- Member Since 31st Dec, 2011
- offline last seen Sep 11th, 2014
Unarmed Pony
I write stories... Pretty much it, really.
Unarmed Pony
Joined 31st Dec, 2011 ·
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- thatguyfromkfc · 974 words · 11 5 · 1.7k views
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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You've improved a lot, good job!
your picture for this fic got my attention Tracking!
Well, I'd love to help with the title but so far you haven't introduced very much plot. Still, if this goes the way I think it might, I have a few suggestions.
The Wings of Icarus (or something along those lines)
Clipped
The Burdens We Carry
That's all for now. Story looks good!
I will track this, im interested in seeing what you will do with it.
Tracking, but I think I know where this is going.
Well, I think we all know where this is going! Two things: you spelled "prologue" wrong in your chapter title, and (this is minor) Rarity's wings were made of gossamer and morning dew, not wax and honeydew (which is a type of melon).
123832 i still got some kind of dew
123842
Well, yes. I'm just observing that a honeydew is a green melon. Anyway, good effort so far! I didn't mean to sound needlessly critical. Good luck!
Yay! I see you took my suggestion! Of course, now your description says that you hate the title I gave you.
Anyway, I like your writing style, so I'm probly gonna keep an eye on this.
123853 Wait what? Oh shoot forgot to change the description. And credit where it's due, i'l put your name in the description and say "thanks".
D'aaw, your welcome
More!
123900 Wow. For some reason i feel good about someone saying that.
You all say you know where it's going..... well we'll see about that
I feel like it's a little bit shakey...
However, I like what you're doing with the episode, and the title is making me anxious to see what happens in the upcoming chapters. 
Most definately tracking this.
not bad... not great either...
more please
I'll follow it i personally believe that Rainbow at the young flier competition will fail to catch rarity and the bolts but that might be just a hunch ill track it and see.
123961 What a TWIST!
I has an idea! Right when rarity is doing her finale, she gets hit by a jet!
Sorry, couldn't resist.
Cliff? Yay! *jumps*
this chapter was...
i don't even know why you did this...
hury up and get to what happens the susspence is killing me
that is...if you dont mind
Getting better now that we have an actual plot
Btw, this may need some rewriting: "Somehow, she managed to catch up to fainbow's lifeless body and grabbed the hooves. She threw him up into the air, and then she stirred."
-Glassed
128166 Sorry, my fingers are too big for the keyboard so sometimes i press the wrong keys. I'll just go fix that. Thanks for pointing it out though
Hmmm... interesting. A Flutterdeath was unexpected.
128233 That's what i was aiming for. :)
...
...
...
Uh uh uh, Rainbow is gonna "ham" herself?
Wait.. what? Sir, I believe we have a typo... 
"Author, use correct spelling." "It's super effective" 
Nah, sorry about that, it just kinda ruined the mood for me a bit
-Glassed
please dont ham yourself.
Your loving friend, Twilight Sparkle.
She crumpled up the letter and threw it in the bin.
Then took a porkchop out of the fridge and started hitting herself with it.
aaahhh this isnt what i was expecting at all!
"ham", you probably mean "harm"
128862
That was a rather funny Pokemon referance. I salut you sir.......... They don't have a Rainbow salut emote. Shame on you FIMFiction.
This is very good, but please, PLEASE use a spellchecker, there are spelling errors everywhere. The story editor here on FiMFiction's got one, via your web browser, just look for the red zigzag underlines. It's also difficult to tell who's speaking sometimes. "Don't be afraid to say who's speaking more often," said Smayds. <-- like that.
Good, yes, but it could be AWESOME
with a little bit of TLC!
Your story is moving a little bit too quickly, jumping from one event to the next. There's no real transition between events, and the lack of background information, as well as a lack of "colour" in description, make it a bit boring to read. If you ever revise this, you should go back and make the chapters beefier with descriptive information, as well as add in a little suspense before the major events.
, try to polish up on your story telling skills, because you really could be doing your magnificent storyline more justice with better telling techniques. 
Despite all the critique, I really do like what you've done with the episode, and how you've woven a rather depressing story out of it. Just please, oh Pretty Pinkie Pie Please
131691 Thank you for the advice. I will do my best to make it all a bit more descriptive and add a little suspense. But bear in mind i'm not good with transitions. And to 131094, Thanks for pointing that out. But when i usually read stories, I find that a plain old boring "Said -----" kinda leaves me thinking "How did she say it? did she exclaim it? Did she say it with passion?" Things like that, so in the end it makes me feel that she said it blankly. Saying it with no emotion to it at all. And i just enforced your point with my counter.
Oh well i'l do my best tp add a bit more "Said -------" but add a little emotion to the words by saying "Said --------- passionatly" or something like that. Thanks anyway
131691 You wanted colour and more detailed descriptions. Read chapter 5
Wow... Harsh...
Btw, I think you miscounted the ponies... You say there's 5 ponies in the library and 5 ponies behind Fluttershy in the dream... You might wanna do the math again
-Glassed
132753 Oh right. Damnit well imma just fix that. For some reason I can't shake the thought that there's 7 ponies but oh well. Me derp'd
My stars. You have all of them.
Barfffff!!!!!!!!!!
Better than the last one....
133214 you can blame 133170 for that. cause this little pony wanted a more, and i quote, "colourful description."
This reminds me disturbingly of Cupcakes....
*cough cough* by colorful I think he meant a colour other than red.
133431 I was aiming for a cupcakes-esque Pinkie torture scene