Peak Crusading (FFF Entry)
"And we're live in five, four..." The cameragriffon switched to holding up talons for the rest of the countdown, pointing at the news desk on one.
The prerecorded opening cued up right on time, piped into the room so everyone knew their places. "Live from the KNTR Channel 7 studio in Lower Canterlot, it's 7 News at 7, with your host, Sound Bite."
The lights went up. Sound Bite, a unicorn whose navy blue coat and deeper mane blended in with his suit, gave a blinding smile to the camera. "Good evening, Equestria. Our top story tonight marks the latest development of what has quickly become invaluable to our great nation. The Cutie Mark Crusaders need no introduction, helping all creatures discover their purpose in life for over twenty years, whether helping a foal find her cutie mark or a confused creature acclimate to Equestria. Now they're writing the next chapter of their great legacy. With me here to tell us more about it is one of the founding Crusaders and head of the Ponyville chapter, Apple Bloom. Thank you for joining us."
The earth mare on the cushion next to the news desk nodded, a kerchief with the familiar upward-reaching foal emblem of the Crusaders around her neck. Even primped and polished for TV, she possessed a sincere, down-home charm in both demeanor and smile. "It's a pleasure, Sound."
"So what is this latest development?"
"Well, these days the world's changin' faster'n it ever has before." After a moment's thought, Apple Bloom added, "Exceptin' Discord, o' course. And frankly, sometimes findin' your special talent don't always mean you've found your place in life."
Sound allowed his eyebrows to rise. "That's surprising to hear from somepony like you. What do you mean?"
"One thing you learn quick growin' up in Ponyville is that Harmony works in mysterious ways. Somepony, or any other creature, might be needed in the right place at the right time and make all the difference in the world." Apple Bloom shook her head. "Thing is, that don't put a roof over their head in the meantime. We've hashed out the nitty-gritty in Ponyville, and now all nineteen chapters of the Cutie Mark Crusaders will officially roll out what we're callin' the Esoteric Crusade guidance services startin' next week.
"What inspired this?"
"A filly name o' Kettle Corn found her talent in writin' haiku at our very first cutie mark day camp. Years later, she came to me personally. Mare was furious, tellin' me how she was workin' double shifts at the Hayburger jus' to pay rent, comin' home too tired t' count syllables, feelin' miserable day in an' day out.
"Well, I wasn't gonna let that stand, no sir. I called Scoots an' Sweetie home an' all three of us worked with Kettle, providin' financial aid an' helpin' her find a publisher. Now she's gotten two books on the Manehattan Times best-seller list and got sent by the Map o' Harmony itself to shame an oni general outta his invasion plans. We took what we learned from that and generalized it, makin' work for anypony who needs a bit more help makin' a livin' doin' what they love."
Sound nodded. "I see. So it's just for ponies?"
"Kinda has to be for just them and zebras. There ain't much difference between Esoteric Crusadin' and our usual services for nonponies. It was Scootaloo who pointed out we were reinventin' the wheel when helpin' Kettle. There are some distinctions, o' course, but it just don't make sense for anyone who don't have a cutie mark."
"Are you worried about any accusations of pro-pony bias as you introduce the new service?"
Bloom rolled her eyes. "Folks're always gonna complain when somethin' new an' different comes around. Creatures bellyached when Princess Twilight took the throne, they bellyached when the Crusaders started openin' branch chapters, an' they're gonna bellyache here. I know it ain't diplomatic to say, but you can't please everycreature every time."
"Wise words," Sound said with a nod. "Can you give us another example of a creature who's benefited from the program in its preliminary stages?"
"I'd be glad to. I've been workin' with a unicorn named Higher Power who's a great example of what the program can do.
"See, Higher's special talent is ministerin', but truth be told, he's in the wrong place an' the wrong time. Faith ain't a big concern in Ponyville, not when you can see Castle Canterlot from yer backyard on a clear day and Luna still comes by every Nightmare Night." Apple Bloom shrugged. "Alicorns ain't somethin' to revere in our town, they're just ponies with all the trimmins.
"Now before the Esoteric Crusade, we'd try our best with somepony like Higher, but he knows what his talent is and he ain't lost touch with it. There'd only be so much we could do. But with the program, we take a two-pronged approach. In Ponyville, we're helpin' him learn somethin' in higher demand that he can fall back on. In his case, it's therapy. It ain't spiritual guidance, but it's guidance all the same, helpin' ponies help themselves. An' while we're doin' that, we got ears on the ground or clouds in every city with a Crusader chapter scoutin' for positions that need Higher's particular set o' skills. Already heard back from a few interested places."
"I see." Sound brought a hoof to his chin. "And how much work does this entail?"
"Which part?"
"Contacting those who have an available ministerial position. I imagine given the low demand, they're very picky."
Apple Bloom waved off the idea. "Demand's only low 'cause it's a rare talent. Ponies ain't fond o' givin' folks jobs if the mark don't match. It's part o' why other creatures find it so hard t' get started in Equestria. When there is a position available in matters o' faith, they want it filled up ASAP. When they hear we'll help subsidize vestments, liturgical trainin', an' suchlike, why, they're fightin' with one another t' make the best offer."
"What kind of sales pitch gets them going so easily?"
"Like I said, they don't need much sweet talkin'. All I gotta tell 'em is that I sell praypone and praypone accessories."
I did warn you all that I'd be making another Feghoot Festival entry.
And if by some sad chance you don't understand, oh, you will:
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God
DAMN
it
Oh my god, why?
Nailed it. And us.
I don't think I've ever properly watched King of the Hill, but I still knew the reference immediately. Also, Apple Bloom is right that nobody has cared about Twilicorn in so long that even Fame and Misfortune decided that an elderly pony would be the one to decry it. Heck, by the time that episode aired most of the target audience would only have seen her as a unicorn in reruns and Spring Breakdown, which writ large was the entire clumsily-handled point of Fame and Misfortune.
You know, I saw this on trending, saw it was by FoME, thought I'd have a look cos I like their work, then looked at the thumbnail, and immediately said:
"But why is she coming up from under the S?"
Because that's what's important, clearly.
...I'm gonna go slap my knee until it bleeds.
Well, butane is in the eye of the pray tolder, I suppose.
I suspected this was your next feghoot about halfway through.
I was not disappointed.
Jokes aside, this was a fascinating place to take the Crusaders.
Wow, that was a cool bit of future fic, then it got weird, with the minister.
Then the feghoot came. I was confused, until I saw the title of the video.
Nice!
---
Typos:
quickly become an invaluable in our great nation.
[An invaluable what?]
...
After a moment's though > After a moment's thought
Must you?
I need this story because
I saw that it was an entry and i just had to see what you did....
You sonvabitch...
goddamn you that hurt
Damnit, FoME!
I got to meet one of the artists from the koth team and his dad. Fun fact: said father designed Batman.
AUGH
I have the angriest smile on my face right now.
Beahahahaahahahahaha.....I love puns