• Member Since 25th Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen Feb 24th, 2015


I really need an actual a better avatar.


Twilight Sparkle has been living a lie. Everypony told her what a beautiful and accomplished mare she was. Everypony thought she was a responsible adult. They were wrong. She was still just a filly trying to stumble her way through life.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 219 )

I should mention that parts of this fic are semi-autobiographical.

Get out of my head. :applejackunsure:

This is really good... mostly. At first it was a pretty poignant tale of someone who has had everything handed to her, and all her mundane struggles and affairs always handled, and her own uncertainty and neuroses about not having to strike out on her own or learn to do things everyone else learned as a result.

And at the end, when she procrastinates on contact with others then misses out on plans and feels awful but assumes that she can't make up for it because it's been too long. That one hits close to home.

But in the middle... and she started complaining about being immortal, and being effortlessly talented, it lost me. And she came off as pretty callous when she started talking about how it was always her plan to outlive her friends.

It's still more good than bad though.

Actually, I kinda wanted that middle section to come off as sort of callous. Twilight has trouble connecting and relating with other ponies. Obviously it didn't achieve my desired effect, but I'm glad I at least got the feel right.

However, that middle section almost did not make the cut. Thematically it doesn't fit as well with the opening and closing, but the alternative section was a bit about her questioning if her friendships were "real" since it seemed like even destiny had given them to her. It worked better with the flow, but I thought it was winy.

Twilight's perception of adults is a bit.. skewed.

Hm... well, I'm not a particular fan of immortal Twilight. So, you can take my reaction to that part with a grain of salt: I'd be predisposed to not like that part as much anyway.

And... yeah I didn't connect her callousness to her difficulty in connecting to others, but it does fit... and the outliving plan also fits with her other musings on things like how she always assumed she was better than everyone else, probably because she excelled at school and was treated specially because she was so smart/talented, but as she grew older that feeling began to seem like an illusion... (which is another really good and relateable part... and again hits pretty close to home.)

Heavy on the ennui and lethargy, and the hopelessness of pointlessness. I really can't make myself see anything close to canon Twilight this way, but as an AU lead-in to stories like Unwell (which I also can't swallow without an AU tag), I think it's a decent exploration.

The questions had not seem important compared to others at the time.


If she found something that could relieve her emotions, could she ever let it go.

End with question mark.

Immortality just makes every moment even more precious, because the ones around you have so few.

I liked the story about Twilight and her emotional instability. There were some grammatical errors that should be looked at but the writing was mostly good. 7/10. (good)

Poor Twilight, some parts of her life will never be truly fulfilled because of her destiny. No matter how much she accomplishes as a princess, as a leader or as a hero all those mundane milestones that where eliminated from her life can never be recaptured. Twilight had always described herself as "an ordinary unicorn", but once more she's presented with irrefutable evidence that she is not, nor was she ever, ordinary. "Normal" milestones of life where eliminated for her to allow her to acquire the skills and knowledge she would need as a princess and this story shows her just realizing the negative repercussions of this. if the number of library patrons is still typical of what it was before she moved in, then the Ponyville library was kept open by the state specifically FOR her. Because so much of her work is important Celestia effectively gave her unlimited bits to work with, which actually might make her MORE obsessive as she feels she must earn the right to have spent the money though achievements. She might (and likely would) develop a complex where she has a need to prove her self worthy of all the advantages she's been given.

Love this story, was kind of gutwrenchingly sad. On the callous Twilight issue, my personally head canon matches what you said in this story, that powerful unicorns are long lived (take for example, mirror-verse King Sombra, he's just a unicorn, but has lived since before the banishment of NMM), so for her to have already accepted that would make her callousness towards the subject understandable.

This is probably the most genuinely depressing story I've seen here yet, a million times worse than any "dark" fic, because you can actually see a real person in there, with a real problem many people actually have to deal with. This sort of depression can be harder to handle than the kind where you're at least properly sad - if nothing else, at least that feels like something. It's something people can see is causing you distress.

Instead, here you go through one flat day after another, stretching endlessly into the future, with the knowledge that you won't ever be happy or sad or even really in pain about anything you'll get to actually experience, even if you make your best effort to try. There's no point in being motivated for anything, because you won't even enjoy the success. In a way it's a lot like being dead already and just not having caught up to it yet.

Stories like this make me really question aspects of everyday North American life, like why we all insist on working so hard all the time. Maybe it's because we're just a really industrious people.

It seems more likely that we're just trying to distract ourselves, because the thought of what might happen if we stop is more terrifying than the prospect of working ourselves to death.

Twilight, with no bills to pay, no debt hanging over her head, and no need to earn money for the things she needs and wants, can't even justify working herself to death, which prevents her from distracting herself, which makes her want to distract herself, which reminds her that she can't, which makes her want to distract herself, which reminds her that she can't, which makes her want to distract herself, which reminds her that she can't, which makes her want to distract herself, which reminds her that she can't, which makes her want to distract herself, which reminds her that she can't, which makes her want to distract herself, which reminds her that she can't, which makes her want to distract herself, which reminds her that she can't, which makes her want to distract herself, which reminds her that she can't, which makes her want

This is an incredibly bleak take on Twilight, and a chillingly accurate portrayal of clinical depression. The people dismissing Twilight's not being impressed with princesshood and her talents miss the point - those ARE wonderful things, and Twilight STILL isn't able to appreciate or enjoy them. Depression sucks everything good and enjoyable out of your life with scant regard to how 'good' you may have it.

wlam #14 · Jan 22nd, 2015 · · 1 ·


Stories like this make me really question aspects of everyday North American life, like why we all insist on working so hard all the time.

That one's easy. Puritan work ethics (anything actually fun is sinful so you better be fucking productive) coupled with the deep-seated cultural myth that the American Dream - moving up in the world and becoming rich by simply working hard enough with your own hands - was ever actually true. That complex of bad ideas pretty much informs all of US culture to some degree or another.

Leave it to stuffy English-types to ruin all the good stuff in the world.

At least we still have hulagirls.

This was an awesome read!
It's unusual to see a sad story in the feature box that actually caches my eye; yet this was wonderful!

The way you depicted the negative side of the idealistic life Twilight experience truly resonated with me.

I just hope you left the story end unresolved because that's the kind of feeling you wanted to leave the readers and not because you couldn't come up with an answer to Twilights dilemma...:unsuresweetie:



I will follow you from now on.:twilightsmile:


Hoo-boy. That story was really something.

Speaking from personal experience, you really nailed the effects of depression. Even though you may have everything, none of it feels worthwhile... which in turn makes you feel that you're a bad person for not appreciating what you have, which makes you feel even worse.

Interesting, if brief, take on the immortality debate. I'm inclined towards the "immortality is bad" side myself, but not just because of the "watch your friends grow old and die" thing, which everyone has a chance of doing anyway. I think that section fits with the theme of the story just fine: it's a huge symbol of how Twilight doesn't get to lead a normal life, which makes her feel inept and inferior to those who do manage all the day to day tasks of normal life without difficulty.

Kudos, upvoted, gonna take a look at what else you've written now.

What dilemma, though? There is nothing to be resolved, she could do or change whatever she feels like about her life and it wouldn't actually matter. Those aren't the real problem to begin with.

To her, though, right now, it is very much a bad thing. Life is... heavy, I suppose, when you feel like that. Everything is just slightly too straining to be comfortable, even on a good day. She doesn't feel bad enough to want to kill herself, but the thought of eventually getting to let that go was comforting. Now she doesn't have that anymore.

Oh Luna, I'm not the only one.

:pinkiegasp:You're asking what I mean by dilemma?:trixieshiftleft:

You see.

She in fact has a large list of problem clearly shown in this fic and she doesn't even know how to begin to solve them because her own mind keeps coming up with reasons why even try to ask for help would be a bad idea.

The conflict of this story or the problems Twilight face here include:
-Dreading the prospect of life monotony.
-Being conflicted about her displeasure towards being immortal.
-Being unable to see herself as mature and independent in her own eyes.
-Feeling that she should be something that she is not.
-Anxiety towards having a postal correspondence with anypony but the Celestia.
-Being aware of her own habits of being obsessive and so being afraid to try things(like alcohol) that might sedate the emptiness she feels out of fear that she might develop an addiction/dependence.
-Common depression. By being unable to find significance in anything to help her feel better.

-and finally concluding that the best thing is to bottle all her feelings and never let them out, which while is a satisfactory temporary solution, it implies a very fragile state of mind and a sanity that could be broken by the smallest conflict. It's a struggle to even join her friends for a good time in that state of mind, is good that she was able to reason with herself and resolved on why she should go but she won't necessarily be so lucky next time when she could just as easily find an excuse not to go.

and that's just from the top of my head I'm sure I could find more if I start looking in there.:duck:

So dealing with all this and more is what I meant by Twilight's dilemma.:twilightblush:


That was beautifully sad. I can relate to Twilight is some ways myself.

Twilight did it because money was important to other ponies, and it seemed like the type of thing a responsible adult ought to do.

Too bad there are not more responsible humans in the world.

Most ponies had to buy their clothes.

Most ponies don't wear clothes.

Even as she entered her graduate level studies, Twilight still suckled on the teat of those who raised her.

And it bothers her. A lesser mare would have long ago decided it was her right. Again, too bad more humans can't feel this way.

However infrequently it was, whenever a pony would come in looking for a book they would struggle to decipher whatever sorting system Twilight had adopted that week.

:twilightsmile:The book on owls in right next to the book on vowels. :moustache:You've got to be kidding me. :twilightsmile:Just give it some. Once you get to know it you'll ask how you ever got along without it. Leave Dewey Decimal in the past!

She did not know how much librarians got paid or how it compared to her stipend, but she at least felt like she was doing something to earn the money Celestia sent her each month.

Feeling like your doing something important is not the same as actually doing it.

Of course, she could not bring herself to ask Princess Celestia six whole months after her coronation.

It's only six months after her coronation? I like this timeline too. It makes more sense than "the shows fours years old, four years have gone by in Ponyville."

She was a princess now, and that meant she would be taken care of. She did not have to worry about the things that other ponies did.

She is a child; a Princess sees that her people are fed before she feasts.

Twilight was an invalid not fit to be left to their own devices.

Remove your crown. Leave Celestia and Spike. Leave Ponyville, she can do it.

However, it seemed like so much work to go out and find somepony. It did not seem like a reasonable return on the investment of time and emotions.

It is, on both counts.

She just hated writing to them. The Princess was about the only pony Twilight could stand to write to or receive letters from. With any other pony, there was just too much pressure.

I know that feeling. Twilight is a mare after my own heart it looks like.

It was her least favorite sound, the squeak of letters being pushed through the mail slot. Everytime she heard it, her entire body tensed up and her breathing quickened. Every letter was another obligation. Every letter she waited on was an explanation she had to give. She could only fabricate excuses so many times before the ponies on the other side of the mail would begin to catch on.

Stop writing about my own life.

another princess that now considered her to be an honorary sister.

Luna? Or rather, what about Luna?

She did not even need the stupid thing. Her magic picked up the box and flung it away from her. There was a tinkling sound as she heard a lense shatter.
Twilight was just a child throwing a tantrum.

Really fine work. Articuno greatly approves. What else you got for me?

First world Princess Problems the fic right here. Maybe she could fire her assistant if she wanted to be more independent.

5534133 I agree. Exastential crisis--es, are best met with new hobbies, vacations, cultural events and other such things. If Twilight is depressed about how easy her life is, perhaps she should set higher, loftier goals. Curing hunger, healing the sick, delivering mail-- something endless that can't really be "solved" but would still make the world a better place.

Perhaps, much like a prison inmate, she needs a packet of seeds and a pot of soil. Something of her own to nurture and grow that she's done on her own.

I think when we read stories like this it's important to look at both sides of the coin. Not every consequence of Twilight's situation is negative and the term "normal" is relative. Twilight's issue, and one that will persist, is her realization that what is "normal" for most ponies isn't normal for her and her coming to terms with the losses that go hand in hand with the gains she has made. She has accomplished great things and will continue to do so but the context of her accomplishments is far different and when and how she reaches certain milestones of life will be different. She built up expectations of "normalcy", of life going in a certain order, but that fact her life will never be normal shakes the foundation of her being. All the princesses are likely neurotic in some fashion for these same reasons, Cadance likely thought she'd grow up to be a farmer's wife and have lots of foals, not be an Empress, Celestia and Luna have never experienced "normal" life, meaning a part of their subjects will forever be alien to them. Twilight is suitable terrified now that she's "joined the club" of the abnormality of being an alicorn.

Nice fic. You have good perception for apathy.
The question of immortality is a very good one. If I was immortal, I would probably sleep until the Judjement Day, or whatever. Also, nice idea with checklists. Fave! :rainbowkiss:

5535593 :eeyup: I can relate, too.

Unfortunately, I found this one completely missed me, sorry. I felt more annoyed at Twilight than anything else - in this sort of instance I can NEVER forget the thought in the back of my head about the less fortunate for whom this sort of problem would be considered a first-world issue.

Leaving ASIDE the blinding obvious that, in saving the world three times (and an assist with one more) and the country once in the last four years, Twilight has more than earned a permenant stipend - as have her friends - because if it wasn't for them, there would be no-one around to feel mopey. If she really is desparate to find meaning, to do something worthwhile, I'm sure there are no end of ponies even in a place like Equestria - or beyond if it's really THAT idyllic - that need help or assistance.

It is forever at the back of my mind that as I sit in a warm, light room with all the trappings of technology, there are people out there who haven't eaten or drunk at all today. As a result, I can never find much sympathy for this sort of thing, because that thought rears up all too often. It's good, because it helps keep my perspective on things. If one happens into be "lucky" like Twilight is (as this is ignoring the aforementioned fact that, actually, she is doing a "job" i.e. saving Equestria - that puts both her and her friends at great personal risk and has thus damn well EARNED every break she's been given), one should be grateful for it and if one feels guilty about it, then by all means spread one's good fortune around as much as possible to those who really are in need.

(Actually, maybe she's right and she is acting as a child, because she's considering that doing mundane stuff is what makes you an "adult." It isn't.)

If it's because she's suffering from some sort of depression, then instead, she needs to make sure to get help, because depression is nasty and insideous and potentially tragic; indeed, if it is so, it makes it even more important she talk to someone about this.

(Also, all that said, given as I was told I was middle-aged at eleven and am thus now definitely Old at thirty-five, I am not perhaps the best authority to go to on this sort of thing...)

Thats some nice story you have there.Your reflections(i dunno if thats the right word,google translate said so) are very good and logical.Overall nice fic descripting depression.I love such fics.But i didnt like the ending :/


Yeah, the "American Dream" never existed. Most rich people today inherited their wealth instead of earning it. Why does that myth persist even though we see that it really doesn't work at all? Why do so many people believe in it even though it simply doesn't really apply to today's world? When you think about it, the founding fathers really seemed like a bunch of complaining, entitled aristocrats, whining about taxes they had to pay because Britain had to get their out of the war and now after they did that the British government wants additional taxes in order to pay for getting the American colonies out of that mess.

And it seems like that attitude is still alive and well today with the American rich some how thinking they are "middle class" when in reality they simply aren't.


Huh. Well, you managed to put it into words.

Eventually, everybody must grow up. Excellent read.

5536285 It's called the pursuit of happiness. The American Dream is just that, a dream. A good and just dream, where people who are persistent and can overcome adversity are given their due. Sadly, reality rarely measures up. But that doesn't mean the American Dream isn't real. It is the belief in that ideal, driving people forward to greater things.

You are correct however, that it applies less and less to present day America. The 1% pay about 37% of all taxes collected. Millions of able adults no longer take responsibility for themselves, and instead live off government assistance rather than earning their own bread. All the wrong companies are given breaks, while smaller businesses have to fend for themselves. It should be in this environment that the American Dream should shine. But it's not, and I have to say it is rather troubling.


The 1% pay about 37% of all taxes collected

Despite making vastly more than 37% of the total wealth. In other words: they pay less taxes than everyone else.

5536565 Yes, but they can never retire, they pay more than the average working man


Can't retire? The mega-wealthy could literally do nothing and still earn more than thousands of people put together. There isn't actually a wealth tax, you know. In extreme cases, having lots of money gets you more income than working does.

In fact, what you just said makes no sense whatsoever. If it were true nobody could retire; the wealthy have much lower expenses as a percentage of their wealth than everyone else.

5536697 Heard this from my Creative Writing class, they get taxed more, and the government no longer gives them any financial support

Relatable thoughts that I don't share, but agree with. Weird, I know. It's a fine line from dullness to hardship.

5536706 The ones who 'can't retire' are the ones who consider $2000 worth of groceries, three houses, a yacht, and a live-in nanny 'necessities'.

I have a friend who keeps asking for money because he can't afford the mortgage on his $3 million house. "Without it my wife will leave me!" Gaah.

The rich pay less taxes than anyone else by most reasonable measures, but they will never, ever stop complaining about it, because the way to get rich is to be a jerk who lies about everything and cheats the system (and other people) in any way that won't get you arrested. There've been studies.

5536832 They're also in a Culture of Power

5536903 Well, it's not about society judging her, it's about her judging herself. She wants to be self-reliant and when she looks at how the things she does get paid for she realizes that she's really not.

This isn't completely foreign to the series ('all I do is smile and wave') although the focus on money in particular might be. Although there's also the 'can't feed myself' and 'hate writing letters' bit.

(I can feed myself! I have a microwave. Someone needs to get Twilight a microwave.)

>Someone else uses the Hogfather belief scene
>It's about the American Dream

Great story, and it does seem like Celestia tends to infantilize others in her efforts to help them, even if, like Twilight, they deserve what they get. I wouldn't be surprised if Blueblood feels the same feelings of dependence and inadequacy (with more justification).

Even Cadance, finally gets her chance at independence and what does she do? Her primary goal is throwing the pony Olympics so she can prove to her aunt she's an independent mare.

I wouldn't be surprised if Luna had also wanted that post in the Crystal Empire, for the exact same reasons, right now she comes off as the sibling equivalent of a consort more than anything.

And none of it is because Celestia is anything less than a kind, good pony who just wants to help the ponies around her, and couldn't reach the common touch with a 60 foot pole. You know she was soooooo proud of herself for sticking Twilight in Ponyville. "Not gonna make the same mistakes I did with Sunset Shimmer, this one's going to be an independent, well-adjusted adult for sure! "


Good story and you got the hit on many people here ^^

2 things from me.

First of the only difference between adults ans child's are that adults have become better at lying and dodging responsibility

Second of the empty feeling in your heart is not really empty it just want´s more and is a part of your survival instinct that survived the stone age. As you would have to go out everyday to hunt to survive, this felling is there to keep you going. But well today you can go to the next supermarket and be done for the week.

You want that gone? Well aim for the Horizon knowing that you never reach it, if you are capable of withstanding the knowledge that you never succeed.

5534204 Takes awhile to realize adults are just bigger kids with more expierence. Or maybe everyone I know has just never grown up.


Growing old is obligatory. Growing up is optional. A very unpopular option.

Im sorry, but to me, this just sounds like "woe is me, I dont need to worry about money". Some would argue that the "meat" of the story is precisely in what Twilight considers an adult is, but im just not seeing it.

And id say saving the world from total destruction twice, your country from shapeshifter infestation once, and ponies in general from magic-stealing centaurs another time, kinda merits you some income. And a palace. And apparently, wings.

And after saying all that in the last paragraph, I realized why the story doesnt do it for me. We know how much twilight has done for her fellow ponies. And this was kind of the original problem in the s4 finale, Twikight feeling kinda useless. And then Tirek happened.

5537694 5536092
I find the "Twilight has saved Equestria, she deserves what she has" viewpoint an odd one. Not that it is wrong, just that it is alien to me and does not sit well. I wonder if I can explain.

My parents have an elderly neighbor who lives across the street. When it snowed we would all go out, shovel the drive and then deal with her drive. She would, inevitably, give us a giftcard or something like that with a Christmas card saying "thank you."

Then one year she stopped giving us cards or anything like that. I don't know why, but we kept shoveling her drive. We weren't doing it for the thanks, and I don't really think that we deserved thanks. It was simply the right thing to do and we were in the position to do it.

Twilight is a hero. Saving the day is just what she does and not her job. Should a pony be set for life if they saved Equestria once? What about just Cloudsdale? Were is the line? It might be different if she was on some sort of defense force, where her job was to be ready and waiting for calamity to strike.

And... I don't know. I suppose I don't see good deeds deserving of praise, but instead see the lack of good deeds deserving of chastisement. Maybe it just has to do with how I view the world.

I would love to jump into some of the other conversations shooting around. Maybe tomorrow when I have more time.


This could very well be the best fic I've ever read. I suppose so much of what I do read is light and nice, since I steer clear of the "so and so died and Equestria is now a wasteland," but this was just so perfectly heavy and personal, and it really struck a chord. I mean, you wrote about such relatable topics, and you did it so well! And although I personally don't agree with the "alicorn = immortality" idea (probably because in my eyes immortality is hell), you definitely incorporated it ingeniously. What else can I say?

I'll put in the few errors I found here because I'd hope that someone would do the same for me:

She had known that a time when would come when she could hang up her saddle.

Or maybe that was what it meant to actually be a an adult.

Twilight was an invalid not fit to be left to their own devices.

Perhaps change the their to a she, since their is a plural pronoun.
And of course I forget the other mistake, but that's most of what I saw.

Again, fantastic story; looking through your other stories just now, though, that doesn't surprise me. I've read a few of them (most notably "Influence"), and I've seen a good chunk of them in the featured box.

Keep up the stupendous work.


No, chastisement doesn't really work if you use it as the main incentive. Punishment tends to make people hate everything related to their punishment, while reward makes people like everything related to the reward. So if you want people to hate their society and eachother, then you make punishment your main incentive.

Other than that, there's some philosophical or moral reasoning about whether or not it's right to expect reward from good deeds, but like most purely philosophical debates, the answer doesn't effect anything at all.

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