• Member Since 16th Nov, 2016
  • offline last seen Sep 30th, 2020

Lost Rose


Just a lone rose, lost in the world

Comments ( 86 )

Very interesting chapter to read I hope you write more soon

i shall watch this after i am able to watch the movie myself

It's not that bad... I like it.

I watched the movie a few hours ago from a link my friend gave me, but I'm gonna read this in a few minutes to see what it's like.

After all, it might be time for her to take her own advise and open up her eyes.

Advice.

I need to ask, where you able to watch the movie already?, or is this some kind of comic information that I won't get anyway?

While I know she is an awesome commander, I just hope that if the Human is a weak one, that he isn'T the usual either "playboy", or wimp. It would be a nice change to maybe have a rather clever/wise guy, or an impressing one with a calm demanor that isn't affraid of whatever reaction she might have. Maybe he just has an awesome job like being a cook that is better than most of them.

You maybe notice that I hope he is special in his own way, I had enough humans that needed to hide behind their pony wife, had an overdramatic sad past and every third chapter makes them feel even sadder and other stuff along that line.

I'm not sure if I want to read it already, but I think I won't remember much anyway if I watch the movie, while I think much about what I read in the moment, I usually forget small informations after a while. I watch the movie at saturday.

I have read it and her emotional state makes me hope for an awesome storie. I kind of like to think the Human is going to be good for her mental health or how you say it.

8467094
Both work, actually. British spelling :ajsmug:

Awesome job, can't wait for the next chapter.

First story and already featured?

Wow, congrats, mate!

8467622

8467094 is right. There's a difference between the two. "Advise" is a verb: To offer suggestions about the best course of action to someone, or inform (someone) about a fact or situation in a formal or official way.

"Advice" is a noun: guidance or recommendations offered with regard to prudent action.

British spelling are words like colour vs color, armor vs armour, and so on and so forth, so it is a change that's needed.

When I watched the movie, I almost pissed myself when Tempest told Pinkie and Twilight her real name.

8467785
Really? Hah, apologies then. I suppose my english teacher should be lynched then, since he kinda taught me and my entire class that’s how the brits spell ‘advice’.

Pardon :twilightblush:

8467800
Yeah, you should probably upend his cup of tea upon his head :rainbowlaugh:

8467802
All in due time, friend. Autumn break is on, right now. :moustache:

Okay, this story made a song pop into my head...gimme a few, and I'll leave a link to it.

huh.....i guess this would be the first tempest shadow romance and first human x tempest shadow fic huh?

Looks promising. I'm gonna wait to see the movie before I read this, though. :raritywink:

Wes

Looks promising. And just because I like Tempest so much already, liked, faved and watched.

Comment posted by Scamper deleted Oct 7th, 2017

8468664
does anyone has a link for download? good quality is appreciated.

8469146
Err...that seems mostly alright to me, particular given the show's ponification of pronouns. Otherwise, there isn't a lot of confusion there isn't a lot of mixup there.

Side note, obligatory MOAR!!!! :flutterrage:

8468664
Not the full link, but go to kimcartoon.me, or just search for kimcartoon. It'll be on there. Full movie, great graphics.

Just got home from watching the movie. Yes.

Story seems promising. Also Yes.

I knew there would be a tempest shadow story after the movie XD

buuuuuut I do wanna know where yah got the pic. :D I wanna watchh that artist

Suddenly, the storm picked up and the wind grabbed at Tempest’s cloak, nearly lifting her hoof her feet (
should be off her hooves.) in the process. She stumbled slightly to the side, but managed to catch herself before she was thrown from the top of the hillock. Lightning lanced across the sky again, followed booming clamp of thunder.

Suddenly, the storm picked up and the wind grabbed at Tempest’s cloak, nearly lifting her hoof her feet in the process. She stumbled slightly to the side, but managed to catch herself before she was thrown from the top of the hillock. Lightning lanced across the sky again, followed (add "by a") booming clamp of thunder.

For a long time, she just laid there, staring up at the dark ceiling above her while listening to the storm still raging outside. Every so often a flash of lightning when (should be "would") shine through a small gap in the curtains, illuminating the room for a brief second before plunging everything back into darkness.

It was late when she finally decided to get some sleep. Settling back in the bed, she closed her eyes and tried to claim her mind. It took a few minutes, but she eventually began to slip off into the realm of slumber. As she went, a single through (should be "thought") crossed her mind and while it didn’t make her smile, the thought had a comforting presence to it.

Not sure how many of you caught these and relayed them, but just in case here are some errors I found. But overall rather well written. To be honest, I read it because it was labeled with "sex" but I do not regret reading it, despite the current lack of sex. Keep up the great work!

8471148
I saw it, too. This was probably my favorite song from the movie:

As for the fic, not much is going on just yet, but I'm expecting that will change. Grammar's a bit rough in places, but overall, it's very well done. I eagerly await more, especially the introduction of the... human element... :ajsmug:

8471445
I haven't gotten around to actually reading the chapter, just meant it looks interesting from the surface. I can read past grammar lol

I know that it usually isn'T good, but I really loved the movie and I'm curious if someone writes a human turns Tempest fanfiction and maybe shows us an alternate adventure that takes place during and after the movie.

Tempest was my favourite and while i still like Queen Novo like a hippogryph, I loved her more as a seapony and her attitude.

I can’t wait to read more. Tempest is my favorite character from the movie.

8471445
I agree completely. Best song. Emily Blunt sure can sing.

*Reads title*
I got that reference! :yay:

Very nice start. Anticipating more!

Watched the movie and immediately fell for Tempest. Then I saw this fic and read it. Holy hell I really like this start. Can't wait for more!

I don't even have to open to the first chapter to know that this is good.

Your description is masterful, if not maybe a bit heavy.

I wonder if we will learn of her cutie mark in this story?

8468664
Is it true what he said about the site?

Im excited to see where this goes! im enjoying it quite alot actualy

I added this before watching the movie, but just read it since I seen it yesterday. Loved the movie, and start to this.

Nice story! I enjoyed it quite a lot!

One of the best things I love about your writing are the descriptions. You do a very good job at painting the reader a scene, not only catering to sight, but smells, tastes, sounds, the entire package. Many writers seem to struggle with even having one or two senses, but you have an absolute mastery over all five. Good job there!

The next best thing about this is your introduction. You only used four simple words, but those four words are carefully chosen to not only mean literal, but emotional and metaphorical as well. It's very clear that Tempest is not only struggling against a literal storm on her way to Brookshire, but an internal one as well. Very good use of symbolism on your part. There's also a nice tie in with the storm and her name, Tempest, so extra points to you on that. You could even argue that her journey there--fighting through the rain and the wind--is also symbolic of her character arc. Her desire to go home is hampered by her hesitation and bad memories that's brought up about it, symbolized by the rain, the muddy streets, and the wind tossing her about. She wants to revisit her hometown, but there are so many factors fighting against her that it makes it a true struggle.

However, one of the biggest things that I felt was lacking in the first chapter was a powerful initial conflict. I could understand that the initial conflict is her fighting the storm to get home, which isn't bad. It's very lackluster though, as we see the conflict is solved by the end of the chapter. Perhaps you could argue that the initial conflict is her arriving back in town, and that sets up the main plot. But if so, it's not explained or made very clearly to the reader. Of course we'll know that there'll likely be some drama with her showing up at her hometown. Scenes of her meeting the group that outcasted her or her parents and other loved ones come to mind. But it's not strong enough to warrant a full chapter to in my opinion.

We do get a very vivid setting painted out for us which, is one of the building blocks for a story, yes. Once again, your descriptions do a very good job at establishing where our character is, and has lots of potential for interesting and fun situations. But without a clear objective, it's hard to be immersed and engaged with Tempest, despite the details being top-notch. As sad as it is for me to say, I started losing interest about halfway through the chapter, simply because I was asking myself, "Okay, where's the initial conflict? Where's the struggle? What am I supposed to be engaged or interested in?" I finished it still, because the descriptions were just that good, but it really was missing a key ingredient for a fantastic opening chapter.

An example of a good initial conflict comes from one of my favorite books, the Hunger Games. I admit, it's far from perfect, and frankly has very simple language and a lot of flaws, but it's good enough for me to bring up here. From the very first sentence, we're hit with the news of the Reaping. Minor spoilers, we learn that a boy and a girl will be chosen for a battle royale that only one person can come out alive. We begin with seeing our main character's little sister cuddled up tight against her mother, for fear that she would be chosen for the royale.

That's absolutely huge! It's something that instantly engages us, lures us to want to read more about. We want to learn the fate of the main character and her sister, like if they're going to be chosen to fight or not. For your story, it opens with descriptions with no looming event or goal to look forward to. I have no clue what to expect coming forward, nor do I know if it'll be any interest to me or not. Putting your readers in that situation is an easy way for them to put down the book, since it appears finished (or at least stationary) to them.

One way you could set up an initial conflict would be in the form of some kind of letter. Perhaps one of Tempest's old pony friends reached out to her, or a long-lost letter finally arrived at her doorstep. Maybe it's some kind of family member wondering where she was like a mother or a little sister. I think the most powerful initial conflict would involve some kind of deadline or time restraint. Perhaps the father (or if you're really cruel, a little sister) had fallen deathly ill, and the doctors fear she won't live much longer. Maybe someone in the family went missing or was kidnapped that persuaded her to revisit home. Perhaps a vengeful sky pirate discovered who Tempest used to be and where she lived, so she quickly had to return home in-fear of her family's and friend's safety.

Something like that would make this story an absolute ton better, so I was really sad to see it was lacking any semblance of that.

Also, your ending I felt could've been a ton stronger. You end with the line, "I'm home." which, isn't bad. It has a decent amount of interest and a bit of wonder about what's to come next. I'll also give you points for adding an element of mystery in your first chapter, namely, "What is Tempest doing here? Why is she coming to this town?" This question is answered by your ending, as well as several clues sprinkled around. One incredibly powerful way to keep your readers engaged though is by ending with a cliffhanger. The Hunger Games, as mentioned before, does a fantastic job of insuring every chapter wants you having more. They end with some kind of question or mystery or surprise or action, and that kind of writing drives readers absolutely insane (in a good way).

An example from the Hunger Games is at the end of one chapter, the main character is lined up with all the other boys and girls within the age pickings for the Reaping. The boy is picked first, of a person the main character knew and had a powerful (but emotional) memory with. This, although interesting (akin to your "I'm home" line, interesting, but not super engaging), sets up for the girl to be picked, which, unfortunately, happens to be the main character's sister.

That kind of impact, that, "Oh shit, what's going to happen next?!" moment is something I think you're really capable of, which is why I'm emphasizing this so much! I want to be hanging on, desperately begging you for the next chapter of your story. Instead, it's at a mellow, "Oh that was really cool. I wonder what happens next".

Oh, and very good job at capturing Tempest's personality well. I wrote a lot already so I won't go too much into detail on this. You've managed to capture her rough, sometimes bitter, but likable charm, which I think is really essential for writing Tempest stories where she's portrayed as the hero (or tragic hero, in most cases).

Tl;dr: Incredible descriptions, fantastic opening line, excellent job portraying Tempest and her personality. No powerful initial conflict however, and the ending could be a lot more engaging with a cliffhanger.

Thanks for the read!

Can't wait to see where this goes.

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