But, I Don't Want To Become A Wonderbolt
The air itself was now Scootaloo's enemy. One second all she could do was suck it in, gasping, and the next it was like each breath was a new knife ready to pierce her.
Scootaloo soared upwards through the sky going so fast that the wind she made boomed around her. Every inch higher made the temperature drop what seemed exponentially, but the pain would have to be endured. One look down was all she needed to know that this was the farthest up she had ever been. The land below was now all white from the layers of cloud that blanketed it. Above her was only blank blueness.
Scootaloo's wings were now the size of a normal pegasus' and if anything more muscular. The days of only being able to look up were gone; now she too could stare down at those who said she would never make it. More than her wings, though, was her cutie mark that was the greatest changer in her appearance. It was a large purple and orange butterfly with two smaller ones to its side on top of a bright purple streak of lightning. Her special talent, scooting. Looking back it should have been obvious from the start, but hindsight's always like that.
"Okay, sis, time to blast down!" Rainbow Dash popped over the clouds with her mouth to the megaphone wearing her usual coach's hat and a necktie whistle. She descended back into the clouds.
Scootaloo braked and turned her eyes downwards. Alright, not that difficult. Next was the easy part, pumping herself up, or at least it should have been.
She was literally on top of the world, higher than her former, wingless self could have ever imagined. Even Dash was below her. Scootaloo expected a rush to overtake her any second, but instead all she could do was stare at the white covered ground, missing it.
Only now could she realize, the sky was not where she belonged.
The thing she missed the most was her scooter, which was now all but invisible thanks to the clouds. Even now, so high up that she too was invisible to all her friends, the rush of scooting through the streets of Ponyville overtook her. The wind against her face, the ponies around her fading into the background; if only she could feel it now too. None of that mattered, though, for as Dash said, it was time to blast down.
Scootaloo readied her wings and shot downwards, ripping through the air and clouds. The blankets of white overtook her view until all around her was a dense but soft wet fog. Not even a second later the sky cleared and she found Dash standing on the grass below on the outskirts of Ponyville.
The filly contorted her body into an arrow and let the boom around her blast ever louder. The ground approached so fast like it too was flying towards her. She spread her wings and felt her body jerk forwards from the deceleration.
"Come on, just brake!" Dash yelled.
Scootaloo tensed her wings as hard as she could but found herself still shooting towards the ground. She straightened her hooves, knowing what would come next, and made contract. Her hooves scraped against the dirt and grass, leaving a burning trail. After skiing over an entire hill she finally stopped, now back on the earth she missed so much.
Dash ran to her sister with a smile big even for her, "Now that's how you do it!" and put Scootaloo in a headlock. "That was nuts! Seriously, one second you're comin' in like a meteor and then you total the whole hill!"
Scootaloo smiled nervously, "Wasn't that good... I did mess up the landing."
"Eh, whatever... All that matters is that you're on the ground," Dash said. Her sister stayed still, as did her half smile. "Come on, what's the matter? You did great! You don't gotta be that hard on yourself, kiddo."
"If you say so..." Scootaloo looked away for a second, "Actually, there's something I need to talk about..."
"Can it wait?"
Scootaloo paused.
"We've got alot of training to get through today and there's not a second to lose!" Dash turned her cap backwards, "Now let's go! This was just the warm up. Nothing like a good sky dive to get the blood rushing."
"Got it..." Scootaloo frowned.
"I'm telling you, Scoots, you sure got one heck of a potential," Dash put her hoof on her sister. "I might even be a little jealous, but you didn't hear that from me," she said, cracking a laugh. Scootaloo's frown remained. "Seriously, it's hard to believe that your wings only developed a few months ago, but hey, better late than never. At this rate I got no doubt that you'll be a Wonderbolt, none!" Scootaloo nodded her head, looking down, only to have Dash grab her and lift it up.
The two sisters walked away with Scootaloo following a few steps behind.
I wonder where I left my scooter?
...........................................................................
They traveled to a more remote and grassy plain farther away from Ponyville and began the next bout of training. For the entire rest of the day Scootaloo performed tricks, tests, speed runs, aerial maneuvers and whatever else Dash could think of in her excitement. The young filly got top marks in every test and by the end of it all Dash's vocal cords had gone sore from all the yells and screams of joy.
Scootaloo's frown only grew as the hours progressed, though. Not once did even the semblance of an adrenaline rush hit her. In fact, she was pretty much bored.
All Scootaloo wanted was a chance to talk with her sister, but any attempt was futile as the barrage of tests and training was all Dash could think about. "Next test! Come on, more training!" Her sister's frown had become invisible. By sunset, Scootaloo was once again soaring upwards through the aerial glacier. Below her was Dash's final test, a dive plus speed run through a canyon. The setting sun in the distance gave the sky a glittery reddish hue.
The wind struck hard against the filly's still developing feathers. The speed was literally breathtaking and her heartrate rose with every inch ascended. Her gaze was focused straight up and jaw clenched; this was how it was supposed to be, her versus the sky.
All Scootaloo could think about was scooting through Ponyville. Even a slow drive would have been okay.
Grrrr! Her jaw clenched harder as her thoughts converted into rage. The image inside her head only grew more solid the more she tried to fight it until it was all she could see.
Am I really gonna have to do this all my life?
She blasted upwards so fast that her skull felt like it was about to crack open from the pressure.
"Come down now! Don't go that high!" Dash yelled, giving chase.
Scootaloo paid no attention to the noise and rose until the curvature of the world was now visible all around her. The sky around her had turned from blue to black. A silence overtook her. "If this is what you want, Dash, then fine!"
Her wings tensed like never before and she rocketed herself down through the atmosphere so fast that even Dash jumped back from the speed. "Whoa!" A cone of red fire burned around the filly as her descent pierced through the approaching night sky. Her eyes had long since closed shut.
The canyon below approached with an ever fastening pace, and almost as if she just knew when to start, Scootaloo's wings propelled her forward into it. She opened her eyes and found herself closed off to the world on both sides by a series of rocky cliffs that stretched forward until they met. Her mane and feathers swung around gracefully; her pose and form were flawless. In the end, though, her current prowess in the air wasn't even the last thing on her mind. All she could see was the finish line in the end, and the end of her training.
Forever.
The rocks dragged along her. She shot up the canyon keeping her eyes and body pointed only straight ahead. Dash wasn't at the end zone which meant that the time couldn't be recorded, but that didn't matter. All that did was whether or not she was on the ground.
It only took a few more seconds for Scootaloo to reach the finish line. Once there, she planted her hooves into the ground and came to a complete stop without a hitch. All that was left now was to wait for Dash.
With her jaw dropped and head raised up, Dash came forth flying at a calm pace. Scootaloo stood tall and with a blank face. Her eyes glared.
"I don't even know what to say..." Dash made landfall, still with shock filled eyes. Scootaloo kept her glare.
"Seriously... how in Equestria did you do that?! I don't even need the stopwatch," Dash said, throwing it away, "That was by far your best time, I-I... You know what, come here!" She put her little sister in another headlock, only this time all her force was put into it. Scootaloo's head rested on the warmth of her sister's hoof, but that was all the warmth she could feel.
"Give it here," Dash said, sticking out her other hoof, "You deserve it. I'm proud of you, kiddo... no, I'm more proud of you than ever!"
"I don't care!"
Scootaloo threw her sister's hoof away and snorted with a death stare directed straight at the pony who had only embraced her.
"Huh?"
"Don't you get it?! I don't care about any of this! Racing, the Wonderbolts! How can you not see that?!"
Dash stood frozen and without a single expression on her face.
Scootaloo choked back a single tear, then saying softly, "I never did... No matter how fast I went or how high or... how much you said I was special... I just don't, and ge-etting my cutie mark just made me realize that more."
Dash took a step forward, "But... then why did you do it?" It was uncanny hearing her voice spoken so softly.
"Be-cause... I didn't want to disappoint you, after everything you've do-one f-or..." Scootaloo could only hold back her tears for so long, "I'm so sorry..! Please don't be mad or disappointed in me! If it means that much to you I can-."
Dash put her hoof in the filly's mouth, "You can do what? Huh?" She took her hoof out, "Look, if you don't like racing then you don't, it's as simple as that."
"But..."
"But nothing! There's nothin' wrong with not liking racing. I only do it cuz I love it, and so should you!" She smiled, "You never had anything to be scared about... You should've ju-,"but it wasn't long until it turned to a frown, "Actually, I'm sorry..."
"For what?" Scootaloo said with obvious confusion in her voice.
"This is all my fault... It was wrong for me to keep on forcing you to fly like this without making sure you were actually into it. Ever since you've gotten your wings, I've been trying to force my likes on you without making sure they were your own too... and I'm sorry, really."
Scootaloo's glare ended, now replaced by a smile, and she jumped on top of her older sister. "Whoa there!" Dash said, now carrying her.
"And I'm sorry for not saying anything before... I was just scared..."
Dash pushed back her sister, then saying with a glare, "But I am mad about one thing."
"W-What?"
"That you thought I'd be disappointed in you. Listen carefully, I'll never be disappointed in you, got it?" Dash said, still glaring.
Scootaloo's smile returned, "Got it."
As did Dash's, "Good. Just do what makes you happy, that's how you can pay me back."
"Don't worry," Scootaloo said with a smile full of confidence, "You'll see me kicking flank in my scooter soon enough."
"That's all I wanted to hear. You know, I actually know about this scooting competition that's going on next week in Cloudsdale. You-."
"Obviously! Though I've never scooted on a cloud before."
"Not too late to start. You up for some training? It's okay if you're too tired from all the flying."
"Tired?!" Scootaloo struck a confident pose, "Is that another word for excuse?"
Dash nodded. She really did get the perfect sister.
Hope you all liked the story 
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Alright, just take the like and the fave. Well done.
Great job here.
Awesome story overall, but I'm not very fond of how you ended the story just like that. Not saying it's bad or anything, I'm just not sure what to think of it.
She didn't want to be a barber anyway...
Short, sweet, to the point with just the right amount of build up.
Very well done.
Real sweet, or as sweet as sisterly love between two headstrong pegasi can be. Have a like and fav.
This did start out well with a satisfiable payoff, well done!
The story showed perfect synchronicity between sisters. An excellent job.
Eh, it was a cute and harmless little fic. I really didn't get into the dialogue which felt really forced and rushed, as did the whole premise. If you'd taken your time to actually describe things and not just put all of it into dialogue, it might have worked better.
Entrancing... I like it.
Super rushed ending but great premise.
Very touching -- Slice of Life done perfectly. Bravo
It's quick, but good.
You played with a great concept but in my opinion failed to execute it properly. The main issue was with pacing; you did a fine job of quickly establishing the story's intent but the build-up contained too little to allow me to connect with the characters and the ending resolved too quickly. I couldn't really feel for Scootaloo because you gave me no reason to. The breakneck pace of the story, while not bad in its own right, fails to present the depth of emotion I think you were going for with Scootaloo's relationship towards the Wonderbolts and by extension Rainbow Dash.
From looking at your other stories I see that few of them are more than 10k words long. Don't be afraid to break ground on longer more complex stories, to write a lot of words even if at the time it feels like what you're writing is terrible. All great novels started out as shitty first drafts. You'll always have time to edit and cut words out. If you write 100,000 words and then cut out 90,000 of them, odds are it will be better than if you sat down and wrote 10,000 words off the top of your head. Not to say word count is a scale for quality--that's just the power of editing.
"Hey, you're gonna be the best Wonderbolt ever! I'm so proud of you!"
"I don't wanna be a Wonderbolt."
"Oh, ok. Let's go back home."
~~~
There seems to be a whole scene missing here. And the thing is, I can tell where it should be. It should be after that first quote and before the second. What it should be is a scene where we can hear Scootaloo's monologue about not wanting the Wonderbolt life. Which we heard... prior to the first quote. So once Dash said "You're gonna be the best Wonderbolt ever!" We knew exactly what was gonna happen before it actually happened.
What would've been further icing on the cake is if we had gotten a bit of POV from Dash. How does she feel about Scootaloo's supposed "Wonderbolt" ambitions. Maybe she's blind to Scootaloo's plight because she sees herself in her little sister? Maybe she only sees her life as the best life, and doesn't really care (at the start) for what Scootaloo really wants, and it takes her sister crying to make her see.
Overall, good story, poor execution. The concept is well-done enough, however, so I'll give it a thumbs-up.
5482979 Well said.
5483420
5482979
Yeah even while writing this I felt that it was too fast. It's just that I was only intending this to be a one shot. I'll try to not do that with my next stories by actually giving them more than one chapter lol.
Conflict? Drama? Pfft. Who needs those in a highly emotional slice-of-life anyway?
5483515 Yeah only 2.5K , what was stopping you from making it 3 or 4. Hell short stories standards for literature are usually 5K words.
Hmm... the only one word comes to mind when I read this.
"Rushed"
You had some good descriptions and imagery at the beginning, but it pretty much faltered after the line break. Other folks around here have commented on the speed and pacing (see 5482979 5483420 posts). My biggest issue though is the fact that the title itself gives the entire premise away.
In a slice-of-life like this, you need to juggle the internal conflict very carefully. For me, the pay off isn't RESOLVING all the things that are wrong, but DISCOVERING all the things that are wrong. These works are best when used for character growth and exploration of who they are. This fiction does next to nothing in terms of either. We know before reading that Scootaloo doesn't want to be a Wonderbolt and from the first few paragraphs that she is meant to be on a scooter. After those are out of the way, I have to agree with 5483933. It is just a "grab 4 teh feelz" fiction until the credits roll.
This critique also hits a bit close to home for me as I tried the same kind of fiction once before. Not the same premise, but RD was in a leadership role in that one as well. It makes me wonder how many of the same mistakes I made in that one, especially seeing incinerateChicken here with a comment akin to the one he left me.
Side note: Though eye-catching, the cover art is misleading since none of this takes place in the Wonderbolt academy. I can't even tell if RD is a Wonderbolt already. If it was mentioned, The detail didn't impress itself upon me enough to notice, which would be another problem.
That was a very touching one-shot
well done.
There needs to be a space after the quotation mark.
If you don't want to be a wonderbolt, then you should be... A lumberjack!
The sentence after this one said that she was invisible to her friends... shouldn't it be all but visible?
5484868 Lol
5483933 Come on, man! Don't be so much Con!
5484868 YES
YES
YES!!
Too brief, too fast. Not enough detail to savor this. Not enough detail especially when describing the emotional state at the moment.
How did this get featured?
What is Scootaloo's cutie mark supposed to mean? You say straight up that her special talent is scootering, but her mark has absolutely nothing to do with it. The only sense I can make of this is that she's somehow Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash's daughter, since three butterflies and a lightning bolt is the exact kind of cutie mark such a foal would have.
I actually teared up a little there when Scoots did. That was a great story and is so good i thought i was reading an episode.
*Clap clap clap clap* vary good story good sir
I read and favorited for the concept and as it has been featured I assume most people did too (congrats by the way). However, I feel the overall story could benefit from reworking. Just a friendly opinion.
5483515 You don't necessarily need more chapters to dig deeper into the story. Chapters=/=word count=/=quality and depth. If you look at Hemingway's work, he has tons of conflict and emotions lying underneath deceptively simple and curt prose. On the other hand if you look at SS&E, he leaves nothing to the imagination by dedicating hundreds of thousands of words to explaining and framing his meaning.
Here's my tip: don't worry about word count. Write until your feel like your story is done. When it's done, it's done. Doens't matter if it's a thousand words or a hundred thousand words. Thinking along the lines of, "Oh, since this is a short story it has to be short," will yield rushed results, whereas the opposite "Complex stories have to be at least X0,000 words long" leads to lethargy.
This page will help you.
http://www.fimfiction.net/group/916/school-for-new-writers/thread/147694/lecture-exploration-progression-and-pacing
I found myself able to empathize with Scootaloo a surprising amount.
This is like something out of the show itself. Amazing.
i loved the story so uplifting you did great really
Good story. Rushed, but good. You've got nothing but good things to build on here!
Keep it up!
5483974
1500 tends to be normal for one-shots around here, and the author intended this to be a one-shot. So he's above the norm already, just needs to expand upon the idea and slow down the pace.
cute and heartfelt
I enjoyed this. This was good.
5485517
Because people like you are reading it, and those who like it are liking it? I'm sorry, but the feature box isn't human-operated. The reason why anything ever gets featured is because it's being read enough to.
*CLAPS LOUDLY* WHOO! I was seriously scared this was going to be a fic where Dash was going to be out of character and straight up mean and say that Scootaloo should do what she's good at or something, but it ended way better than that. I've seen fics where characters were forced into doing what "have" to so that people can be proud of them. Thank goodness this wasn't going to be the tragedy I thought it was, and actually turned out extremely good.
Very, very nice work.
A great tale and a great way to tell people to stand up for what they love.
Fan-fiction-tastic! Great job man!
I could easily see this becoming a part of the show.
"a lot"
5481766
Heh, I was singing that song today as I cut down willows.
Not bad!
...What? Sorry, but I ain't no professional reviewer, so don't expect any major claims from me (now I just know I messed that sentence up).
I wrote a review of this story. You can find it here.