• Member Since 10th Jun, 2013
  • offline last seen Dec 20th, 2016

JourneymanChronicler


I'm a nut with too many people in his head that all want their story told.

T

"We wear the mask that grins and lies, It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes."
— Paul Laurence Dunbar

It started as a normal Equestrian morning, but doesn't it always? The princesses are frightened, and in Ponyville, a creature from a forgotten race walks into town. His kind hasn't been seen in over a thousand years, but even then he's still far from what he appears to be.

Arc 1: The First Day

Author's Note: Hey guys! This is my first story, so constructive criticism is more than welcome. I'll take this moment to say that I own nothing but my main character, the plot, and a few surprises which will appear later. All other characters and linked music are NOT mine. A word on music. At times I might offer two links to a song. The first is the OFFICIAL version, the second is the closest approximation to how I feel it is sung in the story. Just warning you, because I know some people hate covers. This story is rated teen for occasional language, implied sex, and gruesome imagery (mostly late in the story and in flashbacks). Now with technical out of the way, I wish you all happy reading, and I hope you have fun.

Edit: Bug the writer! He writes faster when you do.

Chapters (7)
Comments ( 537 )

Great story!
Hope to see more :rainbowkiss:

I enjoy it...this is good for a first story.

Good so far.

Keep it up.

Eh, I'll stay tuned.

I'm extremely glad I clicked on this fic. :pinkiehappy:

Okay, im interested :). You have yourself a reader!

Well, I like how different this is starting then most human in equestria fics, so I like it :).

More, good sir.

A couple of spelling errors, but nothing that detracts from the story.

Onward!

Pretty good, I want MOAR :flutterrage:

Author, how big your creative experience?

I think this story is due for a critique about now. Story is great as far as I'm concerned :twilightsmile:. The protag seems to brush off very odd or unsettling events around him and just go with it. Not a bad trait, actually it sort of defines who he is as a character. The CCR seem to act just as they do in the show, which is a basic necessity for 'Humans In Equestria' stories.

The uniqueness of this story is unlike any I've ever seen. The cliffhangers got me interested and kept me wanting more. I don't think there was a single point in the chapter where I skipped a line. I didn't want it to end. When you're able to create a story that keeps someone interested long enough for them to actually 'read' your story to its fullest, then it's a pretty damn good story. Grammar is overall fine. Some mistakes here and there but you can't really make a 'perfect' story. I usually tend to read my story after I write it to find mistakes in spelling and such. The plot for the story isn't revealed in any way, But the protag seems to know why he's there. This sets the stage for a very big revelation of the plot, and who the antagonist may be. I'm interested to see how this story will play out in later chapters. Keep working with it :raritywink:.

Wow, I got a lot more than what I bargained for when I opened this. Well done, sir!

Two things, grammar things:
1. "It's" is not possessive.
and 2. In the sentence "They were how she stayed connected with her subjects and guided them through they're troubles," replace they're with their.

Other than those, I'm surprised at how few mistakes there were, especially for a first story. Write on, man! :twilightsmile:

First story and made feature box. CONGRADULATIONS! *Auto tune*

You may want to put in some kind of transition between the present time and the flashbacks. Some kind of page break to make it easier for the reader to differentiate. Other than that, This is a pretty good story :twilightsmile:

"What would you like to hear?" She got up and walked over to the T.V. She fished around in the drawer beneath it for a second before returning with a movie in her hand.
"The last song from this movie," she said, showing me the box. I knew the movie and the song in particular very well. It was her favorite.
"You like this one, don't you?" I said. She nodded.
"It's happy," she said, which to a child was all the reason she needed. "Will you play it?"
"Sure, little one," I said to the trio of pony's in front of me. I brought my hand up to the strings. "To the small hours," I said and began to play.

WHAT IS THIS!!!

"We don't want to start off our visit with an act of petty thief, do we?"

I'd change that to either "of a petty thief" or "of petty thievery." I also saw another error where you used the wrong word, but I can't seem to find it now.

Onto the actual story: You've gotten yourself a favorite and a very curious reader. Please pardon my my next action: I WANT THE NEXT CHAPTER, WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! :raritydespair:

Quite a good story for your first time

I'm getting vibes from that other fic I read, the one where the guy travels through different realities?
I don't know, maybe it inspired this?
Either way, pretty good so far, but I suppose that's easy to say, since not much has happened yet.
Looking forward to more.

I THOUGHT EQUESTRIA LACKED DECENT TECHNOLOGY! MY LIFE IS A LIE!

I think I'll see where this goes, though.

good. i want moar.

2939746
"I've written a few things. A minor Twilight Zone-ish thriller for a my college's paper, a couple of chapters from an urban fantasy I've been gelling out, and even another fanfic that was suppose to be Ike's introduction. I'm actually suppose to be working on a legit fantasy novel as a school project. "Masks" has kind of become the side project I work on when I get stuck on that. Besides that, a number of little stories that I've never finished or plotted out all the way."
"I guess you could say he has trouble starting things."
"Ike, I told you that you're not allow in the comment section!"
"He he, you have no power here."

What will be the chapter update schedule for this story ? :rainbowhuh:

Little wonders still brings a tear to my eye... :fluttercry:
And I Will Not Bow is an awesome song. :rainbowdetermined2:

But regarding the story, keep it up! I am greatly intregued, and look forward to more!:twilightsmile:

2939787 You snagged those grammar problems, I'll snag another.

"She had just risen the sun and seemed fine" should be replaced by "She had just raised the sun and seemed fine".

"Risen" refers to the subject of the sentence and does not need a direct object (eg. The rock had risen, or I have risen, etc). "Raised" can be used to indicate that something raised something else (eg. I raised my hand), and is not to be confused with "razed", which indicates destruction.

I should point out, as others have:
Write on, be true. I could not finish this song, no matter how I wanted to.

2940683
EVERY DAY :pinkiehappy:

Well, that would be great. If the author was smart and pre-wrote the whole thing, it would be.
I'd think it's thought through all the way, at least; there's actual forethought put into it, and you don't see that very much when authors do it on the fly. That said, it shouldn't be too unoften.

I'm really looking forward to whatever comes, though, whenever it does :twilightsmile:

2939787>>2940857
Fixed and fixed. I hate it when those "it's", "theirs", and verb errors sneak through. Thank you both for catching those.

Luv it defiantly looking forward to this one

D48

This is looking very interesting so far, but there is one persistent spelling error I want to point out. It is pegasi, not pegusi. The root of pegasus is pegas- with the singular ending -us added for one individual to get the word "pegasus" and the plural ending -i added to get "pegasi" when referring to a group.

I like it. Always been drawn to the interdimensional traveler stories for some reason. Skipping the whole 'ohmg alien ponies, gotta be angsty for the required one and a half chapters and then accepting everything and never mention it again' is always great, if there's a good explanation of course. Looking forward to more explanation and description of his character.

Very nice story. I'll be following this one. Oh, and I really like it when authors throw music into their stories, thanks for doing that!

'If the people hear the Elements were summoned it could cause a panic'
'People'
Poot ponies here!

2941620
How did I miss that?
*Gibbs smack*
Ow! What do you want from me? Both ways are misspelled according to spell check!
*Double Gibbs smack*

2941704
One of the many advantages to posting online.
Expect a lot more.

2941742
*Quadruple Gibbs smack*
Do that one more time, and I'm going to need an MRI!

and turned to Applebloom with a frown. "She was just beginning modest," she said.

I think that was supposed to be "being".

Seems like an interesting story so far. Any chance the romance will be Ike x Luna?:pinkiehappy:

2942180
Thanks for catching that, and as for your question a wise man once said, "We'll see."

Well, shit, you're going down the same road as the HiE I'm working on - gotta finish working on that fifth and sixth chapter and quickly post it up before you get too far! :raritywink:

No worries, since the first chapter I've already spotted quite a number of differences that should set mine apart from yours, but either way the base premise is still the same - it seems that our main characters have quite a few differences though.

D48

2941747 Yeah, I figured that was the case. The only spelling most programs accept is "Pegasus" with a capitol "P" as that is the name of the mythological horse (and approximately seven million other things that have been named after it), however we have to use more forms of the word than the proper noun.

Great work so far! Well developed character with great uh, character?
Anyway, I look forward to seeing where this goes!

"She was just beginning modest," she said.

Umm... do ya mean "being modest" here mate?

This intrigues me, I'll definitely keep my eye on this to see where it leads. Really nice job so far, and congrats on the feature.

And you say this is your first fic?!:rainbowderp:

... Keep going!:rainbowdetermined2:

Author says it's his first story. I find his story featured on the front page. Seems legit.:rainbowlaugh:

But seriously, if this is your story, then you've got talent. Keep up the nice work.

2942223 We attack because we care, and because we want our fellow grammar-sensitive readers to be able to enjoy this good story without stumbling on something that the author did not see. :trollestia:

Those readers who are not particularly grammar-sensitive may not realize just how immersion-breaking an egregious grammatical mistake can be, simply because it causes the more sensitive of us to stall at that point. It happens enough on this site that I've started imagining adding corrections in red ink before moving on with stories.

*Coughname'salreadytakencough*

Not complaining, but ya might be aware that you'll get some confusion if you try to send it to EQD or the like.

2941620
Actually "Pegasus" is a proper noun, a name given to a singular winged horse from mythology. There was actually no specific name for winged horses back then, we've just come to apply the term "pegasus" to any fictional winged horse. Technically the English language hasn't really accepted the use of Pegasus for such things, and in reality being a word of Greek origin the plural of "pegasus" would be "pegasuses". But that's hard to say in casual conversation, son, so we'll just call it the warthog—I mean, "pegasi" works better. And hey, English is the language of adaptation. But still, if you're being nitpicky then I can be, too. ;p

Login or register to comment