• Member Since 18th Jul, 2013
  • offline last seen 4 hours ago

Lord Of Dorkness

Deep into that dorkness peering...


A perverted commission, a miscast spell and a thoroughly irritated fashionista has resulted in the latest adorable threat against Equestria as we know it. How will Rarity and friends fix the squeaky bind she has found herself in?

My first attempt at a crack fic, written for the 2014 January contest of the Balloon Ponies group.

That, the short description and the tags really should tell you all you need to know if this story is for you or not.

No outright intercourse, but the humor is somewhat crude in parts. Just a heads up.

I also wish to point out the lack of a Dark tag given how common it is for this sort of stories. This is a comedy.

I won't make a schedule, but this should be done in time for the contest deadline of Feb 2 and be about four-five chapters. Sorry for those waiting on my other fics... but this one has a best-by date.

Chapters (2)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 23 )

Hm. Interesting concept.
A few grammatical errors here 'n there but nothing to fuss about.
I don't really know what to say about this story so far except that it's strange, but in a good way.

I'll be following this. :raritywink:

Balloon Ponies

Lol whut? Is this a new fad? :derpytongue2:

Opal was currently preoccupied with enough catnip to kill a mountain lion

BTW, cats are usually interested in catnip just for twenty or thirty minutes. Then it loses its appeal for some time.

“IT ALL MAKES SENSE!” Sweetie shouted excitedly, a glimmer of metal just visibly in the gloom. “OF COURSE WE REALLY LIVE IN A HELIOCENTRIC SOLAR SYSTEM AND CELESTIA AND LUNA JUST FAKE IT ALL!”

Of course it is! I'm so proud for you, filly! :twilightsmile:


Yo, dawg, I heard you like fur so we put your ponies into fursuit so they can be double-fured while you ride them.

Even pretty little ponies not free from furries! Woe is me! :raritycry:


Twilight: Here you are, one "Garden of Forbidden Delights", enchanted with a translation spell.
Rarity: Thank you, you are a real lifesaver like always. One day I think I should bedight you with strapon and just lift my tail. :raritywink:
Twilight: It's not that kind of fanfic, but I'll remember your proposition. :twilightblush:
Rarity: Celestia blind me, you hang with Pinkie Pie too much.


Glad you like it so far and thanks for pointing it out.

I'm not sure how much it helped, but I gave the story another read-through and touched up a few parts.


In order:

* Not my kink, but I noticed the group and that they have a contest running and actually got a idea that seemed fun... So why not, right?

* I honestly didn't know that. Still, considering the Comedy tag I think I can get away with leaving it.

* I wanted something ludicrous for the Crusaders to do... and conspiracy theories sprang to mind. It kinda just flowed from there

* :rainbowwild:

* I actually flirted mentally with the idea of making this clop, but once more the latex and similar is simply not my kink. I think that would have shone through, so I decided to keep it "clean."

This ought to be interesting.
Keep going! ;)

Well, one the plus side, it'll be a lot easier to pull herself together with a common Fix It spell, right? And another plus is that she has to wear clothes or a decent gust of wind will send her flying across Ponyville-- and so much more fashionable than dreary looking hoof-weights.

So I guess today's lesson is; Deal with it, it's just another typical day in Ponyville.

p.s. Was it intentional to spell "off" as "of" and "of" as "off" in almost every use? Once or twice is a common mistake, but every time?

You know, I favourited this story on a whim, because the idea of a latex Rarity was vaguely amusing. But this chapter....
....I have no words. Have a like, favourite and a follow. You're fucking awesome. :moustache:


...Oh, bugger. Hadn't even thought of that solution. One the plus-side, I think I figured out how to work it into a joke so thanks for pointing it out!

And thanks for pointing out the spelling. I thought I'd had a handle on of and off, but I'll comb trough the chapters and try to correct them.


Don't worry! This isn't that type of story.

....I promise everypony will have at least the same number of limbs they started with in the end! :pinkiecrazy:


Glad to hear! Any particular spots in particular though? I tried to keep the humor quick firing, but if any of them fell flat I'd like to hear it.


Thank you so much for the kind words!


The humor is okay, but the pacing of the story gets bogged down in several of the dialogues (Rarity and Sweetie Belle's, for example).

Quality over quantity. On their own, the funny parts are good, but when you put too many together without advancing the story as a whole, the reader starts thinking "okay, 'hahaha' and everything, but can we move on from here now?"


I had a feeling that would be one of the examples.

I mentioned it briefly in the notes, but I'm trying to have everybody reasonably in character. I sadly think that part is as brisk as I can make it at the moment without loosing that.

Still, this was the tricky chapter for me. To get the proverbial ball rolling without the characters acting too stupid or wildly out of character. Things should be a bit smoother from here on out.

more then enough punishment

better then the whole boutique burning

in more ways then the shine

so much better then the Camel Sutra

I fail to see why I can’t have more then one

heart was in her throat, but other then that

popped balloon then flesh or similar.


rigor vita

RIgor vitae
Genitive case.

Rarity let out a shocked gasp. “Phylacteries?! You’ve made us all into liches just waiting for something to knock us down hard enough to be fatal?!”

And that's why Twilight is a mare for my own heart. :derpytongue2:

I’ve wanted one of these since I was just a filly!

Me too, me too...

flying Rarity's head

Damned demi-liches are too overpowered...

Excellent chapter.


I personally hear the late but great Ian Richardson thanks to his role as Death in Hogfather, or Christopher Lee as the same but in the Soul Music TV-series.


But Brian Blessed is an excellent choice too.

People seem to forget that although he may be the king of hamming it up, he's a really good actor as well. And when he isn't making the Scots go deaf he's got a rather pleasant voice as well. :twilightsmile:

So, all of Twilight's friends are undead now. Cool. And Rarity's a disembodied head. Also good! Though I do wonder if she'll ever get her body back.

Oh mah gosh, please continue this! :rainbowlaugh: The second chapter was hilarious and unpredictable! I'm excited to see more!

I did overlook some spelling/grammar issues that I hope you try to avoid, but it didn't take too much from the story in my opinion. :twilightsmile:


Thank you. Always nice to see even one of your weird little experiments resonate with people. :twilightsmile:

I fully intend to finish this one day, but I've simply been busy with my other stories.

I did overlook some spelling/grammar issues that I hope you try to avoid, but it didn't take too much from the story in my opinion. :twilightsmile:

Believe it or not, but I'm actually not a native speaker. I normally have pre-readers/editors to help me with that, but since this was originally for a contest I didn't want to risk a conflict of interest.

Again, something I intend to fix, but with this story on hiatus it's simply on the backburner.

Still, glad you enjoyed it, and thanks for reading! :raritywink:

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!