Chapter 1 (Edited)
Year 372
"Canterlot plundering."
Dragon troops assault the Capital city. The two sisters were protected by 189 unicorn guards, who fought in front of the entrance of Canterlot castle and continued fighting while retreating back to the castle of the two sisters. Only 42 of them survived.
-------------------------------------*****-------------------------------------
It was a quiet afternoon in Ponyville. Twilight was quietly reading a book about early pony magical theory written by Starwirl the bearded. With a cup of tea on her left side and about ten books in a pile on the other side for daily "light" reading all while listening to the daily music selection from Ponyville's radio station.
Spike stood on a ladder, the dragon busy organizing the biographies of the pillars of Equestria that Ms. Cheerilee requested Twilight acquire a couple of days ago for a special job at the school. It was not a very difficult task for Spike but being first edition books they were much bigger and heavier than the more modern versions. Of course Twilight’s library had each edition of their biographies, but the first editions always had to go on the upper shelves, and each later edition goes on a lower shelf than the previous edition.
Spike, after ordering the last book of the biography, came down the stairs.
"I've finished ordering the Biography Twilight. I'm going to the kitchen to get a glass of juice and read my comics. Do you want me to bring you something?" Spike asked Twilight as he headed to the door.
"Thanks Spike! Another cup of chamomile tea, if it's not too much trouble," answered Twilight with a soft smile of gratitude.
"Not at all, Twilight. I'll be right back," says Spike as he hurried to the kitchen, closing the library door behind him.
A few seconds after Spike left the library, Twilight heard a message on the radio that put her on high alert. "Our next song is at the request of Fluters... Shy?, Fluttes...hi?, the song is called the pony guard of ponyton".
After about two minutes Spike returned to the library with a glass of orange juice and a cup of chamomile tea for twilight, only to find himself facing the huge door rumbling as if it were being hit by a big hammer... Boom... Boom…
"Twilight what's going on, what is that noi-" Spike asked twilight as he opened the library door before being interrupted and knocked into the wall by the voice of Twilight, with a force that could easily compete with the royal canterlot voice of Princess Celestia.
Twilight sang as loud as she could while standing on her back legs, with her front legs raised to the sky. Flapping and moving her head up and down with her eyes closed, not noticing the books falling from the shelves or poor Spike who was knocked out of the room when he opened the door.
A few seconds later, Starlight arrived running at full speed only to find Spike stunned on the floor with a cup and glass spilled next to him.
"Spike what's going on, what's all that noise?" Starlight covered her ears with the noise coming from the library as she tried to ask Spike, who was still stunned on the floor with only enough strength to half finish a sentence.
"Twilight... Singing... Ponyton..." were the words the poor dragon could say as he tried to recover from the force of the blow against the wall.
"What did you say spike... I can't hear you," Starlight tried to say to poor Spike who was still lying on the ground and was now pointing a claw at Twilight still singing with all her strength in the library.
“The castle of the two sisters is waiting!” She sang.
Twilight was still singing as loud as she could, now with all four legs on the floor, eyes closed, still flapping her wings and moving her head up and down, not yet noticing the books falling one by one from the shelves.
Starlight, after concentrating for a few seconds and making her horn shine, was able to create a bubble of silence over the two of them so that they could hear each other and talk without having to yell at each other.
"Wow Spike. I had no idea that twilight could sing so loud," said Starlight to Spike with his eyes wide open looking at Twilight.
When Spike stood up with a bit of work and looked at starlight with a look of resignation rather than amazement, he just wiped the dirt off his face.
"Twilight always sings like that when she hears a Ponyton song,” Spike exclaimed.
"Ponyton? I didn't know twilight liked heavy metal,” Starlight replied.
"Heavy metal, rock, power metal, industrial, any band of that style, ponyton, iron filly, yakstein, timberwolves..." Spike replied to Starlight as he counted the bands with his fingers.
Meanwhile Twilight continued in her euphoric singing without stopping the rest of the song, only now standing on her back legs and moving her front legs in what could be interpreted as an air guitar.
"And Twilight is finally finished singing, can we safely enter the library, Spike?" asked Starlight to the young dragon as she continued to watch the few books left on the shelves fall.
"It's almost finished Starlight..." replied the dragon, without changing his mood, waiting a few seconds to finish his sentence "...and then I will have to rearrange the whole library from scratch."
“Come and tell the equestrian Guards' story agaaaaain,” Twilight finished singing, with her four legs on the ground, wings outstretched, sweating and panting louder than if she had run from Ponyville to Canterlot.
Only after a few seconds does Twilight notice Starlight and Spike inside a magic bubble at the entrance of the library, which Starlight burst when she realized that Twilight was no longer singing. With piles of books all over the library and a look from Spike with a slight tone of anger in it.
"oh... Sorry Spike... could you tidy up the library for me, I'd really appreciate it," asked Twilight to the little dragon with his eyes closed, as she tries to cover a giggle that escapes her mouth with her hooves.
"Sure, Twilight... That's my job..." replied Spike to the princess of freindship in an almost mechanical tone, implying that this was not the first time he had done so, as he entered the library.
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Leondude · 1.8k words · 97 13 · 2.2k views
- LackLustre · 1k words · 20 14 · 1.4k views
- Ribe_FireRain · 2.2k words · 250 4 · 4.6k views
- boardgamebrony · 10k words · 92 5 · 6k views
- Kody Wiremane · 2.6k words · 49 2 · 1.4k views
- Boltstrike58 · 1.1k words · 23 6 · 1k views
- NorthernLegacy · 1.5k words · 110 10 · 2.6k views
- darf · 1k words · 59 4 · 1.4k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.127 seconds
Total duration
757 users online
615,792 hits today, 2,073,628 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
"Then the Winged Hussars arrived!"
10547240
"coming down the montain side"
10547243
"Then the Winged Hussars arrived!
Coming down they turned the tide!"
References: Sabaton, Iron Maiden, Rammstein, Powerwolf
Juuuuuust in case heheheh
Awesome story!
Ironically, I was just listening to the exact same song before finding this...
Coincidence? Maybe.
Or is it fate?
That was hilarious good work
Nice. Could use an editor though. Lot of names not capitalized throughout.
Fun little story. Does need a edit however.
Purple smart into metal? I can see it, why not. In Ranger she is into rap.
Is the first paragraph a reference to song twilight is listening to?
Entertaining, but there was an issue. Proper nouns need to start with a capital letter. Twilight Sparkle, for example, and not twilight sparkle.
10547937
Winged Hussars, I believe.
WARNING: CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM AHEAD
Most of the sentences in the story could have been three or four sentences. It feels like I am reading from the mind of Pinkie Pie high on caffeine. Commas are great and all but you don’t have to use one or more in every single sentence. A good way to practice it is to try saying it out loud, when you reach the end of a sentence your voice will naturally pause or take a breath. Even when reading silently it makes for an easier read.
I like how Spike just faceclawed
10548022
10547937
Almost positive it's actually "The Last Stand". First and last lines match up well.
matches with
"In the heart of holy see. In the home of Christianity."
And
matches with
"Come and tell the Swiss Guards' story again."
anyone like american idiot by green day?
Welp, we know what music Fluttershy likes.
10548040
thanks for the idea I will use it in my next stories, as this is the first story I write these details I did not know them.
I would also appreciate it if someone with more experience would help me with proofreading, grammar and expressions
SABATON!
You sir, are quite daring. And cool.
Starting off on a massive run on sentance where you dont capatilize the name of any character or location is a bit like writing. "Pedophile ally" on the top of your tinder bio.
and following it up with the single worst run on sentance I've ever seen is like adding "This is not a joke." Right below that.
This reads like something a third grader would get flunked for submitting. I couldnt make it past the fourth paragraph before I had to leave.
10548377
It's ok, but it's not metal.
10548262
People are saying it's Winged Hussars based on the image, but yeah, the song actually used in the story is The Last Stand.
10548626
There's also the lack of proper capitalization in the story title and both the long and short descriptions. Kinda surprised anybody got past those glaring problems.
Fun
Might ought to be "Twilight sang"
10548377
I'm pretty sure everyone likes that song. It's fantastic!
10548665
Back in the day this wouldnt have gotten past the moderation thingy. It likely would have been not even allowed to be posted, and yet here we are.
10548040
I like the Oxford comma, though the Shatner comma is superior.
As a long time fan of metal, I must give this story the metal hoof.
So there's something I'm VERY confused about:
When did Starlight become a stallion, and why did he become a mare again???
After all Starlight used HIS horn. HIS. Male. Stallion.
Yet later Starlight uses FEMALE pronouns. She. Mare.
It doesn't make sense!! @.@
10548928
This author has an incredibly poor grasp on the English language.
10548626
How is this constructive criticism? I get it, this short story *really* needs some touch-ups and several run-throughs by an editor. But to compare poor grammar (by someone you know doesn’t speak English as a primary language) to p*dophilia? It’s not even in the same concept of comparability. Where is this malice coming from and does this author really deserve that?
10549098
It's really not that deep my dude. No one is saying that not giving Twilight a capital T is the same as literally raping a child and you trying to skew it so it reads that way is downright weird. That should not be the first place your mind goes.
I also have no idea how you expected me to know they don't speak English as a first language. Furthermore, I'm fairly certain periods are used in other languages and English isn't the only one that capitalizes names.
10548626
And as a side-note, when correcting or calling out others on incorrect grammar, you probably want to add some credibility to your criticism by, you know, using correct grammar. A wee bit ironic.
10549104
There is a difference between publishing a story and writing a comment. One day you will understand this, though it's clear that day is not today.
10549103
Sound familiar?
And to address your twisting of my words. No. I am not saying it is ‘literally raping a child’ (as you put it). I’m calling you out for using unnecessary hyperbole and crass comparisons for simple grammatical mistakes. You’re the one who should reevaluate whether using ‘p*dophilia’ as a means of criticism is healthy.
10549109
Let me get this straight.
When you twist my words to imply that someone is a pedophile it's fine, but when I point this fact out it isn't? I'm a little baffled, but clearly you're used to performing quite a bit of mental gymnastics already. Also, are you trying to say that someone having a poor grasp of English automatically means that it's their second language? Because I don't know if you know this but people can just be bad at grammar.
That is a thing that happens. Younger people exist.
But, we're clogging up the comments here so if you really wish to keep this going I invite you to DM me.
Just for clarity's sake that was a joke, and one that did not even call anyone a pedophile. I shouldn't have to explain this to you but saying one is an ally doesn't make them that. Just like how lgbt allies are likely straight, and cis gendered.
10549115
Apparently DM's don't wanna go through, so I'll post it here.
1. When did I do this? When did I 'imply that someone is a p*dophile'? For the record, my statement of 'You’re the one who should reevaluate whether using ‘p*dophilia’ as a means of criticism is healthy.' is not hinting at you being a p*dophile. It is not a reference to whatever sexual preferences you may or may not have. It is as it says. Not healthy.
2. You're right, there are people who are just bad at grammar. The author did say that they ran their writing through a translator, so that answers that question.
3. You think this was a good joke? Regardless, I never said you called anyone a p*dophile. Every time I referenced that word, it was to address you using that word as a tool to criticize someone's writing. Can you honestly say using 'p*dophilia' as an analogy is constructive criticism?
This all stems from my original response to you: Where is this malice coming from and does this author really deserve that?
To the author,
This is entertaining. It really is. But the grammar is terrible. This makes it very hard to read your story and enjoy it the way it is intended. I encourage you to keep writing, but pay attention to your punctuation, capitalization, and sentence structure. It needs a lot of work. I know you can improve to the point of having an audience that will enjoy your work. Take the criticism that applies to you and work with it.
Best wishes,
Andrew
10549126
And like I said, it's not that deep.
The words I used were and I quote,
in reference to a theoretical, and may I remind you NON EXISTENT person. Are you really okay throwing down this hard and writing a full-on call out post defending a human being who literally does not exist? Because that seems a little much.
So to recap. You are out here defending a theoretical person I insinuated may be a pedophile's ALLY, not an actual pedophile while the entire thing was in the context of a joke.
Yes taking everything out of context and insinuating that I was using pedophilia to insult someone sounds bad, but once it's in context, and is shown that I was merely saying so in order to say that it would raise a lot of red flags when put into someone's tinder bio then it seems a bit silly. It seems like you are purposefully taking this entire thing completely outside of its original intention for reasons I cannot even begin to imagine.
DMs are still open by the way, as is Discord if you really think this is a topic you need to keep going on though frankly, it seems as though your argument is simply.
"Any reference to the fact that child touchers exist, no matter the context, and no matter if it isn't even being used as an insult is a line that should not be crossed." Which I frankly don't agree with. If I was using it as an insult or insinuating that someone liked children then absolutely. I'd be right there with you but this is just weird because again, in context I was not insuiating anyone liked children or was using it as an insult.
10549158
I tried, but reading comprehension is not your strong suit. Good night.
10549140
I agree by the way. Your idea is interesting but the follow-through is so poor as to make it hard to even read.
Here are some resources to help you out.
Download Grammarly (which is a free app). Use a word processing software like google docs (also free) which will point out errors. Familiarize yourself with the language. Don't rely on free translators because not all languages have the exact same sentence structure, naming schemes, or even have the same underlying grammatical structure. There are several very helpfull groups on fimfiction as well as elsewhere that will help you translate things. Seek out a prereader or editor.
Also, here are some helpfull links. One. Two. Three.
10549168
The importance of context may be a difficult lesson, but it's one I'm sure you will understand one day. You are a smart person, and I have faith in you.
I literally explained about the grammar in the author's notes, but in case anyone couldn't find it here are the important points.
1 - English is not my native language and I think this is usually understood as a "second language".
2 - As English is not my native language I had to use an online translator on the whole text finally and probably that's why some sentences are not well understood for someone who has spoken the language all his life.
I appreciate the constructive criticism from many here and I know enough of what I have to fix in the future (like checking the capital letters), personally I didn't think the story was so popular (if ten people read it and one or two told me they liked it it was enough for my
)
And really that joke or comparison, was something completely out of any kind of comparison, I can't say that it affected me in a negative way, because I've been through worse, but it completely takes away all kinds of motivation to do something if you are rightly compared to something so negative of that style
Again I remind you that English is not my native language and I used an online translator for this text
10549178
Good to see that you can see past the negative criticism. I enjoy the premise of your story, and wish you luck with your future work!
10549182
Thanks man, now I'm writing a much longer story and I have a lot to fix, but your criticism and understanding really helped me a lot
10549178
As a second language, your English isn't bad. What's your first language?
10549212
Spanish is my native language, I can read in English without major problem, but write it ...
As a token of goodwill, I've rewritten your entire story, title, and description to be more grammatically correct.
Title.
Twilight likes metal.
Description.
Twilight really likes heavy metal. That's why I think Spike spends almost every day tidying up the castle. I think it's an alicorn thing...
Cover made by Underpable
Story.
Is here.
It isnt perfect. But I fixed the most glaring of issues.
The most pressing matters you have are as follows.
1. Names of places (like Ponyville, and Canterlot) and people are capitalized.
2. People do not change gender in the middle of a sentence. Twilight should be a she throughout the entire story. She should not become an IT, or a He for no reason.
3. At the end of spoken lines there is one of these ,<-
4. Separate your spoken lines into different paragraphs.
5. If the thought is complete use a period. If it is not, use a comma.
There are alot more pointers I could give but that's the most pressing.