Spike is living on the edge, bridging the world between life and death... including being watched over by 'Death' herself and experiencing her odd plans for him.
Spikes to op right now just saying but he is you made him immortal within two chapters so how fun will reading be unless he's! immune to physical and mortal weaponry now then magical and darker powers can still work
9164957 Being immortal isn't op, in fact the next couple of chapters will explain that. He might not be able to fully die, but suffering is still something no one has to deal with.
“Now my dear Spike… you will return to the mortal plane. You will wake up, as if you had a terrible dream, nothing more.” She once more reached up, this time, the cloaked claw was also revealed to be dragon scales too, brushed his face. “You are not ready to step into my realm yet. At least… not until you passed. You will see me many times in your life. I will always be there when your life seizes, and I will always watch your life as you grow and change.” A soft blow of cold air blew from her mouth and caressed his face with a cool gentle touch. “You have a bright future, one that will expand thousands of years and it will influence the world. Then, the day comes when you take you final breath, you will will join forever.” She paused, leaning in and brushed her cold scales against his cheek. A small tingle went through his spine and a second later, a small symbol, the size of bit appeared on his cheek.
To understand if a sentence makes sense with the commas, try removing the commas and what came inside the commas. For example "She once more reached up, this time brushed his face." As you can see here, you need an "and" before "this time," or you can not add the "and" and instead change "brushed" to "brushing." Also, check the inside of the commas. "The cloaked claw was also revealed to be dragon scales too" is fine aside from how the "too" at the end is made superfluous be the "was also" if it was a standalone sentence or statement, but it isn't. "and this time, the cloaked claw was also revealed to be dragon scales, brushed his face" it doesn't quite fit with the sentence. To make it fit, I suggest changing it to something like this: "and this time, with a cloaked claw also revealed to be dragon scales, brushed his face."
"you've" fits better, but it's not a necessary change.
"it" should be removed from the statement because the "one" used eight words ago is still in effect.
"Then, the" should be changed to "Then, when the"
One of these "will"s should be removed.
The shift in tense in this section of the sentence would be fine, if it were consistent. However, it isn't, and it should either be all past tense "leaned in and brushed her" or all present tense "leaning in and brushing her"
Either remove the comma between "symbol" and "the" or add a comma after "bit."
I'll probably post some more comments with errors in other places as well, but I felt the need to point out the errs in this first.
“You will die, you will live. You'll endured the trials of the world, through pain, through pleasure, agony and dismay, to bliss and valiance. You will see many die before you and move on, but you will see lifes touch your heart. I will see from here how you will be the one meant for me because I see your future.”
"endure" because "endured" is past tense.
"lives which touch"
Just "I see" because s/he already sees it.
Zecora’s antidote must’ve work, though if he was quite honest, he had no doubts on it. Especially since he fell asleep as he had the greatest climax in his life. It was a blissful way to go out. Speaking of out, he wondered if he could get out. It was no fun being in a hospital, let alone by yourself
worked
You forgot to end the paragraph with punctuation.
“Your mother got called away while the shaman was taking a small break.” Quick and on the spot responses. That might explain how she got past the guards. Still, he wanted to know how far they would go on. “I’m here to make sure that you were well taken care of.” Ah, there it was. Added dialogue to reassure him, but wasn’t necessary.
Certain questions tended to let you know of their intensioDo you mind going to retrieve them? I wish to let them know that I am doing better.”
I personally think that it's better if it was "but it wasn't"
I think you may have accidentally deleted a portion.
She glanced towards the clock, off to the side wall. She didn’t know if he knew about it being there but this seemed to give a small hope in her eyes. They squinted, and a small smirk formed on her mouth.
“It’s only been two hours dear, though it seems that you are still somewhat out of it. Perhaps a remedy that may help you?”
And so he knew that is where the treat lied in. Though he was already poisoned before, he was not sure how much would be painful or pass through him. It was then that he smelt it. His nose might be a bit lagged due to the weakened body of his, but he could still smell it.
Acid. Something that stuck with him when Twilight had her experiments. He watched as she reached over a pitcher of water, left onto the table. He heard the gentle hiss of a container opening and the full smell of the acidic and bitterness filled the air. The nurse had yet to breathe in, so that let him know it was a strong dose. Problem was, he knew there might be something else more.
to give/put some
remedy may
And so he knew that that is where the threat lied in.
over to a pitcher
left on the
This one doesn't quite work because acidic is an adjective while bitterness is a noun, and given its placement, both should be nouns. Basically, this should be "acid and bitterness" though if you wanted you could just remove the "and" so it would be "acidic bitterness"
Acid was a general treat for dragons, something nopony knew of. The nurse brought over the bubbling drink and he half wondered if it would affect him in anyway.
any way
I think I'm getting a bit tired of pointing the errs out. If you want me to try actually editing this, you can contact me and I should be able to do it given a few days since there's time constraints from various other things, but for now I'll probably stop pointing them out.
“Using your son for bait, how much more agony must he endure until its to late?” The zebra shaman growled. Once more, Celestia felt struck as if hit but she didn’t fight it. “I am only doing… what may be done to prevent anymore harm.”
Zecora, in this, appears much less like a wise-woman and much more like an easily angered asshole who willfully misinterprets things and is just allowed to get away with it.
She completely misinterprets what was said: Celestia's words, interpreted normally, show that what it is is that those guards will be very good for guarding him, but not only that, if he sticks close to them they may be able to root out the other conspirators, allowing them to reduce the threat and get this whole thing over with sooner.
Zecora interprets it as Celestia purposefully putting Spike in more danger to catch them quickly, and also prolonging this to cause more stress.
She's not wise at all. She has been shown here to have basically no understanding of anything aside from medicines. She is, for all intents and purposes, a useful idiot here.
9166276 I think its the near threat on his life, the 'being dragged out of her home' a big cause for her immediate anger. I do plan to keep her as wise as possible but for now, all i could think of was what was a way to move the train... both literally and methaphorically... quickly. My reasoning for Zecora staying there was only because of the last chapter but she will be better.
So... The whole premise of you story is to make Spike a horny Kenny (south park) is that it ? Is the "dark comedy" gonna be 'haha he died' ? Also please try to remember that spike is a dragon and can breath fire, and even teleport shit with it. The next time you have the villain doing a monologue in kissing distance of the fucker at least make an attempt.
Spike is alive... just saying... Neighsay, eat lead while you wait for Celly to find you a nice room in La Hotel De Luna... The MOON Hotel!!!
9164239
Nope even the moon is too good for him.
It was kinda cute to see Neighsay getting so angry trying to kill Spike. Also moar!
9164256
... the sun
...’s core?
8936601
derpicdn.net/img/view/2012/12/4/172492__safe_artist-colon-the+weaver_applejack_zecora_comic_greatest+internet+moments_hand_monochrome_orange_rhyme_simple+background_suddenly+hands_whi.png
Yay, new chapter
9164256
Trapped in a portrate in the middle of a multiracial village. with no method of magically breaking free.
Spike is OG in this chapter.
Spikes to op right now just saying but he is you made him immortal within two chapters so how fun will reading be unless he's! immune to physical and mortal weaponry now then magical and darker powers can still work
Great chapter.
9164957
Being immortal isn't op, in fact the next couple of chapters will explain that. He might not be able to fully die, but suffering is still something no one has to deal with.
9164389
Close... Very very close.
9165040
Ok
9165042
Statue?
9165090
Shhh.....🗽 but less beautiful.
To understand if a sentence makes sense with the commas, try removing the commas and what came inside the commas. For example "She once more reached up, this time brushed his face." As you can see here, you need an "and" before "this time," or you can not add the "and" and instead change "brushed" to "brushing." Also, check the inside of the commas. "The cloaked claw was also revealed to be dragon scales too" is fine aside from how the "too" at the end is made superfluous be the "was also" if it was a standalone sentence or statement, but it isn't. "and this time, the cloaked claw was also revealed to be dragon scales, brushed his face" it doesn't quite fit with the sentence. To make it fit, I suggest changing it to something like this: "and this time, with a cloaked claw also revealed to be dragon scales, brushed his face."
"you've" fits better, but it's not a necessary change.
"it" should be removed from the statement because the "one" used eight words ago is still in effect.
"Then, the" should be changed to "Then, when the"
One of these "will"s should be removed.
The shift in tense in this section of the sentence would be fine, if it were consistent. However, it isn't, and it should either be all past tense "leaned in and brushed her" or all present tense "leaning in and brushing her"
Either remove the comma between "symbol" and "the" or add a comma after "bit."
I'll probably post some more comments with errors in other places as well, but I felt the need to point out the errs in this first.
"endure" because "endured" is past tense.
"lives which touch"
Just "I see" because s/he already sees it.
worked
You forgot to end the paragraph with punctuation.
I personally think that it's better if it was "but it wasn't"
I think you may have accidentally deleted a portion.
9166225
4. No editor in time so im just winging it on a few sites.
I will take your edits to heart and work on them but that will be it soon.
to give/put some
remedy may
And so he knew that that is where the threat lied in.
over to a pitcher
left on the
This one doesn't quite work because acidic is an adjective while bitterness is a noun, and given its placement, both should be nouns. Basically, this should be "acid and bitterness" though if you wanted you could just remove the "and" so it would be "acidic bitterness"
any way
I think I'm getting a bit tired of pointing the errs out. If you want me to try actually editing this, you can contact me and I should be able to do it given a few days since there's time constraints from various other things, but for now I'll probably stop pointing them out.
Zecora, in this, appears much less like a wise-woman and much more like an easily angered asshole who willfully misinterprets things and is just allowed to get away with it.
She completely misinterprets what was said: Celestia's words, interpreted normally, show that what it is is that those guards will be very good for guarding him, but not only that, if he sticks close to them they may be able to root out the other conspirators, allowing them to reduce the threat and get this whole thing over with sooner.
Zecora interprets it as Celestia purposefully putting Spike in more danger to catch them quickly, and also prolonging this to cause more stress.
She's not wise at all. She has been shown here to have basically no understanding of anything aside from medicines. She is, for all intents and purposes, a useful idiot here.
9166276
I think its the near threat on his life, the 'being dragged out of her home' a big cause for her immediate anger. I do plan to keep her as wise as possible but for now, all i could think of was what was a way to move the train... both literally and methaphorically... quickly. My reasoning for Zecora staying there was only because of the last chapter but she will be better.
Do you still need an editor?
Spike... Spike... Sppppiiiikkkkeeee!
Neighsay being the villain in makes sense. Hope you die a painful death Neighsay you damn racist.
9794856
Oh I have something in mind!
Sure dying is nothing but an inconvenience to him but the pain still sucks.
And here's Dragon Waifu plus Calvary.
So... The whole premise of you story is to make Spike a horny Kenny (south park) is that it ? Is the "dark comedy" gonna be 'haha he died' ? Also please try to remember that spike is a dragon and can breath fire, and even teleport shit with it. The next time you have the villain doing a monologue in kissing distance of the fucker at least make an attempt.