Viper Freak
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Was a good read, numerous glaring spelling issues but the story flowed pretty well.
7591108 Thanks, just let me know what was wrong and I'll change it.
Hope to see more. SpikeDance is one of my guilty pleasures and that end just makes me want it.
Good story otherwise, Hope to see more in the future
9/10 Needs sequel.
Work on spelling/grammar, perhaps lengthen/further-detail your fiction, and you'll have a hit on your hands.
7591782
7591406
Thank you, just let me know what I spelled wrong and I'll change it
Get an Editor or friend to look over work for spelling and such. Fantastic work otherwise, would love a sequel of some sort.
7592679 Thank you for the comment, I'll look into the spelling errors and such.
7592405 five years, he
iswas now taller then Twilightwhen pressed in right order,
makemade them appear.They
wherewere very small at firstnot even able to get him an inch
ofoff the ground.but at the end of that year
were(delete extra "were") they were big enough for him to use.from
pPrincess (Capitalize Princess) Cadance and heopensopened it up again (spoken past tense)tThegGoddess of Love (capitalize title)~(₠)~
That wasn't
itwhat got him a little angry, (remove "it")with a hoof in front of
theretheir muzzles, ("there" is the spacial-adverb, "their" is like the possession of having) common mistake.the three
wherewere looking at himOwOh of course Master, I am Rose ShineAs
thethey moved along, the two maresseeing (a all) known statue coming
in toview.seeing an all/well known statue coming into (One or)
seeing a known statue coming into (the other)
copy of the crystal hart held
hihigh in his claw.Spike had asked Cadence if she could
chancechange itArtic rushed to the guard, '
OwOh please forgive me!''I couldn't help
my-self, (myself, one word.)Jet this pony doesn't recognize him (Huh? Not sure if this is slang for something else or mis-spelled)
As the guards now surrounded them and
letlead them to the palaceall the
wilewhile with the three mares~(₠)~
So I've helped with the two first sections. I hope you continue your writings as well. It's good.
~Erebus Cantillion
7593207 Fixed, I really hit myself on the head a few times with some of the errors.
thanks anyway for taken the time to do that, much appreciated
Nice one for first try. I don't know if it can be better because it already good!
7605188 Thanks for liking it.
Dude....sequel now please!
7608351 sorry, but not at the moment.
I want to do some other stories too, but at this rate, I might do a sequel in the future.
Loved it! Really hoping for that sequel, i'd really love to know more about those 3 lovely mares
Wonderful work btw
7610715 Thanks, It's nice to see it is liked so much.
If I may give you a piece of advice, you need to think about the structure of your writing. Right now you are mostly writing in single phrase paragraphs, making it hard to read. A new line should be used to signify a break in narration or description, opening a new paragraph with every other phrase makes for very choppy pacing.
It's like putting a full stop instead of a comma. In the middle of a phrase. It makes the reader pause. Slows the reading down. And is very distracting. Especially in a clop story. That should be about the action. If you see what I am saying.
7619338 You can, and I'll try.
Everything that needed to be said has already been just going to add my piece.
Good job for your first story, get this edited, more details (Spike's sexual experience or lack-there-of, what the 3 mares look like besides their race, fur and mane color).
A sequel with, Spike and Cadance, would be nice, but I would fix this first before going that.
Again, good job!
7787277 About the mares, I wanted the reader to imagine how they look like.
But thanks for liking it.
This story was quite good. Sequel, please!
Ever wrote a young harem story before?
8994193
Nope
8996033
I can't please everyone, now can I?
8996559
No worries mate, it was all in good fun (I hope) and didn't mean anything by it. (Just like you did with your comment, right?)
Please for the love of god do a sequel, story was amazing and I would love to see how a night with cadance goes along with his new marefriends , would he move to the crystal empire or would the mares move to ponyville.
O_O how dare you end like that! that's such a cruel and unfair ending with cadence calling spike master. but pokeing fun at your ending aside it was really nice and would love to see more. best regards, darkbroney666