universe.

Princess Galactica.

This truly ancient, wondrous being was an alicorn above any that came after. She was more beautiful than anything that ever existed before (which was nothing) or since (which is everything). Her coat, mane and tail were all the same color; a galactic nebula of swirling colors and lights. Looking upon her was like looking upon the entire night sky all at once. And her cutie mark was a brilliant starburst, though we must keep in mind that stars, at this point, did not yet exist.

Now, one might think that, being the only being in all of existence, she would become quite bored. But, no! In fact, Princess Galactica was quite content with existing.

She was existence, after all. And within her mind and body and soul, every story and tale and song rang true.

Princess Galactica was complete. She was content.

But then, one day, something happened.

“Hm?” she asked the utter void. “What was that?”

She’d thought she’d heard something. And when you’re everything, hearing something that’s not you can be quite troubling.

“Must have been the wind,” she reasoned. Then, her celestial brows knitted together as she considered what she’d just said. “But there’s no such thing as wind… oh!”

She’d heard it again!

It was coming from somewhere near the back! Or, middle?

Galactica craned her eternal neck around, and started scouting out possible locations for where The Noise had come from. After a few moments, she heard it again, and narrowed her search to…

“My stomach?” She stared at her perfect, svelte little belly, and wondered how it could possibly be the source of…

There it was again.

It was a most peculiar sound. Like a growl. Or a murmur. Since Sound didn’t exist yet, Galactica had trouble determining which.

“Was it something I ate?” she asked herself. “No, that’s silly. I haven’t eaten anything yet. Because food isn’t a thing. I am being silly.”

But still, it was odd that she could hear it. And so, Princess Galactica leaned in, and watched her belly most suspiciously. She watched it with intensity. She gave it a lick, just in case taste could tell her something.

It grumbled again.

“Huh…” she wondered aloud. Deciding to be proactive, she gave her stomach an explorative poke with her horn. “I wonder what…”

And then, she exploded.

---

Scootaloo’s eyes widened as Twilight reached the end of her tale.

“Whoa… awesome!”

The rest of Miss Cheerilee’s class seemed to all agree, since the entire room full of colts and fillies erupted into cheers. Even Cheerilee herself applauded the Princess of Friendship as she came to the end of the story.

“Was that really how the universe began?” asked the pinto-colored Pipsqueak.

“Admittedly, probably not,” said Twilight with an excited smile. “But, as we learn more about our universe through the magic of friendship and science, maybe we will find out how the universe came to be one day. In fact…”

Twilight took a few steps to her left, and approached the mysterious object she’d brought with her to Miss Cheerilee’s class. She gripped the edge of the sheet covering it, and with dramatic flair she revealed it… dramatically.

The whole class oo’d and aah’d as they witnessed the unveiling of the mysterious machine.

“It’s so… beautiful!” said Apple Bloom.

“It’th athtounding!” said Twist.

“What is it?” asked Silver Spoon.

Twilight waved one hoof in front of the device.

“This, my little ponies, is called a Radio!”

The colts and fillies oo’d and aah’d again. Its dials were certainly shiny, and its finish was certainly flashy.

“What does it… do?” asked Sweetie Belle.

Twilight cheered, “I’m glad you asked! Actually, it doesn’t do too much at the moment, I’m afraid. I had it imported from… ah, a friend. A friend who lives very far away…”

Nopony noticed the way the Princess’s forehead briefly broke out in sweat.

“B-but once I can secure the funding,” she went on to say, “it will allow us to broadcast shows, and plays, and even songs, all across Equestria! Why, everypony will be able to communicate with their distant friends and relatives as well, almost like giving everypony the power to send messages with magic!”

Ooh’ing and Aah’ing commenced again.

“What does that have to do with Princess Galactica, though?” Diamond Tiara sneered from the back row of the student body.

Here, a twinkle came into Twilight’s eye.

“Why, everything!” she exclaimed. “My friend Sunset Shimmer explained that where she’s from, when you turn on a radio but don’t tune it to a station or frequency…”

Twilight didn’t need the signal from Cheerilee to know she was losing most of the students. Just the look of their eyes glazing over was enough.

“… uh, nevermind the reason. My friend showed me how to do it anyway. Basically, if you’re not using it to listen to music, you can hear something called Static, or White Noise.”

She lowered her voice to a dramatic whisper that would have made even Trixie Lulamoon applaud, and then added:

“The Background Noise of the Cosmos!”

There were no ooh’s and aah’s on that one. There was no need. Twilight knew she had them again in the way that every foals’ eyes were now transfixed on the radio, their mouths all agape in shock and delight.

But then, Scootaloo’s eyes narrowed.

“Wait… wouldn’t that mean we could hear Princess Galactica exploding?”

All the other foals glared, or stared, in utter stupefaction at that comment, and even Cheerilee and Twilight couldn’t hide the pale grimace from their faces.

“I… don’t think Galactica was really real, Scootaloo,” Twilight quickly recovered. “But I think it will be a remarkable learning experience to hear the true background sound of our own universe.

“And so,” she reached out and took hold of one of the radio dials in her magic, “without further ado…”

The radio hummed to life. There was a crackle, and a pop. A low hiss began to build.

Miss Cheerilee squinted at the futuristic machine strumming to life.

“.... vetolastforever…”

“Does it sound like a voice to anypony else?”

Twilight stuck out her tongue, and tried to hone in on the signal, a momentary spark of wonder and curiosity filling her very soul.

And then…

“—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—WHHHHYAMISTILLBURNING???—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—THISPAINCANNOTBEDESCRIBEDONLYFEEEEELT!!!—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—THEREISONLYHELLANDIAMITSVICTIM!!!—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—PLEEEEEASEKILLMEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!—”

Dead-eyed, Twilight switched the radio off. She didn’t move for several seconds, hoping against hope that somehow… nopony else had heard that.

The fact that the ooh’s and aah’s from before were now drowned out by crying foals took another minute to fully register with her.

“This was a mistake…”

---

Dear Sunset Shimmer,

New Discovery. Universes whose creation was caused by an exploding deity sound very different from those caused by impersonal explosions.

Does Wallflower still have any pieces of that Memory Stone lying around? I could use some good news right now.

Your friend;
Princess Twilight Sparkle

Comments

[Bookeater_otaku]

Ah yes fantasy universes where deities are real do strange things when creations myths meet science.

Funny little one shot.

[Reviewfilly]

That was great I especially liked this line "She was more beautiful than anything that ever existed before (which was nothing) or since (which is everything)," reminds me a bit of Douglas Adams. The ending caught me by surprise as well, it is as funny as it is morbid. I wonder how Twilight came upon this creation myth. It could have been an additional nice joke to explain that she just read it in some unassuming book and figured "yeah good enough" only for it to turn out to be true.

[Gyro Pony]

Huh. In this universe, the background noise is the sound of the TARDIS burning up across all of time at once.

((Irrelevant fun fact - MLP got me into Doctor Who.))

[Str8aura]

Gods shouldn't be doing that, just existing out of nowhere. They'll break things.

-Greg Hoffman

Due to my stubbornness, I still vehemently subscribe to the 'Alicorns are gods frequently bothered by mortal annoyances' theory. I'm glad to see we can go bigger.

[Jarvy Jared]

Always knew something was out there screaming into the void

[FanOfMostEverything]

Immortality does not guarantee invulnerability. And it is all too possible to make those who cannot die long for death.

On that cheery note, delightful bit of madness. Thank you for it.

[PingZing]

...and so it came to pass that Twilight Sparkle, known for her compassion and sheer audacity, set about to build a universe-sized morphine drip for the suffering Princess Galactica.

[Carnifaxy]

Short but amusing!

[Alondro]

11191737 That's why you have to be really smart with your wishes! Phrasing is CRITICAL!

I did it right! Immortality and PERFECT regeneration! HA!

[Ninjadeadbeard]

11191763
The sequel I wish I’d thought of!

[Rainbowderp20_12]

What i imagine happend right when twilight turned off the radio:
AAAAAAAAAAAA... Whats this? A button? Why do i have a button on me? Who knows, anyway ima press it.

So i have a button to turn of exploding myself? Thats kinda cool i guess
(Insert something about how galactica relized twiggle and the class listend in and she decides to assure their minds on that she is fine)

[PingZing]

11191792
Story ideas are always free to a good home =D

[ThePinkedWonder]

Par of me wonders if Discord's chaotic powers is making him have to always hear/sense Galactica's screaming.

If so, no wonder he's nuts

[The Ancestor]

11191666
Bloody hell that was a good season ending, got me very emotional too.

Just like this story! Although I must admit this got me laughing instead of crying.

A lovely one shot, to the favourites it goes!

[Scratchpad]

It was funny. Don't get me wrong, but now I'm beset with doubts whether there should be a horror tag included on this?

[Trick Question]

[Hobbestc]

BwaHAHHAHAHAA

[B_Munro]

11191717
I can't help admire your steadfastness, after seven seasons [1] of the show sucking the wonder out of Alicorns.

[1] To be fair, the full suck doesn't start until after season five.

[Star Sage]

11192072
I mean, end of the day, one of them ruled one of the most powerful nations on the planet for over 1000 years, and the others barely seemed to be inconvenienced by the things around them, such that even when their powers were stolen, they came back, even in circumstances that made such eventualities unlikely.

Always remember, at the end of the day.
'If you are a god, remember to use a light touch. At the end of the day, make the mortals think you didn't do anything at all, - The Remains of God and a Space Probe that collided with God, Futurama

[falloutshelters]

The foals can have a little trauma, as a treat.

[Bojack H]

[RDT]

:)

[Rambling Tree]

derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/9/16/428977.jpg

[Bojack H]

In the beginning there was nothing

but then it exploded.

[justheretoreadstories]

I blame the WTF BOOM guy.

[Skulljack17]

11191894
I mean, it might be more of an existential horror. Or at least a rather funny kind.

[Hazey Logic]

I really thought this was going to be an elaborate set up for a "unicorns fart rainbows" joke.
You can convert light waves into sound and vice versa (a frequent trick in ARGs) so i thought Twilight would rig up some machine to read the background radiation of the universe and it would just be one long fart. The entire MLP:FIM universe being primordial alicorn flatulence.

[Ninjadeadbeard]

11191816
It was either go mad or drink.

[Iron Comet]

I am amused.

[Axolotl222]

My Little Pony: The Big bang theory is magic.

(The cosmological model, not the sit-com).

[Scratchpad]

11193269
Yup, that's what I was thinking.

[Alondro]

In the beginning, there was nothing... and then ALONDRO!!

And Alondro looked into the darkness... and the darkness looked into Alondro... and promptly pissed its pants.

And Alondro spake, "LET THERE BE THIS STORY!!" And it was so, and Alondro found the story good.

[Alondro]

I can relate to Princess Galactica.

I've had intestinal anaphylaxis... except it feels like your intestines are IMPLODING and trying to pull the rest of your organs into them, while your body bursts out in hives and your lungs collapse.

The only worse pain I can describe was MRSA. On my butt. 10 boils all at once.

[Ninjadeadbeard]

11194236
Uhhhh.... oh. Sorry?

At least Princess Galactica's story touched you!

[SigmasonicX]

This was a nice little absurd story that managed to keep everyone in character, which is especially commendable in cases like this.

[Alondro]

11194417 Agonizing internal pain is something I understand!

[NinjaNin]

Absolutely wonderfully silly. Loved it

[Super Trampoline]

“B-but once I can secure the funding,”

BITCH YOU ARE LITERALLY THE GOVERNMENT

11192238
A+ reference

I love how scootaloo had a realization that this is background cosmic radiation.
TBH this is a great way of explaining background cosmic radiation.
But also since this is the case, wouldnt this signal be coming from (length of time since the equestion universe was born) years ago?

Im going to show this story to resident fimfic particle physicist Pineta he'll love it!
seriously go read his blog posts they're all about this sort of shit!
https://www.fimfiction.net/user/71233/Pineta/blog

[Ninjadeadbeard]

11219891

BITCH YOU ARE LITERALLY THE GOVERNMENT

No one, not even a Princess of Equestria, may command the Nazpones, the Treasury Wraiths. Those fell beasts are the true monsters...

And thank you! Spread the word! With every share, my plot for world domination horse words moves forward!