• Member Since 16th Mar, 2012
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Young, Clueless, a dragon with hunger for a hoard of knowledge but my hoard is to be spread with friends, families and more.

Comments ( 230 )

I'm getting a Deadpool-ish kind of vibe from that summary. You have my attention.

Sorta but no 4th wall breaking, no healing factors or super powers and with a heavy heart, no chimichangas. :fluttercry:

Honestly this seems like more of a Doomsday type of situation.

How so? Like the end is coming thing? To be honest, I'm not even sure as my commissioner didn't reveal everything yet. 🤷

Pretty sure they meant in the DC Villain sense. Doomsday is a creature whose backstory is relatively dark, but basically made it so he is immortal in that if he dies, he revives completely immune to how he died. His "immunity to being killed by" list eventually got so large in one comic series that the only way Superman could defeat him was to banish him to the end of time.

Dc sense... no... I know doomsday... and yes and no... I'm not sure yet...

“Assassins!” She hissed. Even though he knew of them, he still shivered, only because his mother was a lot more scarier than any other creature in Equestria when she is pissed. “They poisoned your drinks. Mine too. Had I drunk it first, it would have been merely agony for hours but it would have faded. They used strong concoctions. But to poison a sixteen-year-old dragon, my son nonetheless!”

the "a lot more scarier" should just be "a lot scarier", as adjective usage is either "more [adjective]" or "[adjective]er" depending on the adjective in question, in the instance of scary, it's scarier. Also unless Spike had multiple drinks, it should just be "They poisoned your drink." instead of "They poisoned your drinks" further down in that paragraph as Celestia goes on to establish that her drink was also poisoned. Having said that though love the chapter, love the premise. Keep up the good work and I hope to see chapter 2 soon

Well, I'm following this now. Also congrats on Being featured.

YUP! keeping track of this so keep it up :D

Dark comedy with sex? Sign me up!

When I first looked at the cover art, I thought it was the Death of Mice from Discworld.


Yes yes I realized what I was looking at on the second look but discworld came to mind first.

Cover art until I commission an artist.

It was multiple drinks... over time which is how his immune system failed. Just not noticed or seen

However, there was a distinct after taste, he guessed it was the remedy she had swallowed, though it didn’t delude the milk taste. Not to strong but blended nicely with the sweetness that rushed into his mouth.

"aftertaste" is one word
Should be dilute, not delude. To delude is to deceive, but to dilute is to spread out and make lesser, to lessen the presence of.

A drake growing day by day, has little control what his body will say. A little hatchling, you still are, but your adolescents is not too far.”

Should be adolescence. Adolescents is the plural form of adolescent, essentially meaning a person who is going through adolescence.

Still, he warranted some cation and hoped not to go to fast. He began to remove the blanket above him, using his feet and tail to pull it down, all the way to the bottom where only his grey shorts with a pitched ‘tent’ was seen.

caution, not cation. A cation is a positively charged ion.
too, not to.

He was already at full mass and she seemed pleased at least, at the size. It was true, he was still young but maybe in the future he would grow and it would get bigger.

mast, not mass. Unless someone's bleeding or has been cut or had part of their body removed, they're already at full mass. Though, I suppose, if you want, this one isn't technically incorrect as there isn't exactly a correct way of saying it without being completely blunt, unlike with the other examples. It's just more common for people to say "mast" there.

Not needing to be told twice, he latched on to her nipple, this time taking the other one to begin draining it. Meanwhile, Zecora removed pulled down his underwear and manage to get hold of his hot cock. The sensation was better without the fabric in the way and he moaned through her breast.

"onto" is one word
One of those two words is unnecessary. One of them needs to be deleted, but the sentence would be grammatically correct with either of them, as long as there's only one of them, so you choose which.
You need to put "a" before "hold"

This is a good and interesting story, and I would certainly like to see more. Though, just a little thing, given that dragons in this are also anthro, I'd recommend changing Spike's age to 18. The reason why is because in the site rules, under "Don't Post (Content)" the ninth rule is that you can't have sexual content involving human or anthro characters under 18. I personally don't care, it's just a recommendation due to site rules.

Spike is the anthro dragon we see as Garble and other teenage dragons. In truth, you can move around that. The ponies are different.

I recommend fixing the spelling and wording errors pointed out.

Don't tell me the cover image is a Furvilla paintie. xD

Hmm...Interesting story,good luck.:scootangel:
And how much chapters are you planning?

Orange, silver, purple, month, ninth, pint, wolf, opus, dangerous, marathon and discombobulate have fun doing these words.

Orange: storage, door hinge(that's a cheat though) porridge, scavenge... need I go on? This is without using the internet.
Silver: quiver, shiver, ... words I could use in a story.
Purple: is a bitch ... as for the rest.... words less likely to use in a story, like 7/10 won't use. Still I could always look up cross languages where something native to zebracan cultrul or African cultrul could be used since she is derived from it. Please give me time to shoot your list down and prove you that rhyming easy tools for a clown. :twilightsmile:

Not sure but commissioner wanted at least 5. After that not sure.

gotcha thank you i must have just misunderstood the context of the plural as it seemed to be referring to the event that had just occurred instead of a general recap. my apologies on that one.

Rhyming is fairly easy. Rhyming in couplets, now that’s the trick.

Damn, how did I miss all of that?! :twilightoops::twilightsheepish:

Eh, we all make mistakes, and we all have flaws. To err is human.
With only 5 areas where mistakes were made left, out of nearly 6000, you did well enough. Given how few got past, I would say you're one of the better editors on this site.

For the record, this is only my second time editing anything for this site. Thanks for the compliment. :twilightsmile:

Spike is alive... just saying... Neighsay, eat lead while you wait for Celly to find you a nice room in La Hotel De Luna... The MOON Hotel!!!

Nope even the moon is too good for him. :trollestia:

It was kinda cute to see Neighsay getting so angry trying to kill Spike. Also moar!

... the sun

...’s core?

Trapped in a portrate in the middle of a multiracial village. with no method of magically breaking free.

Spike is OG in this chapter.:moustache:

Spikes to op right now just saying but he is you made him immortal within two chapters so how fun will reading be unless he's! immune to physical and mortal weaponry now then magical and darker powers can still work

Being immortal isn't op, in fact the next couple of chapters will explain that. He might not be able to fully die, but suffering is still something no one has to deal with.

Close... Very very close.

Shhh.....🗽 but less beautiful. :raritywink:

“Now my dear Spike… you will return to the mortal plane. You will wake up, as if you had a terrible dream, nothing more.” She once more reached up, this time, the cloaked claw was also revealed to be dragon scales too, brushed his face. “You are not ready to step into my realm yet. At least… not until you passed. You will see me many times in your life. I will always be there when your life seizes, and I will always watch your life as you grow and change.” A soft blow of cold air blew from her mouth and caressed his face with a cool gentle touch. “You have a bright future, one that will expand thousands of years and it will influence the world. Then, the day comes when you take you final breath, you will will join forever.” She paused, leaning in and brushed her cold scales against his cheek. A small tingle went through his spine and a second later, a small symbol, the size of bit appeared on his cheek.

To understand if a sentence makes sense with the commas, try removing the commas and what came inside the commas. For example "She once more reached up, this time brushed his face." As you can see here, you need an "and" before "this time," or you can not add the "and" and instead change "brushed" to "brushing." Also, check the inside of the commas. "The cloaked claw was also revealed to be dragon scales too" is fine aside from how the "too" at the end is made superfluous be the "was also" if it was a standalone sentence or statement, but it isn't. "and this time, the cloaked claw was also revealed to be dragon scales, brushed his face" it doesn't quite fit with the sentence. To make it fit, I suggest changing it to something like this: "and this time, with a cloaked claw also revealed to be dragon scales, brushed his face."

"you've" fits better, but it's not a necessary change.

"it" should be removed from the statement because the "one" used eight words ago is still in effect.

"Then, the" should be changed to "Then, when the"

One of these "will"s should be removed.

The shift in tense in this section of the sentence would be fine, if it were consistent. However, it isn't, and it should either be all past tense "leaned in and brushed her" or all present tense "leaning in and brushing her"

Either remove the comma between "symbol" and "the" or add a comma after "bit."

I'll probably post some more comments with errors in other places as well, but I felt the need to point out the errs in this first.

“You will die, you will live. You'll endured the trials of the world, through pain, through pleasure, agony and dismay, to bliss and valiance. You will see many die before you and move on, but you will see lifes touch your heart. I will see from here how you will be the one meant for me because I see your future.”

"endure" because "endured" is past tense.

"lives which touch"

Just "I see" because s/he already sees it.

Zecora’s antidote must’ve work, though if he was quite honest, he had no doubts on it. Especially since he fell asleep as he had the greatest climax in his life. It was a blissful way to go out. Speaking of out, he wondered if he could get out. It was no fun being in a hospital, let alone by yourself


You forgot to end the paragraph with punctuation.

“Your mother got called away while the shaman was taking a small break.” Quick and on the spot responses. That might explain how she got past the guards. Still, he wanted to know how far they would go on. “I’m here to make sure that you were well taken care of.” Ah, there it was. Added dialogue to reassure him, but wasn’t necessary.

Certain questions tended to let you know of their intensioDo you mind going to retrieve them? I wish to let them know that I am doing better.”

I personally think that it's better if it was "but it wasn't"

I think you may have accidentally deleted a portion.

4. No editor in time so im just winging it on a few sites.
I will take your edits to heart and work on them but that will be it soon.

She glanced towards the clock, off to the side wall. She didn’t know if he knew about it being there but this seemed to give a small hope in her eyes. They squinted, and a small smirk formed on her mouth.

“It’s only been two hours dear, though it seems that you are still somewhat out of it. Perhaps a remedy that may help you?”

And so he knew that is where the treat lied in. Though he was already poisoned before, he was not sure how much would be painful or pass through him. It was then that he smelt it. His nose might be a bit lagged due to the weakened body of his, but he could still smell it.

Acid. Something that stuck with him when Twilight had her experiments. He watched as she reached over a pitcher of water, left onto the table. He heard the gentle hiss of a container opening and the full smell of the acidic and bitterness filled the air. The nurse had yet to breathe in, so that let him know it was a strong dose. Problem was, he knew there might be something else more.

to give/put some

remedy may

And so he knew that that is where the threat lied in.

over to a pitcher

left on the

This one doesn't quite work because acidic is an adjective while bitterness is a noun, and given its placement, both should be nouns. Basically, this should be "acid and bitterness" though if you wanted you could just remove the "and" so it would be "acidic bitterness"

Acid was a general treat for dragons, something nopony knew of. The nurse brought over the bubbling drink and he half wondered if it would affect him in anyway.

any way

I think I'm getting a bit tired of pointing the errs out. If you want me to try actually editing this, you can contact me and I should be able to do it given a few days since there's time constraints from various other things, but for now I'll probably stop pointing them out.

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