• Member Since 6th Oct, 2014
  • offline last seen Monday


Don't read my stuff if you have a weak stomach or are easily bothered by traumatic genitalia damage. That's seriously all I've got in here!



This story is a sequel to You Are Sick

Sometimes it's late at night, and you can't sleep. Sometimes you just stare at the ceiling and imagine what it would be like if you weren't here anymore, how the world would be different. Sometimes it seems like the world wouldn't even be worse off without you around, and that you might be better off without it.
But those are only idle musings and thoughts. It's not like you actually wish you were dead...

Warning: Contains depression and suggestions of suicidal/self-destructive thoughts. No actual death or physical self harm takes place. Please don't read this if you're feeling depressed or suicidal, I don't think this would help.

This is a stream of consciousness from the point of view of Berry Punch from the Broken Love series. Can act as a standalone.
Please don't worry. I'm ok.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 32 )

Wow, quite a story. If I may, I would like to list what I discovered reading this quite moving story (don't worry, I'm fine, I didn't burst into tears or whatever whilst reading this).

Firstly, at this moment in time, I am receiving counselling and help in and out of college. I understand what being suicidal is like because I have been in that position since I was about 14. I am now 18, and I still question my existence on earth. But enough about me; I want to go through what you've written about.

I have nightmares when I think these thoughts and feelings, the way they bleed over into my dreams is insidious.

Nightmares about death can affect a lot of people in different ways, more concerning than others. I have nightmares of death sometimes whenever people either joke or talk about it, especially when those who I don't get on with threaten to kill me or tell me to kill myself. During this time, I tend to avoid watching films, TV shows or read books that are related to death and/or suicide, as these things aren't really helpful at that time. I also talk to my parents about it when it gets too hard.

Right now I wish I was dead.

Berry Punch, as I can see, is thinking through her head the outcome of ending whatever is troubling her, by thinking or death or suicide at this point. These thoughts can mentally affect anyone with either work, study or everyday chores. Reading this, she seems dazed and depressed, usually what I feel in the morning, so I can relate to that.

I don't want to kill myself. I don't want to die. I don't want to even hurt myself most of the time, except maybe emotionally, with horrible masochistic self-deprecating thoughts.

Now to me, this depends on the situation, time of day, what's happening or who I'm with. These thoughts can happen whenever, so there is no time schedule of when I can think of these things.

What do I even add to this world, anyway?

This is a very popular thought that comes to my head whenever depression gets a hold of me. I tend to think of this if I've done badly in class or if a teacher has a "rage-fit" at me for not understanding the task. This can be a serious problem, as I have Autism, Depression and Dyslexia. When thinking of this, I remind myself that I write fanfiction online, presenting it to people and receiving feedback. If no one was reading my content or writing both good and bad comments, then I would indeed question my existence.

God I'm so worthless. I'm so helpless without him here, and I lean on him too much. He'll never say I'm a burden, but I feel that way sometimes. But he signed up for this job, he knew what he got coming in, he knew I was sick. And he loves me.

I am a Christain, so I pray to God whenever I feel depressed or need his guidance. He is the god that I know to follow because he's the religion that has helped me through many challenges that I've faced. And God does love the world; in fact, he gave his only son to save us all. He loves each and every one of us. This is interesting; may I ask, are you a Christain as well? I won't think of you differently if you are or not, don't worry! Anyway, back to the story.

Wouldn't it be nice to be dead?

Another popular feeling I have when I'm depressed. Yes, this is a serious problem for me even today.

Is this what being suicidal is like? I don't actually know, if I'm honest. Or does everyone feel this way sometimes. I don't believe I'm suicidal right now, because I don't want to hurt myself, not really, even if yelling at myself or berating myself feels right at times. I don't want to cut open my neck or forelegs. I don't want to hang myself or jump from a high cliff. I don't want to kill myself. And I won't. But being dead does sound nice, it does have a certain ring to it. A siren's call I can't fully make out the lyrics too. It's one I won't answer or try to sing along with.

This completely depends on you personally. Everyone's different.

I hope you enjoyed reading this. Don't worry about me! Be happy. Smile and enjoy life! I enjoyed your story because it actually relates to a lot of this IRL. Thank you very much and have a nice day!

I'm not religious, nor do I particularly wish to be. You are welcome to feel differently, of course. Thanks for the thorough and well thought out response, hope you have a nice day too. Hang in there.

You made me cry this morning, Pencil.


I needed to, you know. Or maybe you don't.

Anyway, it was beautiful, your story. Thank you!

I'm at least happy she's not actually suicidal. It is understandable that Berry thinks these thoughts, as she struggles to find any meaning left to her few remaining months of life. It's all so unfortunate and tragic, and I can only hope Anon helps her find some closure before the end.

I’ll send you a message about this later.

MJP #7 · Apr 24th, 2018 · · 16 ·

suicide is funny apprernetly

go suck a dick

As depressing and sad everyone claims your BP stories are, I can’t help but love them. You’re not bringing me down by talking about these issues, you’re shedding light on the fact that sometimes we as people (or miniature multicolored talking horses) feel like this. We feel worthless and alone even when surrounded by those that love and cherish us. It’s hard, really, to fight that horrid feeling of “wouldn’t everyone be better off if I was just gone” but this story exemplifies exploring your own thoughts and feelings about “The End” and finding something to hang on to because it’s just that precious. I love these stories, they make you think. Great job, I look forward to the next.

"If you truly wish for oblivion, then offer yourself too me"

Suddenly, just like that, a great gaping maw appeared, blocking out the horizon and the skies and the very stars themselves. There was only drool, teeth and a bottomless hungering darkness.

"Enter, and know eternal peace my little morsel"

Say hello to my OC.
It eats people.
It's name is Shovoth'har.

A super strong piece of self-introspection that's extremely relatable. I love that even in the end of stories like this, you put out self help links/outreach programs to help with the issues that main characters struggle with. Having been in the same spot as berry, I know that sometimes these feelings feed into themselves, and I personally find myself seeking things like this to feel like I'm not crazy, or that my feelings are valid and not unhealthy.

So wonderful story.

In other, unrelated things... I'm always here for you. Always.

I've said this before, and I'll say it again: "There's nothing like a group of people that makes you feel so alone."

i have a feeling this entire world wont have a happy ending but i at least hope these two continue to make each other happy and excited to see every new day.

This isn't a comedy.


Me too, honestly.


My sincere thanks to everyone for reading. As I said, I know it's not the norm, but it's something I wanted to write. And I deeply appreciate you all taking a little time to read it.

And chapped too, because I didn't include him in the other post. :heart:

Robin Williams said in a movie he did "I used to think being alone was the worst thing, but it's actually being surrounded by people who make you feel alone". Your quote made me remember that.

Man, the emotion in this is so thick and so well-executed. This is a great thing to write down and a great thing to say, because--say it with me now here, folks--


Just because you show dark and depressing things, it doesn't mean that you actually feel that way. Just because you haven't done anything terrible, it doesn't mean you shouldn't understand what happens to make people think that way! I have never committed murder, but I must understand the motivation that drives people to kill each other. I have not intentionally harmed myself, but I need to understand what can drive a person to cut themselves. I show terrible things in my own stories, but it doesn't mean that I approve of that. I condemn evil in all its forms, but I need to understand how it works in the first place. And this is one of those stories that shows plainly what can go through people's minds. And for that, I applaud you, and I'm fav'ing this.


I condone evil in all its forms

Miiiight wanna fix that for clarity. :) But thanks, appreciate it.

Ooh, right, glad you caught that. Man, that's confusing, trying to tell the difference.


Whoa… this hit very close to home :pinkiesad2: And I thought, I was the only one with such… morbid thoughts.

Nice one.

I like this story.

Fear keeps me going.

I'm not suicidal, but sometimes I think the world - especially what remains of the pony fandom - would be better off without me. What keeps me going is friends and family (the ones still around), as well as everything on my bucket list such as seeing Chrysalis and Thanos's final defeats if they even get any. (Infinity War is around the corner and I hope I don't have to wait a whole nother year I don't think I can handle that)

I feel like, from reading the comments here, that a lot of people's thoughts and feelings are far more common than we think. Several people have commented on how relatable this is, and yeah, I feel the same way.

Thanks, anonpencil. I didn't want to smile today anyways. Quality stuff as always. Just hurt to read.

So thanks for that.

Whew... first paragraph and it already starts off with a suckerpunch, you hit hard and you hit fast, you know that?

Like... well, like most I can relate to this in a sense, this reminds me of peeps I know.

Good work Pencil... good work.

What a melancholic jab in the feels. Well done pencil. Thanks for creating and sharing.

This is a nice thought piece that stems from those nights when one, having grown exhausted but curious, tired but not sleepy, sits down to record and clear out their present feelings--the depletion allowing for sleep to finally overtake us.

You hit a lot of good surface beats in regards to depression. It consumes our beings, and at the very same moment, is hidden with precision from the world around us.

The absurd part? We're the ones actively hiding it for a reason beyond ourselves. It's like a seperatrtipn of worlds, and only we are aware of the fine line.

You're fanbase has said anything I could and then some. Of wanting to die, but not quite, I have the similar feeling of: "I would like to fall asleep for two years and wake up to only a second having passed."

Thank you for this story.

Please keep writing for us.

Some of this one was uncomfortably familiar.

Though I'm not supposed to, on occasion I drink port because it's dark, deep, & bittersweet like this. You have put into words the feelings I am afraid to give voice to. I also thank you for making sure that you put suicide prevention help in your afterwords. Honestly I've never cared for your comedies but Berrypunch's Broken Love is an amazing tale made all the more poignant by the fact that it must, of necessity, end. Though it talks so much of your death, particularly in this piece, it also speaks to the joy of life. For there is still time, even if only a few more years.... Thank you, from one of the dying, for doing what I could not, what I dared not... perhaps one day I'll have the courage to put more specific words to paper.

Login or register to comment