You Won't BELIEVE What Happens Next!
Vignette Valencia snarled at the Rainbooms from her halted parade float, visions of likes and rechirps without number dancing before her eyes. "This is your chance to be everything you've always wanted, Rarity!"
"No! It's a chance to look like everything I've always wanted! What I really want has been right in front of me the whole time! My friends!" Eyes met. Nods were exchanged. Hands joined. The girls rose into the air, seven wills united as one. The bonds between them and the power of their geodes came together in the focal point at the center of their formation.
"No amount of online success is worth it without my real-life friends to share it," said Rarity. She smiled as she turned to the girl in whom the power gathered. "Which is why I'm sharing my success now."
Applejack nodded at her, then looked down upon Vignette Valencia and cracked her knuckles, feeling the magic within her surging to levels unlike anything she'd ever experienced. She didn't need much time to consider her options. Twilight would probably disassemble the enchanted phone. Sunset would hammer the lessons she'd learned about the value of others directly into that thick skull until it took. Rarity? Applejack wasn't sure what she'd do, but it'd sure as heck be elegant.
Elegance was not one of Applejack's strengths.
Strength was one of her strengths.
And so, just as Vignette was bringing her camera to bear, Applejack came surging down and punched the woman so hard, she broke through space and time.
Applejack shook out her hand as she smirked at the rippling distortion hanging in the air in front of her. "That'll learn ya."
The crowd was silent. Rainbow Dash landed next to Applejack on the float and voiced the thought running through most of the minds in the area. "Holy crap, AJ, did you just kill her?"
"What?" Applejack flinched back as though she'd been punched herself. "O' course not! I just sent her somewhere she can learn to appreciate how there's a world outside 'er phone."
By this point, the other Rainbooms had climbed or flown onto the float. "Hang on," said Sunset, "are you saying you banished Vignette Valencia to Equestria?"
Applejack nodded. "Way I figure it, after all the evil creatures and crazy magic we've had to deal with, it's about time we threw somethin' back at 'em. Uh, no o—."
A diamond-hard stare born of uncounted attempts at ring toss stopped her cold. "Don't you even start."
Rarity sidled up to Applejack, lashes aflutter. "Applejack, darling, I can't say I completely disagree with your reasoning, but you do realize there will be consequences to Vignette simply disappearing, yes? Especially in front of this many witnesses?" She swept a hand over the crowd, who cheered as though they were just happy to be acknowledged.
"I don't believe they understand what's going on," said Twilight.
"The tyrant is gone!" cried an Equestria Land employee. "The age of the stress salad is no more! Huzzah!"
"Huzzah!" chorused his fellow wage slaves.
Twilight blinked. "Or they don't care. That's also a possibility."
Applejack smirked at Rarity. "See? Ain't like anybody's gonna miss her."
"Three million followers on Snapgab."
"And when the next big thing comes 'round, ain't none of 'em gonna care about Vignette." Applejack beamed and slapped Rarity on the back. "Shoot, you might be that next big thing!"
Rarity shook her head as she got back to her feet. "That's a very... Oof... A very nice thought, darling, but this isn't Haylander. Defeating Vignette doesn't mean we claim her Internet fanbase for our own."
"Yowza!" They turned to Pinkie Pie, her thumbs flying over her phone. "Rarity, you're trending just about everywhere!"
Rarity stared into the distance for a moment. "Why does this world mock me so?"
"I know," said Sunset. "Usually it's me."
Once Rarity shook off the existential haze, she said, "What do you mean 'trending everywhere,' Pinkie?"
"Take a look!" Pinkie shoved her phone into Rarity's face, immediately overwhelming her with light and motion, a bunch of digital sound and fury signifying nothing she could comprehend.
"Gah!"
"Oops! Sorry." Sanity returned to the world as Pinkie withdrew her device, grinning sheepishly. "Custom content aggregator app Twilight and I made."
"Is that what we did?" Twilight adjusted her glasses with a distant look, her eyes flitting back and forth as she dug through her memory. "That whole weekend's just a blur of cupcake icing and curly braces."
Rarity cleared her throat. "I believe we're getting off topic. We really should let Princess Twilight know about this."
"Um..." All eyes turned to Fluttershy. "I mean, it'd be a shame to cancel the parade when our instruments are all here."
"You sure?" said Rainbow Dash. "Not too nervous?"
Fluttershy shook her head. "I mean, if you're all okay with it. And if Applejack didn't damage the float too much."
Applejack waved it off. "Nah, I just dented the bumper a touch. Whaddaya say, Rarity? A little more time won't hurt."
"You just broke a million followers on TackNotice!" Pinkie cried.
"A million..." Rarity cleared her throat. A lady did not let her jaw drop, after all. She gave a composed smile as she walked to her keytar. "Oh, very well. One or two songs. Perhaps Vignette will learn something in Equestria."
"Oof!" Vignette tumbled to a halt, then staggered onto her feet. "Ugh, Rude. That does it, I am turning that girl into the next Space Wars Kid!"
She then realized several things in quick succession:
She was on a grassy hill rather than her float in her parade.
There was no sign of her phone.
She was alone.
Aside from her headband, she was naked, so the alone thing wasn't quite so bad.
She had gotten to twice as many feet as usual, and also hooves were involved?
THERE WAS NO SIGN OF HER PHONE.
Thankfully, her window to the world sat at the foot of the hill, and the purple stuff wafting out of it didn't seem to be a sign of any actual damage... though she soon found that while her weird lump limbs could wake her phone up, they couldn't actually unlock it, and came dangerously close to scratching the screen. Worst of all, the two most dreaded words hung in the top left corner.
No Signal
"No no no no no! I already hadn't looked at my feeds for twenty whole minutes because of concert prep! How am I supposed to let everyone know how lame that girl is now?"
After a moment, Vignette added, "Also, where-slash-what tee eff am I?" She looked around the sunny, rolling hills—wasn't it just past sunset?—and saw a hint of glimmering purple crystal on the horizon. "Oh hey, that one super-gaudy gift shop I could never get them to tear down! Perfect!" She set off with the ease of motion that came from a workout routine designed to keep her in perfect sexy selfie shape. Minor things like complete bodily transformation didn't even register when there were much more pressing concerns.
The gift shop wasn't quite how Vignette remembered it. For one, there was a building next to it that looked like it belonged more in the Witchery World of Harriet Pinto than Equestria Land. For another, there was a marked lack of humans. Plenty of other... things, but no people, assuming those were all animatronics and not enough mascot costumes for a furry convention. Still, odds were someone was here and knew who she was. From there it would just be a matter of getting online and writing...
Vignette looked down at her thumbless, stubby limbs. Okay, dictating a chirp, a MyStable status update, and a couple other things. The bare essentials. Ugh, she'd need to change literally all her passwords once this got sorted out.
"Excuse me?" Vignette blinked and looked up. A vaguely familiar sounding purple thing hovered above her, looking down with concern. "Can I help you? You seem to be lost." The purple thing's horn glowed for a moment. "And also emitting polarized resons consistent with a dimensional shift."
"Yeah, whatevs, could I get your Wi-Fi password real quick?" Vignette waved her phone in her hoof. She wasn't sure how she was holding it and had already decided she didn't care. "Just need to let everyone know what's up with the double-V."
"Oh. Oh dear." The purple thing—kind of sounded like that Twinkle Sprinkle girl, actually—landed next to her, looking worried. "About that..."
"Look, you can totes change it afterwards. En bee dee, am I right?"
Purple thing gave her a blank stare for a bit before saying "I'm afraid we don't have any Internet access."
"Ugh, really?" Vignette rolled her eyes. "Fine, I guess I can borrow, like, a PC or something. Yeesh, it's like I'm in the Dark Ages or something."
Purple thing shook her head. "No, I mean we have no Internet access."
Vignette was silent for a few moments. One of her eyelids started to twitch. In the back of her mind, there was a sense of something being stretched just shy of the point of snapping. "What?"
"This universe doesn't have an Internet."
Vignette Valencia threw her head back and screamed to the heavens.
For Princess Twilight Sparkle, it was strangely nostalgic.
The next day, Sunset sat opposite Princess Twilight in Namepending Castle's kitchen, each with a cup of tea resting on the counter. "And then what happened?"
"Her phone's battery died, and she fainted. And judging by the data I've collected since, there's a correlation between the two."
"Really?"
Twilight looked away, chewing on her lower lip. "Well, I can't exactly bring her to Ponyville General without some very awkward questions, so I took the opportunity to run some tests. Not like we've had a chance to examine humans in Equestria before. Vignette..." She hummed to herself. "Are you familiar with the Homebody Phenomenon?"
Sunset shook her head,. "Can't say I am."
"It's a fascinating property of earth pony magic. As much as ponies adapt their environments to themselves, the Homebody Phenomenon also adjusts their bodies and magic during their formative years to adapt to their environment. Earth ponies in the Hayseed Swamps have vastly more efficient immune systems and little in the way of growth magic. Rock farmers have absurd strength and magic that more resembles dragons than ponies in some respects. And Pinkie..." Twilight trailed off as she sought a way to complete that sentence.
"Is Pinkie," said Sunset.
Twilight nodded. "Precisely."
"What about you?"
Twilight shrugged her wings. "Given how alicorns age, I'm pretty sure I'm still in my formative years. I haven't seen any signs of the Phenomenon one way or another, though I haven't exactly been focusing on my earth pony magic in general."
Spike stuck his head into the kitchen. "Hey Twilight! One of those tingly, spiky amethysts sprouted in the backyard!"
She smiled. "All yours, Spike!" Twilight looked back at Sunset to see her furrow her brow. "What? I'm pretty sure they're my castle's equivalent of weeds."
Sunset cleared her throat. "Yeah, probably. Getting back on track, I take it Vignette shows some new variation on the Phenomenon?"
Twilight nodded. "Her adaptations are wholly unprecedented. Take a look." Her magic laid out purple sheets of paper on the counter, lines of white standing out against a dim equine outline. She traced some of the lines with a hooftip. "See how the mana pathways in her thaumocirculatory system keep bending at hard right angles? That doesn't happen in nature outside of crystal formation."
"They look like circuit boards," said Sunset. "You're telling Vignette's adapted to the Internet?"
"It certainly seems that way. Plus, she's radiating magic to an insane degree for an earth pony. It seems to respond to high-frequency radio waves, but I don't have the equipment to process whatever information it's sending."
Sunset felt her jaw drop. "She's a wireless hotspot?"
Twilight shrugged her wings. "Um, possibly? You'd know better than I would. She's certainly giving off a lot of radiation. I had to put her on a geoæther drip."
"Wait, she went into magical exhaustion? I didn't think that was even possible for earth ponies."
"Until a few years ago, neither did anypony else."
Sunset sighed. "Applejack?"
"Applejack," Twilight said with a nod. "Though Pinkie's crashed a few times since."
"So you're saying Vignette literally can't live without the Internet."
"So it seems." Twilight sighed. "I wish I could study her for longer. We're getting a glimpse into the future evolution of equinity! But even without the awkward questions on your side of the portal, the long-term health effects of her staying in this world could be devastating for her."
"Well, the other Twilight may be able to whip up some kind of life support router or something for her, but—"
Squeaking wheels interrupted the mares. They turned to the kitchen entrance, where a sunken-cheeked Vignette leaned against the kitchen doorway, her IV stand trailing behind her. The bloodshot eyes of an addict without her fix stared into them. "I can smell the Wi-Fi. Get me home."
Twilight's jaw dropped. "Uh..."
"Hold on," Sunset said, holding up a hoof. "Do you understand why this happened?"
"Sunset, she's suffering here."
"I don't want to have to deal with the same thing in a month because someone didn't learn anything from this."
"I learned that a lack of social media presence doesn't mean someone doesn't matter." Vignette rubbed her jaw. "They definitely matter if they want to."
Sunset narrowed her gaze. "Any friendship lessons?"
"Friends? I don't have friends, I have followers." Vignette blinked and sagged. "Wow. That's actually really sad when I say it out loud."
"My friends and I can help you connect with people in real life. Provided you recognize that they are people and not just mobile scenery for you to tweak into the perfect selfie background."
"En pee there. Mobile scenery doesn't literally punch you into the Stone Age."
Twilight snorted. "We do have factories, you know."
"You don't have Blackear. Or thumbs." Vignette turned to Sunset. "That good enough for you?"
That got a wary nod. "For now. Applejack may be checking on you later."
Vignette flinched. "Okay. Point made. Now let's get out of this place." She glanced at the IV stand. "Do I need to leave the needle in? I've seen enough horror stories on Reddis to know not to just pull the needle out."
"I'll take care of that," Twilight said, getting to work as she did so. "You should be able to make it to the portal on your own. Though there is the matter of confidentiality."
"Puh-leeze, why would anyone want to know? Magique or no, I never want to see this place again."
Twilight turned to Sunset. "And please tell Applejack not to banish any more people here. Especially not with her fists."
Sunset rolled her eyes. "As long as you tell Star Swirl the same thing. I still want to give him a piece of my mind about the sirens."
"Right, no banishing from either end."
A cry came from the castle halls. "Horseland! Glorious, magical Horseland! Trixie has waited so long for this day!"
Twilight and Sunset both winced. "Escorting people back through the portal doesn't count, right?" said Sunset.
"Definitely not. You take Vignette. I have a Trixie to wrangle."
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I was trying to both smile and scowl simultaneously while reading this, because there were definitely bits that fell squarely into the "Wish I'd thought of that" bucket.
Super happy to see more Vignette, though, especially if it's wrapped up with a neat little bow of Applejack being a bit of a bitch
This is uber awesome! We get a look-see into how Earth Pony magic works, a potential taste of future variations of such, AND Vignette gets the punch she so righteously needed
That was pretty fun :) well done!
This was pretty enjoyable :)
I laughed harder than I should have.
Magnifique as always. I can't tell if Applejack's megaton punch is more reminiscent of Saitama or Goku, but I LOVE IT.
One question though: did Vignette develop earth pony magic as a result of her phone getting infected, or was her magical internet dependency solely a property of her pony form? Or does every human have magic regardless?
Huh. If human Applejack can punch someone into an alternate dimension does that mean there might be apples that got the same treatment when pony Applejack was still learning proper bucking control?
Huh, I didn't expect that method of travelling between universes, but it sure is cool!
I guess the magic circuits are partially due to having her magic smartphone, and also the Earth Pony transformation...
Wonder if there's a Pony!Vignette Valencia... Hmm...
----
Also, interesting how Vignette sums up what she's learned through this experience!
While I haven't had the opportunity to see the special with Princess Clickbait, this should prove a treat.
The story was great, but what is Vignette's cutie mark in the cover image?
Nice cover art. I'm not surprised you made Vignette an earth pony given how earth magic operates in the Oversaturated world (even though this story seems like it's not part of that continuity).
If anyone in EG could punch someone into another plane of existence, it'd be Applejack. And I laughed out loud when no one cared that Vignette was gone. I suppose that in and of itself might get Vignette to realize that she needs to change her ways.
I really like the idea of Net Ponies.
This was both wonderfully karmic (I grinned so much to see Vignette get punched through dimensions) and also quite intelligent too. I really like the idea about Vignette as a pony; the idea of this kind of specialization of earth pony magic makes a lot of sense... even if it may not fully explain Pinkie ;-)
Btw, I couldn't help but think of the Munchkins celebrating when the employees of Equestria Land cheered.
With the snap of her fingers...I mean, with the single punch of her fist, Vignette's world fades away...too bad she's too worried about her followers to realize--hey! I'm in a magical world filled with magical ponies, and can pretty much do anything that's not possible for me in the real world! Siiigh, this reminds me of some of my friends. I fear for us
Great work, enjoyed that!
9200519
Yeah, that can be a frustrating bucket to encounter. I've been on the other end of this experience often enough to know that. You're welcome/I'm sorry.
And if any manner of bitchiness can be called justified, I'd say bitchiness towards Vignette qualifies.
9200682
My goal with most of my stories.
9200694
Either example of the great punchers of fiction works. Personally, I think was leaning somewhere between Goku and Captain Falcon.
All humans have at least a trace amount of magic, even on Pedestria. It's just not usually enough to do anything practical. (Some have much more than a trace, even when discounting foreign horse magic.
) They have much more magic in Equestria as a consequence of their new bodies. Valencia's personal magical affinity was influenced by forces not yet present in Equestria, resulting in a dependency that it could not yet fulfill.
9200748
Probably. Let's just hope there aren't any eldritch horrors out there capable of tracing the source of their unexpected servings of applesauce...
9200863
Heh. "Magic circuits." I didn't mean for this to be a Fate series crossover, but there we are.
I doubt Vignette has a pony analogue. If she does, the mare would probably be unrecognizable to those who only know the woman.
9200879
The whole thing's on Hasbro's YouTube channel if you're interested. It's pretty good, especially if you like Rarijack fluff.
9200957
Not sure myself. "Earth pony Vignette" isn't exactly a large part of the corpus of pony fanart, so I worked with what I had available.
9201018
It's not associated with the Oversaturated World, but as Namepending Castle demonstrates, some concepts have a tendency to bleed between my stories.
And yeah, Vignette's in for a pretty rude awakening. #vignetterrible will be trending by the time she's able to check on all of her accounts. (Or something like it. I never claimed to be a master of coining hashtags.)
9201090
)
I have you to thank for the initial inspiration. I derived the Homebody Phenomenon from your musings on Rock Ponies. (In fact, I should really provide a few more links in the author's note. Sorry about that.
9201135
I'm not sure if anything can fully explain Pinkie Pie.
And yes, there was definitely something of the Lollipop Guild in the former underlings' celebration.
9201401
At least Vignette had the excuse not being able to remain both unplugged and conscious for very long. But yeah, I'm not sure how well I'd be able to handle being stranded in a pre-digital society myself.
9200694
I was thinking more along the lines of Arc Gurren Lagann, because of the hole in existence.
9201530
Reinvent MTG, profit? That's what I'd do.
9201499
Let's hope. But there's also the possibility that Applejack is unknowingly seeding the multiverse with the idea of apples, that some recipients of her favors have taken to worshiping her as the fruitmother, and that transdimensional apples sometimes inspire those around them to gain greater insight into the physical nature of the cosmos.
Vignette definitely did some stuff in her episode which wasn't nice, like how openly she banished others to who-knows-where, or pushed around those who worked for her.
But spending lots of time on her phone? Preferring online to real life? That seems a weird thing to hate someone for, especially in an online community.
So I think she was the most reasonable character in the story, and having Applejack use her fists just made me think even less of her. If Vignette would rather have followers than friends, isn't that her decision? The thought of anyone having to adhere to living the way Applejack wants them to is enough to make me shudder. Especially when the implied threat is more violence as an alternative.
That said, the walking wi-fi hotspot was a good image, as was the internalised circuit boards. The internal narration was on point, and I liked the idea of her assuming Twilight's castle was the Equestria Land gift shop.
9202611
As you noted, it would be horribly hypocritical of me to condemn someone for favoring the Internet to real life, and that wasn't my intent. I condemn Vignette for failing to recognize that other people have value or needs beyond increasing her follower count and obeying her every whim. Having some sense literally beaten into her was intended more as absurd physical comedy (and, to a minor degree, authorial catharsis) than coercion through pain. And I'm definitely not saying that Applejack's way of life is or should be for everyone.
That said, I can see how you came to those conclusions... though I have to question the reasonableness of a woman whose reaction to encountering a magical kingdom of mythical creatures and complete bodily transformation is "I need to get online as quickly as possible to defame someone."
9202912 Thanks, I pretty much agree. With others having value or needs, I'd say it depends on what those others are expecting - from everything we hear of SnapGab, it's quite likely each of the three million followers is just as preoccupied with narcissism as her. Also there's nothing in the episode to say Vignette wasn't always like that, or has ever pretended otherwise, so I'd say she's mostly delivering on what they followed her for.
I think the punch itself came across as absurd physical comedy, that was ok (though still didn't really do Applejack any favours). But the follow-up mentions when talking with Sunset gave it more of an abusive feel.
9201499
Ah, I was actually talking about her being a bitch to Twilight, what with her solution to Vignette being a hassle involving making her someone else's problem. Seemed awfully inconsiderate of her, really, which was nice
9201530
True. Aaaaand a little guilty on my part as well, admittedly
9201664
No, that's more like ripping a hole in time and space to punch someone, rather than punching someone so hard you rip a hole in time and space. Subtle distinction, though awesome either way.
Will admit though, that came to my mind too.
Thank you for writing this. Made me happy.
I think the saying goes: 'Computers are rocks that we've tricked into thinking with lightning.'
So would future earth ponies be the most tech savvy? What are circuits if not inlays in metal? I think Kris played around with this idea in Changeling Space Program :)
I did giggle at Valencia's totally inappropriate concerns and the wail that provoked deja vu in sympathetic Twilight.
Applejack's method of world transition was amusing too. If any would pull the renegade trigger it would be no-nonsense Jackie.
I did note one moment of awkwardness:
I think it is missing a line of her floundering around and searching in-between the internal thought and the 'thankfully'
In anycase, best of luck with the judging. Hope you win first plac- Oh...wait.
...
Well best of luck with the judging
Maybe I'm just unreasonably hostile towards the selfie culture, but her means of banishment was intensely cathartic.
Personally I prefer Vignette being a comically vapid designated monkey that no one can stand
Really interesting, and the Homebody Effect is great. I hadn't seen that blog before, I really like it.
The future of equinity is right. Internet Ponies, and eventually even Space Ponies adapted for microgravity and vacuum resistance. They can also hibernate. Ponies really have much less need for traditional transequinism through cybernetics and genetic engineering, since their magic does it automatically. Earth Ponies especially.
Though now I'm imagining pegasus variants of the same, their magic adapted for interfacing with and enhancing planes and spacecraft and breathing crazy atmospheres. If anyone could colonize a gas giant... And if you wondered how starfighters etc would have such physics defying motion, well here it is.
I wonder if Pegasi are/will be more likely to be math prodigies, even more than unicorns, because it's such a vital skill for navigation.
9689563
The trick is getting pegasi to perform those sorts of calculations consciously. Accurately predicting the trajectory of a projectile requires an understanding of kinematics, fluid dynamics, and calculus, but that doesn't keep six-year-olds from catching frisbees.
Though practical applications may provide a shortcut. Who knows? Rainbow Dash might be able to plot starship trajectories in her sleep.
9689571
Good point, Dash does her best work unconsciously.
Meanwhile, I came up with two separate ways to get the Quarians from Mass Effect using the Homebody Effect.
First, Meteor Ponies. Their magic is focused almost entirely on protecting them from vacuum, radiation, and similar hazards of space. Given the wide and varied nature of the threats, there's a lot of warding needed. Since there's only so much magic to go around their immune system isn't buffered, and magic is so integral to pony biology that it often collapses entirely. The genetic repair magic works on viruses at least, but bacteria and such they're out of luck.
Second, it's not hard to imagine an Earth Pony variant whose magic turns to symbiosis instead. This is pretty much like the original Quarians. The Quarian's problem is their bodies are designed to be symbiotic with the native bacteria and, with non-native bugs, trying to assimilate them has bad results. Similarly, 'algal ponies' or 'mote ponies' (don't call them Scum Ponies if you value your life) have their growth magic focused on the microscopic. You can see the ways this can go wrong outside of their original context.
Youtube would be much more interesting if this was a thing...
Damn!
And also something she wouldn't want.