But You Can Be
You stare out the window at Pinkie Pie bouncing across the street towards your house. Living directly across from Sugarcube Corner has its advantages—you only have to drag yourself a few meters out the door to buy a small, pony-sized bag of coffee every week—but it also means the pink party pony can pester you whenever she pleases. She's been trying to throw you a party ever since you arrived a few months ago, but you don't want a party. You just want to be left alone. All these happy ponies expect you to be happy too, and they act like it's a crime that you aren't. And Pinkie doesn't understand the meaning of the word 'no.' She will throw a party for you, whether you want it or not; she's like some kind of fucked up party rapist.
You've tried ignoring her. You've tried hiding. You wanted to call the police, but you know they'd just laugh at you. You have no one to turn to for help. You're alone, like always. There's only one option left: You have to face her directly.
If only you weren't such a wuss.
Pinkie has now reached your house. She knocks a single time before throwing the door open without touching the knob.
"Nonny~! Is today a good day for your party?"
It's now or never. Or tomorrow. You've been putting this off for a while, so another day wouldn't hurt, right?
"Helloooooooo? Are you okay, Nonny?" You jump back as Pinkie appears in front of you. "You aren't sick, are you? I hope not, because I really think today's the perfect day for your party! I'll invite everypony in town so you can make some friends!"
Sick. You could pretend to be sick and she'll leave you alone. That's a much better idea; just pretend to be sick forever, maybe tell her you have cancer. Oh! You could fake your death! That's sure to get her to stop coming over.
"Actually, I'm dying." Ten outta ten delivery. Super convincing.
"Pffft! We're all dying, silly! That's what makes life so great! If we lived forever, then every little moment would be meaningless. That's why Princess Celestia acts so strange. She's disconnected from the passion and fear that mortality grants us. She just mimics what the ponies around her act like so she doesn't alienate them."
Oh. That is not the response you were going for. You expected her to gasp, maybe a few tears, and then she'd run off to plan your funeral. But this...
You shuffle over to the couch and collapse onto it, not looking at the pink horse. "I... I think I'm fine now."
"...No. You're not fine, Anon."
"What?" Your eyes snap up to meet two baby blues. Something is wrong. She never calls you by your name. You notice her smile is gone. "What are you talking about?"
Pinkie sits down heavily, shaking her head. "You're not fine. You lock yourself away and avoid talking to anypony as much as possible. You constantly refuse any attempts at friendship." Her mane starts to deflate as she speaks. "You never eat anything except a few fruits every other day. Your hair is always knotted up and dirty. You haven't showered in days. You only own one set of clothes, and you refuse to let Rarity make you any more." Her ears are drooping now. Tears threaten to spill over from the corner of her eyes. "You never open the door when somepony wants to visit you. You never say hi to me whenever you come to Sugarcube Corner. You never laugh at my jokes." She starts openly sobbing now, her head hang almost to the floor. "You never smile... You're not fine, and you won't let me help you!"
Your body moves without thinking. You slide to the floor and kneel next to the crying mare. Wrapping your arms around her, you pick her up and cradle her to your chest. Her only response is curling into a ball and sobbing harder. You stand up and slowly move back to the couch. You set her in your lap and try to jump start your brain into forming a coherent thought.
Are you actually that pathetic? Yeah, you haven't showered, but that's because you haven't done anything to get dirty; you haven't even been outside in a week... Okay, maybe that's a bad thing. But your dietary habits are fine. You don't eat much because you aren't hungry. There's nothing wrong with that, right? You don't need another set of clothes, since... Um... There's probably a good reason. And you don't need friends. Pinkie is just being overly emotional. All ponies are.
"I don't need any help, Pinkie," you mumble.
"...Then why won't you smile?"
"Because I'm not happy."
"But why!?" Pinkie looks up at you with teary eyes. "I've tried everything!"
"I'm not like you, Pinkie. I'm not a pony. You ponies can just... be happy. It's not that easy for me."
"I know it's not easy, Anon. Believe me, I know." She nuzzles into your chest. She seems to have stopped crying at least. "That's why I'm trying to help you. I know you can't do it by yourself. I can't either. I need my friends more than they'll ever know. They're the biggest thing that keeps me going. But you don't have any friends. You keep pushing everypony away, and that's only making it worse." She wraps her hooves around your stomach, hugging you tightly. "Please, Anon. Please let me be your friend."
"I don’t...” You don’t need friends. “I don't think that would change anything. You'll just be wasting your time."
"I've already been spending my time with you, and it's not a waste. It never will be." You can feel her squeezing you tighter.
Shit, she's got you there. She's been coming over almost every single day, trying to get you to be social. Maybe if you just let her call you a “friend,” she'll stop coming by so often.
Strangely, you hope that doesn't happen.
"At least try it. Please?" Pinkie's voice wavers.
You don't want her to start crying again. Crying Pinkie isn't something you're comfortable with.
"Fine," you sigh, placing a hand on the mare's head. "But I'm telling you, I don't think anything will change." Instantly, her mane poofs up around your fingers. Her hug turns into a bone-crushing vice.
"Oh, thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou! I Pinkie Promise it'll be worth it! I'll be the bestest best friend you'll ever have!"
"Pinkie. Air."
"Oop! Sorry, ehehe," Pinkie giggles as she releases you. Her smile is wide, her eyes are dry, and it looks like she was never upset to begin with. Fucking ponies, man.
You really don't think a friend will magically make you happy, but it's not like you have anything else to do.
"Mmmmmm," Pinkie hums as she nuzzles your chest again. She suddenly freezes, her nose twitching. "Nonny?"
"Yeah?"
"You need a shower, stinky."
For some reason, that makes you laugh. It starts out as a chuckle, and Pinkie jumps out of your lap with a gasp. It gets stronger, and you double over with mirth. You laugh until your sides cramp and your face hurts. You can barely breathe, and you feel tears streaming down your cheeks. Pinkie starts laughing right next to you. Whenever she takes a breath, she snorts loudly, which only makes you laugh even harder.
After what feels like hours, you finally catch your breath, a stupid grin refusing to leave your face. At some point, Pinkie seems to have crawled back into your lap, or maybe you picked her up, you don't remember. She’s hugging you again with a giant smile, breathing normally as if she laughs this hard on a daily basis.
"Pinkie?"
"Yeah?"
"...Thanks."
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;-; damn it pinkie
One does not simply write a funny. It starts out there, yes, but then the funny absorbs too many mutagens. It begins to change, mould in your hands into something only barely recognizable. Sometimes it goes in unfathomable directions, leaning sideways towards Drama or Slantways toward Adventure or Branchways toward the most depraved of pony pornography. But sometimes, just barely, it stays on course. It goes the distance. It reshapes itself, yes, but into something better, something more in-depth. Only then, can a true funny be considered ready.
I'll admit that I enjoyed this. Felt a bit short, but was nice and heartwarming. Have a fave for a great story.
People always tell me I remind them of Pinkie....I can relate to this Pinkie more the i would like to admit.
Pinkie is always there to make you smile
What happened? Goodness happened.
Sometimes characters can do things and stories go in ways we don't expect when we start writing. This can be a good thing and it's usually best to just run with it.
Pacing was fast as ever loving fuck but it poked me right in the feelaroos thumbs up for general good quality writing
You realized what a pathetic person Anon is in all those stories and what it meant.
Pinkie used to be my least favorite character, TBH. But she's kinda grown on me. This song truly does what it says and helps me smile sometimes when things go sideways. The world needs moar Pinkie.
I was thinking if i would give you a like.
Then i read this:
Instant like.
Her hugs have removed his flesh, run for your life! She will destroy us all, with love!
For fuck's sakes, Anon, get out of the house once in a while and maybe you'll be happier.
8164254
MILK FOR THE KHORNE FLAKES!
8165308 oops, fixerino'd
There needs to be more people like Pinkie in this world
This was really excellent!
Heart and Happy Pinkie reacts only.
That was nice.
Just thinking... whenever I read a Pinkie-vs-don't-wanna story, they tend to be Pinkie Wins (and I count both this story and her vs Cranky in that category) or Pinkie gets used like a football by an asshole Anon. I don't think I've ever come across one where Pinkie is ever politely declined and actually has to come to terms with not being wanted on a personal level no matter what she tries. A character who was perfectly content but declined to form personal friendships would be an interesting one in the context of Equestria, where friendship is practically a force of nature. Something like pre-Ponyville Twilight, but with sufficient self-knowledge and confidence to no-sell Pinkie's approaches.
Idea... a story which celebrates diversity by having the issue of the week be something nasty which spreads via friendship. Given the show's focus on the positives of friendship, that'd be an interesting one to write. Hmm.
this goes here
8166875 You have exquisite taste in YouTubers, friendo
8166879 bitch you know it
Fun story. Did you really mean that he buys a small bag of coffee from Pinkie every week? I mean, she does break the laws of physics regularly, but that seems like a bit much!
I'd love to see a sequel
8167155 A very small bag. Like, maybe 4-6 ounces
Bwuh?
Ah'm mildly stunned at how enjoyable this story was. Thought ah could humor you, buy ah guess yer the one doin' the humorin.
That spectacular Celestia mention was refreshin and sucked me rightly in.
Thank you for the smiles.
:)
Nice
Now that's how you write a Pinkie!
8166698
Humans are practically herd animals themselves. Aside from the rare individual (just wired differently/trained certain reactions and emotions to behave differently), we do actually need some interpersonal relationships to be considered healthy. Just because it would be new doesn't mean it'd be interesting. Would it be much of a story, without drawing out a conflict to make Pinkie look annoying to an Anon who is constantly telling her he's fine and winds up actually being fine, thus cutting off any character development or story development?
Damn. You hit me right in a low place. Right in the reality. Ouch!
8167191
But why would you make a bag that's only 4-6 ounces?
This made me smile in a way I can't quite put into words. Thanks for that.
8168290 because ponies, I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Coffee does come in that amount, but most people buy in bulk
A very nice and heartwarming story. It speaks to a lot of people on a very personal level. It's very easy to fall into a pit of being "content" with what little goes on in your life, but this can only continue for so long until you one day realize what sort of dank, boring pit you're stuck in.
That's why we need more Pinkie Pies in the world to fish you out with a rope ladder made of licorice and bubblegum.
You're not supposed to make me feel this deeply, darn you.
Well written and uplifting dear friend.
Could you maybe make a sequel? Like adventures with anon and Pinkie, with Pinkie trying to help him be happy and make friends. Cause I honestly really loved this short story, and I think It deserves a sequel. Not try to sounds rude or anything, I just think it does.
8169373
8167180
8165448
Hmmmmmmmm
Maybe. No promises. I'm not used to writing serious stories.
8169417
Okeps, I'll take a maybe ^-^
Didn't care for Anon depression, but then I read this part :
This is Terry Pratchett level of insight.
8169981
...
who da fuck is Terry Pratchet...?
8170402
...
........
..............
memecrunch.com/meme/2C1QD/zod-heresy/image.jpg?w=899&c=1
He is... was, the author of the Discworld series.
8170406
...
The... the what series...?
That was really sweet
at first, i was reluctant. a short history in hot? why?
then I read it... oh boy... this was a good ride to bring up my mid-day.
Have a mustache good sir
Would it be cool if I did a fanfic reading? I really liked the story XP
8170911 sure, go for it
Ye
Bam!
8168106 I'll admit it would be a challenge, and need a deft touch as a writer. The Anon wouldn't necessarily need a character arc if it focused on Pinkie's own growth. Or they could get an arc which wasn't the stock "Anon learns to fit in better with Equestrian society by becoming more ponylike in their attitudes."
8170402
I don't intend to be rude, but there is this majestic, omnipresent force and all-knowing intellectual known as Google, whom through it's vast intelligence one can and may learn anything there be a need therein and of. I understand, coming from one who was ignorant for most of their life, the revelations that are soon to follow; don't hold back my child, express your inner curiosity and learn! Use this great medium for the good of the world! Go forth and use this new found knowledge and no longer be shut out of social allusions due to ignorance! I believe in you!
Or would a simple, "Go Google it," have been nicer?
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