• Member Since 18th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen Tuesday

Azin


Music maker, stoner, game dev, amateur writer, hardcore gamer. Music is the rhythm of life. Let the melody guide you.

Comments ( 104 )

Alright, I got got out of bed and turned on my computer for this so you better be thankful.

*cracks neck*

OK, so far you do a good job structurally. No outstanding errors grammar wise and the story flows nicely from one sentence to another.

Pacing is much too fast, in my opinion. I would've set one chapter just to his life and describe his relationship with his parents where he's headed ect. This would've given us time to form bonds with the character and know the ins and outs of what he is leaving behind after he is displaced. From there you could line up the crash and cut the chapter off. The following chapter could be devoted to his surroundings and where he wakes up, maybe have him go into mild panic when he can't find the car that he'd been thrown from. Then he could stumble across the manti carcass.

The chase was well written, and easy to follow so good job there. Same with hiding in the cave

I will toss in the caveat that him breaking down after fighting the wolf isn't the best idea, wolves are pack hunters and he should've made the connection there and checked for further threats.

Now, plot wise I've noticed quite a few things that don't quite line up.

the blade was about ten inches in length and seemed to be made of a silver coloured metal that gleamed softly with the little bit of light that came into the cave.

Ten inches is a glorified dagger.

Not even kidding, a good sword is about 3ft for single handed sword and since no pony would be able to handle a human long-sword 3ft would be good considering that it would probably be a pony long sword to fit the unicorn knight's status.

Also, sword too OP plz nerf. Balance its ability with equal downsides. Maybe it's bound to its owner and it compels him to follow orders and draws on his strength for magical power, or limit its power to a certain degree like it can only do so much before it runs out of juice. That could be expanded upon by having it charge quickly in sunlight due to its namesake, and the voice fall dormant after the charge is depleted. Both options give you lots of room to make the sword incredibly strong since it has a predetermined limit.

Anyway, good start some tweaks here and there and you be chugging along just fine without being ridiculed by the Gary Stu haters and the OP Police.

Star Schmucks -- nice touch.

You had my interest with the description *reads first chapter*

Now you have my attention:rainbowdetermined2:

7722833

the blade was about ten inches in length and seemed to be made of a silver coloured metal that gleamed softly with the little bit of light that came into the cave.
Ten inches is a glorified dagger.

Remember that by most head cannons, the average pony is small. Most put the pony head height at human crotch level. So your talking about a large dog just a little bit larger than a german shepherd. Personally I would have made it 15 inches myself. I think that would be closer to a standard european sword. 10 inches doesn't take this weapon out of the category of sword , because the roman gladius was quite short as swords go. placing a gladius next to a average european sword and you will see a startling difference in lengths.

7722833 Everything that is a bit uncommon when compare to IRL and people scream OP pls NERF these days...
It's getting really annoying...
But considering we are in a MAGICAL WORLD. This thing doesn't even rate in the strange or abnormal 'o' meter.
And considering the implications. It's a SOUL of another living Sapient being. It shouldn't be common, It shouldn't be ordinary, it shouldn't be low level stuff,..That is just disrespectful.
Beside, there can't be anything extraordinary happens if there is nothing extraordinary to begin with.
I'm thinking it should be more along the line of adventure game lvl up if you are a stickler for balance and shits.
Level up, and gain power or "become more intune" with the weapon (and the soul) to fight greater foes.
7723371
Roman Gladius:
_Length 60–85 cm (24–33 in)
_Blade length 45–68 cm (1.48–2.23 ft)
10 inches (25.4cm) IS a glorified dagger.

7722833 Good to hear that there aren't any glaringly obvious mistakes so far, doesn't hurt that I used to proofread fanfiction. Ill likely write chapters in between the main story that describes his life before his sudden and involuntary vacation trip.

Now, the sword is short for two reasons, one of which will be explained in a later chapter. The first reason is because as 7723371 points out, ponies are quite small. He has the proportions that I want to use correct. Head of pony up to waist of human. Smaller species, smaller weapon. Now for the sword's abilities, it does have some planned downsides. I cant give away too many details about it at the moment without giving spoilers for later chapters, but rest assured that it isn't anything too overpowered and that this is a one time thing.

7723627 Thats similar to what i'm planning to do. Once again, cant go into any real details, but its supposed to balance out overall.

7722856 Glad to hear it! :pinkiehappy:

7723905 A man with a plan, I like you. I like the scale the ponies up to about 4' because being 6'5" myself I don't like to have to worry about stepping on one.

7723905 I'm still not particularly happy with the size of the dagger...But ok. We will see. I hope this story can keep me interested.
Though, my dirty mind has just now woken up and comes up with dirty implications about swords and compensations... Implications that point to the fact that the bigger the sword is, the bigger the compensation...And here we have a small dagger...
I am so sorry about this.
But I need to get this out of my mind.

Had my interest secured with the cover art. I'll give this a read.

EDIT-Finished reading. And I like it. Keep it up!

Comment posted by truekry deleted Nov 16th, 2016
Comment posted by Azin deleted Nov 16th, 2016
Comment posted by truekry deleted Nov 16th, 2016
Comment posted by Azin deleted Nov 16th, 2016
Comment posted by Azin deleted Nov 16th, 2016
Comment posted by truekry deleted Nov 16th, 2016
Comment posted by Azin deleted Nov 16th, 2016

Hi just wondering when the next chapter is gonna be out.......:fluttershyouch:

7770653 Not sure as of yet. I tend to write in bursts and take breaks to think and plan scenes out, so it could be a while longer.

Its good to hear that you are looking forward to the next chapter though! Im glad you are enjoying it!

wow! like this so far! it feels like a epic quest has begun!

AWESOME STORY!!!

Keep going.

Wow just wow this story is amazing.

7723934

7722833

7723371

After quite a lot of consideration, i have come to the realization than even for 3 foot tall equines with magic, 10 inches is still too small. Changed it to 14 inches, which despite being small, is still closer to a sword in length and more useful for combat.

Do you have an idea of when the next chapter will be released? I really like what I've read so far.

8930893
Not 100% sure, but i swear to all that is holy that it wont take as long as the previous chapter.

8930911
I’d hope so lol
2 years is a long time to wait XD

Two cliffhangers in a row... oof.

I'm liking what I'm seeing so far, so keep it up!

8934890
What can i say? Its a talent. Gotta leave people wanting to know what happens next

Hmm... This is good. I'm impressed.

8935780
Thanks! Im glad to hear that you are enjoying the story!

8935808
It's almost like that new fic I made but my main character is a dwarf.

This is getting pretty good.

One style point:

The white unicorn was wearing a pair of brown saddlebags that had her cutie mark of a blue trio of diamonds emblazoned on it.

Personally, I would have written it : trio of blue diamonds . But that's just me and my observations of Twilight's patterns.

8936150
Thanks for pointing that out! I was rather sleep deprived when i wrote this, haha

Thank you for the watch as well!

I just got caught up with your series so far. I really like it. I do hope to see more in the feature.

8936602
Im glad to hear that you're enjoying the story so far!

This is an excellent story you have set up here! My only regret is that there is no more chapters right at the moment. I'll be eagerly awaiting the next chapter. Keep up the great work you have here. :twilightsmile:

8948386
Thanks! Im glad to hear that you're enjoying the story so far! Next chapter shouldnt take much longer!

Where's the second chapter?

8951904
Thanks for catching that! I dont know what happened there, but chapter 2 is back now!

Another nice chapter! Looking forward to more!

8956322
Thanks! Im glad to hear it!

A -5 for the "pony attacks human and thinks the other pony is under mind control cliche," but a +2 for wrapping it up quickly without anyone getting stupidly hurt.

Still looking forward to what awaits next chapter!

8956399
Thanks!

Yeah, I wanted to create a tense atmosphere without outright resorting to violence, since Liam isn't supposed to be anything like a villain here. The only reason Twilight jumped to the conclusion that Liam did something to Celestia is because she felt multiple strong spells being cast, including spells cast by Celestia. She finds an unknown creature with a weapon next to her mentor and he is way too comfortable with her for Twilight's liking, so in her panicked and sleep deprived state, she jumped to the wrong conclusion, but backed down when evidence disproved her initial theory. It felt in character for her, but i still dislike using cliches, even if they can be used to help push the story along. Ill try not to make a habit of it, thats for sure

8956452
Yeah, your story has done this cliche the best from what I've seen. There is a lot more thought and logic behind it, and it doesn't make Twilight irredeemable/unlikable.

8956801
Im glad to hear it! I must say i agree that most stories use it as an excuse to make Twilight a massive jerk to the human, and i desperately wanted to avoid that. I spent more time on that than any other part of that chapter, so im glad it turned out the way it did.

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