• Member Since 22nd Jun, 2013
  • offline last seen Sep 2nd, 2013

hester1


E

A server waits on six ponies in a restaurant. The diners have drinking contests and discuss social responsibility. The clock ticks ever on and on.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 27 )

Pretty interesting. I wonder if it would be appropriate to add an "other" tag to cover the princesses.

Sometimes I take a chance on a story off the front page from an author I haven't heard of before. This time it paid off. I think it was a good idea to have just Twilight and Fluttershy instead of all of the main six, which would have cluttered the story. Fluttershy didn't really talk like Fluttershy, except for the one line where she said "um". I don't think she would say something was "just semantics". And her name confused me at first into thinking she was Pinky. The connection between the Dawn / Candy discussion, and the Roseluck / Sparkler matter, is tenuous. It would be nice to sharpen that up somehow. The waiter vacillates between formal and informal language in a way that might not be deliberate. I don't think ponies would have rings. But overall I really like this. It's reserved "showing not telling" for the most part, just as long as it needs to be, stylistically strong, and it doesn't use any cheap tricks to play on the reader's emotions. I especially like the last three lines. It's difficult to end a story like this, and those three lines do it admirably.

Consider this review courtesy of The Orient Express Explorers.

2828848
Thanks for the feedback.
Candy was actually supposed to be Cadance, so I definitely must have messed up that characterization. Those four were supposed to just be having an alicorns' night out.
Dawn and Candy's discussion was (vaguely) about whether or not Cadance should interfere in other ponies' relationships, and was predicated on the (admittedly sketchy) idea that Cadance's status as Princess of Love somehow gave her an understanding into how these relationships were likely to play out.
I wanted the reader to question whether or not she chose to interfere in this one, and if she had, whether she would have thought that they wouldn't have been happy together and encouraged their relationship's breakdown, or whether she would have tried to keep them together. The waiter's inability to keep a consistent tone is entirely unintentional, and I'll try to clean that up.

2828997 Alicorn's night out makes more sense. Don't feel bad about messing up Cadence's character. She has very little. This makes more sense to me now. I still feel like the Twilight/Cadence talk is underdeveloped, but it would be tricky to flesh it out more without upsetting the balance between the story's different parts.

That was genius. Your words carried so much hidden meaning. The night out, pregnancy, engagement, all that. Just... awesome. Consider youself Followed.

Impressive debut. That was pretty good, so have a fav, a thumbs up, and a watch.

2829045 2829140 Thanks!
2829011
Okay, I've slipped in a few tidbits to make it a bit more clear that the mare in question is Cadance, to make the waiter's dialogue more formal (as befits the kind of restaurant where a pony would propose to another), and to establish that ponies wear rings. I definitely see that the waiter's narration changes tone a lot, but I think that informality doesn't really suit that character, and that if I tried to go the other way the prose would just end up all archaic and would slow the story's pace.
Once again, thanks very much for the feedback.

Reminds me of sad music

I love the sense of distant fatality. Like standing on a shore, waving your arms and screaming as loud as you can for someone's attention while two ships plow directly into each other. Sure, you can use the justifications that Twilight/Dawn uses about learning lessons, but that seems more like applying a band-aid to one's conscience because of your own frailty. On the other hand, what more could you ask from the waitress? Cadence could have done something, but she wasn't the protagonist, just an incidental.

I didn't mind the informality, but I figured this was one of those upper middle class restaurants where the waiters kiss your ass for tips.

A part of me does agree with the commenter that the princesses could be expanded on, but that would probably require moving on to other incidents and a story that just kept repeating, "the princesses and X (in this case the waiter) are bound by their circumstances and unable to save those around them from misery" over and over again would get tiresome. Since that is, I think, the point in including the princesses in the first place (to show that whether a waitress or royalty you can't save people from themselves).

2829290 Thanks very much for the feedback. I was definitely aiming for that sense of inexorable disaster, and I'm glad that I got it across. Also, it's interesting that you saw Dawn's point of view as the justification, because I think that Candy and the waitress were also merely justifying the ways that they spent their time while the clock ticked away. No matter what any of the characters' decisions were, the clock ticked and the couple broke apart -- no wonder the two oldest characters chose to spend the night drinking themselves into unconsciousness.

2829566
But Candy is a demigod of love. If anyone could do anything, it was her, and I got the feeling that she wanted to but allowed herself to be dissuaded.

It does lead into a weird situation. The narrator was blindsided by a dramatic incident out of her control, but Candy saw a disaster on the horizon and did nothing. So the question, I guess, is should she have? Do we say that people have to make mistakes on their own because it is true, or do we say that because we failed to stop them and we want to gloss over that failure?

How far does blame spread? Who is responsible for a wrong?

EEDIOT: Obviously, I'm not asking you to answer the questions. They're impossible questions. It is just the sort of thing your story got me thinking about.

So I read this story when it appeared in "new", which is unusual for me. Usually when I do that, there's some side reason for it, often related to the device I'm using to view fimfiction. Anyway, I'm glad I did. This was an interesting little philosophical one shot with a lot of subtlety in it. I made the connection to Celestia when Sunshine was described as being tall, white, and referred to the narrator as "my little pony"; I also kind of thought that the unicorn might be Twilight when she was described as almost having a panic attack, but oddly, it didn't occur to me that the rest of the guests were princesses in disguise as well. It was only after looking at the comments that I realized what had been staring me in the face. :facehoof: I probably would have caught on quicker if I'd seen the character tags, but due to the device I was viewing this on, I didn't. I have to say, I really like the way the way the princess discussion was handled, and the fact that the story trusts the reader to be perceptive or awake enough to recognize what it's doing.

On the topic of the debate itself, whether or not you can be certain that someone will regret a decision you know they're about to make, it is also important to consider whether you can predict the outcome of the situation if you do choose to intervene, or more simply, whether you are capable of intervening in a way that will turn out better for anyone. From experience, I find that often if I try to interject between two people with the intention of improving understanding or calming a situation, I do little more than earn myself the ire of both parties, and quite possibly make everything worse. Of course, Cadence's magical talent according to the show seems to be designed to resolve exactly this sort of problem, so perhaps that is less of a consideration for her.

I was a little put off by the fact that the story was tagged "sad", and was a <5k word one-shot. I tend to think that "sad" doesn't really work in short fics because it depends on investment in the characters, which takes time to build, in order to create empathy for their loss. However, once again this story manages to, in a subtle way, fill us in on the background of it's couple with very little overt exposition. We can understand how long, and how significant their relationship has been from the narrator commenting on how regular their dinners have become, first when she leads them to their "usual" table, and again when she notes how they've deviated from the "script". I think the atmosphere of the setting also worked in favor of this, with the constant pauses during which time passing is denoted by the ticking of the clock.

So, thanks for the pleasant surprise. You can have a thumbs up. :twilightsmile:

2827258 Good idea, thanks.
2833593 Thank you for the review.
To be honest, I was worried that "my little pony" was a bit too heavy-handed, but it seems like it worked out for the best.
Your view on the debate is very interesting, and I think it ties back to one of the lessons that, in my opinion, most cartoons unwittingly teach: it's okay to tactlessly jump into other people's arguments without fully understanding the issue as long as you have good intentions (because at the end of the day, you'll end up somehow resolving the issue). FiM subverted this with Pinkie's song in Over a Barrel, which is why I thought that Twilight (who had been in Appleloosa for that fiasco) would want to avoid the risk of interfering and messing things up, while Cadance (whose powers basically prevent her from ever having this kind of difficulty) would hold the opposite view.
And once again, thanks, both for the review and for the opportunity to get on my soapbox. :twilightsheepish:

A very interesting little story, I gotta say. :twilightsmile:

I'm not planning on entering the debate on right/wrong of what Cadence can do with her powers, though I always thought that she was more a 'goddess of love' in the sense that she helped out with little fights, like the small spat that we saw in Canterlot Wedding, or world threatening problems, a la the Crystal Empire. I dunno if that even makes sense, but hey, it's just an idea.

I do feel bad for Sparkler and Roseluck, though... :fluttershysad:

There's a surprising degree of depth to it, but the whole alicorn thing soared past my head. I guess I wasn't paying too much attention, but I think you could have made it a lettle more obvious without spilling the beans.

As it stands on its own, sans the angle of insight about the significance of the discussion in relation to Roseluck/Sparkler, it's... interesting, certainly. Well-written and edited, and there's this nice atmosphere to the writing. Kinda like Bartender, a manga I adore greatly for its maturity in selection of themes. Are service providers as involved as this, though? You get away for it being in Ponyville, essentially a small commuity, but just a thought. All in all, well done.

Congratulations, this story has good enough grammar to be included in the Good Grammar Directory, a comprehensive list of grammatically-correct stories on Fimfiction.

2829194 I remembered that my misidentification of Cadence wasn't based on how she acted at all. I noticed all the rest were identified by colors, and then jumped on "pink & yellow" & assumed it was Fluttershy.

I read this story when it popped up a while ago, and gave it a thumbs up.

After spotting a review of it, I reread it. And then again. Took me reading the comments to realize that the party of four weren't just random OCs but actually the princesses, and it made their conversation take on a whole new dimension, with Cadance debating whether or not to intervene in the little fiasco between Roseluck and Sparkler.

It was a cute story told from an interesting perspective.

I don't really read too much fanfics... I don't read much, though I absolutely love to read!! Damn ADHD--but that's besides the point. When I do read one, I try my best to leave something... <.< >.>

I like this. I haven't seen a fanfic written like this before. It reminds me a little of Kawabata. I makes me think, but also want to jump in with renewed inspiration into a fic I'm working on with a similar theme... well, several:twilightblush: I won't bother you with that:twilightoops:

I came into the fic after having read the comments, so I knew more what was going on:rainbowwild: Which begged the question throughout: the alicorns were in disguise, were they? That also makes me wonder why? Though I suppose that could be explained from the conversation that happened between them? But then, are they diviners:rainbowderp:?

I loved the subtlety, but in the end, for me, the story felt like it was reaching for something and stopped short. It left a pungent taste, indeed, but the bottle merely sipped. The ring toyed with, but unoffered. But that was your decision to the reader:raritywink:

You, good sir--pardon my all-over-the-placeness--have created a fantastic piece! The suggestion was perfect; the implications on the edge of slippery. Simple. Direct. Clear and murky at the same time. Art:moustache:

Might I inquire into your writing experience?

Can't wait to see how you improve, too. In writing, as in all art, in life, one never stops improving.

In case we may not talk again, maybe:trixieshiftleft::trixieshiftright:, and because I love hugs:
*HUG*
28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m06wtkip4n1rqq1iao1_400.gif

RBDash47
Site Blogger

This was interesting. I picked up on the hidden characterizations fairly quickly, so no worries there.

Well done.

Ohhhhh.

:fluttershysad:



Allow me to be your hundredth upthumb.

This is really good. Just the right mix of subtle and poignant while being to-the-point and not wasting anything.

Poor waiter. Nice guys get screwed all the time. :ajsleepy: Brutality of life.
Then again, no use comparing good ol' Earth to Equestria.

Good thing I read some of your comments. The Twilight-Cadence discussion about relationships would have slipped by me otherwise. I mean, I figured out it was those two, but I would have never guessed that Cadence was asking about whether or not she should intervene with her special talent.
I must be getting too old for fanfics. :pinkiesad2:

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

It's a shame you're not still around. We need more stories like this.

With great power comes great responsibility, and sometimes the responsible thing to do is not to exercise that power at all. Sometimes.

An excellent tale of gods among mortals and the ethics of divine intervention. Thank you for it.

It seems like Sunbutt and Moonbutt are lightweights when it comes to beer.

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