Cold Comfort
Gotham City was not a nice place.
Anyone who paid the slightest bit of attention to current affairs knew that. More than Trenton, Camden, or even Atlantic City, Gotham was responsible for the entire state of New Jersey’s terrible reputation. It was a study in crime so advanced and commonplace that it had become a society and job market unto itself, even with the Batman skulking through the night.
Mr. Freeze had an uneasy place in that society, not so much a gang boss as an unfeeling force of nature who happened to need help robbing jewelry stores and cryogenic research labs. But he was less crazy than the Joker, less hostile to animal life than Poison Ivy, and less consumed by his ego than the Riddler. So when Jimmy Santorini couldn’t find any work on the docks, he found himself shivering in a parka and a balaclava in the middle of June.
Freeze’s hideouts were always, well, freezing. The man was a human icicle, after all. He did make some concessions for his flunkies, but Jimmy could still see his breath even the outermost portions of the warehouse. And right now, he wasn’t in those portions. Freeze had asked the boys to keep an eye out for the Batmobile and to report to him if it got uncomfortably close.
Well, he’d said they’d do that, phrased more like a law of physics than an order, but that was just the way he was. Hard. Strict. Cold, since there was no way to avoid the term with him. Not out of hatred or spite; he didn’t really get human feelings anymore. Not according to the old hands who’d been with him for years. He treated his men the same way he treated his freeze ray, and had the same vaguely annoyed reaction when either didn’t behave the way he wanted.
In any case, the black car worth more than Jimmy’d probably see in his life had sped right by the hideout not two minutes ago, though it had been chasing after the Penguin’s even more expensive limousine. Still, everyone agreed the boss ought to know, and they’d picked the new guy to be the one to interrupt whatever he’d been working on.
So in Jimmy went, pulling the ski mask down over his face as he passed layer after layer of insulation, temperature dropping with every door. Frost soon painted every surface white, and shortly after that he had to duck around icicles.
The inner sanctum was mostly free of ice, but it was still stark white where equipment didn’t get in the way. The air was cold enough to feel like it would crack if Jimmy moved too fast. And Mr. Freeze… wasn’t at his workbench, or a whiteboard, or even staring at a picture of his wife.
Instead, he sat on an uncushioned couch Jimmy had assumed was an AC unit, in front of a TV screen that blended in seamlessly with the walls. And the coldest man in Gotham, a blue mannequin dressed up like an astronaut who'd frozen in orbit…
“Everyone else, we need to build an exact copy of Ponyville right over there. We've got less than a minute!”
Was watching cartoon ponies.
Jimmy froze. It wasn’t the temperature, it was fear of what the boss would do if he ever found out someone knew about this. Mr. Freeze wasn’t known for making examples of his goons, but that just meant he did it quietly enough that the rumor couldn’t get started. They certainly hadn’t for this.
A hand grabbed the back of Jimmy’s coat and pulled. The floor was slick enough that he skidded back at first, and he was smooth enough that he didn’t yelp when he noticed the tug.
From behind him, a gruff voice said, “Batmobille passed by, sir. Pursuin’ the Penguin. Doubt he noticed anything.”
“Noted, William.” Beyond that, Mr. Freeze didn’t shift.
By the time Jimmy was back outside Freeze’s personal area, Bill, the Minnesotan with a build and mustache like a walrus who’d been showing him the ropes, dusted his hands and said “Y’ okay there, Jim?”
“I… that…” Jimmy could only point back towards the room, from which he could swear he heard faint strains of polka music. “Huh?”
Bill nodded. “Ya, we try t’ keep that quiet.”
“The hell is even going on?” It might have been a scream if Jimmy had dared to speak above a whisper.
Bill sucked a breath between his teeth as he led Jimmy back out. “Well, that’s a bit tricky there. You’ve kept yer ear t’ the ground, so you know most Gotham villains aren’t right in the head.”
Jimmy nodded. That, at least, was familiar ground. “Sure. They put them in Arkham for a reason.”
“An’ Mr. Fries, well, he’s had some hard times, ya know.” Bill insisted on the proper pronunciation of the boss’s name. Well, he insisted that he insisted. Jimmy couldn’t tell the difference.
“I was in town for what woulda been his seventh anniversary,” said Jimmy with a roll of his eyes. “You know, the one where he was gonna encase the whole city in a glacier.”
“The nitrogen anniversary. He thought it was clever at the time. But ya, it goes back to Nora, like most things with him.” Bill shook his head. “They’ve all got their bad days. Us flunkies talk. Not anything official, that’s just askin’ the bat or the cops to get in on it, but we talk. Ya didn’t hear it from me, but Two Face can’t get outta bed without flippin’ two heads in a row. An’ Calendar Man, hoo boy.”
Jimmy rolled his eyes.“I did my research. I’ve heard enough to write a book on Calendar Man. But what about Freeze?”
“He… gets quiet. You may have seen him lookin’ at that picture o’ Nora. But on the real bad days, he stops thinkin’ about what was and starts on what… might’ve been, if ya follow.” Bill gestured back towards the cold room.
Jimmy thought about it, long enough that the theme song of the next episode started playing. “He’s… he’s watching cartoons with the daughter he never had, isn’t he?”
Bill nodded. “He doesn’t mind being interrupted if you’re quick about it. Just don’t say anything on the better days an’ you’ll be fine.”
Jimmy leaned his head against one of the walls. The chill flowing into him helped a bit with the growing headache. “Damn it, this job’s just supposed to be grabbing diamonds and hauling coolant. No one said anything about playing therapist.”
“It’s not somethin’ we talk about much, but it’s definitely part of it.” Bill patted him on the shoulder. “Ya get used to it, Jim.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of.”
And for a few months, that was that. Grabbing diamonds, hauling coolant, and pretending not to notice how no heists were ever planned for Saturday mornings. Jimmy did have one brush with the Batman, but it turned out the guy actually accepted surrender. Sure, he'd snarled out, “Try anything and you’ll regret it,” but at least Jimmy had came out of it with his jaw intact.
But then came something unavoidable. Something that, despite Jimmy’s best efforts, had him going back into that walk-in freezer in the middle of the hideout. “Uh, sir?”
“Yes, Giacomo?” Mr. Freeze said, not even looking up from tinkering with his freeze ray. That was the way he was; everything had its proper name and he would use it. Jimmy didn’t get a nickname anymore than the “ectothermic induction coil.”
“Well, y-you know I wouldn’t bother you if it wasn’t important, but, y’see—”
“A frivolous request would be less bothersome than your current hemming and hawing,” said Mr. Freeze. There was no shift in his expression or tone, but a fresh chill still ran down Jimmy’s spine. “Speak, or my answer will be ‘No’ regardless.”
Jimmy gave a stiff nod. “Right. Sure. Well, my niece’s sixth birthday is coming up and I don’t have much spending money—”
“A bonus, then. I cannot spare further financial resources at this time.”
“It’s not that. I was hoping good ol’ Uncle Jimmy could surprise her with an ice sculpture.”
That got a momentary downward twitch of Freeze’s lips, a hint of a furrowed brow. “I will not—”
And Jimmy put down what was either his ace in the hole or a 2-7 offsuit. “Of Twilight Sparkle.”
Freeze froze. And finally, he looked up. It was hard to tell behind those red-lensed goggles, but he might have actually looked interested. “When is her birthday, precisely?”
Jimmy’s mouth worked silently for a few moments. In his wildest dreams, he’d never actually thought he’d get to this point. “Uh, Thursday, but the party’ll be on the weekend.”
“I see.” Freeze turned back to his work, though whatever he was doing, he was doing it a bit faster now. “I will have it ready at 8 AM on Saturday. I trust that you can transport it without my assistance.”
“Shouldn’t be a problem. And thanks.”
“It will make for a novel precision test for the new adjustments.” The faintest hint of a grin crossed Freeze’s face. “And, technically speaking, you men are the closest things I have to friends.”
Just as Jimmy began to relax, Freeze looked back up. Even with the goggles, there was no mistaking the glare. “That said, do not expect any further favors along such lines.”
Jimmy nodded like his head was going to fall off. “Of course. But thanks again.”
Freeze waved him off. “Yes, yes. Go. This will require further adjustment.”
Jimmy didn’t quite run for the door. The floor did sometimes get slippery this far in. But he still left fast enough that he couldn’t be sure if he really heard the boss singing something under his breath.
Even if he had, it didn’t make any sense. The hell was “Winter Wrap-Up”?
This all stems from one bit of interaction in Injustice 2:
Hey, inspiration comes in all forms.
And yes, Gotham is canonically in southern New Jersey, on the other side of the Delaware Bay from Metropolis.
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Face hoof. That said, great story.
There needs to be a followup where Batman watches an episode with him and they gain a better understanding of each other.
But also that was marvelous.
Hey, Bill! I love Bill
The feels!
And lol, Jimmy, that request! Nice tho!
If you absolutely positively have to ask the boss for a favor always make sure its one he would enjoy.
Every villian has their human side, and nothing warms a human side like the my little pony theme song. Well, and Pinkie Pie.
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MLP marathons have been proposed multiple times by the folks at Arkham. It gets shot down every time, but by narrower and narrower margins. Though everyone agrees to leave out "The Mysterious Mare-Do-Well" and "Power Ponies."
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Every good team of minions needs a Bill. Someone's got to be team dad, and odds are it won't be the supervillain.
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Words to live (and not get frozen solid) by.
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Freeze hasn't liked Pinkie as much after his attempt to achieve quantum tunneling via supercooled quantum nonsense. But even he can't completely hate her.
FOME? You are a mad genius and we all love you for it
I'm so glad somebody did something with that reference. I was somewhere between a spittake and laughing my butt off when I first heard it
Bravo!
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I thought the explanation would be the doctors at Arkham started showing Fries episodes to try coaxing human interaction from him.
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She makes the most awesome slushies.
A story made of nothing but plot twists? You cold, mad mind. I giggled.
Twilight is his favorite...until someone shows him Snowdrop!