Current description is outdated and horrible. Thank you for your patience while I figure out one that actually does this story justice.
Note: I think this story works better if read without the long synopsis. The sex and gore tag refers to light content of both. Think summer-blockbuster.
The story is a HIE with post-cyberpunk in the mix, and most of the human main characters are full-body cyborgs meant to look like MLP:FIM characters. If this is enough to grab your interest, then please skip the below text.
Spoiler prevention.
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It is the year 2310 and trans-humanism is within the grasp of anybody that cares for it...
The public responded with "Eww..."
Even so, life and technology marches on.
Such as in the Pheidippides, humanities first try at a manned starship with a range outside our solar-system.
But not all see it as a glorious day. The Ludz, a neo-luddite terrorist group is howling for blood...
And that was before Captain Gregory starts recruiting heavily among the transhuman community.
The response, sabotage of the experimental engines.
Now, stuck in orbit above a world that shouldn't exist, in a ship that barely is holding together and most of his crew dead or wounded...
How exactly do you perform first contact... when your experts looks like bad imitations of the heroes of the land?
The other character tag refers to: Shining Armor, Cadance, Luna and Celestia.
Edited by the talented AppleTank and formerly edited by Razzle Dazzle. Go show your appreciation by checking out their stuff if you have a moment.
Cover by AppleTank. His DeviantArt page may be found here.
This is quite good so far. It'd be notice to get a bit more background, I was somewhat lost a couple of times there. It'd probably be a good idea to give a bit of an explanation of, for example, the whole transhumanist thing. Otherwise, I'm looking forward to more.
3313196
I actually have a glossary half-written... but the story got approved faster then I thought it would. A nice problem to have, but still...
That, and the seminar with
and 
will have a lot of info. It's a few chapters away, but I intend for it to be not only a introduction, but also a way to show both the limitations and the strengths of the tech in universe.
In the meantime, if there is anything that is making you scratch your head, feel free to ask and I will do my best to clarify.
Wow. This is actually really, impressively good. I am suddenly extremely glad I thought to check Adventure fics. Really good job, man. Super excited to see the launch. If I had to pick something as my favorite, I'd probably flip a table, then decide that the dialogue scene with Pinkie Prime was the best. Also, #431 as shorthand makes sense once you get to the point where her family is explained, but before then it felt like an arbitrary number, rather than a proper, identifying "name". May be something you want to work on, may not be. It could very easily be for effect.
3317713
...Your favorite part was a third of chapter one?
Thank you so much for that compliment, it made my day.
But regarding #431's name, it's for both flavor and to show a bit of Pinkie Prime's character.
As far as she is concerned, she nabbed the greatest name ever, the moment it reached public domain.
What mother doesn't want the best of everything for their child?
That is also the reason for the rule 63 Pinkies being called Pinkerton Eskel Pie in this fic, she (and by extension her children) didn't care much for "Berry Punch." (Nor do I, to be honest. But details.)
Oh, and don't look up the meaning of Eskel. It might be the lamest joke I've ever told.
I am intrigued, but we'll have to see where it goes from here.
One point: how did the cypony-primes overcome neuron loss and brain shrinkage? That's a major concern if you're stretching brain-life into multiple centuries... (I'm presuming the Pinkie clan members are 0% meat.)
3318999
I'm going to go into that in the chapter with the seminar, but short answer is a combination of medical nano-bots, anti-aging drugs and artificial stem-cells.
Most of the (cyborg) cast have a hippocampus implant that lets them save memories as well. It's basically the same tech as the brain-uploads, but smaller scale.
Oh, and although a few of the cast have forks of their own, or even biological family... Well, to be blunt, Pinkie Prime is the only one with a brood. As it was implied in this chapter, she was one of the people that helped develop the tech and she went just a tad overboard.
And some of the Pie clan actually do use cloned gray-matter, but their a tiny minority. Basically they are the ones that got hit with "Pinocchio syndrome," and wanted something more tangible as a link to their mom.
I'm honestly not sure if that or they are even going to be more then briefly mentioned in the fic, but I thought it might be a interesting bit of trivia/word of god.
And more questions like this, please! This is my first attempt at Sci-Fi, but if it gets even one person to ask more about about the science I must be doing something right!
Not to mention, if I do miss something... Well, I would rather have egg on my face than spread misinformation.
3319296 Well, it helps that you're diving straight in to Neuromancer / Ghost in the Shell territory with this first chapter.
3319331
Ghost In The Shell was actually one of my inspirations!
...As a warning example of what not to do.
But seriously, that part where #431 speaks about her PDA? Its a built in computer that is almost completely cut of from her brain. Precisely to avoid any mind hacking unpleasantness, while still letting her do stuff like the family chat.
Honestly, I like the movie, but it is one of the few Sci-Fi anything that freaks me out. Who would implant a direct and wire-less route to your mind, like that? It's just begging for some 1337-haxor twit to try erasing you. Out of spite.
And come to think about it, I don't think they ever explained why that tech was standard... I mean come on, not even a off switch?
3319390 The manga explains a bit better than either of the theatrical movies or the anime, actually. Ghost in the Shell's core premise is that there is something like a spirit, something transcendental (or at least emergent) that exists above and separate from either body or brain. Thus Major Kusanagi can change bodies more or less the same way non-cyborgs change clothes.
It's rather difficult to change clothes if nobody puts any zippers, buttons, elastic, etc. in. Likewise, it's difficult for an AI/ghost/whatever to change bodies without a data port of some kind.
All your Pinkies, apparently, are hard-wired into their "phlacteries." I had presumed Echidna wasn't, since she's described as an AI whose only physical body is a manufacturing plant... and she's resigning her post, implying she has some means to stop inhabiting (possessing? haunting?) said plant.
3319489
Ah, that makes more sense. My exposure to the franchise is only the movie, I'm afraid.
Basically the phylactery system is my/the fic's answer to the same problem, but with brain-jars that happens to look like a head. As #431 hinted, the only real difference between her and her mom is what's inside those artificial skulls.
And I'm going to go into Echidna a bit in the next chapter.
This... is... gonna.. be.. EPIC!
mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw2884-Rainbow_Dash_leg_wiggle_2.gif
this is good very good.
Oh yeah. Glorious Glorious Sci Fi. Now if only the tech actually got here so I could try some on.... I wouldn't mind being the grandma-matriarch. I can have sooo much fun messing around with that tech.
*spaces out*
Reaching :"Outside the Reaching Sky" levels of squee.
Onto the story itself, absolutely marvelous worldbuilding you got here. I wonder if there are other similar Sci Fi's out there. I would eat em up.
The main problems are that there are numerous typos and misplaced quote marks. A lot.
leading up to: Or a poor attempt at flirting…”; a poor joke leading up or a poor attempt at flirting (I'm not so sure about this one. Needs rework)
That a I knew she had complete control off how; That I knew
e that… But ; Nitpick, but I think the "B" should be lowercase. Completely optional.
bit. “...But I d; Same sentence, technically. Lowercase "B"
…” ”I gentl; Extra Quote Mark.
Buts he was; But she was (I thought RD was a male until other pronouns)
Every Time one gets; lowercase, unless its for emphasis. Then maybe italics.
“A, miss Echidna.; Nit pick, but "Ah" seems like a better word choice.
...Your serious; You're
“[Gha!]; Missing Quote mark.
april fools; Holiday name. April Fools.
Plan b was; Usually, when stating single letters, cap 'em.
they were stimulated; simulated. (Made me confused for 5 sec)
Very funny, ma’am. But seriously, you go ahead; (I don't get the joke.)
recognize half off; of
Otherwise, keep up the MARVELOUS work.
-Appletank, signing out.
P.S.: I just realized that Pinkie Prime is the Borg Queen, but nicer.
3322181
...Bugger, that many left? Still, thanks so much for pointing them out. Fixing.
And for taking the time to write it like that. Makes it much easier for me to find and fix the problems.
In fact... would you have any interest in acting as proofreader/editor? I've been thinking about getting one, and that post was more or less the kind off feedback I'm looking for.
But the typos aside...
Ahead. A head. Yes, it was that lame a pun... and now I've explained it. Thus making the joke worse.
Thank you!
Huh, hadn't actually thought of it like that. I just thought it a nifty Sci-Fi twist on the mirror-pool...
Must. Resist. Urge. To...
Write non-canon chapter...!
USS Enterprise, a very different version of Q Who. A giant pink and black cube appears on the viewing screen. It opens communications...
PC: WE ARE THE PIE CLAN. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL PAR- OH, SHINY! DO YOU WAX, OR SOMETHING?
Picard and Q: "...What?"
PC: "OHHH. HI, Q! HOW GOES THE SUFFICIENTLY ADVANCED ALIEN BUSINESS?
Q: "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO THE BORG?!
PC: "WHAT, THAT OLD BUNCH OF PARTY-POPPERS?"
Q: "YES!"
PC: "THE OLD QUEEN WAS DUMB ENOUGH TO TRY TOUCHING MY CHILDREN. I STUCK HER HEAD ON A UGLY ROOMBA AS RETALIATION. SHE MAKES A MUCH BETTER MAID, THEN A RULER, ANYWAY..."
Borg Queen, in background: "Killllll meeeeee..."
Q, utterly speechless.
PC: "NOW... WHAT DID YOU INTEND TO MAKE US DO TO THIS SHINY YOUNG MAN, YOUNG MAN?"
Q: "...Nothing."
PC: "GOOD. NOW... WHO WANT TO HAVE A FIRST-CONTACT PARTY?!" *The sound of a thousand party horns, blowing simultaneously.*
3323302
Yeeaah. Especially ->
You know. The wriggling spinal cord, the detachable head, the spare body. Legions of "family" that are technically part of the origin.
Oh boy.
On a side note, If I have time, I could probably edit for you. College, procrastination, my own work (Magic Fortress), you know, the average brain power consumer. On the plus side, I get early access. What fun.
I'm only really good at typos. Grammar is a bit beyond me, but you seem to have a good grasp of it. Just the hands to keyboard thing. Something I noticed, which makes sense in retrospect, though time consuming: If you know you typo a lot, edit/type in short sections at a time, like a page or two, then take a few minutes break. I think it works.
3323488
...Huh. Didn't think about any of that. The resemblance is somewhat uncanny, but it was completely unintentional.
I was thinking more about this dude, when I thought up the system:
static.comicvine.com/uploads/original/4/49448/1137485-mr._freeze.jpg
I was a weird kid, but Victor Freeze was actually one of my idols growing up. Don't get me wrong, he's a bad guy... but I have a soft spot for people that simply will not give up.
And would gladly accept the help. Spelling is weak-point of mine. I'll send a PM and ask if you have time, when I'm putting the finishing touches on chapter 2.
3323568
...Chapter 2 is coming?
*drools*
On a side note, if you have time, can you review-ish my fic?
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/130261/magic-fortress
If you're busy, I understand. I don't write sometimes cuz I'm lazy. Like now. Of course, I should be studying now, but hey.
Knowledge of source material is optional.
Taking the slow route of advertising, here.
Alright, I'm impressed, this story is shaping up to be one of my favorites and its only the first chapter. I am really loving the world you have built for this story as well. I can definetly say I'm not going to be thinking "hurry and get on with it!" regarding the chapters leading up to the contact bit.
Excellent work and I eagerly await the next installment.
This is hands - i mean, hooves down the most wonderful thing i have ever had the pleasure to read. And it's only chapter one. I can NOT wait to see what's next.
3324394>>3323920>>3320987>>3321475
Thank you! Those words means a lot.
3323575
Sure, I don't have time right now, but I don't mind doing a favor for a favor.
Oh, and I fixed the spelling. Thanks again for pointing those things out.
3323568
I always thought THAT version of Mr. Freeze would have made a great hero if that version of Batman hadnt' been so hot to prevent PUNISHER-type competition from arising...
One of the failings of the 90s era Batman and Superman, really, writing half of the villans as so sympathetically tragic, you have to wonder why the hero did not make any attempt to turn them and recruit them...
3328074
Oh yeah... especially considering that in the animated series his freeze-ray didn't even kill people. (To my memory, but it has been awhile.)
And considering how obsessed Freeze is with restoring Nora...
If only a eccentric playboy billionaire, that Victor doesn't have a grief with, could offer a lab and founding in exchange for the crimes stopping, or something...
But that's just crazy talk.
Now this, I am liking a lot...
The summery was intriguing, if a little generic in delivery but the premiss...
My mined is blown, it is literally beyond words I can summon on such short notice.
3328338
Glad to hear it!
And I know both summaries are a bit bad. I've always been a bit verbose, I'm afraid. And since I manly tried to avoid spoiling any twists... Well, that also worked against my strengths a bit.
3328392 Yeah, summaries are tricky things sometimes. I always worry if I'm letting on too much or being to vague or just plain cheesy.
3329174
Yeah, but thanks for mentioning it.
I thought about it, and I added "cyborg" before the repeating of "the mane six" in the short description.
It's still not as good as it should be, but hopefully this gives a bit more info about what type of story this is.
Colour me very interested.
Equestrian Pinkie Pie: Oh, it's going be a doozy!
Cyborg Queen Pinkie Pie in arachnoid frame arrives.
Equestrian Pinkie Pie:
Why do you have so many legs?
Queen Pinkie Pie: To mix eight batches of cupcakes in the same time, silly!
Equestrian Pinkie Pie:
I think I found another bestest friend!
3330987
...For eight batches simultaneously, wouldn't that use all the legs?
Queen Pinkie: "Its a flying giant-spider, silly!"
Ah, that makes sense.
*Beat.*
Ahhhhhhhhhh!
>the right name for a android
>That was buisness
>janked the poor computer in question of it so hard
>Humanities first attempt at a manned mission outside our solar system
>It took her awhile
>wondering just what your planning with
>My grin turned as wicked as a cartoon villains
>there was a few things
>Everytime, I tell myself
>There’ just something so
>I disturbingly girlish giggle floated through the air
>To you credit
>Her brain, thats it
>Mom and I have more in common then we don't
>wait for the go ,OK?
>her voice unaffected by the that her jaws currently lacked lips
>they where telescopic
>its her latest design
>#200 hesitated, but noded
>trust in you? if you or your
>I did smile a bit, thought
>it was awhile since the last shipment
>Well, given that even
>Anytime, Ma’am
>its been awhile
>you treated mom better while she was lacking a face, then quite a lot of people manage
>Her eyes flickered black again
wow
such errors
neat
24.media.tumblr.com/6ca1db86629a49c7fae1c3d3a1094586/tumblr_mq1h1yYVUA1szim6vo1_250.jpg
Liked and faved.
Even if your other story was also quite good, I am starting to think that this one will surpass it.
So this is fun. This dude has a solid head on his shoulders, never let him go #431!
Keep going! ;)
3335439
So sorry it took me so long to reply. I've been busy.
But thanks so much for pointing the errors out, but there are a few I need a bit clarified.
3335439
>the right name for a android
an.
>That was business
Fixed. Business.
>janked the poor computer in question of it so hard
Fixed. Yanked.
>Humanities first attempt at a manned mission outside our solar system
Fixed. humanity's
>It took her awhile
...Little help? I'm not seeing it.
>wondering just what your planning with
Changed to: wondering just what you're planning on doing with
>My grin turned as wicked as a cartoon villains
Fixed. Added a apostrophe.
>there was a few things
Fixed. Were.
>Everytime, I tell myself
Fixed. Every-time.
>There’ just something so
Fixed the forgotten s.
>I disturbingly girlish giggle floated through the air
Exchanged the rogue I for a A.
>To you credit
r added.
>Her brain, thats it
' added.
>Mom and I have more in common then we don't
Sorry, not seeing it.
>wait for the go ,OK?
Moved the comma.
>her voice unaffected by the that her jaws currently lacked lips
Added forgotten word. (Fact.)
>they where telescopic
Fixed. Were.
>its her latest design
Added '.
>#200 hesitated, but noded
Fixed. Added a d.
>trust in you? if you or your
Capitalized the i.
>I did smile a bit, thought
Removed the t.
>it was awhile since the last shipment
Was changed to has been.
>Well, given that even
Removed the extra space.
>Anytime, Ma’am
Not seeing it.
>its been awhile
changed to it has.
>you treated mom better while she was lacking a face, then quite a lot of people manage
Not seeing it.
>Her eyes flickered black again
Fixed. Removed extra space.
3340645
Why, thank you.
Would you believe me if I told you I started this one, when my other was stuck in limbo thanks to the 5S/4 ban?
3350321
Glad your liking the chemistry between the two.
This...this is just perfect. I love this story.
Now I'm imagining the entire Pie clan talking with each other like a Warhammer 40k Ork Waaagh group.
I've... got 40k on the mind, so... yeah...
Wait a second. Trixie?
You do realise what's going to happen when she meets an entity that thought so highly of her as to try her best to become her right? The inflation of her Ego will cause Celestia to have to compete with it's gravitational pull! Have you gone completely mad!?
A more serious note though, on the matter of synthesized meat I honestly think we should be able to do better then that by that point in time. NASA has already done what you've described by convincing various mussel cells to duplicate, the result being perfectly edible 'meat' with the consistency of a tumour. No one will eat it. Texture is a serious part of tasting food, it's a serious part of why we don't shove it all in a blender. The stake you've described even if it tastes perfect like meat won't feel like eating meat and be next to intolerable. And frankly with 3D printing catching on as it is now would it really be that hard to add mussel strands to a realistically shaped stake?
Uh, sorry for the rant. I tend to ramble on a bit.
Don't be fooled though, the chapter is much enjoyed and I can't wait for the next one. Best of luck with it.
3421257
Aw, thanks!
3421379
"Da' pink one's party harder! Partyyyyyyyy!"
3421639
Actually, I intend to get into that. (If not as a bit of small talk on the date, then at least down the line.)
Basically, the tech in the ships canteen is fast and cheap to run, but it has drawbacks like that. It's meant to feed many and quickly (and indefinitely, if needed), even if the result is shoddier.
Like Echidna said, it was hardly three star fare. It was more a twisted hybrid of astronaut food and McDonald's.
...And completely according to plan! Muhaha!
And I was just about to lay down to a nap too...
Noticed this:
authorization?
3421891
Wait, didn't I highlight that? I was sure I told him to correct it. My bad.
To author:
This is what [smcaps][/smcaps] looks like (in bold)
As per the last, another great chapter. I also get the feeling Arun did something MEGA unforgiveable to make Blake that angry. Honestly, Blake is better behaved than me, and even Hitler wouldn't make me that mad. Definitely looking forward to finding out what Arun did.
3421766
images.dakkadakka.com/gallery/2009/6/22/39316_md-ork%20flow%20chart.png
"Is you rokkin'?"
I really like this story if you want more tec idea go to orionsarm there some really cool thing there like Utility Fog,Autowar,Bailout Deviceand more.
Wow this is well done. I'm alil peeved that I've read whats available but the sheer quality of this story makes it more than worth the wait. I feel alil giddy thinking of just how the interaction between the humans and the ponies will play out considering all that you've created. Just from reading these two chapters I feel the need to like and favorite. All I can ask of you is please don't stop writing.
I could just imagine a dragon auditing my company. That would be awesome!
We like extras!
I wonder if Fim will soften his attitude towards his brother? Or is his crime so unforgivable?....
Keep going! ;)
3421891>>3421968
...Oh for the love of...
Actually, I did change it...
Straight back to the same spelling-mistake, from the looks of things.
Fixed. Thanks for pointing it out.
3422511
Thanks.
And not to worry, I'll go into it.
3423015
Shhhh. We be sneaking! Them space marines won't knew what stompt 'em! Waaaaaaagh!
3423565
Oh, nifty site. Thanks so much for the tip.
I sadly think it's a bit higher tech then I'm going for, but I'll dig around a bit more and see if I find anything that'll fit in.
3424127
No plans on it, but thanks for the kind words.
3424941
Would you believe #13 started as a joke?
"...I know! A dragon from nowhere! That'll be funny!"
But then I realized the bit with dragon accountant. A character like that is just to awesome a concept to only get one scene.
...But sadly, I wouldn't count on the part with FIM.
Lots of bad blood between the two.
3420889
awhile → a while
then → than
Also: awhile → a while
Anytime → Any time
Hey, don't forget about that "awhile"!
You don't see it, eh? Try deleting the second comma. Also, change then → than. Perhaps add "full" to the italic shiznit
My only complaint is there's not enough. ;~;
Interesting take on Transhumanism. Seems like a fun story so far even though it's a tad different than what I usually read. My only complaint and truly it has nothing to do with the story itself, is that the Transhuman movement will likely last less than a couple of generations before the upgraded hyper-intelligences dominate everything. I did notice that you mentioned that A.I. are not allowed to self optimize during the scene with the naval yard Echidna. That may be the only thing that could save human intelligence once we reach the singularity.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have another chapter to read.
Ah printed food. I have a 3d printer but it only prints plastic right now. I can definitely see the day soon where our refrigerators are replaced with some sort of protein chain synthesizing printer. Just program it while at work and have a meal ready by the time you get home.
Of course I'll only eat food from open source printer files.