• Member Since 7th Mar, 2012
  • offline last seen 10 hours ago

NeonEclipse


20 years old. Loves mlp fanfiction of all types(mostly shipping).

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Behind her calm and happy mask Celestia is a lonely alicorn. Once betrayed by a past love she has resigned herself to be alone forever.

But when a new love in the form of an old student is presented can Celestia let go of her sad past and take hold of a happier future?

And will the events happening around her be enough to make her realize that happiness has always been within her grasp.

Twilestia Shipping

Chapters (7)
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Comments ( 377 )

Good Shit...
Fav and tracking

Hmm. Interesting. There's definitely room for improvement; I noticed a fair few spelling/grammatical errors throughout, but not many of them detracted from the story. I'd suggest getting a proofreader to remove those - start by looking at the "Proofreaders and people willing to proof-read" group and asking someone.

As for the story itself, I do love me my Twilestia, but I'll hold off giving a definite opinion for now. If you can get rid of the mistakes and keep up the intrigue, I'm sure this'll be fine.

I agree with the commenter above; it's a story with good potential and so I'll follow it, but it could really use a good polish.

It was cool to see that you had decided to take up the ol' pen and give a story of your own a go. This story is really promising as it stands and has a wonderful Premise.

The whole betrayal scene was great, though I feel it could have been played out better with a little mystery. Like having Celestia remember the words that were said here and there, and as the story goes on the picture gets painted more and more until it's fully revealed in some moment of emotional weakness etc. Still though, you drew up a very emotionally in-depth storyline for your first story, which most have trouble doing. So, Bravo!

I'll be tracking this to see where you take it. :twistnerd:

Some examples of what those commentors meant about polishing it off:

The blue alicorn secretly wondered if it was her fault that her sister bad dreams. The blue alicorn secretly wondered if it was her fault that her sister had bad dreams.

Luna mental shook herself. Luna mentally shook herself.

“Hello Princess Luna I suppose you'll be having the usually this morning?” ]“Hello Princess Luna I suppose you'll be having the usual this morning?”

Most inventive and well written for a first timer, added to the fact that it's Twilestia makes it an instant fave for me. :twilightsmile:

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thank you all :twilightsmile:

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761421
Yeah I actually had to go over it myself for errors. I guess I missed a couple :twilightblush:

761506
Thanks for pointing out some of the errors in the story, I went ahead and fixed them. I'll do my best to keep the story interesting and not disappoint :rainbowdetermined2:

So far this is well written and I have a soft spot in my heart for twilestia. Keep up the good work and if you find yourself in the market for a pre-reader or and editor I'd be glad to help.

Cool. I quite like it and I look forward to reading more. My only real complaint at this point is the proliferation of the word Thou. Thous isn't really a thing. I think it would be Thine, or something like that. The Royal We is fine if a bit inconsistent, but Luna's use of the word Thou everywhere sounds weird. Especially if she's taken actual speaking lessons. I figure those would cover more than just volume.

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nerddogueto.com.br/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/i-know-that-feel-bro.jpg

I think we all have a soft spot for twilestia :ajsmug:

Also I'll keep that in mind if I find myself in need of an editor :coolphoto:

763478
Yeah, getting Luna's lines to work using 'The royal we' was a bit hard to do but I wanted to have her speak using it at least a little bit. I mean, its part of what makes Luna Luna :eeyup:

Anyway I'll try to improve on that when I write her next lines. Thanks for the feedback :twilightsmile:

"It will be a three day trip and we would like to not be late for our meeting with the griffin ambassador.” Watch out for dem numbers :rainbowlaugh:
Fantastic job at capturing and keeping my attention. Keep it up as I will be tracking this. :twilightsmile:

im feeling very exited for this story and i love it already i hope to see more from you soon :D:pinkiehappy:

I enjoyed it, not to mention its a Twilestia that I haven't read. I'd say more... But, as everyone has said, all you need to do is polish the grammar and such. Other then that... -Thumbs up- Good for a first!

Nice start for a fanfic. I will continue to read in the future! :pinkiesmile:

764821
I have no idea how I missed that :facehoof:
thanks though

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thanks, I'll do my best to get the next chapter up soon

i always like a good twilight and celestia story and this is one of them :trixieshiftleft::trixieshiftright:

Interested in seeing where this will go. :twilightsmile:

Noticed a few typos, though:

>“Your a monster!” Sunshine shouted.
"You are a monster", so "you're" is correct here.

>“Of coarse your majesty.” The servant bowed deeply and left.
coarse = rough. You want "of course".
Might want to do a CTRL-F on this, there's a few instances. :twilightsheepish:

There's potential here, but there's also painfully forced exposition and a serious lack of subtlety.
For a romantic story, that's really bad.
For a first it's ok, but it doesn't make me want to read more.

Cheers

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I am glad you liked it :pinkiehappy:

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ah I did miss those. I'll make sure to go back and fix them later

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I'm sorry that you feel that way.
4.bp.blogspot.com/-yc1zqFq3A8g/Tyrmajmf0uI/AAAAAAAADdI/Nqvg3hX_UEc/s1600/derpy___sad_by_cptofthefriendship-d4no131.png
I'll try harder. I promise.

785572
Hey, it's ok. Like I said, it does have potential, I wouldn't have said anything otherwise.

But seriously, that dream sequenz just isn't a good Idea. You wasted a perfectly good reveal right there. Hell, more than just one!
Besides, he just seemed so exaggeratly evil, doesn't fit the tone of the show.

My advice is, get someone to smack you when you write something stupid, and who catches at least some typos.

Cheers

Good and sweet chapter. I can't wait to hear about Celestia and Twilight's days alone. Twilestia is my favourite pairing next to Discolight and Fluttermac!
:twilightsmile::heart::trollestia:

I noticed some grammar errors, but I can't remember them. That one part about the stone is distracting me...

Maybe the stones move magic near it to another stone?
Maybe they convert it to something else?

If it converted the magic into something else, Twilight probably would have noticed.
So it would have to be something that you can't see and wouldn't really think of.
Unless said thing hides itself with what it does...

Anyways, it's a pretty good chapter...
I just woke up; I do better focusing and criticizing when I'm mildly awake and better at checking for grammar issues when I'm tired. Maybe I can help later.

This story requires a 'Celestia Forever Alone' face... :trollestia:

...you capture this so perfectly....why can't you write faster?!?!

Good chapter, but it left me wanting moar. Please gief moar. when do you think the next chapter will be out? I just like this story so much allready :pinkiehappy:

I hereby require more. That story is more-worthy. Whatever that means.

Aww......

Great chapter...those crystals...this story better not suddenly turn another Romance interrupted by power hungry/evil/corrupt/insane ponies/griffons/zebra/dragons/whatever I don't think I could forgive you for that.

That being out of the way; it is a great story so far I look forward to more.

Mor chapters plox:rainbowkiss: now im on to 2 need a 3 rd oh lunas original talk needs to be improved but other than that love it im tracking hope 4 mor soon

792020
Thanks. I wish I could machinegun out chapters like you :twilightsheepish:

792021
I'll try to get them out once a week but it may take longer... or shorter.... :derpytongue2:

792122
I have no idea what your talking about :pinkiecrazy:

792187
"may take longer... or shorter... :derpytongue2: "
Might as well have said you post them randomly :raritywink:

SO FAR THIS HAS BEEN ONE OF THE BETTER STORIES THAT I HAVE COME ACROSS.. CANT WAIT TO SEE WHAT YOU COME UP WITH NEXT :rainbowkiss:javascript:smilie(':rainbowkiss:');

Noticed a couple of typos. :twilightblush:

wreak. > wreck
when she casted a spell > cast a spell
big mac > Big Mac
heart for 3 years > heart for three years

I couldn't hit that favorite button fast enough. The portrayed emotions are very intense and the story Is excellent. Looking forward to the next chapter!

785572 W-whai you use Derpy to make me cry?! What did I ever do to you?! ;n;

... XD In all serialness... *Keeps reading*

791929 Lol 'Discolight'...My apologies...had to say it

There's quite a few words that are improperly used, or the wrong tense used, so I suggest finding a pre-reader who would be willing to help out with that. Other than that... I'm enjoying it, I guess. *Waits for the next chapter apathetically*

awesome story is awesome! :trollestia::twilightblush: are so cute together it's not even fair, and your depiction of Celestia is so sad :fluttershysad:
still I've this nagging feeling that those stones spell DOOM for all of equestria, the very idea of a magical black hole horrify me! :pinkiegasp:

792187 :facehoof: I should have known, looks like my search continues. Every story, with the exception of pure clop and one other story that I've found, has to through in some kind of antagonist. Why must this happen? Is there some universal law I'm missing?

“I want you to keep my sister company while your there.”

'This is it Twilight Sparkle, steel yourself. You have knew it would come eventually now just face her and tell her your sorry and that you didn't mean to ignore her.'

I'm certain the highlighted words are supposed to be "you're", as in "You Are". It's certainly doesn't fit as the possessive case of "you", and it's not indicating a group of people.

Also: There are plenty of instances where you forget to capitalize names. Ctrl+F is your friend. Go look over every instance you've written names and make sure you haven't missed one.

Finally: In the brief time that Luna spoke, she mentioned Twilights name seven times. Might want to remove six of them, since it's not really normal to say each others name all the time in a conversation. If it had been a group talking, then it's fine, but when it's just the two of them it just seems awkward. In general, when two people talk to each other they don't say each others name all the time, might want to remember that when you're writing dialogue.

Go get yourself an editor :). Other than that, it'll be interesting to see your approach to this theme.

Also, you might want to enter your story into this contest: http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/104745.html

I love sweet reunions. Nice chapter.

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Thanks. I made a couple of corrections thanks to your comments. :twilightsmile:

Great framework, definitely needs a lot of editing. You should ctrl-f through it and find all the lower-case 'twilight's at least. And re-read it yourself and look for missing punctuation, there's a bit.

Seriously, though, it's pretty good.

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You're welcome. I also just noticed:

You have knew it would come eventually now just face her and tell her you're sorry and that you didn't mean to ignore her.'

Remove the word "have". I'm also sure the punctuation is off, but I'm not an expert at that so I can't say for certain.

before I forget:

"Thanks for waking me up, Twilight; I don't know what I'd do without you.”

...because semi-colon!
edit: the changes were the first comma and the semi-colon, that bolding didn't work like I intended...
edit edit: I just want to go through and add commas... commas EVERYWHERE!
triple edit: seen this a couple times in both chapters:
"Oh horseapples"
If you're going to use direct thoughts like that, italicize and still use punctuation. Or at least punctuation. Also, a comma after 'Oh'.

last edit 'cause i'm supposed to be editing Stories of a Warden and Rosen is going to stab me:
" darkblue " is not a colour, but dark blue is!

the 'i just lied' edit: "She wasn't even worried that she was now more than a thousand feet up in the sky while she was afraid of heights" - she owns a freaking balloon! what're you talkin' 'bout.

note to self: never read stories immediately after editing something...

> But in the Canterlot castle a white goddess tosses and turned in her bed. Dreaming of a past that she would rather not remember.

Besides bits of grammatical errors like this, this is well done - do you need a proofreader(I'd like to help)?

Capitalization errors, some of the wording could be better in places, but this is shaping up to be fun.

This chapter was just too cute. :twilightsmile: God, I adore a well written Twilestia fic, there's surprisingly few of them about right now. All the others I've read/ :twilightblush:

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