- Member Since 5th Oct, 2016
- offline last seen 8 hours ago
Israel Yabuki
Canon x OC, that's my specialty, both in art and in MLP stories
Israel Yabuki
Joined 5th Oct, 2016 ·
Offline
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Featured In7
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COCK AND BALL TORTURE! XD
Brilliant as always, Israel. Any clop with Sunset in it is always good, she’s my favourite. I hope the next chapter of my clop turns out as good as this, I’ve been stuck on what to do with it for weeks.
10128512
With how good you been doing so far, I'm sure it'll be great
love this story good luck in the contest
May need to read this a few more times. I'm having trouble sinking this in for some reason. Don't know why.
10128639
If it’s that good why have I not been able to get it featured?
10129475
I have no idea how that works. But just because it isn't featured doesn't mean it isn't good. As low an opinion as I have on my stories, a lot of people like them and none of my stuff has been featured as far as I know
This was hot, kinky and sexy as hell! I hope we get a sequel to this soon!
…………. i'm mostly shocked that spike didn't get both twilight and sunset pregnant in that time frame.
10130686
they were on pills
10130704
……. darn. there goes the 'high school DxD' alternate stunt.
Like the title said....Spike you lucky bastard, also hopefully the rest of the main seven will have a shot at him too
10131292
that and possibly more
Dial 'S' for Spike.
love it
This was great.
This is your official review from Dirty Little Secret's Dirty Little Contest!
Remember to vote in the contest's poll -- voting closes at midnight, June 6th.
And make sure to allow notifications from the contest group and/or follow Dirty Little Secret to get the full results and the awards show post on June 9th!
------ Review ------
Please keep in mind, I know I can be overly critical and negative at times. I can always find something to nitpick, even in the greatest works of literature ever written. Please don't take it personally!
-It is a pretty sexy premise, and the pacing isn't too bad.
-Some tense slipping issues throughout the story.
-Lots of telling rather than showing throughout the story.
-Weird tone with things like:
and boy was it giving Spike a major boner.andfelt real bad about Sunset.-They only took an hour to get to the camp? If I remember the EqG opening montage, it seemed like the camp was way more than an hour away.
-
"Mama-mia, what in God's name is all this sexiness about?"-- would Spike really say this? Why is he Italian now?-Grammar issues are abundant. Here are some examples:
--
Juniper could help herself and went over next to Gloriosa-- couldn't.--
Care to have to cuties pleasure you-- missing word.--
Boy, did Juniper have a nice wrack.-- rack.--
Hugging Juniper close, mashing her boobs with his own-- Spike has boobs?--
fullest extenf of his-- fypo ... and what’s worse, one that shows the story wasn’t even spell-checked.-Not every bit of dialog needs a dialog tag.
-I'm really not sure about how a 'quadruple boobjob' could even work, and the story doesn’t give enough detail to clear that up.
-It's weird and unbelievable that both Gloriosa and Juniper are virgins and that they'd want to lose their virginity in a random orgy. They really don't act like virgins.
-Spike is a real Gary Stu in this story.
-Spike came 4 times in a row with no problem, then needed Twi's help to get him hard again for the 5th time?
and how pent up he must still be feeling.-- how is he pent up? He just came 4 times in a row!-Pretty good job of giving plenty of clopping material, at least.
------ Scores ------
To clarify what these scores mean, check my judging rubric.
Cloppability: 80/100
Allure: 50/100
Enticement: 50/100
Immersion: 40/100
Prose Quality: 25/100
Total Score: 245/500
The more specialized scores for individual prizes, as well as the results of the community poll, will be published when the full results are announced. If this story wins any awards, there will be another post in the story comments sometime after June 9th announcing that this story has won.
Thank you for participating, and thank you for contributing to Fimfic's collection of clop!
10246436
thanks, I tried my best