"BooOOooOOooOOooOOrrRRrrRReDD!"
Klink!
Klink!
Kl-Klink!
My fists clenched, hovering just above the keyboard. A boiling bubble of frustration ripples through me, and I do my best to suppress the urge to scream. After all, there's just so many times I can allow my writing sessions to be interrupted by repetitive onomatopoeia.
The noise continues. This time on one line: Klink! Klink! Klink!
I clench my eyes shut. I should just ignore it. I should just ignore it. I should just ignore it.
Klink!-Klink!-Klink!-Klink!-Klink!-Klink!
The percussive noise becomes gatling gun cacophony now. It occurs to me that my act of ignoring is precisely what has caused the tempo to increase to such a maddening degree. No doubt, I am being baited. And considering this pony, I'm not too terribly surprised.
At long last, the noise cuts out... only for a raspy voice to fill the space left above me:
"I'm... so... borrrrrrrrrrrrred..."
I exhale out the side of my mouth, leaning in and pretending to concentrate on my word document. "You don't say..."
"Like... I'm the Duchess Mayor of Boredville, Boredtopia right now."
"Uh huh." I type out a sentence. It's awful. I backspace through it with a groan. "Stop taking it out on my ceiling fan."
Immediately, she disobeys me. Klink! "But it's so... metallic and swing-y," she whines. In my peripheral vision, I spot her ghostly blue figure reclining upside down on the ceiling, looking like an antigravity feline on Zoloft. With a limp, lazy hoof she bats at the dormant fan's support strut, making the whole thing sway. The electric lamps affixed to the object cast a twirling spotlight on the entirety of the office below. "Could you at least turn it on? Then I'd have something... I dunno... whizzy to look at."
"Don't say 'whizzy,'" I mutter, fingers tickling the computer keyboard, stuck in limbo. "You're too old for that."
"Pffft! You don't know how old I am."
"You're dead, turning on heavenly host."
"Death is boring. You're boring."
"At last..." I mutter. "An equivalence I can live up to."
"What are you writing?" Rainbow Dash asks looking straight up... down?... at me.
"Nothing you'd be interested."
"You mean what you're writing is boring."
"You're not the intended audience."
"Try me." Rainbow's voice cracks. "Is it about explosions?"
"No."
"It should be about explosions."
"It's about nihilists," I say.
Her cyan muzzle scrunches up above. "Nihilists?"
"Lesbian fairy nihilists," I said. "The 'lesbian' part is for marketability."
"Yeah? And the 'fairy' part?"
"It's my loophole around Patreon's terms of services."
"Yeesh. You gotta be really sad and desperate to write stuff like that."
I shake my head. "Not as sad and desperate as the poor saps who shop Amazon Kindle."
"I don't even know what that means."
"Good. There's still hope for you yet." I finally come up with a sentence that's not worth deleting.
Rainbow Dash waits for a typing session to end before barking: "You should let me take a crack at it."
"I don't think writing is your thing, Rainbow."
"Better than sitting here on the ceiling!"
"Do you even hear yourself right now?"
"Huh?"
With an exhale, I slump back in my seat and stare straight up at her roof-squatting figure. "You've transcended the mortal coil. You're incorporeal." I gesture wildly at her. "You can phase through walls and fly everywhere!"
"I could fly everywhere when I was alive."
I raise my eyebrow. "Yeah, but now you can... like... possess 747s and stuff."
For a brief moment, her ruby eyes light up. "What's a 747???"
I feel a cold swath of ice forming along my spine. In a nervous sweat, I clear my throat and stammer: "How about a race?"
Her ears immediately perk up. "A race...?"
"Mmmmmm-more like a time trial."
She stands up like an alert bloodhound on the ceiling. "A time trial?!?"
"Yeah... uh..." I gesture. "Fly to Gettysburg and back."
"Where's Gettysburg?"
"It's... it's..." A beat. I pull my phone out, whip out Google Maps, and glance at the compass. "...it's in that direction." I point through the closest wall. "That place has gotta be haunted as heck. There's no way you could miss it."
"Really? Are there other pony ghosts there?"
"A whale-load of Confederates died there. It's bound to be haunted by pony-lovers."
"That's... ... ... cool...?"
"Pffft..." I roll my eyes. "I knew you wouldn't be up for a challenge."
"Hey!" She leaps off the roof, does a flip, and hovers right-side-up in front of me. "Nuts to you and your lesbian fart nautiluses! I can totally fly to Galgunburgh and back!"
I fold my arms and pretend not to look at her. "Prove it..."
"You're on!" Rainbow Dash grins a crescent moon, ghost wings flapping. "I can make a full flight lap in nine seconds flat!"
My nose scrunches. I squint at her awkwardly. "Nine? Why such a specific number?"
"It's a-an upgrade!" She fluffs her chest indignantly. "I've gotta keep up with the times!"
"More like you're buying time."
"Says you!" She points at my phone. "Start your timer!"
"Pffft..." I wave a hand. "I don't need to..."
"Start your flippin' timer, ya melon fudge!"
"Fine..." I click the app in question. "Not that it matters-"
ZWOOOOSH!!! And Rainbow Dash is gone in a blue blur, leaving me to wonder how a bodiless ghosts could be capable of disturbing air molecules in such a fashion to produce a "Zwoooosh!!!" sound. But it doesn't matter. She's left my office, and I can return to my writing with full concentration.
...except that she returns, eight and a half seconds later.
SCREEEECH!!! "Mehhhhhhh..." She yawns, filling my ears with her voice before I can guess how ghost hooves could make sounds resembling braking tires as well. "All that build-up for nothing!" She fwumps out on the back of my office chair, her tail flicking through me with a cold chill. "Grannysbarge was nothing like you advertised."
I blink quizzically. My voice is accompanied by freezing vapors: "You actually made it to Gettysburg and back?"
"Yeah."
"Like... uhm... what did you see there?"
"Pffft. Like I need to fill you in."
I turn to look at her. "... ... ...Try me."
"Eh. Nothing special." She blows her prismatic bangs out of her face. "Just a dumb frozen wasteland in the middle of a starry void, occasionally venting huge jets of frozen water and hydrogen out into space..."
I blink. "Rainbow, that wasn't Gettysburg."
"Oh no?"
"I... think that was Enceladus, the second moon of Saturn."
"Yeah?" Her tail flicks through me again. "Is that far away?"
"... ... ... ... ...kinda?"
"Hrmfff..." Rainbow drapes backwards over my sofa, looking like she could fall limply through the diameter of the planet at any given moment. "I've lost my edge. I swear... I gotta find a way to exercise my wings... ... ...especially since cider drinking contests is out of the picture."
I look at her. I look at the computer. I look at her again. "... ... ...do you wanna help me with my latest chapter?"
"Meh. Lesbian nudist flamingoes aren't my thing."
"What if we added explosions?"
She perks up. Immediately. "Do you mean it?"
"Sure. Why not." I shrug. "There's gotta be a fetish for it somewhere out there."
"What if... like... there's an explosion the size of a universe..." Rainbow gestures. "...and our main characters are having to outfly it by the skin of their teeth?"
"Maybe we can settle for an explosion the size of 'Nietzsche's Hollow.'"
"What's that?"
"The story's setting. But I'm cool with incinerating it if you are."
"Cool!" Rainbow zips towards the computer monitor. "Fire! Fire!"
"Don't block my view, please." I scoot forward. "Or the keyboard."
She hovers upside down, staring at the screen. "How's this?"
"That works. So..." I stroke my fingers across the home row. "What sets off the explosion?"
"What about... a boa constrictor...?" She grins, wingtips fluttering. "It swallows up a TNT factory and barfs out dynamite towards them!"
I nod. "Considering the tags of the next chapter, that would be good foreshadowing." I type away. "So... how about we spend a full paragraph describing this python's mammary glands."
"Ha HA!" Rainbow Dash's lower legs do a ghostly jig in mid-air. "Writing is fun!"
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Point of order: A reptile cannot have mammary glands. It's in the name. Mammary -> Mammal.
10806411
Tell that to the poor(?) saps at XCOM whose last thing they saw was a pair of reptile mammary glands before they left the mortal coil.
10806413
Yeah.
.....it gets way weirder when you realize that the vipers in question were previously the thin men. Which makes just the weirdest change.
Cant we blame mammalian reptiles on the Chixculub Monotremes?
Things I did not expect reading about today:
Flying multi color ghost-ponies gleefully pondering the mammary glands of dynamite-spewing snakes.
Wait, 8.5 seconds to Enceladus? *math starts happening* Rainbow just went ca. 334 trillion miles per hour! I guess that's what happens when she no longer has a meat shell to hold her back.
Actually, I doubt that was anywhere at all. Considering this guy's house is a some kind of final destination of ponies' soul. Can the ponies' soul actually leave this place? Maybe they can materialize in this realm only within the vicinity of this house? Meaning if they leave the boundary of the house, they are not in this reality anymore?
Darn it, now I unexpectedly want a chapter about exploding lesbian nudist flamingoes
Give it two months and he'll be discussing the finer points of the underlying nature of man, beast and pony under the thin veneer of softcore fairy lesbian bdsm porn with fast ghost horse
10806413
Venom sacks
10806411
Bruh stop hating on my snake girl porn.
Also I get the feeling that short skirts has some experience writing pulpy porn in the vein of "the triceracop's lover" for money despite having little to no interest in the content.
Pfft.
Next challenge: collect proof.
I feel attacked. How else can you carry hundreds of books in one tiny tablet? It would be Twilight's favorite piece of human technology. /s
Instead of extra planetary flight, my first instinct was to consider that maybe the pony afterlife works like the afterlife in Beetlejuice (e.g. the Maitlands were stuck in their former house and if they left they were transported to a surreal, alien world with ravenous sandworms). But the MC's assumption works too.
10806411
That's the joke. You don't write about lesbian fairy nihilists if you care about plausible biology, especially when you explain that "lesbian" was for the audience and "fairy" was for the platform leaving "nihilists" as the part you actually wanted in there.
10806518
Indeed, I'm fairly certain she'll outfly the Pale Mare herself when the time comes. (Just making them all alicorns is lazy, and Dash in particular needs a more comprehensive immortality than mere agelessness).
10806411
The Truth about Snitties
cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/692825896029257748/831264863930023976/unknown.png
I am confused by this phrase. Is it a typo?
I'll give this a pass on my normal morals rule about downvoting things since it only applies to PONIES not having high moral standards with regards to sexuality, and that it is plausible that Rainbow Dash is just THAT bored as to ignore it.
10806872
There's a phrase regarding age, i.e., "sixteen, going on seventeen." The joke here is that her age is simply "dead," with the next logical step being an angel, or a member of the "heavenly host."
Awww, go ghostie Rainbow Dash. Showing off some awesome speed, still finding ways to be awesome. She even has a moment with our irritable narrator.
10806798
I just realized I made a small error. That speed is for a one-way trip out. For the trip there and back, we'd have to double that value.
I'm not even sure what's parody and what's just the insane Cherenkov radiation coming off of Skirts's brain here.
10807284
Having tried to read this, I think the answer is 'Yes'. Just 'yes'.
That is big brain space science knowldge
10805872 I knew it would work!
10806793 Technically, since he was FROM Central Asia to begin with, this allowed him an exclusionary loophole from the rule.
Also, Japan kinda won EVERYTHING until the USA got involved.
So the rule is, if you're FROM Asia, THEN you can start a land war. If you're NOT, don't bother cuz you will lose!
Michael Bay just came.
And then so did a sizeable proportion of the furry fandom.
The book went on to become #1 on Kindle for 47 weeks.
10806411 Pfft, you'd suck at genetic engineering! WE CAN PUT BOOBS ON EVERYTHING NOW!!!
And we turn to Japan for all the ideas! (also everything get tentacles...)
10806453 Yeah but guess who was more thrown off by this change than X-com.
The vipers themselves...
*suddenly thinking about a bunch of vipers reacting when they were turned into thin men*
Yeah I'll just leave that reaction to people's imagination.
Huh, I kinda wanna to hear more about those lesbanian fungi noodlers.
This was the funniest chapter yet, 😂
Now that each of the Mane 6 have had their chapters, will this continue? I've love for that, since this is gold.
Love the constant writers explicitives and the subtle story telling. Also, where can I read that story they're writing, both before and after Rainbow's additions.
A story about Explosive spewing Snake Babes?
I'd read/watch