Dueling Keyboards

by FanOfMostEverything

Eat Like a Princess

Author's Note:

Inspired by the March 2024 contest, though not entered into it due to time constraints on my end. Prompt: Blasphemous Rumours.

Princess Celestia Eats Only Cake

Yes, my little ponies, I am aware of that issue of the Foal Free Press. Given that I am the alleged subject of that infamous photograph, I also know that it is a pastiche pulling largely from a photo of a bakery in the town of Ponyville.

I assure you, I have a healthy, balanced diet and a very patient royal nutritionist who makes sure that it stays that way. Small Rubbing’s portrait of me during my less flattering years still serves as a reminder that I am not immune to the consequences of excess.

That being said, an enterprising young photographer did get a candid photograph of me during my afternoon tea, which has highlighted several holes in palace security. I am glad some good came of this and am grateful to the colt… with the caveat that I will be pressing charges should it happen again. Next question, please.

Princess Luna Eats Her Subjects’ Hindquarters

Ah. ’Tis e’er the burden of the Bearer of Laughter that her words echo long after her jest has faded.

For those among you scurrilous pamphleteers who are still confused by my presence sans mad cackling, ominous thunder, and eternal night, I am Luna, not Nightmare Moon. And yet the difference between us is far less than that between the Nightmare and the folkloric fool Equestria made from her memory over the centuries. The boogeymare of Nightmare Night is confounded by what amount to a foal’s game of peek-a-boo and propitiated with sweetmeats. In this she more closely resembles those who offer her tribute than her original inspiration.

I see more than one set of eyes glazing over. Put plainly, Our subjects’ backsides shall remain whole and ungobbled under the royal aegis, now as ever. And for those hoping to see outrage and gnashing of teeth and calls for Master Sound Bite’s head on a platter, I been thoroughly apprised of the modern attitude towards lèse-majesté since the last time. Next farce, ye mummers.

Princess Cadence Eats Guards for Breakfast

You know, ever since my official title was announced, I’ve heard every joke ponies could think of when they heard “Princess of Love.” The first ones were in high school restrooms, when fillies either didn’t know I could hear them or didn’t care. They haven’t changed much since.

Because there’s really only two jokes there: I’m useless or I’m insatiable. Either “Princess of Love” is a pity title Celestia gave the poor filly who stumbled into giving herself a horn or its domain begins and ends in the bedroom. Or, ever since Shining Armor began officer training, the barracks.

Because clearly I can’t be satisfied with one stallion. Certainly not a dorky nopony from a branch of a branch family so obscure they’re left out of half of the peerages. No, obviously I have to slake my carnal thirst on as many stout young recruits as I can.

I know I got the quote from your last article right. I keep it in a scrapbook for whenever I need a laugh.

In all seriousness, I’m quite happily married. You don’t repel an invasion of shapechanging parasites with somepony you’re going to cheat on. And I am sorry for my brusqueness, but I’ve been putting up with that kind of thing for years and I’d really like to put it to rest now that Shining and I have said our vows. If we could please keep further questions on the topic of the newly discovered northern outpost?

Shining Armor Eats His Sister’s—

Good morning, everypony. As the quicker-witted among you have already determined, I am aware of the graffiti in the 3rd Platoon’s showers. I am also aware of the older graffiti in the 1st, 2nd, and 7th’s showers. I chose to say nothing then because there are few things that unify soldiers like common cause against a shared enemy, and when at peace, higher links in the chain of command can and often do serve as a substitute for enemy forces.

But Princess Twilight Sparkle is not on that chain of command. While she has indisputably contributed to the defense of our nation and its allies, she is at most a member of a paramilitary squad that answers only to the ineffable whims of Harmony itself. She is also, it must be said, my darling baby sister. As such, she is off-limits in tile scrawl on multiple levels.

I will say this only once, as both a devoted husband and a loving brother, with the confidence that doing so will never leave this arena: I am literally married to the Princess of Love itself. There is no comparison. Certainly not to the mare whose infant surges left me without eyebrows for three years.

Also, until the pony responsible comes forward, every single one of you will be running twenty extra laps every training session, beginning today. Dismissed!

Princess Twilight Sparkle Eats Only Hayburgers

Technically untrue. Sometimes Pinkie brings cupcakes to Friendship Council meetings. Next question?

Comments

[ShadowLDrago]

That last one is the perfect punchline.

[Malandy]

Nice theme! Getting slowly more offensive, then... that last one!

Shining Armor's a prince too! Technically!

Good response on the 4th!

[Lurks-no-More]

Twilight does appreciate being technically correct. (The best kind of correct!)

[Thought Prism]

I kinda wish Blueblood was included here, too, but I am nevertheless amused.

[Speckle]

I KNEW Twilight's eating habits would get the last line

I am very surprised that Shining Armor didn't go on a murder spree after finding that scrawl, but he apparently has more discipline than I do when it comes to a-holes, which is good.

A lovely slice of life and fun all around, I especially loved Celestia's passive-aggressive final paragraph and Luna lapsing into Ye Olde Ponish. And hey, mean mares from high school? Cadence is now ruler of an empire, b**ches! "ahem" Sorry about that: bullies rub me the wrong way.

[Daedalus Aegle]

Flurry Heart eats everything. She certainly tries to, at least. She is a baby.

[Kris Overstreet]

"And this is why I do all the cooking. If I left it up to Twilight we'd both be round like a basketball!" - Spike

[howard035]

How does Princess Flurry Heart respond to rumors she eats stuffed snails?

[Eroraf86]

11852878
"Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking" is always a fun trope to play around with, especially in comedy.

[Herald of Opera]

11853761
*baby horse noises*
Or, once she's older, directing ponies towards her grandparents in order to get into circulation the only other embarrassing foal pictures of a now-alicorn that exist (Cadance doesn't seem to have parents when we see her backstory in canon, while cameras probably weren't invented yet in the Sisters' foalhoods).

[howard035]

11857217
I stick with book Canon for Cadance since it's the only Canon we have, I believe she was raised communally by the earth ponies of Hollow Shades.

[Bugsydor]

Twilight needs the calories from all those hayburgurs. She's a growing alicorn!