- Member Since 8th May, 2015
- offline last seen Apr 9th, 2020
Oldtakufanboy
Original username Zoddtheimmortalone. I'm a fan of anime, but I enjoy the classics more. As for My Little Pony, I may not watch it as much, but I do like the show and I also love EG
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There's a few odd word choices in sentences that explain certain situations, but other than that, this story has got my attention. I liked the idea of the portal in the beginning. Kind of a coincidence that your idea of a portal is somewhat similar to a portal in my one story.
While the premise has a lot of potential, you really need to look into story flow and situational consistency. You bounced around with what was going on in every scene, and lacked supporting details to draw any discernible imagery.
His emotional responses came across as nonsensical, descriptions of combat were so unrealistic that nothing made sense, the aerial battle demonstrates a total lack of understanding how aircraft work, let alone missiles or cannons. I have no idea how the zeppelin went down, and little clue how his plane went down.
I think I'll stop there. The premise intrigued me because I know about the movie and the idea of two enemies working together so both could survive, knowing working alone meant death.
However, due to the garbled structure, very little of the story is able to come across. Please try reading the site's own Writing Guide and see what you can improve on. At the very least, you must correct the basics in order for a story to go anywhere.
I apologize for being rather harsh, but in order to improve, you must hear honest feedback. Something seems hidden in this story, and I want to see if you can bring it into the light. Not going to downvote before a second chapter.
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Thank you for the criticism
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Thank you for responding humbly. From personal experience, I know it is often difficult to hear such things.
In return, if it is of interest to you, feel free to PM me with specific questions or other discussions. I am far from the best writer around, but I do enjoy offering feedback when someone is willing to hear the negative parts.
Why so many people die by the hands of stormking
In the movie tempest is a commander.
Bullets hard to penetrate the armor...I can believe that. What about grenades? RPGs? Missiles? Bombs? Doubt the armor will protect them from that. Xd
The idea of the story is very intriguing thou.
Is this going to be continued?
Where's next chapter ?
Will you continue this story cause we really want it
hay when will the next chapter come out