i - Why is the Earth Flat?
Rainbow Dash glanced down at her saddlebag, letting a monotonous sigh out as she looked over the bunch of rolled up maps poking out from the sack. With a look of profound determination, she lifted her hoof and knocked on the door.
“This is a public library, ya know. There’s no need to knock,” Twilight said from inside.
“Aha…hehe, right…” Rainbow pushed through the Golden Oak Library’s front door and made her way over toward Twilight’s desk, then placed her saddlebag on it.
“What's this about, Dash?” Twilight asked, placing a hoof to her chin, her curiosity at its peak. “Why did you bring a whole bunch of maps?”
“I, uh…” Rainbow scratched the back of her mane and looked off to one side. I shoulda prepared for this….
“You all right there, Rainbow Dash? You seem…off and you’re acting weird,” Twilight said.
“Yeah, yeah. I actually just wanted to ask you something.” Rainbow slid the bag out of her reach and grabbed the rolled-up scrolls with her teeth, setting them down. She was unrolling them on the desk, unfurling and ridding their creases. “What the heck is this?”
Twilight looked genuinely confused. “Uh…what exactly do you mean?”
Rainbow was aimlessly flailing her hooves around, while hovering lowly in the air. “Are you blind, woman?”
“Oh, don’t patronize me. What in Celestia’s green Earth are you talking about?”
Rainbow clapped. “Yes! Earth! Why the hell is the Earth flat?”
Twilight flinched, and it looked like she was going to have a heart attack or seizure, or even a stroke for hearing such a filthy, ridiculous question. “…What? Are you serious? Are you asking me why the Earth is flat?”
“No, I’m asking you why the Earth is triangular,” Rainbow said.
Twilight’s eyes started to twitch, and her face jerked. “The Earth is not flat, Rainbow. It’s round. A sphere. You know? Like a ball?”
“Pfft, no it’s not. Look, Twi”—Rainbow poked the maps—“Do they look round to you?”
Twilight grunted. “Oh, for Pete’s Sake!” Twilight had just about enough. “Those are called globes!”
“Then why aren’t all maps globes? And are you saying these maps are globes? That’s only making me look more right, Twi.”
Twilight blinked. “…What?”
“Why aren’t all maps globes?”
Twilight breathed deeply in her hooves. She sat down on the nearby stool and reevaluated the situation, before examining the maps Rainbow had brought. “Okay…let me get this straight…You’re asking me why the Earth is flat because you believe maps are dictating the geometry of the world?”
“Well, duh,” Rainbow said. “Even a yahoo could’ve figured that out.”
“Is that suppose to be a clever retort? From someone who’s asking me why the world is flat, that isn’t exactly clever. Plus, why is it when you fly really, really high and fast, you start to see a curve?”
“It’s…uh…because magic? And, hey, I got a question then. How is that everywhere we look outside, we only see flatness? There’s edges we can fall off ya, know. I don’t know if you can fall off a sphere or whatever it was you said earlier.”
Frustration and disbelief trickled through Twilight’s very veins, and her blood began to boil, thanks to the rippling effect of stupid she had caught when Rainbow spoke upon entering the place. “Because when an object has the gravity to pull itself into a sphere, it’s called hydrostatic equilibrium. That’s why the Earth is round, not flat!” Twilight found herself off her stool, and she was waving her hooves around to emphasize her point.
“Oh, c’mon Twi,” Rainbow said, stealing Twilight’s seat. “You’re overreacting because you know I’m right. Admit it. You hate being wrong. Just admit that the world is flat.”
Oh, Celestia, please tell me this is merely a silly prank. Or an act…I just can’t…Ugh.
“Whatcha thinking, Twi?”
“Okay, so let me get this straight,” Twilight said, taking a moment to catch her breath.
“I’m listening.” Rainbow had a cheeky smirk plastered on her face.
“Okay…so you’re perfectly fine with the moon, the sun, and the stars being round, but you’re not okay with Earth being round too?”
Rainbow brought a hoof to her chin and began thinking intuitively and carefully. “Hmm…never thought of that, actually. They’re flat too right?”
Twilight was on the verge of having a legitimate, mental breakdown. She was ready to be put in a straitjacket and put in a padded cell so she could knock all the stupidity out of her from her mind. Or better yet, she could do that to Rainbow Dash….
“Hey, Twilight, can you do something for me?”
“Oh, like what? Knock the stupid out of you? Sure thing.”
“What? No! That’s not what I was going to ask you at all. I wanted to ask you if you could take me to Celestia and Luna. I want to ask them something.”
Now what in the world could she ask…oh. Hehe.
“Sure thing, Rainbow Dash. Let’s go.”
⁂
The Canterlot Castle was experiencing business as usual. Celestia and Luna were sitting on their thrones, drinking coffee, and talking about fresh nonsense.
Luna, in particular, was peering with intense focus at the bagel she was buttering, but she gave a lazy roll of her eyes as she spoke; “…I’m just saying, their first album was much better than their second—”
“Luna! Don't even finish that!’ Celestia said. “Do you wish to start a civil war?”
“No, not all. I’m just—”
An uproarious eruption bust through the large doors, and Rainbow zoomed past the guards. Twilight stumbled in, but recovered to her hooves and flew toward her mentor. “Princess Celestia, I apologize about this ruckus.”
“Nonsense,” Celestia said. “You’re just in time for coffee.”
“And bagels too, if you can butter them correctly,” Luna said, savagely spreading an excessive amount of butter on her own bagel.
“Goodness, Luna, you’re going to give yourself a heart attack! Plus, you’re looking a bit chubby around the waist.”
“Tia! Not when we have guests.”
“My apology, Twilight and Rainbow Dash. How can I be of assistance?”
“Well, it’s a long story, but basically Rainbow Dash believes the Earth is flat and not round and she has come to ask you if the sun, the moon, and the stars are flat too.”
“Is this true, young one?” Luna asked Rainbow Dash.
“Yes,” Rainbow said. “I have proof that the Earth is flat! You know what maps are, right? What’s the deal with that? Maps show the Earth, yes?” Rainbow was flying around and making all sorts of motions with her hooves, just to further augment her point. “So that must mean the Earth is too! And that means the sun and moon and stars are flat too. But I have to ask. How do you make them look round?”
Celestia and Luna were sat there with their mouths agape. Luna had subconsciously dropped her hard spreaded buttered-bagel, and Celestia had dropped her coffee cup. “I’m sorry, Little Pony. Did you just ask us if the sun, the moon, and the stars are flat?” Celestia asked.
“That I did. So tell me, how is it you make them look round?”
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I will certainly be reading this soon, as it looks very cute.
I just noticed this:
Aren't those essentially the same verb? It just sounded off for her to be 'at least' doing the same thing.
7490323
Thanks.
I corrected it.
~Lunatone
This is just like real life when people still think the earth is flat.
The Flat-Earthers
And the Flat Earthers Society.
Look them up.
Like just... wow
I don't think I've ever seen a rendition of Rainbow Dash this stupid before. She's not even this dumb in canon. But it's a well-written stupid, which makes it enjoyable in a WTF sort of way.
Aww, chubby little Woona.
Nice story, although I feel like it could have been explored a bit more. Maybe let Rainbow Dash figure it out for herself? I was actually hoping Twilight would knock some sense into her.
And you're cover art is so so cute!
7490358 Those people are evolutionary failures. Or just dumbasses. Either way the mention of them makes me want to bitch slap someone since their arguments work on the basis that they can make yours useless by saying, "That's just what you're supposed to think." Yes, you are. Because it's what's correct!! Or they just outright dismiss it. That's not how an argument works!! They only are tolerated like that by people under the age of 6!!
7490372
I'm honestly thinking about marking this story incomplete. I can always come up with more silliness.
~Lunatone
7490422
Yeah, that would be awesome
7490422 DO IT.
I'm not even sure if Rainbow Dash being an idiot is canon. I like the idea of having the stupid being beaten outta her, though. My disdain for her is quickly starting to evolve into hatred.
sprites and cubemaps
Isn't that supposed to be flat? Sorry if that sounded rude.
7490901
Lol that didn't sound rude at all. You just found a clumsy mistake of mine.
Thanks!
~Lunatone
There is another kind of Dash??!
Huh, who knew?
7491687
Haha, I guess there is.
~Lunatone
7490409
Technically in a race that thrives on intelligence dumbasses are kinda evolutionary failures if you think about it. Course the fact that morons also tend to reproduce at a higher rate does throw the question of whether or not dumbasses are evolutionary failures into a serious discussion. Of course said dumbasses themselves can't contribute much to the conversation, but still it is an interesting thought puzzle.
I've always had the head canon that Luna and Celestia just think they manipulate the heavenly bodies but are actually controlling time in relation to the position of the Earth/whatever planet they are on...
I now have the strong urge to hit someone in the face.
7491758 I mean depending on how you look at it. They're good for just keeping the population up, but bad for progress and they sort of slow it down. We have AIs right now, they're just mostly used in research and by the stock exchange. People could be crowd funding research on that or genetic modification that could be used to eradicate horrible diseases and push the human race forward, but instead they're doing it for celebrities!! The people who already have all the money they would ever need! Just... Why?!
7490323
7490329
Well... In modern language, it's kinda yes, kinda no. You can attempt to try something, and you can try to attempt something. It's weird I know, but hey.
7492310
Technically pushing AI work would allow us to do the genetic engineering. It would help calculate all the necessary information on top of leaving the door open for machine neural interface. AIs would really push that forward. But yeah, people are stupid. "A celebrity said that vaccines gave her child autism so vaccines are evil". Despite the fact that the kid didn't have autism, that is completely debunked by science, and now that people are vaccinating diseases that we almost got rid of are making a resurgence and killing children. I really find stupid people annoying.
7492867 Well technically they're right. Their children are less likely to be autistic because they're more likely to be dead. And I think a supercomputer could analyze someone entire genome encode the gene(s) to C.R.I.S.P.R. (This explains it better than I can.) and send it in.
7491357
You're welcome!
Rainbow Dash is even more smart than TFS Goku.
Welp.
I face-desked. But said face has a smile on it.
Good job.
This was hilarious. Have a like.
Eh, she's still smarter than Milo Stewart so it's fair game.
7499446
LOL
You did not just make that joke. LOOOOL
LeafyIsHere roasted that insane YouTuber.
Not going to lie, she is really fking dumb.
~Lunatone
7499526 She makes idiots like me look like Einsteins.
7499579
Nah, you're not dumb.
Don't put yourself down like that.
~Lunatone
7500606
Thank you!
~Lunatone
This is all easy to resolve. Just send Rainbow Dash to the moon. From there, she will be able to see the planet is round, and from its smaller size, will still be able to see that the moon is round as well.
This should be Rainbow Dash glanced down at her saddlebag, letting a monotonous sigh out as she looked over the bunch of rolled up maps poking out from the sack.
BEST STUPID FIC EVER!!!!!
flawless victory!
stupidity wins!
woot!
The only thing missing was someone actually trying to hit her.
It's a good thing nobody in real life is that stupid.
In real life, people find things that can't be proven one way or another
...and concentrate their stupidity there.
7533091 what about the peiple that DO think the earth is flat... or hollow
7539107
Eh... Can't say. I've never met one.
If this is a prank, Rainbow Dash...it's fallen flat...
Needs a sequel with Twilight actually knocking the stupid out of her.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
15:39_11/3/2016
7533091 Tell that to Flat Earthers. Sure, I'd like to think that MOST of them are in the flat earth society for the lolz, but, well...some people are legitimately that stupid.
7490367
Well written stupid, yes.
But it still had me cringing as though I was watching that Wonderbolt Dash episode.
7490422
Oh... no.... Please no. Are you trying to kill us?
Lol, nice story. You done stupid good.