• Member Since 30th Jun, 2014
  • offline last seen Yesterday

Tohshi


Hey I write things. Like litterally all the time. Sometimes it is pony related and that ends up here. Funny how things change this used to be a sometimes thing but now its all the time.

Sequels1

T

A young man has to learn to live with the consequences of his brash decision, as he learns to live in a new town, a new world, and a new body.

I would appreciate some feedback, though I hope my skin is as thick as I think it is. I am uncertain whether to add the dark tag first chapter is pretty dark if you ask me but past that it isn't so much. Edit: Decided to add the dark tag.
PS: I suck at editing so sorry.... :applecry:

Cover art done by Spicioc

Chapters (13)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 225 )

I'm loving it so far! Can't wait for the next chapter

I guess since... Twilight got tired out the most, that's means she's the mommy!

:derpytongue2:

It's not bad, though the initial awakening does suffer a bit from incoherence. Trying to stuff too much in at once I think. Like the "Time to get food" thing could have waited until she had recovered a bit and realized what was going on. "Coming to, I open my eyes," welcome to the wonderful world of forgetting to keep your tenses straight. "a mare with a nurses hat pushed her way" could have described her in more detail. "not just slam my face into the food" and then she immediately slams her face into the food, that's the sort of thing that gave the story a rushed feeling.

I like the tone of the story. It's not pandering or indulgent, but neither is it mirthless and cruel. You seem to hit a happy medium there. I liked how you made a genuine reason for him to go to Equestria instead of the usual "he died and went to horse heaven." It could still go the way of center of the universe OC, but it seems like a good set up at least. I'll have to see how it turns out.

it's "you're" not "your" by the way. When in doubt, use "you are."

A pretty story. I like so far. Write more!

Oh I almost forgot. Never say this is your first fic, in your story summary. You don't need to tell us how to judge you. That just insults our judgement. We can tell on our own if you suck, so don't tell us how we feel about your writing, or your experience. We're readers not human resources department.

5233701 Thanks for the feed back. I am trying to depict Alex with PTSD/paranoia, for which our imaginings are typically worse than reality. I will try to get online with my laptop to fix those errors you pointed out but that may have to wait till tomorrow. Editing on my phone is a bit too hard as it is just for comments. I'm glad you like it, and more is coming/done just can't upload them just yet.

Second:fluttercry:

Good story keep up the good work.

5242015
5240790
Thank you both for the comments and encouragement. I have the next chapter done and am working on chapter 6.

5242053
Well I can't wait until they're done. Like I said before, its a good story.

Its cute watching Twilight try not to be a background parent.

Lilac needs some of this:

The next two chapters may take a bit more time, i want to release both chapter 8 and chapter 9 at the same time. Chapter 8 is finished and i am about 4k into chapter 9 i feel like i have one or two more days of work to finish it but my last time i thought i was nearing the end of a chapter i ended up rewriting the whole chapter so we shall see.

>>> Ferret: You are right but i hope i am portraying her asd/depression well and sadly that is a thing that doesn't just go away, with time maybe but not magically.

>>>Nemisisheadhunter: I am really happy you liked it. More is coming.

>>> Daralact: She is trying to be there, I just figured that now that she has her own "kingdom" she is just a tad bit busy. I am happy that you like my depiction.

Anyone else picturing Twilight and Lyra in wedding dresses, while Applejack stands behind them, with a shotgun?

Just me?

CLIFFHANGERS!!! WHYYYYY!!??!!??

Very nice story so far. :twilightsmile:

5285943 because apparently I am evil. I didn't plan that one really it just kinda happened. Chapter 9 is almost done so I expect those two to be uploaded on sunday.

Edit: Or you know i might decide to upload it the next day or something like that.

Two chapters in one day. Nice. Keep up the good work.

5296959 Well chapter 8 was finished almost a week ago and chapter nine was finished yesterday so really it wasn't two in one day its just i prefer to have a full chapter done ahead of time. With that said chapter 10 is being tricky so i figured i would just upload 8 and 9 today. Either way thanks for the encouragement.

The adorable is strong in this one.

That dark magic thing was a bit out of left field.

Usually it goes like "Lilac," Princess Celestia said, "I'm sorry to tell you that you have pony AIDS." And then it cuts to black with dramatic music playing while zooming in on Lilac's stricken face. Then the next episode strings you along with unrelated plot lines and you just want to know what happened to poor Lilac and then there's a scene where Lilac says "Pony AIDS?! Can I be saved?" and Celestia nods and says, "There is a way you could be saved, but it bears a terrible cost." And then the episode ends and you're like "AGADAMIT what is it? What is it?" and then the next episode she says, "Sombra's dark magic can save you, but the pain will be incredible. Can you face such a thing Lilac?" and Lilac says "I must," and then the dark magic fills up and swirls around her and she closes her eyes and THEN the scene transitions again to some stupid romance between unrelated characters that will become totally important later but right now we just want to find out what happened to Lilac!!!

That's how it usually goes. You were like "Lilac, you have pony AIDS. We can fix it with dark magic though. This is going to hurt a lot, so bite down on this stick," And Lilac was like "Wh--" and then they blasted her and it was fixed. You didn't even string us along one bit!

I don't know why Lilac feels so guilty about all the terrible things she's done. I think I could consider Genghis Khan's war crimes paid back in full if he had to be turned into a little girl who wets the bed.

Maybe this explains why Sombra was in such a bad mood all the time...

5302413
out of left field in a bad way? or a good way?

Wetting the bed wasn't because of Sombra's magic, though more on that later. the Sombra's magic not the bed wetting, at least as far as i know so far.

Either way thanks for the comments, I really like reading them.

I like Elegant Note he seems to really take a shine to Lilac not just in that she's a cute little filly. Please avoid the contraction of "you" and "are" btw it just confuses and somewhat alarms me when I try to think about what Twilight's "under" is. I think Lilac should be fairly averse to coffee after this. Odd that she felt like she needed a second cup though. That's more a booze thing than a coffee thing.

“Also you shouldn't avoid crowds and other ponies for a while. Her immune system is probably not running at full...

oops, small but crucial typo.. make that "should". The other typos are easier for the eyes to skim over, but running a spellcheck in whatever writing program you are using should catch the rest,

5386243 I will try to get a good edit done soon. Thanks for pointing that one out. I hope you have liked it so far, also thanks for at least getting through the first two chapters. They are much worse/need more attention. EDIT: fixed that specific spot.
5351881 That chapter is based on my own reactions to coffee. Which as an A.D.D. person I apparently react differently. I am trying to get better at using your and you're correctly though aparantly I either still need work on it or should avoid it more.

To be honest, I don't see this at all as dark. Sad, yes. Dark, no. Unless, of course, this was all Lyra's doing in attempt to play with someone's life. This chapter proves that wrong, though.

Needs quite a bit of editing, but I like it enough to continue.

5388244 Sorry if my idea of what counts as dark isn't yours. I put it there because of the suicide. Thanks for the compliment. I know that the first two chapters and part of the third are pretty badly in need of a good edit which I intend to do soon.

Stories like this frustrate the hell out of me....

5389529 if you don't mind could you explain a bit more? What about this story frustrates you? I just want to know what may need fixing.

Welp... Lyra and Twi now have a kid. One who was suicidal before the unwilling gender, age and species swap. At least having the kid was consensual. Lemmie go get some popcorn.

(Does looking forward to his, er, her pain, confusion and turmoil make me a bad pony?)

5390091 Well i am glad that you like it so far. Also while if they were real people, not fictional characters, I would have to say yes that would make you evil. But you aren't talking about real people so eh what ever sometimes we need to see dark things to be able to see the light in our own lives. Or maybe that is just how you enjoy things what ever man. Hopefully you enjoy the rest of the story. Thanks for commenting either way.

No Lilac! Don't ignore the signs! Why do you think she was offered a frequent visitor card in the first place!

Well... Good chapter, can't wait for the next book.

Also if BonBon's throwing up she might have ate something that might not have agreed with her or, Lilac might be getting a little (half) sibling.

I'm still cracking up over the utensil action happening under Lyra and Twilight's noses without them realizing it.

38.media.tumblr.com/fd93cabe58123d49dc6ba0d8c806674c/tumblr_n1ubgkYN681s3y9slo3_500.gif
Well done. I've got that mixed feeling of reaching the end of a great story. The thrill of completion and the hollowness of knowing there is no more. And it's a good place to end a slice of life story. I'll be waiting for the next book. Not with bated breath. I need those to breathe properly. But with much enthusiasm. Arrivederci!

Love the coffee thing,..

5392086 5393075 glad that you two liked it. That was one of my favorite scenes to write.
5391425 Hmm I wonder...The answer to that one shows up early in book 2.
5392524 Thank you. I am trying to make the wait short. That is for the second book.

this story is amazing
more or sequal plz :pinkiehappy:

if its not too much trouble :fluttershysad:

5394925 A sequel is coming, a bit slower than I would like but chapter one always seems like the hardest. Don't worry I am hard at work on it though I may wait till I have at least the first three chapters done, that is to post it.

5400830
YAY :flutterrage:
*gives warm hug*
I think i love you right now :scootangel:

I read to much :twilightoops:

You're so much nicer than I am. Though it was kind of a dick move to keep Sweetie hanging like that. But that's the price we pay for foreshadowing!

Well that was sweet.

Oh Lilac, don't you see you not having earned it is a good thing? You can make Sweetie Belle so much happier that way, when she learns that it's your responsibility not your achievement and she is as good at magic as Twilight was. ...which is pretty bad at magic, but don't let her know that.

5403189 sometimes I have a hard time deciphering your comments. I am a bit confuzzeled.

Haven't opened the first chapter yet but in your synopsis "weather" should be "whether."

5403423

Sorry. I was just trying to say that if I were Sweetie and I heard that Lilac got the magic boost by some freaky evil glowing death magic, I wouldn't feel as bad about my own inability. Right now Sweetie thinks she's the one doing something wrong or she'd be better at magic. It's kind of sad because if Lilac wasn't so absorbed in self pity she might realize that beating herself up is making Sweetie Belle feel even more inadequate. That's something talented people, sadly, often do not realize.

please update or give us a sequel please:pinkiesmile::ajsmug::derpyderp2::scootangel::raritystarry::unsuresweetie:

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!