- Member Since 29th Jun, 2015
- offline last seen 14 hours ago
mrmidnight
I am retired if you wanna fine my work follow the link. https://www.patreon.com/Mrmidnightwolf https://discord.gg/AeZBhyR
mrmidnight
Joined 29th Jun, 2015 ·
Offline
Sequels1
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mrmidnight · 3.6k words · 193 26 · 11k views
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9538820
oh did i muhaha
9538820
I'm confused...
You really need to work on your grammar and spelling. Sorry to say, but I couldn't get too far into it because it was just too distracting.
9538879
Sorry
For the next chapter I’m hoping for Pinkie Pie next getting a huge Creampie.
Ok, Starlight's about to get marehandled, six way when she gets back from the trip.
9538864
You forgot your condoms.
9539064
Ok. Thanks for helping me out!
9539068
9539064
9539068
Remember you two the devil is in the details XD
9539176
Heh theres a reason i left condoms out muhaha
Grammar errors here and there but solid story overall
Wow, old-school Fairly Odd Parents joke. Now that takes me back.
9543577
Yeah hehwas originally going with discord made it but went nahh
You sure Spike's not secretly the devil?
9549709
But you could say he's a devil in bed
heh, well he might be he might not be XD muhaha
9549829
Wonder if he ate the treat in one gulp?
9549860
Oh that he did
please continue
where is that magic cupcake go anyway?
9550845
Spike ate it heh didn't think of taking small bites
9550747
I will heh I've got a commission for a prequel
9550980
is there also going to be a sequel too
9551015
That i do not know XD i could if i get bored unless someone commissions me to do it XD
Ooof, this story needs some spit and polish.
9550845
I think you mean "Where "did" that magic cupcake go anyway?"
Spike's gonna have to owe Trixie something since Starlight's possible eating Trixie out of budget and wagon, all things considered--though it possibly could not be a huge financial burden (just call Momlestia--she's probably be a little upset Spike told her sooner, but she would be giddy that she's gonna be a grandmare seven times over, not to mention the other grandmares as well [Twilight Velvet, Cookie Crumbles, Posey Shy--that is what Mrs. Shy's name really is, and it make sense all things considered, Windy Whistles, Pear Butter-if she's considered alive in this 'verse, and Cloudy Quartz]). After all, he's kinda the reason Starlight's got twins that are kirins...
Oooh...It would be a great time to see Autumn Breeze in Ponyville because of this!! She's there because she's a kirin, and knows what to expect and tips to handle the pregnancy. After all, books can't tell you everything...Plus, I could have a feeling that she sensed this, plus it's Applejack and Fluttershy--two ponies that helped her and her village with the gift of voice again.
9585579
lol well that would definetly something XD
Well time for the old ball and chain for Spike.
9585579
you mean my 100 times removed cousin, Autumn BLAZE
Mind control? ...
Damn, Spike gets all the kids.
Most excellent.
3 down, 3 to go!
Congratulations Spike, you had your first seven-way with 6 beautiful girls on your b-day & you're gonna be a father to seven kids! Can't wait for the sequel!
P.S. I found this minor error in the paragraph, where AJ & Spike climax...
Not sure, if there are other errors like this, but I'll stick with the one.
Are you going to do a part 2 ?
9641654
lol well to answer there's an idea for a third part it would be taking place one year later. though the thing is at the moment. i have commissions thats needing to be worked on. They come first before my free stories.
9640179
lol well that was my mistake XD though check out my other work im sure you'll love them
9641830
Will do & I'm assuming the error was fixed?
9641836
Not yet been busy heh work keeps me like that on 10 hour shifts
9641845
I know the feel
9641848
It's fixed
9642450
Sweet
9641828
Also this story makes me think of
A Stallion Surrounded By Mares
9655996
Heh I guess that does happen also check out the prequel Spikes first time heh, I am working on the side a special little project a third story in this world called Spikes First Father's day
9656012
I did, before I even read this ?
p.s. What does Discord think of this ?
Please link Spikes First Father's day when it's done
Please
9656017
will when I get a chance like I said I got commissions im working on lol though check out the other works im sure you'll love them also
This seems to happen to Spike in a lot of stories when potions are involved.
Unless the potion is made by Zecora.
Too bad... Mind control is... Too easy
Why not make discords present a fake?
9745002
Oh but how do you know it was fake or if it was mind control hehe.
Okay, I don't normally down-vote a story, so I thought I should explain myself.
While the idea behind the story is interesting - to say the least - the execution, writing, pacing, the erotica of it? It's botched to the point of being cringey. I don't think you intended this as a comedy? I don't think so, but I couldn't help but laugh every now and again, whenever I saw a terrible, terrible turn of phrase.
The writing is absolutely atrocious, dear Author. I know a previous commenter mentioned the story needs a "spit-shine"? That's putting it very mildly - it needs a complete rewrite. It's unclear what's going on most of the time, sentences crash into each other, tenses flap wildly all around the place... in short, unless you keep scanning (instead of reading) for just the important bits, the story is very hard to follow.
The execution is pretty bad, too - I'm not saying you need more introduction here, but all I'm seeing is Spike taking a bite out of a cake, and then suddenly they're fucking. This needs work, too - you want to see how Discord's magic takes hold of everyone, relish the delicious twisting of their very being...
Pacing is in the dumps - this has a lot to do with how the sentences are structured, or rather: with how they're anything but. You're trying to jam five different events into every two or three sentences. It doesn't work. In fact, unless you pay attention, you may miss a critical event, because you thought you were done with the sentence (and the fact they're broken in all kinds of interesting ways doesn't help here, either).
As for the erotica/porn... well... you use the right words, but because of the rest of the issues, they fail to move me. If anything, it feels silly. I'm sorry, but it reads like a 12yo trying to write porn, at times.
I downvoted it so that you can get a clear signal that you need to improve it (and so that others also know to keep away from it until it's better). Rewrite it, get a good editor or two, and repost it - it'll be a blast, I assure you!