this certainly looks promising. will read it when i get the chance

Good stuff!

9116888
Thank you. Wanted to do something different for a change, not just the normal clop crap you see every day. So, I added in the sensual stuff, and the lizard anatomy, along with focusing on the characters and their emotions inside of them saying: "Hey, let's rut like rabbits!"

9116893
And that is how you do a good clop story. Its not just the sex but it is also about emotions and the interactions between the characters that makes it magical. Keep up the good work!

This is pretty good.
Into both relevant favorite folders it goes.

Great story hope there is a sequel

Good build, bit of a quick climax (pun intended).

9116941
I'm the first to admit, I know absolutely nothing about sex being a virgin myself so... yeah. Besides, I reiterate, this wasn't focused on the sex itself, more on the emotions of the characters and how they felt.

9116943
Well, then you definitely did well on what you set out to do!

Lemon needs to be much longer and there needs to be a sequel.

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I was being, to be quite frank realistic here. At that age, guys like Spike would have a lot of energy, but they'd cum pretty damn quickly. So, they'd be able to go a few rounds but they wouldn't last very long before climaxing.

When I saw the title I have to admit I thought, “Why would somebody make a Drake in Equestria fanfic?” I apologize

This is too good to not get a sequel.

no no no no no not again!
Well I didn't mean to be 1st I just like carts
doesn't hurt to be second, I just like sex
. . .
well?
MINE!

Watching the intro I thought Ember was into bugs....cute colorful bugs . Oh well I don't do anything anyways

Well done man. Came out great.

Never thought about the fact Discord would likely make Fluttershy unapproachable to stallions. Make's sense though. Considering he was willing to throw Tree Huger into another dimension for spending time her her.

Damn you! You set us up with a copout... But this was a great read. I'll let it slide for now...

Arrives at authors note

Your story is tagged with “porn” even though there’s only five paragraphs of actual sex, what happened?

Don’t get me wrong, buildup is good, encouraged even—but that ending is super anticlimactic in my opinion.

Spike is 18 or older in this story. Sorry foalcon lovers

[/cries internally]

9116893
You focused so much on everything except the clop this might as well have been a T rated story.

9116943
this is rather a stupid argument. Detective/horror wrirets dont go out to kill a bunch of people before wriring their stories, as far as I know. You are a writer, not a porn star. Your main weapon is books, not real experiences.

9117834
That is quite true, but let's be frank, real-world experience would help quite a bit in certain cases. Say you're a prison guard or a military man. And you want to write a story about such a pony and their daily job. Would it not help to have actual experience on the topic at hand instead of just reading about it from a book?

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That's actually the thing. Rescue Sunstreak? He was the one who gave me all the tips on how to write this story in the first place, and to read things like Lady Chatterley's Lover.

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9117541
I want to point something you, especially to you 9117711 (I don't like to delete comments, I really don't, but half of yours were so rude that I felt it warranted.)

This story was never about two characters rutting just because. Not in the slightest. Now, I've already gone on a tangent about this and I'm very willing to acknowledge flaws and yeah Jack, I do admit the sex scene could have been drawn out a Hell of a lot more than it already was, but I was going by the advice of Rescue Sunstreak, who said that at that age, while Spike would have had the energy to go a few rounds, they wouldn't have lasted very long before they climaxed. Plus, someone finding out Spike was a virgin, they would have been quite sweet and caring about this, more complimentary and willing to take things slowly instead of just rutting someone till the cows came home.

Personally, I think you expected too much, (And I honestly hate to sound rude) espically out of someone who's only written one clop scene before this, and that was pretty damn short as well.

9117846
any experience would help. Being a psycho who has the experience of killing people and knows what they feel before dying would help a lot. But that doesnt mean you cant write a good story without it.
Also experience is overating. Normal life often sucks and is boring. Few people want to read about it as it actually is.

It was a great read up until she caught him in his bedroom with his lead pipe: it didn't seem like they were having a real conversation after that; it seemed like you just threw together the bare bones idea of what was "supposed" to happen... Like I could have easily seen her telling him the things the other male dragons do openly in public, which would calm him down, but no be completely open, as he was still raised by ponies, and then them talking about their struggles and BONDING with each other, leading her to complement his size (or something like that) and using that as an opertunity to become intimate with him...

And one more thing, being a virgin doesn't mean jack: I'm STILL a virgin and look at what I wrote!

9117879
I'm sorry if I hurted your feelings. I know it was meant for the other guy, but I do feel guilty.

9117909
No, it's fine. You were perfectly fair in your comments, as was Jack and Curify. The Silent Majority, along with the people who enjoy this story for what it is (Even if a nagging part of my brain only says they only enjoy it for it being a Spember clopfic) namely something just sweet and sensual are the ones I really appreciate honestly.

9117915
Okay, but still I just I let ya know, in case I sounded like an ass.

9117541
Yeah, I've just removed the porn tag. You do have a point there. But I reiterate:

I was being, to be quite frank realistic here. At that age, guys like Spike would have a lot of energy, but they'd cum pretty damn quickly. So, they'd be able to go a few rounds but they wouldn't last very long before climaxing.

This started a nice story and ended as a bad porno. Which one were you going for?

As a story it has a lot of things going for it, yet as a porno (or erotica as pornographic literature is often called) it's short, blunt and climaxes (pardon the pun) so fast I barely noticed what was happening. The "show not tell" thing reared its ugly head almost the moment the "sexing" started.

As for the story elements... it was a sweet and comedic one, if really short.

So again: Is this meant to be a comedic if somewhat realistic story, with some lemon, or an erotica with a plot? Cause as far as my singular and subjective opinion goes, it failed at both.

Edit: After reading through some of the comments, I have to point out that the sex itself can be short (story wise) yet the reading of it can be sensual and satisfying. Keeping things real while giving the reader a proper experience, if you will.

And, as someone else pointed out, how Ember interacted with Spike was very mechanical; it felt fake, like it included what was "supposed" to happen, then just skipped/deleted the actual good parts. Is it about Ember and Spike bonding or having sex? Both can be a "story", both can happen and both can be expanded upon but, in this case it's just not working out.

9117930
Then write about it, my good man. You could have drawn that out for another scene, probably could’ve made it real sweet if you tried.

“S-sorry,” Spike muttered, his face flushed. “I’m not really used to doing this.”

Ember chuckled. “We’ll work on it. Besides, I think you’ve got a few more round in you. Don’t you?”

“Heh. You bet.”

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Okay, I feel the need to explain something here. And I mean really explain something. Listen, when I go into romance stories, I don't read them for the sex, hardly. If it's done well, I see it as a bonus, but again, I hardly read for the sex as more often than not it just feels forced into the story for two characters to say... "Hey, let's bang!" No, I was not going for that here. I was going for something with feeling, something which a lot of you seemed to have missed. I was going after that feeling of being embraced by joy and the like, to paraphrase someone who favorited this story. (One Crescent Glaive.) I'm going for the flurry of emotions, and the passion behind the sex, not the act itself.

If it's just emotionless rutting, there's no satisfaction whatsoever. And again, I reiterate, Spike would not be able to go for hours at a time, nor would he be able to even go for more than say... three rounds or so. Passion, now that's what draws me to a romance story, and that's what I was going for here. If you didn't feel that, I'm sorry, and you can go about your day.

9117879

I don't think anyone implied it was meant to be rutting about 'just because', people seemed to have loved the build-up, and Curify honestly lays out the points that I feel, as an avid reader and former writer, are very good advice. They even did so without coming off as demanding, pretentious, or flame-y, so that was pretty darn decent if I say so myself.

You remain a very good writer, so this is no black mark, and much of the romantic goodness was just that - good. But the climax also needs appropriate attention to the la petite mort. All in all, definitely worth the read. I feel (and I'm not helping here) that the criticism might be overwhelming because it's just the volume of people weighing in, even though most seem to be behaving themselves. Please try not to feel attacked, you're doing well.

People do tend to get more vocal over stories they've formed some level of emotional involvement in, so eliciting any kind of strong reaction shows you've definitely got the touch to drag people into the story and make them care about it. I want to say good job sincerely without sounding patronizing, so there's that.

This is a masterpiece... The tag is barely relevant... Don't care... Too good to not like... If you dislike, you're a moron...

9117993
My remarks were meant to be light-hearted. I enjoyed reading your story. I’m sorry that the comments have gone the way they have.

(Should note, Spike is 18 or older in this story. Sorry foalcon lovers. )

Why on EARTH are you apologizing to PAEDOPHILES?!?!

9118228
I'm not. I'm trolling them. smirks

I don't know folks issue's about this story. I find it very very realistic and I normally hate Clop. To much of it and really not needed. So you did it right to not go into the hyperactive and as someone who had sex as an 18 years old and very fit it's very tiring and when you're young it is hard to keep yourself from doing that..

Now to the folks that think this story is bad because it didn't go on longer. Think of the romance think of the fact that just going oh hey we just met lets sleep together. Those type aren't needed all the time don't you think. Wouldn't stories like this be better with a little more variety? Instead of always crazyness?

9118224
Thank you. It's the people who enjoy this story for what it is, a sensual (I need to find a few new words) story that plays with the emotions with just a spice of sex that are the ones that I really love to talk to, not the nitpickers who say I should have given this story rough dirty sex, or had Spike's scene with Ember longer. No, if I did that, and edited this story I'd be admitting defeat and saying you guys were right and I was wrong for doing what I wanted to do.

Why did you ended here just as it was getting good?

9118580
Points to to this comment:

This story was never about two characters rutting just because. Not in the slightest. Now, I've already gone on a tangent about this and I'm very willing to acknowledge flaws and yeah Jack, I do admit the sex scene could have been drawn out a Hell of a lot more than it already was, but I was going by the advice of Rescue Sunstreak, who said that at that age, while Spike would have had the energy to go a few rounds, they wouldn't have lasted very long before they climaxed. Plus, someone finding out Spike was a virgin, they would have been quite sweet and caring about this, more complimentary and willing to take things slowly instead of just rutting someone till the cows came home.

Personally, I think you expected too much, (And I honestly hate to sound rude) especially out of someone who's only written one clop scene before this, and that was pretty damn short as well.

My biggest issue with the story is how it kind of skews the timeline when it tries to fit into canon. In the early part, there's reference to finding a shield, and using it for lava surfing, which refers to Flash Magnus's shield, and sets the event to occur before Shadow Play. However, most of the set-up places it clearly after the movie and during the season premier, when Twilight came up with the idea for the magic school. Then there's the fact that Spike has his wings, which happened after the school had been founded, and that Tempest has been living there a while, which indicates more time has passed.

It is admittedly a small detail for the most part, but enough that it sticks in my mind irritably.

9118660

My biggest issue with the story is how it kind of skews the timeline when it tries to fit into canon. In the early part, there's reference to finding a shield, and using it for lava surfing, which refers to Flash Magnus's shield, and sets the event to occur before Shadow Play

Could be another Royal Legion shield for all we know. Though I do admit, I should have thought of that. As for Spike's wings, they could have popped up earlier than in canon. It's really just a left over from the original idea, where Ember wanted to rut him senseless now that he's reached full maturity with the wings being a sign of this. I'll mark this AU to be safe.

9117993
The point I meant to make (but probably failed at) is that regardless of intent I felt that it fell short. To REALLY cut it down to size, it's a short comedy story with some lemon. And I have to emphasise "short", as in, unsatisfactory. Doesn't matter if it's for the story or for the lemon, the actual sex could have been made with emotion, giving the reader an actual experience, one that wouldn't have to be about the erotica, but the actual interaction between the characters.

The build up makes it seem as if either Ember or Spike was going to get some grand revelation about romance, or, it's going to have a taste of comedy all the way through, even the actual "encounter", which wouldn't even needed the actual "sex" if it was done good. A talk, the beginning, then just scene shift until after, with some more talk and cuddling.

So. It's not about if the actual "lemon" was good, it's about what impact it has on the story. And imo, it could have done without it. In fact, with the style of writing you seem to have, it would have been best to build around it without actually including it. That, or you need some serious practice writing emotional erotica, which doesn't even have to be "fap-material", but actual character development and similar stuff.

Erotica can be written with realism in mind and/or it can be written for pure fap-factor. If it's not engaging, if it doesn't "show" the reader rather than just "tell" it gets boring/feels pointless.

As for everything else, it seemed fine to me, if slightly "mechanical". Good, but not great. If I had an actual education into literature and the English language, I could point out exactly what fell short and give proper examples and tips, so take the entire comment with a grain of salt.

Well, I certainly enjoyed the culture clash aspects of this story. It was quite interesting to see the different ways of thinking. It was also nice to have all the buildup that you had to give context to the intimate scenes.

But, frankly, you really buggered up the intimacy by having it be so short. The story's description and the tags make this seem like a clopfic. Especially with the jab at people who enjoy foalcon. You heavily imply that sex is going to be a part of the story and then don't deliver on that. You could have had things fade to black before they got down to the dirty and then you wouldn't need the sex tag. That whole part feels like it was tacked on just so you could tag it as sex and make it seem like a clopfic when you say that is not what it was meant to be.

You say maybe people were expecting too much, but you set that expectation when you say that she's lusting after him and he's a virgin and write "So, Ember lets her thoughts drift for a moment and an idea comes to mind to solve both of their problems..." Of course people are going to expect the two of them to bang. It's pretty silly to then defend yourself by saying it was never meant to be about that when the description heavily implies it so much. To be honest, it almost feels like you added the little bit of sex at the end just so you could use the sex tag and get people to click it. In other words, clickbait. That is how this story leaves me feeling, whether that was your intent or not.

Love this story