• Published 24th Apr 2022
  • 1,510 Views, 30 Comments

Some Postmare - Peridork



Luna gets a new job- the newest employee of the Ponyville Post Office. She loves her job.

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Take A Chance On Me

Luna hummed quietly to herself as she shuffled the papers in her folder. She had asked Twilight exactly what a hypothetical pony might do in a very certain situation like this. She cautiously poked at her mane, carefully put up in a bun with a rather fetching scrunchie and she wore her best shirt. She looked rather dashing in her shirt, the little palm trees that festooned the red shirt bringing out some nice features in her. She had heard Rarity call it something like 'pizzazz' or 'an unknowable factor' but she just liked how the shirt fit her. It was rather hard to find shirts in alicorn sizes.

A short bespectacled mare opened the door and smiled out at her, slightly taken aback at having an alicorn in her place of business, even if Twilight's acceptance on ruling Equestria caused some rather large issues in everyday life. "When Bulk Biceps mentioned that he saw you take a request form, I thought he was joking." The mare grinned slightly. "Well I think Lofty might not like my slight betting habit, but twenty bits is twenty bits. And it's not everyday you can say 'I interviewed a former princess. You are a former princess. I mean-" The pony stopped for a second as she noticed Luna's slight discomfort. "Sorry, sorry, got carried away. Name's Happy Holiday."

Luna carefully got off the chair and walked into the small and messy room that was where the interview was going to happen. She quickly ran through all the hypotheticals that Twilight had put forward, running through the answers in her head, letting some of the more personal questions have short answers and barely answering some others. She shuffled the recommendation forms in worry as she looked at the mare staring at her from across her beat up mahogany desk.

Holiday stirred a cup of coffee with a spoon and gathered her thoughts as she finally got over the shock of having one of the most powerful ponies in Equestria, even with the abdication, sitting in her office. She ran part of the mail service, not a five star restaurant. She carefully chose her words as she spoke. "So what caused you to apply for the postal service?"

Luna perked up ever so slightly. "Well, I just love what you have done in the last thousand years. Having a service where mail can be delivered promptly without major problems, it's rather impressive. I mean the attempt Starswirl made at having mail delivered caused a few ponies to die. So no deaths is a good thing. And I just love the little details, the stamps, the looking up of ponies, the delivery, the process. Its exciting and yet so mundane, which after the few years I've had, I kind of gravitated toward it."

Holiday raised an eyebrow at the currently grinning alicorn. "What was that about Starswirl? I thought the first one who did the mail was a pegasus."

Luna waved a hoof. "It was more of an attempted thing in the battle against the Sirens, though his attempt at rapid transit of information melted the brains of a few dozen ponies. Something about their brains being unable to contain any new information. Or something, It's been years."

Happy Holiday grimaced at that thought. "Okay, let's move on. So I can see by the lengthy gap in your work history that you have been in, as you put it, 'time out' for a thousand years." She racked her brains trying to fit normal interview questions as she looked down the papers, trying not to scream as she looked at the references, all done in perfect order. But each one was a pillar of Equestrian culture: the former princess, the current one, Crystal Empire, Discord. Her eye twitched. "Can you try and explain what you learned in this. . .stint in prison?"

Luna raised an eyebrow at that. "Prison? Nay. It was only a rather bad mistake on my part. But what alicorn, or unicorn, doesn't play with dark magic. I mean I was only a few hundred years old so it would fit into a, what did Twilight call it, adolescent rage and an attempt to reject authority."

"And?"

Luna nodded, ready for the answer she had ever so briefly prepared. "Well, I learned that I'd rather be a useful member of society and how to enjoy the small things. I mean my sister's the one who likes rather grand gestures and things like that. I'd rather sit alone with a book or sort through the letters I got from fans. By date, by zip code, by color, all that fun stuff." Luna smiled awkwardly, her legs slightly twitching as she spoke.

Happy Holiday sighed and pushed the resume aside. "Well, from reading your resume, and knowing that you can probably kill me without a thought if you really wanted to, we can let you work temporarily. Nothing too major, more like protocol. See if you can handle the job and all."

Luna almost couldn't contain her excitement as the interviewer opened the door and beckoned her out of the office. She waited a moment, carefully tried not to use the Canterlot Voice, and floated out of the office as her hooves didn't want to touch the ground.

***

Derpy sighed as she looked at the piles of unrecovered mail. Being in the lost and found department of the postal service, while not fun, was important. And she didn't have to worry about breaking packages- if a lost package was truly broken, it wasn't too big of an issue. Just fill out some forms and move on since this department handled the old and forgotten things. She picked up a package and peered at the hastily scribbled note on the side. A partially legible scrawl of letters and numbers were on it, a partial address and not much else. She gently placed it back and watched as Bulk Biceps pulled a trolley of mail, filled to the brim of letters and packages with similar enough addresses. She cantered towards him and whistled to get his attention. "Hey, Bulky, you mentioned a new pony getting interviewed."

Bulk grunted as he dropped the packages off and turned to face Derpy. "Yeah. What of it?"

Derpy shrugged. "Well, hopefully they don't get scooped up by the front lines of the post cause we need a few new hooves on deck."

Bulk smiled. "I'd be surprised if they get anywhere near the front office. Didn't seem like a usual interviewee."

Derpy rolled her eyes, her line of sight trailing as she saw both the door out of the loading area and Bulk himself at the same time. "Why is that? Every single new hire has been scooped up. Parcel Post? Happy Trails? Speedy Delivery? All snapped up by the front deskers. And those were the ponies that got close to us. Any number of unknown applicants, second interviews, interns even, all gone to the Diamond Dogs."

Bulk flapped his wings in slight annoyance. "Yes, but like I saw the interview paper. It said Luna."

Derpy giggled. "Good one, Bulk, as if a former princess would even dare walk in here. I thought they were supposed to hate all the nitty gritty business of ruling. Isn't Celestia headlining like Las Pegasus with her death defying stunts. Luna wouldn't be caught dead here."

***

"Oh aether, a mail sorter! I always dreamed of the day I'd see it on this end. See how the hay is baled and all that. And that over there is a stamp machine and a exact scale and. . ." Luna flitted around the back of the post office, letting her eyes wander as she took in the sights, pausing ever so briefly to let a hoof dangle above a particularly large package of mail.

Holiday groaned and cursed herself. The pair had spent all of two minutes staring at a loose stamp that had fallen and stuck to the floor. She had tried, so valiantly tried, to push the blue alicorn somewhere else- to get her away from the main desk and away from any prying eyes that would be more amazed than annoyed that a former princess was here. Holiday was more annoyed than anything else since Luna had tried to explain to her the ins and outs of the Equestrian Postal Service, every detail, every historical anecdote, with notes. She quickly reformatted her placement list into something more realistic. She was rather impressed, to be sure, but when a pony so enamored with something so banal as the postal system came to her doors, she expected Twilight.

She got Luna instead. Which was like Twilight and her brand of insanity, but just weirdly chipper about most things which felt disconcerting- she had been one of the few things her mother warned her about as a foal in graphic children stories and here she was showing the not evil version of Nightmare Moon where she weighed packages.

"So, Miss Holiday, I dare presume to be so forward, but if I'm back here in the command center of this postal office, that means I did get the job? Though that means that I have another question. How exactly is a pony my stature going to fit into a uniform? Twilight had shown me the normal outfit and I had attempted to try one on, but it didn't go well. Ripped right through the seams and all that." Luna twirled her hair as she thought of that awkward moment, blushing heavily at remembering that Twilight had teased her endlessly about being far too majestic to fit, rubbing a feather near every single place a seam had failed. That was a good memory, even if it had been awkward, more so for what happened after. Luna shook her head, letting that lewd memory pass and focused on the present as she heard Holiday respond.

"Well we never expected an alicorn. So you'd have to get that hemmed out right and expanded. Carousel Boutique could get that done quickly since I've sent ponies who don't fit into the average size over there a lot. If you went there soon, Coco Pommel would know exactly what to do."

Luna hummed in thought. "Yes, the Lady Rarity's place. I know where that is."

Holiday smiled and nodded. "Of course, well, we have run through the general tour. And you ran through the duties and responsibilities of a mailmare or stallion in record time, so we don't have to run through most of that. Let's see, that just leaves the bank routing number that we need to direct deposit your check, when you get it of course, and the area you will be working in. Come this way, please, and do be careful, with this being holiday season, I don't want you to be lost here. The last pony who did turned into an insane paper golem."

Luna raised an eyebrow. "Truly? How rather interesting, I'd have to have Cadance check it out. She so wants a helper around with Flurry."

Holiday was slightly taken aback. "Prin- I mean Luna, that was a joke. There's no way that could happen. I mean we have standards for clocking in and out, nopony would stay here that long. And anyway, that's for saying that Starswirl made ponies go insane. Still trying to figure out how that would be possible. And no, I'm not going to ask him a sensitive topic such as that even if he's a reference."

Luna cocked her head. "If you don't get the method, I could easily demonstrate on something. It's simple to show off the trick once you see it in action."

Holiday blanched. "No, no, that's perfectly fine. Can't have my workers going missing. Or dying. We're already vastly understaffed as it is. Thanks." The cream-colored earth pony shivered as she walked on. She knew exactly where to put her. Out of sight, out of mind, and Derpy had been complaining about being understaffed. She could deal with her far easier than any normal pony here and it would limit the chance of the former princess accidentally turning somepony to goo. She knew that once she got home, she'd have to tell Lofty about this. "I was reading your resume. You said you'd love helping out in a critical role, yes?"

Luna blinked. "Well, not in those terms, but of course."

The earth pony mare grinned. "Wonderful, wonderful. Now let me tell you about the most important place here. The lost mail department."

***

"Hey, Bulk, you ever wonder how many parcels we have here we can't deliver. Cause there has to be stuff that would have gone to like dead ponies and all that. Especially now. What with Twilight's reform of the whole shebang. Changelings who became ponies full time, those who didn't, gryphons, yaks, kirins even. Whole mess of creatures all using the same damn system cause priorities and all that. I bet there's packages up there. . ." Derpy paused, putting down her cart, and stared up at the mountain of mail. "that my grandmare sent, or my mom. Just unrecoverable mai."

Bulk shrugged. "At least we only get a few packages every once in a while. Just think if we had to do what the ponies in the front do, deal with customers, weighing stuff. I'm glad I'm back here, cause I'm awful at that stuff."

Derpy smiled briefly. "Yes, well I haven't ever thrown a pony into a box during a panic attack, that's true. But ponies still talk about it."

"-through here is the department you'll be working. Now I don't want to be scaring you off just yet, but this is where the oddjobs and weirdos tend to gravitate towards."

"Fun, Twilight did tell me some of the more interesting tales of her friends and if they might be anything like hers, I think we will get along just fine."

Two ponies walked into the room and Derpy stood there shocked. Luna. In the post office. "What?"

Luna pleasantly waved and cantered over to Derpy, Happy Holiday trailing behind as the alicorn hit her stride. "So this is the central command of the post office? How quaint and festive."

Derpy stared at the offered hoof of Luna and cautiously shook it, wondering if this was some kind of odd dream.

"Derpy and Bulk will try and train you. Though the process is simple, find a package in that pile over there and try to deliver it. No questions asked, no real help since most of those packages are the cast off parcels and lost things in this Greater Canterlotian Mail District."

Luna buzzed with joy. "So there's a treasure hunt involved as well. Twilight told me this would be a rather fun way to interact with ponies, but she didn't mention a puzzle aspect. This job is getting better and better."

Bulk and Derpy shared a look. Derpy raised an eyebrow at her manager, who shrugged and mouthed 'alicorn' and 'you should see her resume. Creepily into mail.' The female pegasus shook her head. She'd never heard of a pony willingly joining the service, most left a few weeks in, burnt out and dead inside from the ever widening detachment and piles of mail crushing their souls. She expected Luna to be. . .something else. She had heard that Twilight and her were dating, but the thought of them being so. . .compatible in their obsessions seemed kind of disconcerting. She had expected Luna to be distant and cold, not a bubbly mess that loved, of all things, the post office. She grumbled as she noticed Bulk's grinning smile in her peripheral vision- she owed him bits for that bet.

Holiday clapped her hooves. "Dismissed. Now if you don't mind me, I have a daisy sandwich in the breakroom that's calling my name and I really don't want to be interrupted. So, unless the world ends or the mail becomes a sentient ooze, don't call me. Oh and Luna, get going to Carousel Boutique, they should get that new uniform done as fast as possible so you can fit neatly into our little group of misfits here."

Derpy groaned as she saw Luna's unguarded goofy smile and grumbled silently to herself. This wasn't what she had expected when she said she needed help.

Author's Note:

Something dumb I wrote in 2020 and never posted because I never got to the editing stage.