• Member Since 28th May, 2012
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Sometimes you lose yourself in your own narcissism. That's when you find out you might be the bad guy.


It was all about the process. Without a focus in her life now that Twilight is the single ruler of Equestria, Luna decides to apply for her dream job.

A mailmare. The best mailmare in all of Equestria. Or at least the Greater Canterlot Mail District. This would be a fantastic learning experience.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 30 )

Well that was fun.
Now we need a chapter two…

Yes, please do a chapter 2 at least


Planning on starting to write that tomorrow. Don't know when exactly it might come out, probably sooner rather than later due to there being actual progress already done.

Holiday was slightly taken aback. "Prin- I mean Luna, that was a joke. There's no way that could happen."

Now I'm expecting that to be a jinx, and a paper golem will somehow pop up anyway. :rainbowlaugh:

"So, unless the world ends or the mail becomes a sentient ooze, don't call me."

Guess that means they'd be stuck dealing with any paper golems themselves then. :trollestia:

A story about Luna working as a postmare should be fun, but I'm also intrigued because while I've obviously seen fics featuring Derpy's own postmare work, it's almost always about her out in the field trying to deliver said mail, almost never her working in the back sorting through it, so that should be a fun change of pace too. :raritystarry:

Derpy groaned as she saw Luna's unguarded goofy smile and grumbled silently to herself. This wasn't what she had expected when she said she needed help.

When Derpy's the frustrated Straight Man (or mare), you know things are gonna be fun!

you ever wonder how many parcels we have here we can't deliver. Cause there has to be stuff that would have gone to like dead ponies and all that.

Hey, Luna," Holiday stared at her logs. "I see you signed off on a succesfull delivery for a certified letter to a pegasus by the name of Floaty Clouds?"

"Yes, most eminent postmare."

"Here's her obituary," Holiday frowned, pushing a newspaper across her desk. "It says she died three days ago."

"Indeed," Luna nodded. "Mid-air collision with the underside of a cloud building. Most tragic."

"Luna," the postmare rolled her eyes. "Certified mail means that it has to be delivered to the recipient personally. They have to sign for it."

"Oh thank goodness," Luna sighed in relief. "We were very concerned about that. It is good to see that We correctly understood proper protocol."

"Luna," Holiday took a deep breath. "She died three days ago. Your log entry was signed yesterday."

"We fail to see the problem with this."

"Luna," Holiday pinched the bridge of her snout. "You can't log a personal delivery until after it's been delivered. And only the designated recipient can sign for certified mail, not next of kin, not roommates, only the mare on the mailing label."

"Ahh," Luna nodded. "We begin to grasp the nature of your inquiry. We signed off yesterday, but the package itself was delivered directly into the hooves of Floaty Clouds herself three days ago, shortly before her death, and signed for by her own hooves."

"How does any of this makes sense?" Holiday shouted. "You only even started working here two days ago! What, are you a time traveller?"


(A few days later)

"Luna," Holiday pinched the bridge of her snout. "I have another certified delivery in the log. A letter for a Mr. Golden Flare?"

"Yes, most eminent postmare," the princess of the night nodded. "He signed for said package this morning."

"Luna, I thought we covered this," Holiday pushed another obituary across her desk. "And you agreed, no more time travel!"

"Indeed," Luna nodded. "We left the flow of time quite undisturbed for this. But the good stallion was nevertheless happy to oblige a humble request for his signature."

"How?" Holiday screeched. "What did you do, dig up his corpse and reanimate it, have him sign then let the zombie loose to roam through Ponyville?"

"...is that not proper protocol?"

I think Luna will have that paper golem delivering lost letters...


H: "Okay! So no more necromancy, and no more time travel of any kind! Neither you, nor the package are to get sent back in time-nor anyone acting on your behalf-and CERTAINLY no bringing the intended recipient to the present."

L: "...is this about me bringing your Grandfather back-"

H: "And nearly accidentally getting me removed from the timeline since you plucked him from five minutes before he first met my Grandma? Legally speaking I can't use a personal reason as grounds to put a rule into place. So no death magic, no time magic. Got it?"

L: "Clear as moonlight on a cloudless night."


H: "LUNA!"

L: "I didn't use time or death magic."

H: "Then how, pray tell, did you deliver the last three packages? Wait, don't tell me, you sent them to alternate reality versions of said recipient."

L: "How'd you guess?"

H: "...I was being facetious...."


For the third time today Holiday found herself staring at the currently-open bottom drawer of her desk. The drawer where she kept the whiskey.

*knock* *knock*

'Be quiet, and maybe she'll go away. Be quiet and maybe she'll-'

*knock* *knock* *knock*

"Come in Luna," Holiday sighed.

"Most eminent postmare," Luna bowed upon entering. "We thank thee for granting Us this audience."

"Don't thank me yet," Holiday discreted nudged the drawer closed with one hoof. "What's the problem this time?"

"Problem?" Luna raised an eyebrow. "Of what speakest thou? There is no problem. Every last package hast been delivered, and every letter. The new Canterlot stamps have been properly filed into thy vending machines. And yonder lunch area hast been mopped, as per thy request. And verily, indeed did We remember thy prior admonishment to refrain from teleporting the entire building into the ocean, however thorough and efficient a cleaning it dost provide. All is well."

Glancing at the calendar and considering her own namesake, Holiday's eyes narrowed as she considered this information carefully.

"Did you say....every letter had been delivered?

"Indeed, your grace," Luna nodded rather than bowed. "Every letter."

"What about the letters from Ponyville Elementary? The ones addressed to Santa Hooves?"

"What of them?" Luna tilted her head in confusion.

"Did you deliver them?"

"Of course."

"You do realize," Holiday closed her eyes, pulling the bottom drawer back open and reaching inisde, "that Santa Hooves is a fictitious character, right?"

"Indeed," Luna puzzled at the question. "But 'tis a simple spell to enter into any storybook. We assure thee that We were well-advised, and that Our conduct in this matter was entirely in keeping with the curious customs of this modern era. Dost thou wish to see Our library card?"

I really enjoyed this chapter, another please.

Ha, okay, this is a good beginning, sounds like the story could be fun, definitely gonna follow, lol. :pinkiehappy:

This looks like it'll be hilarious, certainly following it now.

This is very relevant to my interests (my husband and I may or may not work in a similar field... :derpytongue2:). Colour me intrigued to read more about Postal!Luna getting to work with Best Pony™

As a side note for all Americaland readers, did you know that according to USPS Pub52§526.6, you can send baby alligators under 50cm (20 inches) through the post?


you can send baby alligators under 50cm (20 inches) through the post

:pinkiegasp: "Oh! Oh! That's the job I want! Measuring the alley gators!"

:twilightoops: "What do they do with alligators that exceed the limit? Say they receive a gator that's 21 inches. It's not like they can mail it back to the sender. That would be against the rules."

:pinkiehappy: "They keep it as a pet, silly! Where do you think Gummy came from? I mailed him to myself, but when the post office measured him, he was too long. So they had to send him back and I got to keep him!"

"Pinkie, that's...*sigh* nevermind." :facehoof:


What do they do with alligators that exceed the limit? Say they receive a gator that's 21 inches.

Your local postal clerk would be most peeved if you brought an improperly packaged, non-mailable gator to the front desk


"But what if he was a good gator? Wouldn't you at least give him head pats?" :fluttercry:

The last time somepony tried to mail a 21 inch alligator, they found out what the spindle is for.

"Yes, not everypony can be my sister who just decides to retire and jump off tall buildings and blow things up for fun. Some ponies get bored doing that."

I get the impression that Celestia was just done with proper protocol and the rules of polite society by the time she retired. :trollestia:

That is until she had a wonderful, exciting idea.

Yeeeeaaaaah, I knew that's where we were going to end up with this. :rainbowlaugh:

Sounds like Derpy could use someway to find the joy in her job again...hopefully Luna will end up doing just that in the end. :twilightsmile:

Plenty of moments to make me smile here.
It's a fun story and Luna continues to lead it well.
Sounds like Derpy and Bulk will be led to a more fun job life soon. And I do wonder when we will see a golem. Maybe something Twilight gets in on too..?
I sense more crazy fun incoming.... I hope to read the next chapter soonish.

Why is there a Holiday tag, but not a Lofty tag?

Question. Is... sending people over mail very illegal, or just a tiny illegal?

I want to declare "Greenland, here I come!", but first I gotta know for.. reasons.

Wait I'm confused are Luna and Twilight dating....That's random? And Derpy and Carrot Top? Wouldn't Doctor Hooves make more sense?


Thankfully America pretty much decided that sending children over mail was a terrible idea, but yeah for a while in the 1910s or so the chance of people just giving kids to mailmen with the correct number of stamps on them was totally a thing. Because when people aren't implicitly told mailing your kids a few hundred miles to save money was a terrible idea- people will do it anyway.

Don't worry Derpy. Working with Luna is going to be great! It's your boss that's gonna be stressed, lol.

Dangit, why'd you have to insert shipping into this? It did not need shipping.

Yep that's one of the things I loved about Between Dark and Dawn, that what the sisters were interested in was the reflective of their jobs. Doing the same boring things for 1000+ years turns you into an adrenaline junkie (Celestia should hang out with Twilight's mom), whereas Luna, who probably has enough excitement through dreamwalking, in addition to being gone for 1000 years, finds the more modern mundane things fascinating.

Eh, respectively, I think the shipping's not going to hurt it either.

Besides, the Luna/Twilight thing was outright mentioned from the start in the first chapter, so...

I must have missed that part. Anyway, I'm not a fan of shipping. If it's not a romance story, then extraneous shipping is a deal-breaker for me.

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