• Member Since 24th Sep, 2013
  • offline last seen Mar 23rd, 2016




23 December 2015, 6:52 p.m. PST:


Equestria crashes into the middle of the Pacific Ocean, and, in their shock at the "disgusting" human race, its leaders decide to do something completely insane ...

... provide mandatory talk-therapy for every human on the planet!

Let the conversations ...
... BEGIN!

Written for the Write Club. Prompt provided by XanaDurian

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 69 )

I am suddenly tempted to run this concept seriously.

6807937 It could be an interesting philosophical drama. I was glad to be given the prompt and wouldn't mind seeing it expanded.

The threat of the Windigos showing up actually makes "oh shit, we need to do something 'bout dem humans" a real, serious issue. Or everything dies in a new, magically malevolent ice age fueled by the hateful spite-filled cesspools of Yahoo! Answers, /b/, the Youtube comments section, and the people who lurk there.

This was my favorite prompt in all of Write Club so far. You nailed it.

I would read the shit out of that.

6808074 Thank you!
6808064 I'm glad that headcanon helped lend some credibility to the premise. I'm also proud of my use of the Smooze to peacefully mandate human cooperation.

Twilight Sparkle awoke, bolting upright in a cold sweat. “Ahhh!” Her scream ended abruptly. “What a terrible nightmare!”

Probably had this dream after reading some stories on Fimfiction.

Hmm, seems like a charming little tale-

“The Rock is just my ring name. My real name is Dwa—”
Maud moved like a falling achondrite, in time to silence him with a hoof placed softly on The Rock's lips. “Tell me,” Maud's flat expression shifted subtly, and, smiling, her tone became less like granite and more like talc graphite, “Is there a Misses The Rock?”
The Rock looked nonplussed, but nodded.
Maud's smile didn't fade, and she leaned closer, her stony blue eyes half-lidded, whether with apathy or interest, only context might tell. “Would she like to see a show with you and a small pony?”


6808277 That last image literally made me say "WAHT TEH FAWK?!" aloud.

Luckily I live alone.

6808348 Pegasisters can have stiffies too... right?

I always misread "Conversion Bureau" as "conversation bureau".

So, gg on that.

6808376 I.. whb.. a.... ... I don't have a response to that.

Could use a proofreading once-over, but I was mildly amused.

Welcome to the ranks of those who have dared to mock "The Conversion Bureau". I don't think there are that many of us, really...

It doesn't matter who talks to Trump, he will always be the same. Also I want Suicide Bombers that explode pies, I get a meal and they can feel proud of causing a mess.

Thank you for this... It brained my day.

Wait who's the third guy?

This was actually quite fun, but I really don't get the ending.

A ten year time-skip... and then it was all a dream? So... the nightmare was that Twilight got 'a' friendship problem that took ten years to solve? :rainbowhuh:

I'm sorry, but that ending was so confusing it kind of killed the rest of the story for me.

6809176 I was shooting for comically nonsensical and over the top cliched. I was under some time constraints, but, since you mention it, I might be able to make that more obvious when I have a chance to revise. Thanks for reading!

6809142 Warren Jeffs. I should maybe put in more clues.

Thanks for reading and commenting! It was a fun way to broaden my horizons a little. Of course, I really can't take credit for the story idea, just its execution.

I'd have liked to write part of Trump's conversation, but I doubt I'd have done it justice without more time. Funny Terrifying how easy it is to procrastinate and let two weeks slip by.

6809288 I wasn't aware of him so I never would have guessed, your description isn't bad, I just never knew.

6809458 Okidoke. In that case, I think I'll just add his actual identity to the author's note.

“Would she like to see a show with you and a small pony?” Yes. Yes he would!!!

“I thought that my attempt to bring about eternal night was a crime unworthy of forgiveness, but, these humans, they take each others' very lives... voluntarily!” The princess of the night's expression shown plainly the horror she felt.

... but your temper tantrum would have condemned your whole world into frozen death. Not even Hitler or Stalin tried to pull an omnicide. :ajbemused:

6809815 Somehow that was avoided in the most recent S5 finale's Nightmare Moon timeline. I think even Nightmare Moon didn't intend to kill anypony. The legend of the royal sisters made Luna seem lonely after all, not murderous, but I can respect other headcanons.

6810107 The Rock/Maude is a ship I've wanted to write for some time now. It would have to include sufficient rock-related puns, though, and I don't know whether I'm that driven.

I've actually been sitting on this idea, but you did it better! This was pretty funny.

Now for the Conversion Burrito...

Interesting concept, but a bit lacking in some of the execution. Might be connected to me being from Europe and not really knowing half of the people you went on about though.
In the end I was amused which is the best reaction I ever had to a TCB story.

6807937 Yes please. I've been waiting since forever for someone to make a serious take at the TCB prompt and then not run it into the ground by making Celestia follow some stupid arbitrary scheme to enslave humantiy.


It was a long butt time ago, but if I remember the old dA Q&As with Lauren Faust, NMM was intended to be a world-ending threat. As well as a separate entity possessing Luna and enhancing her own negativity and ambitions. Seems the comics ran with Faust's original idea that Hasbro cut for time and content.

Considering it was cut partially for content back in episode 1-2, it's no surprise that it wouldn't contain that content in the finale, even though oddly enough they also had a future where it was a completely dead world and the lighting suggested perhaps both princesses were kaput.

6810195 derpicdn.net/img/2015/6/23/922609/thumb.png
6810259 Thanks! It's harder for me to write comedy generally, but I'm glad it managed to work out in this story.

6810785 Interesting! I'd love to see that Q&A. I was somehow under the impression that Faust thought Nightmare Moon was not possessed like in the comics, but instead decided that the opening illustrated legend was more accurate. When I first saw the pilot episodes, I did get the impression that NMM wanted world extinction, in any case.


I would like it if you did, since it seemed to have slipped my mind when I made the prompt.

Here I was, making an awful pun of a prompt, not realising the dramatic potential it had.

You have my blessing, sir/madam.

Maud's smile didn't fade, and she leaned closer, her stony blue eyes half-lidded, whether with apathy or interest, only context might tell. “Would she like to see a show with you and a small pony?”

:raritydespair: Oh God.

The man stayed silent for a long time until, finally, inhaling, he began to speak. “When I was little, I had a friend …”

Wait... Did you just use Fred Phelps in a My Little Pony fanfic? Fucking hell that's hilarious.

You know, now I'm pictring Humanity's reponse to the Wendigos.... "So, as long as we keep hating each other and fghting, evil creatures of ice and malice will try to freeze the world? SWEET! Looks like we've got a solution to global warming!" :raritywink:

"Snowcones for everyone!"

6812786 A different Christian leader, actually. Fred Phelps has passed, or I might have considered using him instead. Warren Jeffs fits the Starlight Glimmer "I had a friend" line better anyway.

Fair enough, then. I admit, I don't really stay updated on crazy cult leaders all that well. :rainbowlaugh: I think the stuff could have applied to Phelps just as well, though. It might have been set a little in the past, after all.

6813197 Jeffs had a name in papers well before Westboro did, but he's since fallen into obscurity, so I'm not surprised if many don't get who he is. He's a polygamist convict now.

6809011 6812474 Can someone pleas explain what the The Conversion Bureau, I have seen it mentioned so often but never realy got into reading any of the storys.

My understanding is that most of those stories are alternate "takes" on the concept -- less genocidey-type stuff. But maybe they have a folder just for parodies, I don't know. (I didn't look.)

Here's everything you need to know:

I passed this over so many times because I kept misreading "Conversation" as "Conversion". I think this needed a little more polish and a bit more expansion, but it made me chuckle (especially Maud's scene). So, upvote from me :pinkiesmile:

Wait, what the hell was up with that ending? Was it all a dream? Does the ten years later skip mean that Twilight was dreaming for a decade?

6819367 Thanks for reading and commenting! I can always apply suggestions to future projects. I admit this story was more for fun and to get through my stump, but I still might polish it.

6842997 Yup. I was being intentionally terrible with that ending.

6845402 :twilightblush: I guess because I hoped it would be taken as sort of a gag and thought I could get away with being lazy. I had a deadline to meet and was happy I'd just made it to the required length, but I wouldn't mind rewriting it now that I've met the deadline. What kind of ending do you think would work well?

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