• Member Since 4th May, 2020
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Creative Delight

Just trying to be a Creative Delight for you guys. Creativity starts with one wish, the wish to make, being it a painting, a story, or a building. It all still comes from a wish, a wish to make

Comments ( 24 )

just started reading this and this is going to be interesting can't wait to read more

Will be trying to work on this the best as I can, as well as my other story.

Looking forward to seeing where this goes, good luck and have a good one.

I to can’t wait to see where I take this next and thank you. have a delightful day and night.

Firstly I gotta say, I really like that art.

Secondly, and I say it with all the kindness I can, that this needs some work. (I'm going to be giving you pointers not just tearing into your story, I really just wanna help. :D (I'll underline the suggestions))

The story concept itself is solid: Twilight finds out she has this voice that was suppressed because of memory suppression, and she got both from this evil group who kidnapped her when she was younger. There is a lot you can do with that, as far as story and character interaction between Twi and Evenfall (is that meant to be Evening Fall? or is Evenfall just a shortened version? I'm not sure about that)Either way, it's a good idea and I like it.

Your writing itself is what seems to be the trouble. Firstly, there are a lot of words that are wrong but won't be spotted by spellcheck, for instance, there was a spot where you wrote 'train', instead of 'strain' and one where you accidentally wrote 'once' instead of 'one's' I would definitely recommend you give your chapters a long re-read before you publish them to make sure you spot those simple mistakes we all make while writing

Secondly, I'm not incredibly skilled with tenses, or with really any advanced grammatical functions, but I kept reading sentences where the tenses of it were making it hard to read. Seeing 'has' in place of 'had' a bunch of times was kind of weird. This is really just a practice thing that you can get better at by remembering before you write when events are taking place, generally go with the past tense for most situations in the story here. Outside of the flashbacks to when Twi was being captured, and the conversation with the voice in her head. A technique I try is imagining the full scene in my mind before writing it, vomiting all the words out, then going back and making checks and being sure that everything is grammatically correct (Which helps me not mess up my tenses, but occasionally messes up my spelling skills)

Thirdly, you seem to be having trouble with what I would call flow. You seem to write a lot of, sort of robotic phrases like:

Twilight has been Celestia's Student for almost a year now, she was really happy, she loved and respected her mentor.
Twilight was on her way to the castle, she had a big test coming up but for Twilight every test was a big thing.

While these are technically describing things, this seems more like you're just bullet pointing information instead of actually writing about what's going on. Look at this in comparison:

It had been almost a year since the day since Princess Celestia took Twilight as her student, and Since then Twilight and Celestia had gotten quite attached to each other, Twilight's new mentor acting as a sort of surrogate mother, rather than a teacher. Right now, Twilight was currently heading towards the castle for her Teacher to give her a test on Jayponese literature, which may not have been the most important subject, but this is Twilight, and every test is a big deal to her.

I may not be a great writer, but can you see how rather than having bullet-pointed ideas, the thoughts flow from one to the other? Work on having your similar ideas connect. If you're describing something with more than one sentence, try and make the ideas at the end of the first sentence be similar to the ideas at the beginning of the second sentence. A secondary condition is to replace descriptive feelings or details with a generalized thing so that people will intuitivly know what you mean, instead of saying that Twilight loved and respected Celestia I related their relationship to how a child would view their mother, love and respect is included there, do you see what I mean? Have it flow

A similarly problem here:

Twilight Woke up with a startle, it was hard for her to see where she was. She knew she was not in Cupcake’s house anymore and that scared her.

There are several issues here with random words being wrong, and again the bullet pointing of descriptions, but what I want to mention here is your use of or lack of vocabulary.

Twilight's eyes popped open as she was roused from her sudden slumber with a startle, her vision straining to adjust to the darkness that bombarded her from all sides. A mix of unease and fear began to rise in her chest as she realized she was definitely not in Cupcake's house anymore.

This problem seems to be a mixture of not knowing how to link ideas together in a string of descriptive sentences, as well as not having 'flourishes'. You see I could have written:

Twilight's eyes opened as she was awakened from her slumber with a startle, her vision trying to adjust to the darkness.

Which still describes the scene, but there are no 'flourishes'. There isn't any flavor to that, it is just a description. Which is fine in it of itself, but when paired with the bullet point descriptions, it get's really clunky and hard to read. Try throwing in words that make you feel things: bombarding, popped, roused, straining are the ones I used above. Simply using certain vocabulary can really bring to life what you're writing, practice throwing in relevant words to use that to it's fullest, even just randomly vomiting words onto the page may accidentally help you come up with an idea.

Outside of those, there are just a couple of spelling mistakes that you'll simply get better with the more you write.

I really hope you keep writing this, because I wanna see where it goes, but I won't be leaving any more comments like this, don't worry. This is the only one of it's kind. If you would however like it if I picked out random words or things that I think you could change, I'd love to help in any way I can.

Good luck writing, I wish you well.


When Twilight was little she was kidnapped but have no memory of it ever happening, but she remembers now. What did happen, and how did she find out, and why was in covert up. Maybe the voice in her head can help

I see you got the long description looking good but the short description needs some work.

When Twilight was little she was kidnapped but has no memory of it ever happening, but she remembers now. What happened, how did she find out, and why was it covered up? Maybe the voice in her head can help.

I say this because it was the first thing I saw of this story and it was not flattering.

Yeah I can see that i need to work on that. Thanks.

I am so happy for your comment. It means a lot to me that you took your time on this story to write that comment.

Evenfall Glow is just other words for Twilight Sparkle as well as Evenfall sounds a little mysteries at least that is what I think.

I can say first that English is not my first language and I know that I have not that many complex words in my vocabulary as I wish I had.
I can also say that I will re-read it and edit it in the next few days where I will be working on the next chapter for both of my stories.

I agree with you now that I can see the errors, even when I looked it over I should maybe not only have looked over the Grammarly but also the way it was put together. I will change this in the future and I can only say that writing stories have only made me evolve for the better I am still having a hard time as I am not good with these I kind flows.

I know I lack vocabulary and that is not an excuse but more of a statement, most of my English is self-taught and all the advanced grammar was not taught to me in school so I don't know all the meaning in the words or where to use them.

I will like to ask if you wanna be an editor to future chapters of this story maybe I can even learn more things from you.

I'm glad you found it helpful.

And of course, you'll get better and better the more you write, especially with the English language, it takes years of practice to get it down. I mean, people whose first language is English take 12+ years of English classes, and still can't properly understand certain aspects of the nonsense that is the English language.

While I can't commit to becoming an editor (college classes and whatnot) I'll be able to leave comments on specific areas in the chapters that I think need to be tweaked the most.

You certainly have my support and encouragement. :twilightsmile:


Personally I’m not sure on the usage of colours. With Evenfall I think you can make it work since he’s different to a normal pony, but with Twilight I think the colours should be dropped. You aren’t using colours for anyone else, and so it seems odd that Twilight gets it.

Also in the note of colours, Twilight’s is a fine colour to use, but Evenfall’s needs to be changed. If you were to switch to dark mode you’ll see that the dark purple text is a bit difficult to read against the dark background. If you do choose to have Twilight not use coloured text then you can just give Evenfall Twilight’s colour, though if you want to keep the coloured text for both then you need to change Evenfall’s colour to something a bit lighter.

I will think about it when I decide to re-edit it, but I can read it just find with out any problem, being it phone or pc. But I will consider it have a nice day.

Good work. There are a lot of missing words as well some typos. Looking forward for more. Also, colored text often clash with dark backgrounds

I know and will be doing some editing on it just before I am done with/post chapter 2.

Glad you like it though and I will be working hard on this story or at least try to, will be giving it my best.

Welcome back, I'm glad that you're doing alright and here's hoping you get better.

I've always liked this back seater in someones mind, sadly it isn't used enough, can't wait to see what you've got in store.. :twilightsmile:

Thank you for the welcome back. I am also glad to be back, as I have a lot of ideas for the story.

The world is certainly having a time right now. Glad you're doing alright.

And can I just say, there is a huge amount of improvement in your writing. There are still some weird sentences, and I noticed a lot of capitalization issues but you've done fantastically with this.

“what in Tartarus is that thing” exclaimed Twilight in both surprise and fear from seeing the giant unknown creature. A creature she hase never seen before. “Evenfall, do you what that creature is?” Asked Twilight Evenfall.

“No, I do not. We need to find Spike fast so he can send a letter to Celestia about this.”

Trying to find Spike in all this chaos was not easy. Every time the monster roared, Twilight was terrifying as she has never seen or heard anything like it.

The monster was as big as a house looked like a giant spider but with both spikes coming out of it as having fewer legs as one.

This was the only large problem point in the whole story, and I did a quick fix on the first paragraph as an example.

“What in Tartarus is that thing!” exclaimed Twilight in both surprise and fear from seeing the giant unknown creature. “Evenfall, do you know what that creature is?”

The 'W' at the beginning of what should be capitalized, and I removed the "A creature she has never seen before." because by describing the thing as a "giant unknown creature", it's implied that she hasn't seen it before, and the extra sentence is a little clunky. I also removed the "asked Twilight Evenfall" because I didn't think it was necessary. A new paragraph wasn't started which meant it was still Twilight talking, and by the question mark, you know she's asking a question, and because the line references who she's talking to, well, I didn't think it was required. Unless "Twilight Evenfall" was meant to be a reference between the fact that the two characters are one in the same, in that case, it does have importance and can be left in. I also added 'know' into her question because it seemed like it fit there.

Outside of those couple of paragraphs (which still showed a great amount of improvement by the way), this chapter as a whole shows great progress. Keep writing, keep getting better. You're already on your way to becoming a great writer.


Glad to see that you are ok too. For most of the improvements, you can thank Grammarly Premium. It is a big help. Sometimes I think faster than I write, and that is why some words end up missing. But thank you for helping me out. I did an edit on the last chapter. Heeding your advice from last time and getting help from Grammarly Premium. Thank you very much, I wish you the best of health and good luck. Gonna fix it now.

Thanks, I will. you have a great day, noon, even or night.

it’s not dead. it’s more that I am dead. mental problem.

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