• Member Since 16th Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen 4 hours ago

AppleTank


Male. Los Angeles, California. Hmm. I have a WPM of 65. Meh. Occasionally arts. Lord of Dorkness's #1 fan. User #26976. inb4 Crossover

T
Source

What do you do when you realize you are dying, with a lifetime measured in days?
What do you do when your destiny reads "Death"?

You tell to the world that your death is not the same as your end.

And never stop

Notes: Story starts roughly 1129 years before the show, and somewhat anachronistic in the beginning. Other characters may be added in when required.
Inspired by "Lord of Dorkness" and his vision of a trans-humanist future.
Inspired by my annoyance at how 90% of all Liches appear to be assholes.
HIATUS: My first criticism inspired me to fix the utterly jumbled mess that is the first arc, because it was written with no effort to continuity, and the assumption that nobody would read it. There's a lot of new stuff that needs to be added to bridge the gaping holes everywhere, but it ain't dead. Not until I die, anyways.

Tags: Necromancy, Transhumanism, Lich, Cyborgs

Chapters (26)
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Comments ( 149 )

Really, really strong start.

Nice to see somebody with grief against the leaders of Equestria, that still likes the country. You simply don't see that distinction that often.

5423696
That makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

this isn't all that bad. it has a lot of promise. i don't know a lot of what liches are, but i can feel that you are doing something interesting with it. the only bad thing that i haven't seen so far is that there really isn't anything all that bad with it. it's just something that i find odd myself. other than that, i'm going to keep an eye on this to see where it goes.

5424153
A lich is a term generally accepted to refer to people/creatures that extends their lifespan through the use of an object known as a phylactery, or soul jar. If the jar gets destroyed, the lich dies.

There is a strong negative connotation in our culture regarding undead, especially considering how immortals rarely are nice and well adjusted.

Its coming later on, but the "Lord of Darkness " used to be part of such a group until he basically realized he joined a bunch of douchebags in search of power.

5424388
well, that's a pretty interesting thing. though, if you were kind of in their shoes, wouldn't you kind of be the same way?

5424403
im not ununderstanding your question.
Whose shoes, and what way?

5424436
i was talking about the group that you said are douchebags. sorry if i confused you. reread what i typed and i can see how that would have been possible.

5424439
Ah
Also, what way are you refering to?

So it's some kind of Changeling larva parasite?

Is it really necessary to put youtube videos in the middle? It's distracting and immersion-breaking in a medium all about immersion. Let your work stand on its own merits.

5457686
....sort of. Semi spoilers below
They're kind of a proto Changeling/Parasprite. Discord takes notice of a massive spell the lich cast on them later on.

5457788
Fine. I wanted to put something there to represent Cycle's theme. I don't want to remove it completely, but I'm leaving a link there.

Carl! Stay back!
Sorry, had to make that joke.

5477541
Yes, the title is a pun.
No, I have not seen it.

5493022
you sure it wasn't the updated stories tab? If this was featured, it really should have had 30+ upvotes and a whole horde of views before hand.

5493036 this story has been in the featured box at least twice for several hours each. that is how i found it

5493128
5493242
Whaaaat.
I have extreme difficulty in believing anything I've written is Box worthy. Hell, the fact that I have so many upvotes without a single down is already beyond my every expectation.

5493531 if you truly believe that than you sir do not read what you write because this story was in the box two times so it is obviously worthy.

5493680
Must not be a lot of updates recently, then.

5493708 :facehoof: wake up and smell the roses. YOU ARE A GOOD WRITER AND YOUR STORY IS IN THE BOX :flutterrage:

5493748
1) Have a stuffy nose, and half the time I don't like those flower's smell anyways. Reminds me of allerigies
2) I am a massive self depreciator, mostly due to the rather pathetic results of my previous attempts, of which a good portion of them were crackfics. In fact, if you think this thing is not bad, why don't you check this guy out? He's basically who inspired me to write this. Though I am technically a fanboy at this point, and likes everything he writes.

5493831
Mandatory Promotion

Well, that's nice to hear. Being able to see 0 negatives is nice, but an empty comment section is just as bad as fanfiction.net.
In any case, thanks, and hope you will enjoy whenever I get enough into the future to give Cycle an Armored Train/Tank on Treads.

this has been out for roughly over a month, has over 200 views, and 40 upvotes with no downvotes. whatever it is you are doing, you are doing it well dude.

5495822

chapter size

Yeah, I know. I'm a slow writer, and I am sort of incapable of making really long ones. It also cut off nicely there, so I did. Each chapter is sort of an "Event" of sorts. One task per chapter. I can try making it longer, but due to my procrastination and the rather jumbled mess that is my notes, its going to take a while.

a good editor is something ... when you have the time and/or will.

Heh heh, about that ... Notice the large amounts of self depreciation up there? I always feel incredibly awkward getting someone to edit for me. Also a bit of a crappy track record, regarding editors. Either no actual edits, or the editor disappears, or no responses. Also, barely any self esteem whatsoever. So I gave up pretty quickly on getting editors. I'm just hoping someone in the comments think its worthy of their time to yell at me to fix my word barf.

I did get a tad confused at some points,

Sorry.

Not to mention these kinds of revenge-based ones

Cycle's number one goal is to protect his family. He had, as you might have noticed, just lost pretty much everything, and is a bit delirious, mentally and emotionally unstable, and somewhat unemphatic to everything else in general. Celestia sorta kinda almost kills him by accident, and it pretty much made it all worse, inducing the desire to be powerful enough no matter the cost to protect his family against anything.
Most of his "revenge" is indirect, and a good portion of it is to simply induce paranoia and make her think he's more cunning than he actually is.

armored train thing

I saw a clip if the Polar Express, on the scene where the train is stuck on ice, and needs to head for the tracks on the other side of the lake.

The operator "steers" be braking/reversing one side of the wheels (ignoring how that would probably break something). What other vehicle sometimes steers by braking one side or the other?
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/4/42/Char_T-34.jpg
Yeeeeah.
Afterwards, I thought: "....what if I slap on 50mm of armor plating everywhere, replace the wheels with giant treads and call it a day?"
That became Rail-Free Train Prototype MK-1, upgraded with a modified engine that Cycle designed with his mark in mind (the recycling of energy, from heat, solar, chemical, or whatever, to kinetic). This is basically a train he yanked from a junkyard to test with. Not very fast nor maneuverable, due to its rather long length, but it was for concept testing anyways.
The Mk-2 its a shorter train (roughly the size of a Greyhound, maybe, I haven't written up dimensions yet), with an improved engine, and rather heavily armed, almost resembling a land battleship, and the design itself vaguely resembles our modern trains, except with flat plates everywhere instead of curved surfaces.
Current specs are

Two machine gun mounts on the front, 1 (85mm - 100mm) howitzer sponsons on both sides, 2 machine gun sponsons on both sides and a (75mm L/56 - 75mm L/70) autoloader on top. Also a machine gun turret on top. Carriages have 2 (105mm) short howitzers per side, 3 machine gun sponsons per side. 2 machine gun turrets on the cupola, and 2 (75mm L/70 - 85mm L/70) cannon turrets on top. Artillery platform is a (155mm w/ Short and Long versions or 200mm short and medium) howitzer.

Tentative names for each of the vehicles built are (Haunted Steel (Wartrain), Scathis’s Scythe (WT), Iron Curtain (WT), Continental (APC, 1 carriage), Bloodless (APC/Medevac , Gladas), Stuart ELC (Stuart 5’s personal vehicle, smaller, solo, speedier 100 km/h)
I like guns.

An 8.8cm KwK L/56 magically accelerated cannon (heh, MAC) might come first, though.

Quite a lot of future stuff will include old, discarded ideas, and cameo's of abilities from other franchises. There's a bit of "rule of cool," though I do try to make it work logically within itself.
Sven (Even) in the Prologue transformed into a Weapon, Soul Eater style.

here's to hoping I don't screw it all up.

5495822
I also have a strange fascination with releasing dark stories during the holidays. It isn't explicitly mentioned, but Cycle technically lit the first "Hearth's Warming" tree over the graves of his family and neighbors.

5496430
The 50mm thing is basically for Mk1. It's pretty much an armored box, and though front is pretty sloped, its meant to go at an angle towards the target in order to bring its guns to bear, and balance out some of the recoil. Haven't gotten a good idea how thick the armor is going to be though. The howitzers are pretty low velocity, so its not too bad. I might make them wider and lower, though.
Also, this is being driven by a lich. Who eventually decides to dig out the frozen corpses of his town and stick them in a giant frozen tub to be reanimated later. Yes, the "mom" in the Prologue is actually his mom's corpse. He eventually works out cloning, and has them man the guns.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M114_155_mm_howitzer
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/240_mm_howitzer_M1
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/14-inch_M1920_railway_gun
Artillery of that size do exist.

Ammo-wise, the carriages are loaded with ammo underneath, and again, rule of cool, probably not going to be a major plot point for the brief time they get used. Same for fuel, though that is even less of an issue. He charges up these fuel rod thingies by capturing the energy of fire and explosives and converts it to kinetic energy.

I already have of a sketch of the thing, I might clean it up later and post it in a blog.

5497331
I have difficulty separating what I have written and what I have planned. I also tend to not care about spoilers, so sorry about that. And don't worry, I like talking. It makes me feel as if I exist.
And remember: this is Equestria. *snortsnortmagicsnort* There's going to be some sort of recoil dampener to reduce the chances of it falling over.
Also, you might enjoy this

Don't worry, you're doing a great job so far self-editing (If you haven't found yourself an editor and retconned, anyway. :P). The story definitely seems solid so far, my only qualm being the large number of chapters for the word count.

5506554
My chapters are, on average, between 1K and 3K. For pretty much everything; you can see that in some of my earlier failed projects. I managed to get 5K once. I do try to update two chapters at a time if I'm able to. Currently stuck for a while, as I try to figure out what one of my character's motivations are in order to introduce a character in the Prologue, and I really don't want him to die.
As for the short chapters in "Diaries..", my excuse is "You might ask 'what happens in the life of a very magically adept lich? Are there constant battles for your life? Do random heroes try to hunt you down? Are there young, stupid children who want too much power for their own good and go on a rampage?' To tell the truth... not really. The local population just ... kinda got used to us. We keep our head downs, help around, and occasionally go off to keep monsters away, which really wasn't any more different than any other town back then. In turn, they let us conduct mad science in the basement. Its quite peaceful, to be honest. After a few centuries though ... I got to be very good at killing things that disturb my peace." (I've been sitting on a form of this quote for quite a while, and not sure when I'll ever find a good spot to stick this in.)

This is primarily going to be slice of life, though right now I'm still focusing on introducing several main characters. There are still a few conflicts, as the earlier comments show, but I personally don't like the drama of large scale battles. These guys tend to lean towards quiet assassinations, if they have to.

The next pair of chapters should be a bit longer though, I hope. I'm going to be introducing Even Balance Fairday and Wally Falcowolf, and hopefully they add up to longer than 5K. Assuming I get out of this block sometime soon.

Rather quiet bunch, aren't ye?
Oh well. No downvotes yet, so that's something. Yay.
Tosses a fistful of shredded paper into the air

I mostly lurk, read, vote, and occasionally fave.
I'm not good at criticism, constructive or otherwise... unless I'm criticizing myself.
The way it hops to and fro in it's own timeline whilst slowly filling the puzzle, I find it very interesting.
Looking forward to more from this story. It's a fairly enjoyable read.:twilightsmile:

5683766
Thanks. Most of the hopping is yes, to keep a bit of mystery while I try to figure out how to tell the characters' backstories.
Hope you will enjoy the future updates.

Think you hit a good middle ground on that accent.

Different, but not unreadable, and a good fit for what's supposed to be a unique character.

Good work! :twilightsmile:

5693419
Thanks.
I was wondering how a crow trying to speak without the correct mouth shape, nor vocal cords would sound like. Something slow with a bit of a "cawing" undertone was the best I came up with. I also sort of made a reference to Hawking's voice thingy, in how he and a lot of other people were used to that machine's particular voice, despite its age.

DF

I don't tend to say anything unless I have a reason to. That being said, I really like this story and figured I'd move it from tracked to fav'd.

The only complaint I have is that the timeline occasionally feels a bit muddled, and I do believe that the "1220 years before present day" is a typo, since that would be fifty years before he died by my reckoning.

...this story really should have more views...

5697708
1) Thanks
2) I'm still working on cleaning up the timeline myself, on my end, so sorry about that. Though I will admit that one should be changed, as I was messing around with dates. As of now (before I change it again, anyways) is that the first arc starts on 1120, but actually spans a time period from 1261 - 1080.
Im on my phone right now, but I'll see what I can do.
Edit: Yup, that was a big boo boo.

Interesting.

I like how the Mk 1 have some rather clear disadvantages, but still offering enough stuff to be tempting.

You planning on doing more of these? It would be really interesting to see a clear progression of development.

5806473
There's going to be at least:
Mk 2, Regeneration, 3,4,Nightmare. There may be research notes on other things such as alicorns and the like in-between, and maybe further upgrades.

Thus continues the tradition of my complete disregard for spoiler warnings.

5806488

Ni~ice! :twilightsmile:

Always good to see stuff like that actually explained and explored, instead of hand-waved as 'that cool thing that does the thing.'

I am rather fond of this depiction of a lich's phylactery.

The Mk 1, especially, reminds me of adding new components to a computer. Adding more RAM, a newer video card and larger or more advanced hard drive can greatly extend the useful life of a computer.

In the end, though, it only delays the inevitable. It isn't enough to simply upgrade; to really make something last, you need something radically different.

Ever few steps, I shook myself, shaking accumulated snow off my dark wide brimmed hat and cloak.

Every

Now, it just looked like a 10th hoof ratty piece that should’ve met the trash bin centuries ago

generally, unless the number is exorbitantly large, you should write it in words

but I haven’t bothered about temperatures for centuries

I think it should be hadn't. but I'm not certain. Possibly should also be haven't/hadn't been bothered...

“Dammit,” I hissed, swaying on my hooves. “Not aga --”

Em dashes don't have spaces between them and the word. This occurs several times throughout the chapter

I smiled back, as I loved mommy. Though she always seemed sad whenever somepony asked about daddy, she always did her best to raise me. I don’t like it when mommy is sad.

These are all proper nouns and so should be capitalized

Carefully preened of any specifics so that anyone who wanted to actually learn instead of just knowing will have to come and visit me.

would

“Ready. Steady.GO!

Spacing

To your “ally.”

Using quotation marks for emphasis isn't very effective

Unfortunately, I rather live.

'I'd', I think.

(mostly for familiarities sake)

familiarity's

I think that you could add a little more description for Twilight before introducing her. The reader first learns that it's a purple mare and then that the mare is an alicorn. A bit confusing since there wasn't very much indicating that we were in the present timeline.

It seems to be an interesting premise, but there's no big hook for me yet.

5878941
Fix'ed, and sorry for not entertaining you.

I didn't describe Twilight much because they barely see her either, only by "feel". I will add the date thing, though.

I’m iffy on whether or not souls exist, but for the purpose of the story, some form of it is required for the phylactery to work. Zombies don’t have phylacteries, and can be called actually dead. Cycle, however, is just delusional.

To be fair, it could 'just' be the Mind moved magically from the actual brain, or something. Just because the characters call the resulting energy contained in the phylactery a 'soul' doesn't mean they're actually right.

6314692
That was what I was going for. Some sort of thing that can be considered a mind, whether its a magical copy of the brain or something else. It probably isn't going to be brought up again, and handwaved for story purposes.

Your constant time jumps are confusing me. Maybe give us a timeline? Where are each sort of chapter exactly? and when? Diaries, travelogues and flashback chapters seen to each follow a different timeline and jumping between them constantly is extremely difficult to follow.

Plus in his letter to Celestia he says that the colt who held of Sombra so she could prepare was /supposed/ to then die in the plague that took his village, that implies (to me at least) that he held off Sombra even BEFORE his village died and therefore before getting his training in dark magic, but no past scenes have even mentioned this HUGE event having happened.

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