• Member Since 28th May, 2012
  • offline last seen 10 hours ago

Peridork


Sometimes you lose yourself in your own narcissism. That's when you find out you might be the bad guy.

T
Source

"For want of a nail the shoe was lost;
For want of a shoe the horse was lost;
For want of a horse the battle was lost;
For the failure of battle the kingdom was lost—
All for the want of a horse-shoe nail."

A thousand years ago, Celestia had to banish her sister to the moon because of her tampering with dark magic. After centuries of blaming herself for her sister's loss- the monarch who abdicated from the throne and has been wandering the Equestrian Republic of States has returned to warn of the coming war that she couldn't face.

If only the Ministers of Friendship could hope to trust a pony who leveled Canterlot in grief a thousand years ago and left the sun and moon frozen in the sky in hopes that her lost sister could see that a twilight world could be their domain. Repenting for the sins of the past, an alicorn wanders with her daughters. After all, what use is a Princess of the Sun if the daytime caused her sister's fall?

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 8 )

I like this! Not sure how I feel about the mechs, mostly because in a city environment where collateral damage is a huge concern you'd want to use something more... precise, and less bombastic. But generally, the AU looks interesting.

If possible, I'd recommend getting an editor for a light pass, or at least spending a bit more time re-reading your work. The general grammar, sentence construction, and narrative structure was very much coherent - no complaints there - but there were some weird artifacts here and there, such as:

/sunset noticed

or

...but seeing no aromas similar to raiders or  Testing her new form, she began to walk...

Why doesn't this story have a sad tag?

Good story even if the writing is a little clunky.

I just have to let you know, That is one of the best coverarts and descriptions I've read on this website.

7048431

Why thank you very much! I enjoy stories with short descriptions that tell you something about what will happen- now maybe I could have waxed too poetic with the "Want of a Nail" poem in the description, but hitting on themes and motifs like that were just important. And also I may enjoy a bit of Shakespeare. And I seem to wax poetic anyway, so that's to be expected. That or I lucked out because I guess I bottled lightning for the short description. Don't know how I did that- I definitely didn't go "And today I will write one of the better descriptions on the site!" No I went more towards what I thought sounded interesting and what might make people interested. And on the picture? Well I don't remember where I first found it but it really helped tie the idea of Celestia being broken and regretful about Luna.

How did I get all of that to work out? About a year of changing stuff and changing the entire scope of the story. I always try to aim more for quality ideas than quantity. And I watched a lot of anime, dystopian novels like 1984 and comics to get the post-apocalyptic idea down to more concrete terms than "Equestrian Wasteland" While this almost definitely takes ideas from Fallout, it doesn't use wasteland as its descriptive term. "Wastes or waste" is better. That and while I like Fallout crossovers in theory, there is a lot of them, and the end of season five showed that a barren wasteland was possible.

Short answer, I plan out the setting of the story. Not the plot as much, but the setting can easily shift how I approach everything.

And actual praise makes me feel weird. I guess that's the gulf of my perceived ability as a writer and reality. Always was my harshest critic. Will write chapter two sooner because of this comment though. Would do it now but I have school to contend with. Thank you and dang it, I always go super in depth with my writing process when somebody likes something.

Should stop doing that but I get excited.

>oversized warmachines dropping from the sky

You have captured my interest.

7229935

I definitely plan on writing more- just have had school to contend with so stories have taken the back burner. But yeah I wanted to put in a memorable start to the story where it isn't just the desert and everything. So why not come out and show that technology is a bit overkill. Though Twilight really made those that way for a reason.

I love this and would love to see where this goes, this so awesome and different for an alternate universe that I'm loving it. :pinkiegasp:

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