Twilight really likes heavy metal. That's why I think Spike spends almost every day tidying up the castle. I think it's an alicorn thing...
cover made by Underpable
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coto616
Joined 21st Apr, 2020 ·
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"Then the Winged Hussars arrived!"
10547240
"coming down the montain side"
10547243
"Then the Winged Hussars arrived!
Coming down they turned the tide!"
References: Sabaton, Iron Maiden, Rammstein, Powerwolf
Juuuuuust in case heheheh
Awesome story!
Ironically, I was just listening to the exact same song before finding this...
Coincidence? Maybe.
Or is it fate?
That was hilarious good work
Nice. Could use an editor though. Lot of names not capitalized throughout.
Fun little story. Does need a edit however.
Purple smart into metal? I can see it, why not. In Ranger she is into rap.
Is the first paragraph a reference to song twilight is listening to?
Entertaining, but there was an issue. Proper nouns need to start with a capital letter. Twilight Sparkle, for example, and not twilight sparkle.
10547937
Winged Hussars, I believe.
WARNING: CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM AHEAD
Most of the sentences in the story could have been three or four sentences. It feels like I am reading from the mind of Pinkie Pie high on caffeine. Commas are great and all but you don’t have to use one or more in every single sentence. A good way to practice it is to try saying it out loud, when you reach the end of a sentence your voice will naturally pause or take a breath. Even when reading silently it makes for an easier read.
I like how Spike just faceclawed
10548022
10547937
Almost positive it's actually "The Last Stand". First and last lines match up well.
matches with
"In the heart of holy see. In the home of Christianity."
And
matches with
"Come and tell the Swiss Guards' story again."
anyone like american idiot by green day?
Welp, we know what music Fluttershy likes.
10548040
thanks for the idea I will use it in my next stories, as this is the first story I write these details I did not know them.
I would also appreciate it if someone with more experience would help me with proofreading, grammar and expressions
SABATON!
You sir, are quite daring. And cool.
Starting off on a massive run on sentance where you dont capatilize the name of any character or location is a bit like writing. "Pedophile ally" on the top of your tinder bio.
and following it up with the single worst run on sentance I've ever seen is like adding "This is not a joke." Right below that.
This reads like something a third grader would get flunked for submitting. I couldnt make it past the fourth paragraph before I had to leave.
10548377
It's ok, but it's not metal.
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People are saying it's Winged Hussars based on the image, but yeah, the song actually used in the story is The Last Stand.
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There's also the lack of proper capitalization in the story title and both the long and short descriptions. Kinda surprised anybody got past those glaring problems.
Fun
Might ought to be "Twilight sang"
10548377
I'm pretty sure everyone likes that song. It's fantastic!
10548665
Back in the day this wouldnt have gotten past the moderation thingy. It likely would have been not even allowed to be posted, and yet here we are.
10548040
I like the Oxford comma, though the Shatner comma is superior.
As a long time fan of metal, I must give this story the metal hoof.
So there's something I'm VERY confused about:
When did Starlight become a stallion, and why did he become a mare again???
After all Starlight used HIS horn. HIS. Male. Stallion.
Yet later Starlight uses FEMALE pronouns. She. Mare.
It doesn't make sense!! @.@
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This author has an incredibly poor grasp on the English language.
10548626
How is this constructive criticism? I get it, this short story *really* needs some touch-ups and several run-throughs by an editor. But to compare poor grammar (by someone you know doesn’t speak English as a primary language) to p*dophilia? It’s not even in the same concept of comparability. Where is this malice coming from and does this author really deserve that?
10549098
It's really not that deep my dude. No one is saying that not giving Twilight a capital T is the same as literally raping a child and you trying to skew it so it reads that way is downright weird. That should not be the first place your mind goes.
I also have no idea how you expected me to know they don't speak English as a first language. Furthermore, I'm fairly certain periods are used in other languages and English isn't the only one that capitalizes names.
10548626
And as a side-note, when correcting or calling out others on incorrect grammar, you probably want to add some credibility to your criticism by, you know, using correct grammar. A wee bit ironic.
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There is a difference between publishing a story and writing a comment. One day you will understand this, though it's clear that day is not today.
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Sound familiar?
And to address your twisting of my words. No. I am not saying it is ‘literally raping a child’ (as you put it). I’m calling you out for using unnecessary hyperbole and crass comparisons for simple grammatical mistakes. You’re the one who should reevaluate whether using ‘p*dophilia’ as a means of criticism is healthy.
10549109
Let me get this straight.
When you twist my words to imply that someone is a pedophile it's fine, but when I point this fact out it isn't? I'm a little baffled, but clearly you're used to performing quite a bit of mental gymnastics already. Also, are you trying to say that someone having a poor grasp of English automatically means that it's their second language? Because I don't know if you know this but people can just be bad at grammar.
That is a thing that happens. Younger people exist.
But, we're clogging up the comments here so if you really wish to keep this going I invite you to DM me.
Just for clarity's sake that was a joke, and one that did not even call anyone a pedophile. I shouldn't have to explain this to you but saying one is an ally doesn't make them that. Just like how lgbt allies are likely straight, and cis gendered.
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Apparently DM's don't wanna go through, so I'll post it here.
1. When did I do this? When did I 'imply that someone is a p*dophile'? For the record, my statement of 'You’re the one who should reevaluate whether using ‘p*dophilia’ as a means of criticism is healthy.' is not hinting at you being a p*dophile. It is not a reference to whatever sexual preferences you may or may not have. It is as it says. Not healthy.
2. You're right, there are people who are just bad at grammar. The author did say that they ran their writing through a translator, so that answers that question.
3. You think this was a good joke? Regardless, I never said you called anyone a p*dophile. Every time I referenced that word, it was to address you using that word as a tool to criticize someone's writing. Can you honestly say using 'p*dophilia' as an analogy is constructive criticism?
This all stems from my original response to you: Where is this malice coming from and does this author really deserve that?
To the author,
This is entertaining. It really is. But the grammar is terrible. This makes it very hard to read your story and enjoy it the way it is intended. I encourage you to keep writing, but pay attention to your punctuation, capitalization, and sentence structure. It needs a lot of work. I know you can improve to the point of having an audience that will enjoy your work. Take the criticism that applies to you and work with it.
Best wishes,
Andrew
10549126
And like I said, it's not that deep.
The words I used were and I quote,
in reference to a theoretical, and may I remind you NON EXISTENT person. Are you really okay throwing down this hard and writing a full-on call out post defending a human being who literally does not exist? Because that seems a little much.
So to recap. You are out here defending a theoretical person I insinuated may be a pedophile's ALLY, not an actual pedophile while the entire thing was in the context of a joke.
Yes taking everything out of context and insinuating that I was using pedophilia to insult someone sounds bad, but once it's in context, and is shown that I was merely saying so in order to say that it would raise a lot of red flags when put into someone's tinder bio then it seems a bit silly. It seems like you are purposefully taking this entire thing completely outside of its original intention for reasons I cannot even begin to imagine.
DMs are still open by the way, as is Discord if you really think this is a topic you need to keep going on though frankly, it seems as though your argument is simply.
"Any reference to the fact that child touchers exist, no matter the context, and no matter if it isn't even being used as an insult is a line that should not be crossed." Which I frankly don't agree with. If I was using it as an insult or insinuating that someone liked children then absolutely. I'd be right there with you but this is just weird because again, in context I was not insuiating anyone liked children or was using it as an insult.
10549158
I tried, but reading comprehension is not your strong suit. Good night.
10549140
I agree by the way. Your idea is interesting but the follow-through is so poor as to make it hard to even read.
Here are some resources to help you out.
Download Grammarly (which is a free app). Use a word processing software like google docs (also free) which will point out errors. Familiarize yourself with the language. Don't rely on free translators because not all languages have the exact same sentence structure, naming schemes, or even have the same underlying grammatical structure. There are several very helpfull groups on fimfiction as well as elsewhere that will help you translate things. Seek out a prereader or editor.
Also, here are some helpfull links. One. Two. Three.
10549168
The importance of context may be a difficult lesson, but it's one I'm sure you will understand one day. You are a smart person, and I have faith in you.
I literally explained about the grammar in the author's notes, but in case anyone couldn't find it here are the important points.
1 - English is not my native language and I think this is usually understood as a "second language".
2 - As English is not my native language I had to use an online translator on the whole text finally and probably that's why some sentences are not well understood for someone who has spoken the language all his life.
I appreciate the constructive criticism from many here and I know enough of what I have to fix in the future (like checking the capital letters), personally I didn't think the story was so popular (if ten people read it and one or two told me they liked it it was enough for my
)
And really that joke or comparison, was something completely out of any kind of comparison, I can't say that it affected me in a negative way, because I've been through worse, but it completely takes away all kinds of motivation to do something if you are rightly compared to something so negative of that style
Again I remind you that English is not my native language and I used an online translator for this text
10549178
Good to see that you can see past the negative criticism. I enjoy the premise of your story, and wish you luck with your future work!
10549182
Thanks man, now I'm writing a much longer story and I have a lot to fix, but your criticism and understanding really helped me a lot
10549178
As a second language, your English isn't bad. What's your first language?
10549212
Spanish is my native language, I can read in English without major problem, but write it ...
As a token of goodwill, I've rewritten your entire story, title, and description to be more grammatically correct.
Title.
Twilight likes metal.
Description.
Twilight really likes heavy metal. That's why I think Spike spends almost every day tidying up the castle. I think it's an alicorn thing...
Cover made by Underpable
Story.
Is here.
It isnt perfect. But I fixed the most glaring of issues.
The most pressing matters you have are as follows.
1. Names of places (like Ponyville, and Canterlot) and people are capitalized.
2. People do not change gender in the middle of a sentence. Twilight should be a she throughout the entire story. She should not become an IT, or a He for no reason.
3. At the end of spoken lines there is one of these ,<-
4. Separate your spoken lines into different paragraphs.
5. If the thought is complete use a period. If it is not, use a comma.
There are alot more pointers I could give but that's the most pressing.