• Member Since 11th Mar, 2017
  • offline last seen Saturday

JesterOfDestiny


I ignore (almost) everything that happened after season 6.

E
Source

Dentists are prepared to deal with all sorts of situations. Being unexpectedly taken away to the other end of Equestria, to operate on a mouth they can fit into, is not one of them.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 43 )

Loved it. Could easily see this as an animated episode!:twilightsmile:

That was cute, and yeah, like Jaxxon said, this felt like it could be an episode.

...Kind of unsure as to how she got the tooth out though...

I'm glad to see that this story is getting a good reception my friend.

Never mess with the Bon-inator...

9543491

Built a door, tied a string around the doorknob and the tooth, and slammed it.

(The tooth, not the door.)

9543394
Nice, that's exactly what I was going for.

9543491
I'll leave that up to your imagination. Maybe she did it with her magic.

9543511
Yeah, woke up to 15 notifications. :derpyderp2:

Comment posted by RK9 Mew2 deleted Oct 23rd, 2019

Time to make a vore version.

:pinkiecrazy:

9546561 :pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy:

Isn't nature wonderful? (Nature made Alondro... BLAME NATURE!!)

“What do you want from me?” Minuette said with trembling lips.

The dragon took a few very menacing steps towards her and leaned in close, barring its teeth. After a puff of smoke from its nostrils, it growled. “Pain!”

She blinked, "So... ok, I may be a little into the S&M scene, but I think you might be a little big for me."

The dragon blinked, "What the buck is wrong with you ponies?"

Minuette shrugged, "Fanfics?"

:trollestia:

How did you put slice of life and adventure on the same fic? 😕

Awesome and funny. BonBon's a badass.

9547803
Simple. It's a mundande everyday problem and solution, but in an epic setup.

Someone's going to make the bad pun at some point, so I'm making it: The dragon didn't make an appointment? Apparently he just thought he should come in at "tooth hurty."

“I think they’re heading towards the Dragon Lands.”
“Oh fluff, why’s it gotta be the Dragon Lands?”
“Probably because it’s a dragon, Lyra.”

You can't deny that logic.

A slightly bigger brown dragon stood on a ledge above Bon Bon with a rock over his head. He threw it at her, but she broke it into pieces in mind-air and launched one of the pieces back at the dragon, knocking out a few of his teeth.

Minuette: "Thanks, even more work for me."
Edit: Glad you decied to include this.

“Keep to soft foods for a day, then gradually add solid foods.”

Dragon: "I heard ponies are soft..."
Minuette: "Only on a metaphorical level."

9549239
Luna damn it I laughed longer then I should of.

saw this and was reminded of a kids book from the Dentist's Office
'Doctor De Soto'
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doctor_De_Soto

See, this is what I expected when I watched the Dragon Dentist anime. Pleasant, slightly comical with a bit of slice of life.

9553401

Huh... No new ideas and all that.


9553477

Case in point!

Comment posted by A Man Undercover deleted May 19th, 2019

9564132

Sure, english isn't my first language, so mistakes like that are bound to happen. What sort of details were you thinking of?

Comment posted by A Man Undercover deleted May 19th, 2019
Comment posted by A Man Undercover deleted May 19th, 2019

This was great! Fun mix of slice-of-life, humor, and some adventure. As others have said, I could very well see this as an actual episode XD

Comment posted by A Man Undercover deleted May 19th, 2019

9599423

I know, I intentionally left out a lot of things, because they add literally nothing to the story. I didn't detail how the dragon looks, because it means nothing. I didn't detail how Minuette got the tooth out, because the narrative makes sense without that information. I didn't detail dragons other than Garble and Minuette's "new friend", because none of them matter from a narrative standpoint, outside of the action scene. I didn't detail how the dragon learned of Minuette's work, because at that point, I might as well write down Lyra's and Bon Bon's journey to the Dragon Lands and back. And the story is simply not about that.

In fact, in some places extra details would have even been detrimental. Yes, I could have described the operation at the beginning, but what's the point? We all know Minuette is a dentist and the operation itself doesn't matter, so I might as well skip ahead to the part that actually matters. And I did actually think of adding some sort of dialogue between Lyra and Bon Bon, to fix up the whole "show don't tell" thing. But them talking about meeting Minuette would only pass the telling onto someone else and we're back to square one. Might as well get it out the way in a single sentence, without messing up the flow of the scene.

And yes, it is quick paced. But a good portion of the story is made of action sequences, while the rest is dialogue. The pace could only be slowed down if I detailed the operation on the dragon or something, but this ain't a medical thriller.

I don't doubt, that I have a lot to work on my writing; That's why I'm here writing silly fanfiction about ponies, not the fantasy epics I want to. And English isn't my first language, so a few clumsy mistakes are going to happen. And my pronoun game still leaves a few things to be desired. That's why I was willing to include a few of your suggestions, particularly ones that clarify the action.

But if we must get critical, then let's not leave your edit out of scrutiny either. Because your edit also had tense shifts here and there, along with word repetition. Like the word 'suddenly' appearing twice in a single sentence, towards the end. And Bon Bon became "Bon Boy" at some point.

Most of your changes relate to things I have already talked about. Like the details that don't actually contribute anything to the narrative. But it's not like the pacing is that much better in your version either. Like in the very beginning where the dragon snatches Minuette up and it launches into a chase scene. In your version, the scene grinds to a halt for them to have a brief exchange that ultimately adds nothing. You also unnecessarily expanded on jokes that were only supposed to be quick gags. Like what was originally a quick joke about Lyra tripping over a trashcan, became an entire paragraph in your version. Again, ruining the flow of a high-energy chase scene.

And let's not forget about your baffling decision to take out the subtle characterizations in the dialogue. When Minuette talks to the dragon, not unlike how she talked to the colt in the beginning, you cut out most of the personality in that scene. Or when Bon Bon acts all posh and overly polite to Garble and his posse and addresses them with "Greetings gentle-fellows!" You changed that to a generic "Hey guys!" Like... why?

Not to mention your odd fixation on Clump the dragon. You mention him by name like four times and I just don't get it. I mean, who cares? I didn't even know what his name was. Why not name the other dragons as well at this point? Why is Clump special?

So I admit, I am an okay writer at best. But let's not pretend that you have any more authority on the subject than I do, regardless of skill or talent. There were genuine reasons behind most of the movements of the scene and reading your edit made me even more confident in my decisions. I made the changes that I thought were needed to further my vision. Granted I have a lot more to learn when it comes to writing, I probably wouldn't be able to publish a book at this point. But neither would you.

You can stop nagging me about this now. Especially in the middle of the night.

Comment posted by A Man Undercover deleted May 19th, 2019

9600242

Honestly, I was going to share it around with a couple people anyway, just to see what they think. Of course, posting your version as a separate story would have been sketchy regardless of the rules, you'd be essentially gathering views for a story someone else wrote. A blog post affects pretty much nothing, so go ahead.

Also sorry about exploding all over you earlier. But seriously dude, you've been at this for almost a week now and I've been sleepy-headbanging at work because of it. People tend to lose their patience after that kind of stuff.

I felt that the original choice of dialogue made Bon Bon sound too British and refined, and Bon Bon is really the opposite of that.

Ehhh, that's a matter of interpretation. I always saw her as a classy mare, who just happens to be good at kicking tail. I mean, the story right before this involves her effortlessly infiltrating an elegant gathering and tricking a fellow spy.

Comment posted by A Man Undercover deleted May 19th, 2019

9600272
Hee hee, your avatar is a unicorn and his is a lion.

Are you beating each other all around the town?

:trollestia:

9604686

Where's my flipping plum cake?

9604940 I maed U a plum cake, but eye eeted it. :3

Comment posted by A Man Undercover deleted May 19th, 2019

In all seriousness, this story holds potential, but there are several things about it that I think need fixing up.

For instance, it just seemed too rushed and quick-paced, and there was a complete lack of description and specification in places.

Things just didn’t seem to have enough time to breath, that’s all I’m saying.

9631345

Alright, I've only been sleeping for two hours, but now everything you posted is deleted. What went down?

9631607

No, I mean what happened?

9631823
I’ll tell you about it pretty soon via private message.

Looking back on this story today, I couldn’t help but think that this would work a lot better as a comic book more than a word-for-word story. It would definitely translate things better, that’s for sure.

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