• Member Since 8th Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen Sep 25th, 2020

Luna-tic Scientist

I actually am a scientist!


First contact. Not just with a new world, but with a world in a whole new universe. Initial negotiations go well, so Princess Celestia makes a visit to this 'Earth' to cement peaceful relations. Unfortunately, even when you are as experienced as the goddess of the sun, it's the little things that can trip you up.

Preread and edited by Noe Carrier. SPOILERS IN COMMENTS!
Russian translation: Все это скоро закончится, принцесса by Smikey

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 141 )

I feel a terrible urge to apologise; I'm probably going to pony hell for this one.

This fic was amazing, you have nothing to apologize for.

I trusted your truth in story tagging, and I was not disappointed. Great story.

Also, ponies as mobile heavy weapons platforms? Always awesome.

Ooh, this is very interesting. Good story, although I was a bit worried at the start. :twilightsheepish:

A thoroughly entertaining read.


lol, you cad.

This was one of the most realistic stories I read about ponies and humans meeting, and that twist was just excellently done. Good work.

3028984genesis for a tooth ache... Shiiiiiiiiiieet

What an interesting story you've crafted. And an intriguing universe (megaverse?) to boot. :pinkiesmile:

Godammit --- Goddamnit
“Come on you old nag, don’t make this harder than it has to be." --- a comma is preferred.
Is that machine gun? --- machine guns can be counted.

Well, as always it pains me to see poorly-written self-insert HiE stories getting good ratings, and good ones getting disliked because everything isn't either all sunshine and rainbows or grimdark, flowing in blood. If you wanted to make a liked fanfiction, you'd just have to put in the genesis - which is indeed really strange - and make the horse thank you for asking and offering you to go to Equestria, where you'd become best friends with the CMC and Mane Six and all the other infuriating cliches.
I think this story should also have a random tag, because really - a toothache? That's pushing it, even for fanfics like those.
Still, well played! I never realised what that was until you explained it.

I thought the cover image would scare most people off (but then I remembered FoE and similar!)
3029909 Awww, I was aiming for very misleading!:trollestia:
3030172 Completely intentional; I'm glad you stuck with the story to the end.
3029936 I nearly tagged it 'dark', but as nothing actually happens... I thank you for your trust.
3030643 It's what I was aiming for; while some might react badly, I do believe that curiosity and good-will will rule the day. Thanks!
To those I haven't replied to individually; thanks for all the comments!

Fixed most of those (goddammit appears to be a bit flexible in its spelling). Still thinking about the comma, but you're probably right.
Never was one to write to be 'liked', only to a) get the ideas out of my head, and b) to have something that pushes all of my buttons. Considering the cover image and how the story starts, I'm just amazed that people liked it as much as the have!
A 'Random' tag is a reasonable suggestion, although the real world is like that sometimes.

It's funny. At first I was like 'Oh dear, this will be a horrible grimdark tale' - but must read anyhow.
Then a bit of the way in I guessed the twist.
Then even further in I started seriously doubting myself, thinking it was going to go back into Bad Ending territory.

And then the twist came, and it was delightful, somehow managing to surprise despite my earlier guesswork.

It was quite well-done; offputting and worrisome without ever actually being genuinely Dark, so to speak.

Pfft. Ahem.:twilightsheepish: He he. Er.

This was great. I was worried at first, of course, but this turned out quite well overall. I like the idea of Mobile Weapons Ponies, but I can't think of any reasonable way to see more of them.

Behind her the portal winked out.

I'll be blunt, this terrified me the first time I spotted it. I was like "Oh, Celestia. You poor idiot."

I seem to be making a habit of reading something you wrote, loving the snot out of it, and then finding things to complain about. And so:

Twilight shows up out of nowhere. She works well, don't get me wrong, and I can't imagine trying to find another way to make this work. But I didn't realize she came 'Earth'-side with Celestia. The first time she's mentioned -- and yes, I checked -- is this scene here:

When Celestia awoke, the pain in her head was gone. Not only didn’t it hurt, but she felt good, the kind of good that normally only came with the application of certain hard to find fungi from deep in the Everfree. It was all she could do to avoid bursting into a fit of the giggles.

“Princess? How are you feeling?”

Celestia looked at the purple pony with the star-shaped outline on each hip. The young mare had a look of intense worry on her face and was fluttering her wings nervously, a habit she’d only picked up recently. Her eyes travelled to the centre of the mare’s forehead and the tiny horn. “Twilight!” she said brightly. “Why the long face?”

Celestia dissolved into laughter, while Twilight sighed and rolled her eyes.

It'd work fine for Twilight to have been brought in after Celestia's, um, for lack of a better word "disaster", but Twilight makes clear she was there at the time. That's not a problem either, except that she wasn't mentioned at the time and so it feels like just a tad of an ass-pull. If she'd been mentioned at almost any previous point up to and including during the dinner, it probably wouldn't be an issue. However, I at first assumed that she'd died before the start of the story.

I notice that my complaints recently have mostly been in the form of "You make excellent writing that's a perfectly accurate and complete description of what's going on... with the addition of one fairly small but key detail that you apparently forgot to include in a previous part to make it all work." :twilightoops:

My American spellchecker doesn't like your presumably British spellings.

Two more general nitpicks:

Celestia pendulum in her harness.

Celestia to pendulum in her harness.

back when the world -- and the two Princesses -- was young.

Extreme pedantry; obviously "was young" is matched to "the world" -- but this feels off to me in conjunction with the Princesses. Changing to "were young" would seem to fix it, but then we have a different issue (namely, it no longer agrees with "the world"). Perhaps "and the two Princesses with it"? Perhaps moved to the end of the sentence (as "back when the world was young, and the two Princesses with it")? I Unno.

Snerk. :twilightsmile:

Glad it managed to keep you on your toes; Celestia's memespace is full of cake, so I imagine that was where your guess came from. I'm still not completely sure about the 'prologue'; it primes the grimdark pump, but I wonder if the ominous hints would work better without it. That said, it does give things a feeling of inevitability, and lends a sinister air to otherwise innocuous events, because you 'know' what's coming.
I appoint thee the Fault-finder General, for your ability to locate flaws that no one else notices. The pay isn't very good, but there's a steady stream of work.
Typos, like shadows, breed when I'm not looking. Still thinking about the 'world was young' bit; taking out the 'Princesses' would also work, and might be the cleanest solution.
And then suddenly, Twilight. I also didn't describe any of Celestia's entourage either! That said, I could have Celestia catch a glimpse of her across the table when it all kicks off, or have her as part of the tour group. I'll have a think about it. I honestly never considered it, because in my mind there was no way the big C would go there without her purple science pony.

3034377 Does that include my fanfics?

I currently have a HiE fanfic and another grimdark fanfic that does not even take place in Equestria. :twilightoops:


Nothing to do with Celestia; everything to do with educated guesswork from a couple decades of reading and so forth; you're the sort of author I have pegged as 'Wouldn't want to just write something predictable' so the fact that the touch of darkness was so blatant at the start suggested some sort of shenanigans were afoot.

And yet, because you do dabble in the darkness in Wasp & Spider, that guess was lacking just enough confidence to make me increasingly doubt myself.

Basically, the prologue works. The prologue is what makes the story build a sense of impending dread throughout, and without it I don't think it'd be quite so effective a resolution; the expectation that you've been operating with from the getgo wouldn't be as strongly embedded and therefore its upset would lose some panache.


Here, mate, you genuinely interested me! For why you would care about opinion of someone who has no stories himself and no experience is writing is beyond me, but I'll answer your question. And remember that what I'm saying right now might not be the only way, but my preference.

First story, Band of Five Attributes!

- starting a story with dialog is bad practise. It might work in TV shows, but it looks bad when written.

- after a character speaks, you mustn't use uppercase, like "That's it for today, folks!" He said, that's incorrect.

- "car/human hybrid" NO

- if you aren't writing comedy and a character isn't shouting, using exclamation points is bad

- avoid using words like "freaking" as the narrator, seriously.

- commas before and after interjections!

- "these keypad things" - well, that's very descriptive for a reader who hasn't got the entire story in their heads!

- "Rekka wielded a gun that could fire lasers with the force of a blazing volcano when at full power" -
lasers carry no force behind them, what you might have wanted to say is:
"Rekka wielded a gun that fired lasers with the power of a blazing volcano." (although it still sounds cheesy and, well, bad.

- "When they arrived at the library, it was not just any Q-hybrid that vandalized the place. Oh, no! The library and the courthouse directly next to it had become Q-hybrids and were having an all-out Godzilla-style battle royale!"
I've said it before and I'll say it again, unless you're writing satire or meta (and the latter you should not), exclamation points are unnecessary, really. "Oh, no!" is not fitting either.

- how can a bunch of teenagers with fancy weapons survive through being punched by a castle-sized mech thingamajing?

- if you want to write something, ask yourself "Is it necessary to put ponies in it? Can't I just do it without them?". And then get some sleep and ask yourself that question again. People using ponies just to get a wider audience is another thing that infuriates me.

- writing 1k word chapters is also bad practice. If you know you can't dish out 15k word chapters, write half of the story beforehand while still consulting with some prereaders. Then publish those on a stable (heh) schedule. Pony fiction is serious business, mate.

- commas, that's all I have to say. I need to go to sleep, so I won't correct every single one.

That's my thoughts for chapter one, onto the next!

- caps lock is not acceptable, unless you're writing satire/comedy/meta.

- He had this thing on his foreleg that looked like a strap-on rectangle. This thing, right.

- these and those have different meanings, I suggest looking them up.

- "Yes, and they carried these rectangles on their being... I can only assume they're devices of some sort." Replied Nurse Redheart, who had been tasked with looking after the newest patients.

"Nurse Redheart, they had these devices on their forelegs?" Twilight asked.

How can Twilight know anything about the devices?
"On their being" is a redundantly sophisticated way to say "on them". Unnecessary, too.

- "terrific" has a VERY different meaning from "terrifying". Look both of those up, mate.

- Twilight said that she never saw cutie marks like those, yet you didn't describe them.

- Tenmei first recognizes Twilight or Nurse Redheart as a pony, then he realizes that having a horn means he's an unicorn, yet he still calls the ponies "things"

- you need to read more about usage of "the", mate.

- there's no such thing as "..", not ".....", not "....". It's three dots and they should be used sparingly, if at all. When writing an onomatopoeia, you don't write "Ohhhhhhhh", you write "Oooh", or "Ohhh".

Alright, I've had enough, I won't try to draw a conclusion, I'm sure you'll be able to do it yourself based on my comments. For now I have a bed that's calling to me.

And since some of my comments are universal, I'll leave what I've gathered from various writers.

1. Always do research before writing a story. Skewed facts can ruin even the most well-written and thought-out story. This includes the names of places and people.
2. Don't forget to proofread. No one's going to like your story if they can't read it.
3. Keep things realistic, and make sure you're within the accepted scale of power for a given IP.
4. Sufficient plot development can solve almost anything.
5. Don't flame. The whole mess is just a pain in the ass. The acceptability of trolling depends on the quality of said trolling.
6. Follow the ratings. There are children here.
7. Don't post a story without intending to finish it (Unless otherwise stated). It's a HUGE disappointment to discover a great story and then realize it's not finished. If you have no choice, at least put "DISCONTINUED" in the summary. Or, delete the story from the FF archives as a last resort.
8. Ask for help. None of the higher-ups here got where they are all by themselves.
9. Reviews or GTFO.
10. In your description, NEVER ask people to read your story. Ninety-nine percent of the time, that's a symbol of a desperate n00b with no skillz.
11. Self-Inserts usually suffer from a general lack of creativity. Instead of shoehorning a boring teenager into a story, why not spend some time crafting an original character that fits into the universe?
12. Don't have CC's fall in love with OC's. Only professional-level writers should attempt this.
13. Sexual orientation. If a character is canonically straight or homosexual, then he or she MUST remain so. If you insist on being a douche and publishing it anyways, at least put a tag in the description, i.e.: "Contains Yaoi/Yuri"
14. The description is a small taste of what we can expect from your story. DON'T make typos, and DO capture our interest.
15. ROUGE is a color. A ROGUE is a person. I've seen this too many times, and there is no excuse for it. None.
16. If you've tagged two characters and the genre is Romance, we can figure out that they are a pair. You don't need to tell us in the description.
17. Reviews measure attention, not skill.
18. Get a prereader. Mistakes that you're oblivious to may be glaringly obvious to someone else.
19. Don't hammer it out all at once. Go back and reread it. You'll be surprised at how lame some of it sounds.
20. Figure out a storyline before you commit yourself to a story, because a failure to plan is a plan for failure.


1) Fanfiction can never be written just for fun, only for attention.
2) If your story is not perfect, it will be hated
3) The more popular a story is, the more hated and overrated it will become
4) If your story makes the featured box with a random tag, it does not deserve to be there
5) More sophisticated words will mean a higher quality story
6) Never, EVER, EVER, make an OC pony that is an alicorn
7) As you gain more followers, your new stories will slowly "lose their quality"
8) The more attention you receive, the more ridicule you will receive
9) Comedy is never good unless the writing is good
10) Stupidity cannot be comedy
11) The more agreeable your fic is, the better it is
12) Shipping is only good when its caked with good writing and a plot
13) Stories without cover pictures are to be shunned
14) If a less serious piece of fanfiction receives praise, take it seriously.
15) Never hesitate to hate on popularity
16) Always mask hate with lightheartedness
17) Do everything you say you shouldn't do
18) Never take pony fiction as a trivial matter
19) Do what I do and blow everything out of proportion
20) Do not leave constructive criticism when you downvote a story
21) No matter what, you will always look for praise
22) Do NOT write meta


"I probably won't rewrite the entire story anytime soon but possibly one day. Again, I have a horrible habbit of feeling that writing it out long is boring to other people... "

Re-read what I just quoted you on again; I want you to bear it in mind as I say these next few things.

Writing. Is. Sex. Yeah, you heard me right--writing is like that. You know all the jokes about some people only lasting a couple of minutes (or seconds)? That's because it's not supposed to be like that if it's good. It's meant to be an event of pleasure and paying attention to details while pacing just right, making sure it's allll goood. Not rushed, not too slow--just right, with all the right twists, pats, rubs, and et cetera. And while it may be boring for the person performing the act, as they are doing all the work, guess what? The partner loves it. If you just wanna hurry up and get it over with for your own sake, then guess what? Your partner sure ain't gonna stay with you, because you did nothing for them! You RUSHED, you skipped over details, you acted selfish and childish, and they're on to a much better lay!

That's what writing is, pal--taking it easy, doing it right, making all the little moves without thinking of what you want, because it's not FOR you. So, now, let's be specific on where you went wrong and caused such premature completion of what was meant to be a prolonged, happy act:

You were way, way, way too excited to get something written and shoved into our faces up here. It's like making cookies for the first time, sticking them in the oven, whipping them out while they're still plainly raw, and shoving those hot piles of half-baked-egg and too-little substance into our mouths. We're going to be burnt, disgusted, angry, and very dissatisfied. No me gusta. :twilightangry2:

As BronifiedMind stated, yes, you should have put it aside for analysis at a later date. But even before editing, you need to take your time, man. Writing takes LONGER than reading, so the more writing you put, the longer it is for someone to read. So, think about it: if you're skimping on the writing to speed up time for the reader, then what's the writing going to look like? An anorexic sprinting down a racetrack. No one wants to read about an anorexic sprinting to their doom. If it's fast for you, it's even FASTER for the reader, and they'll be left with whiplash.

Also, this fic screams of the raw emotions of someone whose brain is screaming, "I LOVE PONIES TOO OMG LEMME WRITE A FIC ABOUT LUNA AND TWILIGHT IT'LL BE SO CUTE HOLY SHIT I GOTTA DO IT NOW!!!!1!!!11!!" I get wicked effing excited about writing and ideas, too, dude... but, just like how everyone gets excited for sex, if you don't pace yourself, take your time, and put in the effort to make it real good, you may as well have never even girded your loins.

If you are serious at all about writing, then throw your overexcited ass into a cold shower, and sit down to rewrite this whole thing. Explore the moment in every scene, ask how the characters would REALLY react (Twilight would never scream like a little girl as you had her do--that was both an insult to Twilight Sparkle AND Pinkie Pie, who felt she was made fun of from a mile away), and do. It. Right. Do not submit it until you've given it your best and NOT BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO SHOW US ALL YOU SLAPPED SOME KEYS. This idea has great potential, but Alfred Nobel started dynamite as a tool to help blast through rocks so humanity could build societies in even the harshest terrains, but look what happened when it landed in the wrong hands.

Be a good writer--don't *finish* before we even feel a tingle.


Writers have an infinite budget when it comes to special effects.


"Is fanfiction serious business?
Traditionally, fanfics are just the imaginings and fantasies of fans, written without consideration for quality or integrity. It's an outlet more than a hobby or a profession or a passion.
But with a surprising amount of competent authors and fics in the community, should the community be doing more as a whole to encourage, or even enforce, professionalism in fanfiction?"

Professionalism does not = Quality. I don't blame you for making this mistake, but now I'm gonna f***ing rant.

Not every story is going to be good, or a good idea. Not every author is going to be skilled or competent. That's fine.

It's the "consideration" not the "quality or integrity" that is defined by professionalism.

YOUR attitude is professional, regardless of how good a writer you are.

Professionalism is treating your own story with respect. It is encouraging and accepting critical feedback from your readers. It is having someone take a look at your story before you publish it to make sure it's readable. It is using a spellchecker. It is having someone whose English is good editing your story if yours is poor. It is giving a shit about the fact that you are not the story's only audience.

It is also about the fact that just because you can, does not mean you should. Not everything you want to write about should be published and not everything you think about should be written.

Within the fandom, fanfiction is probably the least consumed media. For any fan based community to survive, it needs attention. It is one thing to come to this site for the first time and see a front page full of fics that are not very good. It's another to see a front page full of fics that are complete no-effort unreadable pieces of garbage. And it's another to see fics about children fucking.
I have been an avid reader in the fandom for a year and a half. But the front page of this site still makes me want to flip. What effect would it have on any of the curious bronies we need to keep this community fresh and alive? It's like someone trying to sell you a new home while the previous owners' corpses are strewn about the yard. It is not appealing.

This is why sites like EqD are so important. They at least provide a buffer for entry level fic readers. I know I would not be reading fanfics today if I had started on FiMFiction. It would have scared me away right off the bat. Tripe like Cupcakes being so renowned is bad enough. Many fans start out on fanfiction via EqD, and because of EqD's arguably high standards, these experiences tend to be positive. EqD and FiMFiction both have something in common, they require readership to exist. But while EqD maintains a wobbly level of self respect in what they feature, what is this site, the largest fixture of the fanfiction FiM community, doing to show that this community isn't traditional fanwank writing, but one where "fiction" comes before "fan"? Nothing much.

My question asks how seriously the community as a whole should take itself. I mean it's just fanfiction, but it's better. Everyone here knows it's better than that here. Everyone here knows that the quality and proliferation of quality here is unprecedented. Should we be taking that fact seriously? Should we be trying harder to show our good side? Should we be trying harder to subdue our bad side?

I love creativity and embrace it wholeheartedly, but creativity without effort isn't actually a positive thing.


In fact, the best critic for an artist? Themselves. If you aren't willing to berate
your own work, then you shouldn't even bother.

Nobody likes being reminded of their flaws. Nobody wants to be told they're bad. Nobody awakes up and says "you know what would be fun? I'm going to
write a list of all the reasons I suck!" with a smile on their face.
Criticism, humbleness, and blatant truth is healthy, but nobody truly enjoys it.
Criticism is like medicine or training or in some cases, just work; not everybody
enjoys doing it, but it's necessity and payoffs are well worth it, which is why it
is so well received.

3058008 I am thinking I am drunk.

Just reading your paragraphs of 'no.'

Someone besides yourself smack me, I want to not hallucinate here! :pinkiegasp:


As I said before, getting negative ratings is a huge rarity on this site. Sorry, mate.
But you still could have told me that a plain "no, just no" would do it, I wouldn't have to spend time writing all of this.

3058260 *sigh*

What if I told you before your paragraphs I have a disability?

Would you have considered making it short, sweet, and to the point with all the rest of the rant in a PM? :applecry:


No, it is concise and straight to the point. I had a stutter ever since my father died, yet I gladly accept to do various speeches at school and I like talking. My friend had dyslexia and he wrote a very nice story. I wouldn't expect less of you, no matter if you're disabled or not. Disabilities are excuses, although you didn't tell me what's yours.

I also suggest we talk in PMs, as our conversation needs not to be read by others.

First Contact nearly gets fucked because of a toothache.


Can we see more of this world?

One ruined dinner party is a small price to pay for good interdimentional relations!

Nothing is planned, I'm afraid, although I may well revisit this if a suitable plot comes to mind.

I seriously was a little scared when I saw the cover art and the title.
And..........then it turns out as a toothache.
Y u so awesome?

"15) Never hesitate to hate on popularity
20) Do not leave constructive criticism when you downvote a story"

Excuse me?

I am going to take this list into consideration. However, on one note:
"17) Do everything you say you shouldn't do"
I find this rather confusing, since there are definite don'ts in writing, a few of which you mention.

3058008 Why are you reviewing somebody else's story here instead of in its own comment section?

@ the story: This was really cool. It was definitely a new take on First Contact, and that's something I'm always interested in. I also like it when somebody takes a ridiculous premise and plays it completely straight. I didn't actually realize the twist at the end was supposed to be a twist when I read it because I clicked on the source for the cover image. I guess I accidentally spoiled myself that way, but I don't think it hurt anything.

We've had wars here on Earth that started for stupid reasons. Language, skin, religion, ideology, resources. I'm pretty sure, though, this is the first time I've heard of a war caused by cake. Only Celestia. :trollestia:

Wonderful little story and a solid interpretation of the world's relations to one another. :twilightsmile:

I liked it overall, although it seems like it ended prematurely. I am especially interested in the whole discussion between the guard and the soldiers. Overall, very well done, interesting take on First Contact, although I'm not sold on the idea of the ponies becoming just more realistic ponies, that to me is far more disturbing than them ever turning into humans.

3311524 let them eat cake! Those words started a revolution.

I knew from the start that the humans could be strapping Celestia down to vivisect her!

Cutting ponies apart in a gruesome manner after binding them to a table is Pinkie's job! :pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy:

(And yet another "Cupcakes" reference is made... :rainbowhuh: )

the human machine, what they called the ‘Large Hadron Collider’, had been badly damaged when they’d sent their probe.

It's okay. Half the time we can't get the damn thing to stop exploding on its own.

3313184 That was hypothetical cake, Marie Antoinette never actually said that line, and I still don't see why it would have been a bad thing to say. Always seemed to me like "Oh, they have no bread? Give them our light, fluffy, delicious bread."

This was insanely misleading. I confess I hesitated for a good while before reading it but I'm rather glad I did. an excellent fic, even if the humans are twits XD I love your story too and good on you for making sure the pony was okay!


*bursts into laughter* ...whoo... *bursts into more laughter*


I guessed the twist when I saw the cover pic. I was like, "wat is that?" and then like "oh, dentist, lol".

I will admit I doubted myself during the course of the story a little, though.


Must say, while you make some good points in some places, I have to disagree with others. That, and I'm not sure if the comments section of a story is a good place to put a comment not relating to the story except by some digression.


I don't agree with some points either, the second list is a joke in places.
And I allowed myself to write it down here, because I consider comments that can universally help writers worth more than cupcake references and twenty Rainbow Dash faces. Actually, you're right, but I was very sleepy. If you were me, though, where would you post such tips?


Because I was very sleepy at the time, and thought that other people can use some tips, like not putting ponies in a srs fic with car-human hybrids.


The second list is not to be considered serious. Not all of it, at least, but I decided I'll just post it and let others guess what is a tip and what isn't.

Now, if anyone got more questions, don't ask them there. Some people might get mad if they see that, gasp, some comments are off topic!

This is pretty dang good. I've got some nitpics but, to be honest? I'm liking it as a one-shot.


Usually in a PM to an author, or in a blog post you could then link to in a comment, instead of stretching the page; preferably among comments relating to the story they're attached to.

This is just my opinion, though.

Thanks for all the comments, folks! I'm kind of surprised it was as well received as it was.
I have a horrible tendency to go too far, turning what should be a quick project into something that takes months, thus the decision to end it there (the bit with the guard came very late in the day, out of a discussion with my editor). I'll admit, I prefer my cartoon ponies a little more horse-like!
Science is hard! Although as a fellow consumer of liquid helium, I'd appreciate it if you would not boil off all the worlds supply this time...
Obviously the intention was to mislead, so I'm glad you took the plunge! I wouldn't blame the humans too much, they were doing the best they could with what they knew (there's nothing like incomplete information for making bad decisions).
That was pretty much my reaction as well -- even knowing what it is, it still gives me the shivers.
Any nitpicks in particular? Inquiring minds want to know!

Well, humanity would be savy enough not to give up too much even in the face of the unknown but I can totally see this as a knee-jerk reaction to the suddenness of the 'incident.' Once the limits of pony abilities become more known, I suppose they'll have some modern-type weaponry (at least on this side of everything) what with the battle harness and all but if Celly makes the UN cave too much, it might end on a bit of a sour note.

I can also totally see humanity suddenly panicking about the situation - ships and planes swarming like a kicked wasps nest - but to lose three vessels and still have things pretty not-tense enough for soldiers to be sharing weaponry? That's a bit much. Admittedly, I might have missed exactly how long Celly was out for so maybe there was time enough for that but in the face of this ... situation, I would think that the troops would be briefed on keeping humantech a bit more 'close to the chest' in case things went belly-up.

I mean, these things do not detract from this one-shot enough to cause concern. It's a one shot and it's really good as such. If you want to expand it, I might frown a bit at the looseness of these professionals - but again, not enough to dislike it. To be honest, it's one of the more interesting and well done First Contact type stories out there. Not the BEST, but one of the few I can say are fighting for a good second or third place in my mind.

Just a few minor things. Oh, and Earth-magic needs to be handled really carefully to a) avoid OP'ing the humans and b) avoid offending anyone's spiritual sensibilities. Though to be honest, if you're studying or practicing a metaphysical craft/art, you need to be open-minded enough to accept fictionalized accounts of it for what they are. Still ...


Aww, what's the matter? Don't want to go to the DeNtIsT?

3315705 I could kiss you.:rainbowkiss: Thank you for knowing your history!

I really, really like this short. kudos!

You are absolutely right! I've never had a single filling, instead my only involvement with that branch of medicine has been extractions (all four canine teeth) and root canals (two incisors, apparently they 'just died').
OpSec for the human troops: valid point, but let me give you another perspective.
The Princesses' original visit caused chaos, and they would have seen something of the reaction on the human side (obviously the portal exit point can be selected), hence their keeping away for fear of starting a war. There was then a period of time for the humans to get used to the idea of extra dimensional aliens (a real black swan event; I'm of the opinion that such an occurrence would cause humanity to either fall apart or pull together -- I went for 'together', so the humans sought out the ponies).

Celestia's visit was after a significant period of information exchange and physical visits; I'd imagine that the worst excesses of each side would be glossed over/made less significant, but I like to think a relatively honest exchange would take place, including military capability (if only because there's no point in hiding your abilities completely; the strategy is a bit like MAD during the cold war -- you want the other side to know you can turn any invaders into ash, even if you don't show them exactly how to do it).

The upshot of this is that a) the simple tech like machine guns and MANPADS/antitank systems would not be secret (although the more sophisticated stuff would be), and b) the Guard were present during the attack on the island, so they've seen some of the stuff being used.

After the attack the soldiers would have been tense, but the threat was from other humans, rather than the fuzzy talking Shetland ponies they were there to protect (and the Guard would have been there with them, facing the same threat). I imagined the attack to be mostly offshore, a missile/drone strike to quickly eliminate a perceived threat (based on flawed intelligence), with no real ground combat (those present are from the 'friendly' side, obviously).
Earth magic is easy: a) humans don't get any, and b) if you are reading a story about magical ponies, I'd also hope you'd be flexible enough not to get offended...


but the threat was from other humans, rather than the fuzzy talking Shetland ponies

That was something I thought about after the fact - if they contacted Luna somehow to advise her of the situation and to ensure that if Celly woke up in a 'declare war' mood because of misperceived actions, they'd have someone in power and in the know to help keep her from trying to start a war.

Except if the situation is that relaxed and contained, what fear does the UN have that suddenly make them so acquiescent? You've got two things happening here: humanity is afraid because of strong magic thus earning the ponies better deals (at least, that's how I perceived what Twilight said of the UN) and you've got the two governments (the military providing security and Equestria) working very closely together - so much so that the soldiers are sharing gov. property with the ponies on an ad hoc basis. These two situations seem almost mutually exclusive to me.

If this military helping the ponies is one government and one government only, acting almost unilateral to the main UN effort, then maybe I could see that? But that seems naive in the face of the potential threat the UN sees and with this 'other' suddenly being a focus, defeats the purpose of a unified humanity.

TL;DR Having the UN being afraid of magic and yet the soldiers sharing weapons and such seems two mutually exclusive actions to me.

I really didn't want to make any assumptions while I was reading this story... but goddammit. That short sneak-peek in the beginning of what's to come had my gears churning as to what could possibly be the better outcome. While I couldn't think of anything that could explain Celestia's sudden pain, I started to think that it was actually poison. Oh, Luna-tic Scientist. You really know how to put down chaos into words. I'll cast my vote in wanting more of this story. :twilightblush:

3321657 Platonic cheek-kiss accepted. Score one for historians.

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