• Member Since 6th Oct, 2014
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Don't read my stuff if you have a weak stomach or are easily bothered by traumatic genitalia damage. That's seriously all I've got in here!


Living in a studio apartment has its upsides. It's quiet, easy to clean, and it's all the space you really need! In fact, being in wide open spaces is kind of a problem for you, and coming home feels amazing after a grueling day outside. It's lucky you have Twilight there to make you feel comfortable and safe whenever you finally shut the door behind you.

Still, there's some part of you screaming that this safety and comfort isn't entirely a good thing. Feeling safe can't possibly be bad, can it?

Warning: This story is not a comedy, and deals with anxiety and phobia. NOT my normal fare.

Reading by Nante HERE!

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 61 )

This was a painfully accurate description of the feeling. And yes, it's necessary to keep going because if you stop once, you have to go through it all over again.

Thank you very much, well done.

It definitely is necessary. But BOY does it suck!

Very nicely done, Pencil. I don't have agoraphobia, but I do have OCD with its accompanying depression. Like your subject, I live alone; in my case, it's Fluttershy who is there for me when I need her, as well as another very dear friend, Gadget Hackwrench, who you see there in my avatar. And it's easier for me now, because I'm retired and can rest whenever I want.

Also, I'm impressed by how you realistically integrated Twilight into the subject's reality. I haven't read a story before that took this approach. What Twilight says is entirely appropriate for the voice that your subject hears when they open up and let in Twilight's spirit.

If you know of other writers who have done stories like this one, please give me a link or two.

-- Wayne

A sobering story. At first I thought the problem was stress due to lack of a proper vacation, then I figured it was something else. I think if the imaginary Twilight was replaced with a real Golden Retriver things would end much sweeter.

You have a typo.


Fuck I need a drink

Thanks for the catch, fixed.

So that's what it could become? I'm now revaluating my insecurities and mild anxiety. This was a nice little story, and a real eye opener.

Don't let yourself become agoraphobic if you can help it. It's not a fun thing to deal with, so if you're able, just make sure you don't become addicted to the safety and comfort of never going out. There's nothing wrong with wanting to stay home with a good book, of course, as long as you still have the ability to go out and about and do what you need to.
It rarely gets so bad you can't go outside at all, extreme cases there. But it can still make life rough. So go enjoy the outdoors! :)


Psalms 55:22. "Cast your cares onto the Lord, and he will sustain you. He will never let the righteous fall." I think of that verse whenever I feel anxious about anything. That and I listen to music.

Trust me, im not planning on becoming an agoraphobic. You sound like you speak from personal experience.

Heh. Never thought that would be an aspect of my little world explored on this site. The internet is my outdoors more often than not..

Nicely done Pencil. You get 1x:moustache:

Hey, whatever helps you get through it.
And yeah, definitely.

Glad to know it rang true to those who have had this experience.

I had a feeling halfway through that Twilight was in his head.

Good. I really didn't want to make that subtle or leave it in question, heh.

I thought this was a guide for making Tulpa. Sorely mistaken.

Sorry to dash your hopes, my friend. I hope your tulpamancy goes well in the future, and that you'll be cuddling your mind-horse soon.

Thank you. Thank you for giving light to our trama.

The world doesn't understand us, the mentally ill.
We're stereotyped. The Autistic are all geniuses. Schizophrenia means your a killer. And anything else makes you a monster or a freak.

Thank you for showing the truth.

You can't breathe, you can't thing, and then you feel your heart jolt uncomfortably in one sudden loud thud.

think (oops :twilightoops:)
Reminiscent of Jodie Foster's character in Nim's Island.

Noted and fixed. Thank you.


Schizophrenia means your a killer.

"Roses are red, violets are blue; I'm a schizophrenic and so am I."

Totally not insulting anyone with mental ailments, mind you.

Eh, not exactly how schizophrenia works, it's pretty different than split personality disorder. But that's also a pretty classic joke at this point, heard it a few times. :)

Mind-horses, what a terrifying prospect. I imagine being tormented by something like this:

:fluttershysad: I'm sorry, but it's time to wake up now.
:raritystarry: Darling, you need stylize you hair and shave better in the morning.
:applejackunsure: Sugercube, you need to be at work in ten minutes.
:rainbowhuh: Dude, you need to go to the gym after work.
:pinkiehappy: Sweet! It's time to socialize in the afternoon!
:twilightsmile: You should read and write something before bed!

You know, I used to be afraid of damn near everything, and hateful of it to boot. Came near to giving up many times.
But then I eventually managed to breed a special blend of hatred, spite, and apathy within myself that created this conclusion:
Fuck life.
Fuck the universe.
If life hates me, then I'm going to keep living in spite of it all.
Because life can go fuck itself with a cactus.

I'm not the most stable person. I talk to voices in my head on a regular basis, one of which is a cliché edgy bastard who hates everything and wants me to destroy everything, and the other is nicer and more sane that I am.
But I'm not going to give life the satisfaction of beating me, and it will have to bring me down kicking and screaming.

Was reminded of this.


Ponies=the NHK conspiracy.

This...hurt to read, because it all feels so scarily similar. :fluttershyouch:

But thank you.

Nice story, I can somewhat relate to this.

I can relate. There are times where I feel like just sleeping, but then I remember the fact I have insomnia, narcolepsy, and sleep apnea.
So... I'm too busy being messed up to be afraid. There's no time. So I schedule fear.

Once in the middle of the night for an hour every third month is the usual appointment time.

It's kind of disturbing that I'm being genuine.

It is odd, wonderful, and saddening to me that so many people can relate to this story. But I do hope it makes you feel less alone and less...freakish? I sincerely don't want people feeling like their mental illness makes them a monster.

Just a quick question. Is the chapter title an innuendo?

Nope. It is not. Not this time, but knowing me, I understand why you'd think that!

7784683 Weakness can become strength, friend. Do not forget that.

I have to admit, I am impressed. This was a very well done story! Motivating, inspirational, thought-provoking, as well as tear-jerking at some parts too!

You knew what you were talking about, and crafted the most beautifully agonizing tapestry to display the feeling. The raw emotion that goes into those fears, harnessed into a short, but well-constructed story.

I'd say this deserves a solid 9.5-10/10. Very well done.

and the pressure against your apartment’s walls lessons some.

You mean 'lessens'.

Thank you for the catch.

7785843 No problem, OP.

Aside from the typo, this was very heartfelt, realistic. Take your like, fave, and follow. You earned it.

Nicely done. A good reminder that avoiding life doesn't make things better in the long run.

7785519 I can't, it's something I have on a poster above my bed.
7784860 I've never felt monstrous. Isolated, broken, and lost? Yes. But all I have to do is log in to FimFiction and I know, that you never feel alone here.

Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun.
Now there's a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.

Today, I just came back from a two days trip to Italia with a dear friend. Four years ago, I couldn't even go to the store that was a hundred meters from home without feeling that I was dying.

There is hope. It's definitely not an easy road but nobody is beyond salvation.

Loved the emotions this story gave off.
Though, Twilight sort of felt like she was like the devil on your shoulder, tempting you to stay within the room.

Yeah, that's for a reason.

7782938 7782941
Thank you for introducing me to the concept and practice of Tulpa.


Be sure to make your Jackie Chan tulpa first for protection, just in case you mess up your pony one.

But for the love of god don't fuck up the Jackie Chan tulpa.

I enjoyed the story, and the responses in the comment section help explain that this sort of situation is real. Not necessarily Twilight as a face to an internal voice, but the situation as a whole (though as far as faces for a mental voice, Twilight is a pretty gentle one).
This was a very enjoyable read.:twilightsmile:

You've made a Jackie Chan tulpa? Things must get interesting when you switch and your tulpa somehow knows Jackie Chan's signature acrobatic parkour-esque martial arts and he starts moving.
Though given what little I've read, the tulpa would likely have a identity crisis when the real Jackie Chan dies (but we all know that Jackie Chan will use his crazy frantic moves to evade and beat death forever, thus becoming immortal:rainbowlaugh::rainbowwild:)
Probably better to make a Bruce Lee tulpa to protect you (God help you if you mess him up and he/it goes Fight Club on you)

The reading/creation guide that I have found

7790503 It's neat that this is coming up in conversation cause I just started watching Jackie Chan Adventures a few days ago. I think Jackie Chan's one of my favorite celebrities.

This is a really great story, and it presents the issue well. I kind of have this inclination a little sometimes, but really the opposite may apply to me a bit more. I feel kind of unwell if I spend too much time inside.

That was a panic attack. :rainbowderp: I don't think I've ever had a spike of anxiety on the scale of a real panic attack but it can be debilitating sometimes, though I don't have agoraphobia. And that's so true about inertia! You need momentum to get anything done but it is so hard to get! Plus it needs to be maintained forever or you just start all over. :ajsleepy:

I've never had suicidal thoughts, but sometimes it can feel like the value of life is negative, i.e. worse than not existing, and I have to wonder how those even worse off than me keep going? To help deal with it I will often imagine a future in which technology has allowed me to magic away all these terrible traits and make happiness my natural state, like it seems to be in others rather than an ethereal butterfly that's hardly even worth chasing. Other times, I just wish I could sleep for fifty years and wake up as somepony else. :fluttershysad:

Other times I might get angry at the universe for even allowing minds to exist in tortuous states—and trapped like that! :twilightangry2: It keeps me moving forward by making me determined to tame this uncaring universe. Yes, that is just how the world works, and trying to tame it might be like declaring war upon the force of gravity, but I would do it and find a way, or die trying, because it's the only thing worth it. :rainbowdetermined2:

Anyway, nicely done depicting Twilight's presence/absence. It felt like knowing the truth, but trying your hardest to ignore it despite tripping up with thoughts like 'the empty room' and forgetting to ignore the lack of sensation from her touch.

PS. On a more casual note, I believe there's a grammar error in "Like your drowning." It should probably be 'you're.'


Is that typical agoraphobia? People used to say it was a fear of open spaces, not any kind of social phobia. I wonder if it's more than one unrelated phobia going by the same name.

The way you describe it, especially the inertia, sounds like clinical depression, but having a general cause, a focus, so that only certain actions seem difficult.

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