I Conedone Nothing
~*~
It’s a new day full of new possibilities, and you have a cheery spring in your step as you make your way to Rainbow Dash’s temporary house once more. With a good night of drugged-up sleep, you’re sure she’s feeling better. Hopefully she’s even come to accept her coned-up fate, which means she won’t be as much a handful today. If she’s very very good, you might even take the cone off for a little while on a trial period, to see if she can, you know, not pull her stitches out like a puppy or something.
You rap forcefully on the door to be sure she hears you, though you suspect with that cone on her head it’s probably amplifying each noise like a megaphone. From inside, you hear what sounds like a groan, then a series of shuffles and bumps.
“…Dash?”
“I’m coming!” she barks.
Another crash and groan of anguish follows.
It doesn’t take much for you to put two and two together to figure out exactly what’s happening in there. Despite Rainbow Dash being a very maneuverable and dextrous pony in the air, you suspect that her spacial awareness is all sorts of messed up with her cone on. Sure enough, as the door opens, you stifle a laugh as she greets you, mane an absolute tangled nest, and a small coat rack still clinging onto the side of the cone. Behind her, you can see a small end-table knocked over, and a few trophies scattered across the floor.
Dash follows your gaze, examines your scrunched up, barely restrained face, and narrows her eyes at you.
“Very funny wise guy,” she grumbles. “What do you want?”
You wave a hand back and forth in front of you, as if brushing off the giggle fit threatening to overwhelm you.
“Sorry, sorry,” you say quickly. “I’m just over to get you through the day again. Like yesterday, you know?”
“I don’t need your help,” she says sharply.
“Oh come on, are we back at that again? Don’t you remember yesterday?”
“How can I forget!” she practically shouts. “It was super mortifying, and I don’t know how my rep is going to recover! No thanks to you.”
You raise your hands in a defensive gesture.
“Hey, I was asked to help, and you needed pills. You couldn’t even eat on your own.”
“I could have… eventually. I’d have found a way. Or something.”
“Dash…”
“Fine, fine,” she says with a huff, then opens the door wider. “I haven’t had breakfast yet, so if you’re going to insist on helping me, you best get in here before somepony sees.”
It’s difficult to suppress an eye roll as you walk into the house and she shuts the door behind you. As she opens her mouth to speak again, you reach down and unhook the coat rack, before standing it upright again by the door. She shuts her mouth, glares once more, and then tries again.
“So, I know I need to eat. But those pills made me feel weird, so no more of those, okay?”
“You know you need them.”
“I get some say in my care, and I say no pills, got it?!”
“We’ll discuss it later then,” you grumble. “Let’s get you some food first, you’re always grumpy when you’re hungry.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Know what? Nothing Whatever. Just come with me to the kitchen okay?”
Dash takes flight, swaying unsteadily from side to side in the air, and you reach out one hand to her back, pressing down towards the ground. She shoots you a look, but then slowly settles downward.
“This isn’t your cloud castle,” you tell her gently. “Walking only for a little while, okay?”
“Fine,” she snaps, “this place is too cluttered anyway.”
“With your stuff.”
“My trophies are important!”
“Whatever, come on,” you say with an eyeroll.
Now that her meds have worn off, she seems to be the same old sassy annoying Dash you knew before. She seems to have totally forgotten about her sleepy trip home, or your brief conversation there. You’re not sure why you expected anything different.
Dash sits at the small kitchen table, still grumbling behind you. Honestly, with how ornery she is right now, you wouldn’t be surprised if that pill left her a little hungover or something. Nothing a batch of cheesy scrambled eggs, Ramsay style, won’t fix! Or so you hope. Spending the day with Rainbow Dash was honestly something you weren’t totally dreading, after yesterday. Now? You’re not so sure.
“You about done? I’m soooooo hungry,” Dash groans.
“Would you prefer to try to cook yourself?” you ask, your tone warning.
“No…”
“Then wait just a few minutes. Be patient, okay?”
A series of unintelligible grumbles are all you hear in response. You use the spatula to continue mixing and turning the eggs until the cheese gets just a little melty, but before the eggs get rubbery, then quickly remove them from heat, and scoop them out onto a plate. Not your finest batch of eggs, but still pretty damn good.
You turn, ever the proud chef, and bring the plate to the table, setting it down in front of Dash. She eyes the plate both warily and hungrily.
“Eggs?”
“Yes, scrambled eggs. My speciality.”
“…could you get me… like… some kind of straw then?” she says hesitantly. “They look… really soft. Almost too soft. Maybe I can drink them.”
Although you’re at first insulted, you quickly recognize that she’d just saying all this to try to avoid being fed again. In spite of yourself, you can’t help but smile as you gently shake your head at her.
“Nope, I don’t have a straw for you. But I can still help you eat.”
“That’s what I was afraid of,” she mumbles.
Her shoulders rise and fall in a sigh, and you suddenly notice that her face is genuinely sullen. Not just that sassy, pouty look that actually is kind of endearing… you know, if you liked that sort of thing. She looks genuinely sad. Her wings sag, and her ears press out to either side, drooping against the interior of the cone. She stares down into your scrambled eggs as if they’ve dealt her some sort of cutting insult.
“Hey,” you say softly. “Look, I promise I won’t make any jokes about it. And there’s no one here this time to watch, so there’s no reason to feel weird about it, okay? I’ll just feed you the eggs, and then we’ll be done, and move on to something fun or distracting, okay?”
She glances up at you without really raising her head. Then back down at the plate.
“…okay,” she says hollowly. “I just really hate how… helpless I’ve felt with this stupid thing on my head. It makes me feel pathetic, and even if no one else is laughing at me, I feel like I’d be laughing at me. And that hurts almost as much I guess.”
“Well, I won’t laugh if you don’t,” you say, setting a comforting hand on her shoulder. “And it’s just temporary. You’ll be back to hitting the skies and eating hay burgers on your own in no time. Okay?”
She looks at you fully then, and you see a soft rosy blush seep into her cheeks. Your eyes lock, and you give her a sincere, sympathetic smile as your hand pats her area right between her wings. It’s surprisingly… intimate like this, and you find yourself suddenly self conscious at the whole situation. You wouldn’t be surprised if a little color wasn’t creeping into your face as well.
Rainbow quickly breaks your gaze, but she’s smiling a bit now, which is better than before.
“Fine, fine,” she says. “Let’s just do this, there’s things I wanted to do today. Well, besides eat."
You quickly pull your hand back and look away, searching for a spoon. Once you locate one, you lift up a spoonful of eggs and offer it into the center of the cone. You don’t make any airplane noises out loud… but you kind of do a little in your head. What Dash doesn’t know won’t hurt her.
Although hesitant at first, Dash opens her mouth and closes it over the spoon, pulling the eggs off of it and swallowing without even chewing. And with scrambled eggs that smooth, who would even need to chew! He eyes widen a little at the very first bite, and she glances at you with an approving nod.
“Hey, these don’t suck!”
“You can thank Chef Ramsay for that.”
“Oh, who’s he? Was he your dad or something?”
You sigh heavily.
“If only. I would have gotten… so so fat.”
“Eh, then maybe better if he wasn’t,” Dash says with a shrug. “I think you look fine now.”
You blink at her, and this time the blush spreads across her face quickly. She stammers at you, and you nearly drop the spoon as a crinkling smile spreads up one corner of your lips. You know you’d said you wouldn’t laugh at her eating… but this is too good an opportunity to pass up.
“Oh, so you think I’m fiiine?” you say, drawing out the word.
“That’s n-not what I meant!”
“Why miss Dash, I didn’t know you felt that way!”
“You know that’s not what I meant!”
“I know humans and ponies are so different,” you say theatrically, “but that you, the great Rainbow Dash would think a lowly man like me would be so unbelievably, overwhelmingly attractive? I don’t know what to say! Oh Dash, you’ve set my heart all a-flutter!”
You reach out and clasp her hoof, and she jerks it away from you, grimacing.
“Ew don’t touch me!” she cries.
“But Dash, you think I’m so hot! You’re deeply attracted to me, I won’t deny you your heart’s desire!”
You reach out for her again, pursing your lips for an exaggerated smooch, and she pulls away with an annoyed whine.
“Why are you so weeeird!” she groans. “Stop being gross and just feed me already!”
In an instant, you sit up straight again, smiling smugly.
“Hey, only because you asked,” you say calmly. “It doesn’t seem so bad now, does it?”
“I guess not,” she grumbles as she settles back into her chair. “Just… no more talking.”
“If you insist.”
You feed her the rest of the eggs in silence, secretly enjoying the soft “ahm” noises that she makes with each bite. Like you said before, what Dash doesn’t know won’t hurt her, and you’re allowed to enjoy how adorable she looks right now. You might not get to see her like this ever again, for all you know.
With breakfast done and the dishes washed, you and Dash stand in the kitchen, staring blankly at each other. The pony had said that she wanted to do stuff today, but so far she hasn’t said much, and the silence is ever growing. Especially since you respected her wishes and didn’t talk as you fed her.
“Soooo…” you say at last.
“Yeeeeah…” she responds, kicking one hoof at the ground.
“Not to try to, you know, take away from your ability to do stuff and take care of yourself,” you say hastily, “is there anything else you needed help with?”
She cringes, as if some horrible thought has occurred to her, and looks sharply away from you. Un oh, you hope to god she doesn’t say she needs help going to the bathroom.
“Actually… I wanted to know if…”
“Y-yeah?”
“Look, not that I care a lot about my appearance or anything. That’s all Rarity’s business, not mine, got it?”
“O…kay?”
“But… could you… maybe…”
“Yes?”
“…help me brush my mane and tail?”
You absolutely stare at the mare. Okay, so it’s a lot better than you thought it was going to be, but still, you’re a little surprised. You didn’t think that Rainbow Dash actually brushed her mane. Like at all. It always had this windswept devil-may-care look that you assumed just came naturally. But you suppose that all the colors did always line up in a perfect rainbow, and there was no way that was going to happen without a little work. Looking at her ruffled, tangled mane now, it really just looks like a multicolor bird’s nest on top of her head.
You’re no stylist, but you did come here to help her through her day, and you guess this counts. After what feels like way too long a pause, you give her a little nod.
“Yeah, sure, I can do that,” you say. “As long as you don’t ask me to give you a perm or something like that.”
“I told you, don’t be gross,” she says as she gives you a glare.
“Fine, fine, lead the way.”
You follow Rainbow Dash to her room, a place you thought you’d never actually see. Not just because Dash’s real home is in the clouds, where you can never set foot, but also because you haven’t exactly been in a lot of girls’ rooms before. She may be a pony, but you’re pretty sure Dash still counts as a girl, so… maybe this is an accomplishment of some sort for you.
Dash settles herself on the foot of her bed and faces her back towards you, then gestures to a dresser where a large, purple brush with a butterfly at the base is sitting. You figure, given the animal choice, it’s probably a gift from Fluttershy. There are wisps of various hair colors curling out from between the bristles.
“Just… run it through a couple of times for the bangs, the mane, and the tail, and we’ll call it done, okay?” she grumbles, refusing to make eye contact with you.
You shrug, and go pick up the brush. Still feeling a little awkward about doing it, you sit down behind her on the bed and push the cone as far forward as you can, then raise the brush to her mane. Very slowly, you run it downwards with the grain of the hair, in one full stroke. Dash winces as the bristles catch on a tangle or two, and you pause to move gradually through them rather than jerking. The last thing you want to do is keep pulling out hair, and turn the mare bald. You’re pretty sure she’d actually murder you at that point.
“That okay?” you ask after a few movements. “Not hurting?”
You watch her shoulder blades rise and fall in a shrug.
“You’re doing okay,” she mumbles. “Just careful with the tugging.”
You’re doing okay? Well that’s a surprise. As if you haven’t even heard her, you accidentally give a hard pull on her mane with the brush, maybe getting a little too confident in your new-found hair styling abilities.
“OW!” she yelps. “Hey!”
“Sorry, sorry,” you say hastily. “I’m new at this.”
“What, you don’t brush your own hair?”
“My hair is short, it doesn’t count.”
“Whatever just… learn fast, okay? My head can only take so much.”
You roll you eyes, but your hands move more steadily and smoothly now. You pull the brush through her mane until the colors fall into place in rows, and then the hair begins to feel silky underneath your guiding hands. You’re shocked at how this jagged, spiky looking mane can feel so soft and delicate. You honestly would have never expected.
“Uh… maybe the tail now?” she says, shocking you out of the mini-trance you were in.
“What? Oh, right, sorry!” you say hastily.
Were you really lost in the experience of petting her mane? You shake the idea off, an make an oath never to tell her that the thought even crossed your mind.
The tail goes as same as the back of her mane, with it spread out across the bed so you can brush it more easily. It starts with clumps and tangles, that you work through feeling her flinch occasionally when you pull too hard. But the flinches come less and less. In fact, you’re pretty sure you even felt her sigh once. Does this… feel good to her? You can’t remember the last time someone brushed your hair for you, but the idea of it isn’t exactly… negative. Not that you’d ask anyone to do it for you nowadays, but it might be relaxing. You know, in a weird way.
After a few minutes, her tail too begins to become soft and shiny, and the colors all begin to match up. For a moment, you think you’re done, but then you hear Dash clear her throat, and you look up to find her glancing sheepishly at you over one shoulder through the clear plastic of the cone. With one hoof, she gestures towards her face.
“Um… the bangs?” she says haltingly. “They actually look the worst.”
“Right, and then we’re done!” you say quickly, maybe sounding a little too eager for this all to be done.
“Yeah then we can do… literally anything but this, and never speak of it again.”
“Sounds fine to me.”
Dash turns to face you entirely, and you push the cone back so you have full access to the front of her mane. She sets her ears flat to either side, and looks away from you, face flushed with embarrassment. You try not to stare at the rose in her face as you carefully run the brush and your fingers through her forelock to break up the nest of tangles. This time, she doesn’t even flinch once. Her mane is getting long, you notice, almost so long it hangs into her eyes, but you decide not to mention it. The hair feels absurdly good between your fingers, like cool water or fine satin. You’re not one to jump at the chance to go to a petting zoo, but if all the animals there were this soft, you might change your mind on that.
You're also so... close to her face. Your hands keep brushing over her forehead and ears, and you're just... sitting on her bad, Looking down into her face, trying not to make eye contact. It's... weird. All this is weird. Everything about this is weird. Why did you sign up for this again?
At long last, after what feels like forever, the mane seems to un-tangle under your guidance, and set into the lightly waved rainbow pattern it usually has. No sooner have you completed that, than you spring backwards from her, and hastily set the brush down on the dresser. This all feels way too awkward and uncomfortable for some reason, you’re so ready to not be in this room anymore. As if agreeing, Dash too springs to her feet.
“Hey, uh, thanks Anon,” she says quickly, refusing to look at you. “I’m sure that’s much better.”
“Yep, no more tangles!” you say in a rushed stutter. “Just brush away all your concerns!”
You hate yourself in this moment.
Luckily, Dash ignores your horrible comment, and nods towards the door.
“Cool, so, there’s a horror movie marathon on today, if you wanna…”
“Yes, downstairs. I’ll make popcorn!” you say with a fervent nod before striding quickly out of her room.
You just pray that Dash can at least get down the stairs on her own at least, because, for some reason, your stomach feels tight, and the back of your neck feels hot. Yet again you can’t help thinking that Dash actually looks cute like this, cone and all. You try to push the thoughts from your mind as you head to the kitchen in search of some popcorn.
When you return to the small living room, Dash already has the TV on, and a strange spider-pony hybrid is crawling across the screen making a noise you’re pretty sure you’ve heard as a stock noise in a million other horror movies. She nods to you cooly, as if nothing at all is weird. Honestly, you’re a little thankful for that, and would prefer that the both of you never spoke of your foray into hair styling again.
You walk to the couch and sit down next to her, the cushion next to you popping up a little like an air bag, causing Dash to let out a little “eep” of surprise. Rather than making an audible noise of appreciation at the adorable sound, you turn your attention to the fresh bowl of popcorn in your lap.
“So, what movie is this?”
“Attack of the Spider Ponies Two,” she says with a shrug.
“Any good?”
“The first one was kinda okay. Had some good fight scenes, but this one is mostly just jump scares.”
“Oh good, I love jump scares!” you say, knowing damn well you almost wet yourself anytime one happens. Also that you hate spiders.
“Hey, me too!” she says with a grin. “I love watching the other ponies cry like babies when that happens.”
Finally, it feels like Dash is acting like herself. You feel yourself settle back into your usual vague annoyance of her, but acceptance of her guy-ish personality. You ease back onto the couch and toss a piece of popcorn into your mouth. Perfect amount of salt, perfect amount of butter. Gordon Ramsay eat your heart out.
“Uh… Anon?” you hear a growl next to you.
You glance up to see Dash eyeing the bowl of popcorn, then looking back up at you expectantly. It only takes you a moment to figure it out.
“Oh, right!” you say. “Sorry.”
Before she can say anything else, you pick up a piece of popcorn, turn towards her, lean back, and make an arching shot with it through the air. She lets out a little noise of indignation as the popcorn bounces off the rim of the cone, then tumbles down into the center. You pump your fists both into the air with a little whoop.
“YES! Two points!” you exclaim with a grin.
She glowers at you, then leans her head to the side and manages to pick up the piece of popcorn from her cone, and crunches on it defiantly.
“Hah-hah, very funny,” she says in a sour tone.
“Oh come on, you can get it, I believe in you!” you say with a short laugh.
Once more, you pick up a pice of popcorn, and aim towards the cone. Dash starts to protest, then opens her mouth and you take a shot towards her tongue. Your aim is a little off, but she swerves her head and manages to catch it with a sharp crunch. She too holds up her hooves into the air in triumph, and the both of you let out soft “whoo!”s of victory.
“See? You’re Rainbow Dash, expert popcorn basketball player!” you say officially.
“Yeah, I am pretty awesome,” she says, puffing out her chest. “But eating popcorn like this would take forever.”
“Hmmm,” you say, scratching your chin thoughtfully. “I suppose you’re right.”
An idea suddenly occurs to you, and before the mare can protest, you lift the bowl of popcorn high above her head, then dump a good portion of it into her cone. She squawks at you like a flustered parrot, but it’s too late, and by the time you put the bowl back in your lap, she’s up the the bottoms of her eyes in fresh-popped popcorn. You try not to laugh as you grin jovially at her, while she just glares back over a sea of fluffy white.
“You’re a jerk, Anon,” she grumbles.
“You’re welcome!”
Dash looks like she’s about to say something else to you, but she stops, considering. Then, as you watch, she darts her tongue out to one side, like a furry blue lizard, and snatches a piece of popcorn with it. It flicks back into her mouth, and she chews it, before repeating the gesture. It’s so weird and so funny, that now you can’t help but laugh.
“Yeah yeah, laugh it up funny guy,” she grunts at you. “But at least it works.”
“Yep, you’re finally self sufficient. Like a living funnel.”
“Just shut up and watch the movie,” she snaps.
You shut your mouth, still chuckling internally, and settle back against the couch. You watch as the spider ponies on the screen creep into the home of an unsuspecting old mare, and how she screams for pest repellant as she fights them off in the kitchen with pots and pans. Out of the corner of your eye, you can see Dash gradually beginning to relax too, still lizard-eating the popcorn in her cone. After a while, she sighs and turns towards you.
“Hey, I’m feeling a little sleepy. What’s in this popcorn?”
A smug grin spreads over your lips, and you see her narrow her eyes at you over the popcorn.
“Just salt and butter. But your pill was in the scrambled eggs.”
Her jaw drops and her eyes go wide. She lets out a growl, and you think she’s about to lash out at you, when suddenly theres an abrupt and etherial scream from the TV.
You jump a little in your seat, almost dropping the bowl. But more surprisingly, next to you, Dash lets out a startled yelp. She shudders all over and jolts upright in fright, her eyes dilating like a scared cat’s. Her jump sends a rain of popcorn spouting out the top of the cone, and down around you in a dull, soft clatter. You both sit there in silence, as you look at her with a cocked eyebrow.
“So, you love jump scares, huh?” you say chidingly.
“Not. Another. Word,” she mutters. “I hope that when I get all loopy soon I drool on your shirt again.”
Honestly? After what you’ve been through today, you probably wouldn’t complain.
-END-
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Uh-hmmm · 1.3k words · 494 17 · 7.9k views
- StoryWeaverKP · 11k words · 294 9 · 6.5k views
- Flutterpriest · 3.4k words · 6.3k views
- L-N · 1.7k words · 804 34 · 15k views
- anonpencil · 1.8k words · 256 28 · 4.9k views
- Cackling Moron · 7.8k words · 304 6 · 5.2k views
- Cackling Moron · 4.1k words · 228 1 · 3.5k views
- ObabScribbler · 1.6k words · 418 26 · 9.4k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.187 seconds
Total duration
625 users online
982,472 hits today, 2,280,440 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
The cone of shame is an endless source of daw entertainment
AND THEN THEY KISSED
9697158
YOU WISH.
9697164
YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT
Typical pony-reaction after meeting an brony.
Yeah, she would kick you all the way to Cloudsdale.
Despite him being right.Even in different dimensions they are still using the same sound effects.
Good chapter!
I enjoyed reading it.
Especially your idea with the cone and the popcorn.
Wouldn't mind more chapters. They are cute together
Just one thing. Maybe the fact that english isn't my first language is finally catching up to me but:
“Yeah, sure, I can do that,” you say. “As long as you don’t ask me to give you a perm or something like that.”
“I don’t you, don’t be gross,” she says as she gives you a glare.
Just feels wrong but it could be me.
9697361
Should be "I told you", so I fixed that. Thanks!
Adorable
God, this as so adorable. I loved it. :D
One small typo, though.
Should be 'to the'.
This ... is necessary.
I need more of this sort of thing as a weapon to use in my fight against depression.
You are doing good work here that actually matters to at least one reader.
Yes please! Raincone Dash is a trip!
Yes. More of this is good.
We need more Funnel Dash.
Next chapter needs to involve Rainbows famous chest floof. Maybe it gets tangled where the cones latch is?
Fucking. Adorable.
I love it and I need more!
This was delightful, and I wish to see more.
think it should be a "she" or you need to rework it in a "you are greeted by"
Dash
Hm I'm a bit perplexed on the setting... From what I remember last chapter she was in Anon's room in his house on the ground.
Now it seems that it is her room in another house on the ground.
9698509
YEP. I messed that up some. I'll probably go back and fix that up some later.
PLEASE make more chapters. These two have been absolutely hilarious.
Glorious, still absolutely loving this!
Nnng girls with cones are so hot.
This was adorabllleeee
and funny.
Good stuff!
Good stuff.
It's fun and funny! I could read more of it!
I agree with Priest.
AND THEN THEY KISSED
If she is kissed, that cone will stop her from wiping the kiss away.
Gasp at the author's note!
This extra chapter was adorable. Hoping a future chapter uses "In-cone-ceivable!" as the name.
Silly question, and I know it would ruin the premise of the story, but since Dash isn't an animal, is there any other reason Anon couldn't take the cone off her for some things?
9717482
Even though she's not an animal, Rainbow Dash is still a muncher.
I'd certainly be up for more. But I'm also a huge sap when I'm not being a huge pervert (sometimes I multitask).
This is too funny. I was reading this on break and laughed loud enough for my boss to give me a funny look. Misty have more lol.
Love it!
I for one would love more.
Moar?
Moar.
Honestly pencil, was there ever such a time when you offered to write more someday and people actually said no?
But yes. Yes, we do want more.
9715186
Someone else who uses the quote tags!
okawari!!!!
10251012
Dunce cap
I honestly wouldn't mind reading an 80 chapter story of this.
Lol please add more to this story
11124134
TEXAS!
That was really funny!
This is awesome and hilarious! Have you thought of continuing it?
beanless chili is a staple in the NE. Not as a meal, though but in most cases as a condiment. Usually for hotdogs. I also use it as a topping for a pastie.