The moon pony has returned! But, in order to cancel the eternal night, Twilight Sparkle needs to… get some sleep! And besides, why all that panic? Will she change her mind when somepony pays her a visit uninvited?
An alternative scenario of S1E1-2 with elements of humor.
"Teen" for light suggestive moments.
I published the original text in Russian in 2015. Over the years, I went through several iterations in attempt to translate it into English, though I wasn't prepared enough, and failed. Until now, that I consider myself prepared enough, and the text satisfying my minimal requirements for publication. I also thank FireMedic755, Karibela, Kean, Koekelbag, Majora, metallusionsismagic, MIKEANTHONY321 for their contribution during this journey.
Afaik, the English expression "the man in the moon" is used to refer to (besides the face-like pattern on the satellite's surface) someone regarded as out of touch with real life. Russian has a similar expression, supposing that the absentminded individuals "fell from the moon". Thus, the story's title refers to (and connects them) both Twilight and NMM, more figuratively for the former, and more literally for the latter.
The cover image is collaged of screencap material generously provided by Hasbro. I hope they won't mind 
The Story has merit, but it still needs a rather large ammount of work i am afraid.
I am guessing you were using google translate or something for the most part?
That would explain some of the things i noticed in my quick skimming through.
Also, is russian grammar really that different from the "english" one?
It needs a little work, and I feel like things happened a bit fast, but it was a cute and funny story.
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It may be surprising, thus, but I do not use automatic translators when writing texts in English. All the flaws you see here are my own, hoof-made. I work with dictionaries, articles, and living beings to make a translation. Of course, each type of these knowledge sources is also a source of errors (including dictionaries which may be community-edited, or lack contextual information for different translations). But I've seen so terrible errors made by auto translators, that I'd rather blame myself for errors I made with my own hooves, than blindly accept a random robotic text.
If you please, I would appreciate a private message from you, listing the flaws you say require extra work (well, I admit I'm rephrasing), or a less detailed feedback, but more detailed than here. But in private
If not exact flaws, than maybe the most recurring types of errors I made.
As for Russian grammar, I believe it's pretty different from English, though you'd have to point to specific examples for me to provide a comparison)
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I had to cut an extra kiloword to fit in the Teen rating
(No.)
Well, actually, the fast pace is a common scarce feedback about my few stories, even several years later. I've succeed in sharing my view on the events, at the least. A concept is still a concept, I like when villains are dealt with in a friendly manner, any rating :) Well, probably unless they are clinically mean 'x)
Again, I would appreciate a PM from you with the most prominent candidate flaws to work on in the first place. Thank you for the comment, anyway
This was great
An entertaining read. Grammar mistakes riddled occasionally, sure, but they’re few and far enough between that I didn’t feel like they made the story worse unless you look for them. Something about the idea of a hero just talking down a villain, without any fanfare or emotional origin story or whatever, is just really funny to me.
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Well as with some of the issues quicky "solved" in the show it's more the start of fixing things than actually fixing them. But all that stuff would be kind of dull to read about wouldn't? Dry political talk. Luna going to therapy for her anger and inferiority issues? Celestia and Luna going to counseling sessions. Celestia insisting Twilight actually get to know the main six. Retrieving the elements with out a time limit. Kind of just not story material. Stories are life with out the tedious parts.
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Thanks :)
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Thanks:) When I get enough of people around fighting each other, I want the talkative approach be much more widespread ) Of course that requires both sides' readiness to take a timeout and talk.
If you have a spare minute, maybe PM me with a couple of that sneaking mistakes? I'm sceptic and stubborn sometimes, but I can't reflect on my potential errors if I'm unaware of the arguable points )
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Well, Luna would certainly benefit from a good therapy session. Actually, she has a rather intense one in Do Princesses Dream of Magic Sheep? (which was seconds away from becoming a mature-rated dark story), and she shares one with Celestia in A Royal Problem. People watch shows where people just talk (and it's rather be dry, or they may get handsy). Scientists' biographies.
People differ on what to consider story material) Of course a good thoughtful story is still as challenging to write as a good action story.
А можно ссылку на отечественную версию?
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It mostly had to do with why Nightmare Moon stuck around in the first place and decided to follow Twilight to bed after they had their coffee.
I reread and saw it was her interest in Twilight's knowledge of her that made her stick around, but I still wonder why Nightmare just followed Twi to bed. She was relaxed, but it seemed a little weird without something that would lead into it being an option, like Twilight telling her something along the lines of "stay the night if you want, but I'm going to bed". Then again, it's not everyday someone has a sleepover with a would-be tyrant princess, so maybe Nightmare just figured the land was hers anyway to go where she pleased.
Still a good read.
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https://ficbook.net/readfic/2775760
https://ponyfiction.org/story/9787/
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/1/15/Znak_kachestva_2.svg/240px-Znak_kachestva_2.svg.png
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* searching his mind palace for logs of himself 6 years ago *
Regarding NMM's interest, yeah, today I think it was her comfort zone: from a pony familiar with her past, she'd expect appropriate respect, understanding, and probably, err, complaisance. As for the following, I believe she just wanted to hit the bed, and the closest one known to her was Twilight's, which she found suitable. Twi seemed fine enough to share since she also was in need of sleep, and didn't want to reschedule it as long as NMM could put her tyrannic ambitions on hold.
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Fair enough
Well, it's evident that English is not your first language. That being said, I like the premise. Get an editor and you're in business.
Okay, couple of things.
Number one, I would really have gone with a proof-reader. A lot of lines are noticeably tangled to the point where it's hard to figure out where you're going. But also, I saw a lot of words or phrases being called in ways that don't really jive with their intended use. Not sure if that's an honest misunderstanding or just an attempt to impress readers with your vocabulary - but if it's Option 2, trust me when I say that never goes well.
Number two, I know it can be tedious but you really need to include the speaker when you write lines of dialogue. A whole section of just what's being said without any indication of who's saying what beyond what we know of the characters and their context is potentially confusing and definitely lazy. It implies a lack of effort with setting the scene, that the point is just to get the lines out and it doesn't really matter what's happening in the meantime.
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Senk you, komrad! I'm working on it, just not as constantly as I could, with these year-long gaps.
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In MiB's Russian translation it also mistakenly included an explosion of said gas... :3
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I lean toward Option 1. Also, I've been rather slow with my creative activity, as you can judge from the 6 years it took the translation to get published. So I'd consider this still WIP, but I just had to publish it now rather than postpone for another decade x)
Also, my PM's are open for detailed technical feedback, so feel free to report me the roughest mistakes I've made
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Edger Suits anyone?
You did good
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Nah, no suits so far x)
Thanks :)
now use this twilight to persuade discord, chrysalis and tirek, it will be fun.
Funny story, was not expecting Twilight to be writen this way. I agree with kitsune_shadow in that I would like to see this Twilight go against other villians. Though I'd prefer to see her go against one of her unicorn villians (Sombra, Trixie, Tempest, Starlight or Sunset) in particular.
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Ah, thank you for your attention to my story^^
Yeah, the idea of extending this method of problem solving to other villains is obvious) Though no ETA currently, 2022 was a mess here, and 2023 looks no better:(
Sorry for my delayed response^^"
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)
Not literally a story story, but I've got a little draft regarding Twi and Tempest, in this blog post.
(Also features a bed