• Member Since 22nd Jun, 2013
  • offline last seen Sep 2nd, 2013

hester1


T

Rainbow Dash has resigned herself to hiding her feelings for Twilight Sparkle. Discord has decided to help her reveal them. Nothing could possibly go wrong.

Written for the TwiDash Group Abandoned Fic Challenge. The entire first chapter is essentially that contest's prompt.

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 36 )

Does Sombra even know more than three words?

Pinkie Pie. Ruining moments since she was born.

You probably could have spaced these out over a few days. Not much point in dumping it all on us at once.

~Skeeter The Lurker

I'll read this later. Gotta be good.

2786736 he says "crystals" a couple of times and a few "NOOOOOOOO!"s, so if you count repeated words then yah.

Great story and funny, good luck in the contest.
Obviously thumb up and fav. :twilightsmile::heart::rainbowkiss:

I have but one question... Is Shakespear intentionally 2 words?

So much cuteness! :rainbowkiss: :twilightsmile:
I really enjoyed this, and this fun and light-hearted read was just what I needed tonight :pinkiesad2: . Thanks!

2790066>>2789124 Thanks (to you and everyone else) for reading!
2789912 Yeah, I thought it sounded more pony that way.
2786958 Thanks for the advice! I'll keep that in mind for the next time.
2786736 I choose to believe that he's actually a super-genius who tries to use Obfuscating Stupidity (warning: TV Tropes)

2790498

Your welcome.

Gotta say... I find it funny that people are downvoting it... I never said I didn't like it.

It was actually enjoyable.

~Skeeter The Lurker

2791017

I think people are downvoting it since you're telling the author to hold chapters back even though they're ready for no real reason.

That's almost as bad as authors who say they won't post the next chapter unless they get a certain amount of reviews. It's called holding chapters hostage, and it's usually the sign of a bad author (or, one who cares more about the attention than the story, so pretty much the same thing).

I liked this :yay: Discord was very funny and in-character. I liked AJ's objections to the sneaky plan and how they kept eating at Rainbow. Also nice job at tricking AJ into taking part anyway :raritywink:

Calm Twilight was calm and very fitting for a post 3rd season setting :twilightsmile: Adorkable Twilight playing the date by the book was sooo adorkable :rainbowkiss:

Good luck in the contest!

Really liked the light-hearted version of Discord! Totally reminded me of the playful, devious (in a good way) Q from some Star Trek episodes. :pinkiehappy:

Well done! Good luck in the contest!

Needs more apaches. Still a good story though:twilightsmile:

Well paced and cute, nice work. I really enjoyed this version of Discord, he seemed still like his old self, but not evil in any way, and his parts helped add a nice comedic aspect to the story.

The overall plot was done well, and spread out evenly too. I like the forshadowing of Pinkie's party in the denouement by Discord, I knew it was mentioned earlier on for a reason :raritywink:

All in all, a light enjoyable read which made me smile. Good luck in the contest! :twilightsmile:

My official critique as a contest judge, as requested

This story is adorable.

A lot works very well here; the general plot outline of Discord’s antics, the book hiding plan, the date, the reveal, and the conclusion all worked very well as the sort of cute little romance story that feels authentic to the show itself and the characters in general. This is the sort of plot, that were the show to go in the direction of bringing two of the characters together romantically, might actually be used. It hits that playful and positive slice-of-lifey feel very well.

There are a couple of places that I feel could be improved to really make the story shine, though. The actions themselves were all frequently true to the characters—everything that happened felt in character—but some of the dialogue felt off at times. Not excessively so, and mostly the issue is with the second problem rather than anything specific. It’s something that I think will naturally improve for you with experience rather than anything you’re specifically doing ‘wrong.’ It’s one of those things that the more you write a character the better they ‘sound,’ and right now they’re sounding pretty good.

The biggest issue for me is the pacing. You’re not sprinting; I have seen far worse, where a plot like this is compressed into half the words and everything is so rushed you’re left dizzy. That’s not what happened here; the general pacing from point to point was good. There is a bit of a rush from the opening ‘argument’ regarding Daring and Rosetta to Discord’s performance, where I think more detail would have built up the reveal better. If things from Discord’s appearance to Twilight bolting to think took just a little bit longer, drawing out Dash’s discomfort and Twilight’s confusion a slight amount more, it would have helped.

Throughout the middle of the story, you don’t rush things, but everyone kind of feels like they’re talking a mile a minute through the plot at times. You’re not necessarily skipping over anything important, but some of the dialogue exchanges move a touch too quickly from the beginning to the end. I feel like the conversation in Carousel Boutique, from their arrival, to the end of the scene, could have stood to be a touch longer, notably Applejack’s misgivings with the whole idea. Their convincing her to stay was terrific, but her initial reaction felt a little rushed.

Part of the climax reveals both the blessing of Twidash as a pairing, and the curse of writing Twidash. Twilight’s dismissal of Dash’s ‘underhoofedness’ is in character and true to one of the best aspects of the pairing: they’re a pair of ponies that talk out the things they’re struggling with. They don’t hide from their issues and they articulate their thoughts from a practical place. This is good and shows how strong they can be as a couple, but it also pulls dramatic punches.

Clearly you’re aiming for cuteness and comedy here over a rough heartache sort of get-together, so having the issue as an immediate non-issue makes sense, but it feels a touch rushed and like it doesn’t actually matter. If there was a little more—maybe Twilight got a little hurt that Dash tried to do that, even if it didn’t work, before coming around based on the reasons she gave for why she said yes—it would have given the central conceit of the plot more power. Not a sobfest, mind you. It’s just as the story stands, the central conflicting idea of Dash being underhoofed to score a date is rendered immediately immaterial.

It’s nice to read a story that’s a fluffy trifle, which this so frequently is and aims to be. A lot of the comedy lands extremely well. I burst out laughing at several parts. Highlights include Spike saying, ‘Your approval fills me with shame,’ Discord using the pony mannequin foreleg as a comforting tool, and the group Twijack/Appledash shaming Applejack into helping them.

There is, in my opinion, a difference between inconsequential fluff and meaningful fluff, though, and I think this story is skirting the line. If you had skipped Dash’s plan coming back to guilt her, it would have made it entirely inconsequential and really hurt the story, so it’s very good you didn’t. However, it would have been stronger, while remaining just as cute and just as funny, if that guilt had more of a repercussion on either of the characters.

Grammar and mechanics were solid. The occasional typo/missed bit of punctuation, but nothing egregious by any means. Nothing that made my eye twitch. I would suggest on future projects (and this is a blanket suggestion to everyone everywhere ever) is to find an editor you trust. When you’ve been staring at the same fifteen pages or so for a few hours, pretty much everyone starts skipping over those stupid little errors, and a second set of eyes can be a godsend.

Overall a very pleasant read, though, and I look forward to seeing more from you in the future.

My two cents. :twilightsmile:

2954763 Thank you very much for the feedback.

To see if I understood your criticisms, I'm going to try to sum them up: the dialogue was off at times, the pacing was rushed at times, the central conflict fizzled out and lost its dramatic power, and there were a few typos and grammatical errors. And your recommendations, respectively, were: that I should keep writing to get experience with the characters, that the dialogue exchanges could have been longer, that Dash's plan should have had some actual consequences, and that I should get an editor.

So, was that an accurate summary?

And also, I remember you saying somewhere that you were going to offer critiques only after all of the entries were judged (presumably, to prevent the people who received feedback from using it to improve their performance in the contest). Does that mean that the judging period has ended and that I'm now free to edit this story?

2956206

Yep, solid summation.

And as I recall in regards to posting critiques, it was simply after the deadline for entries to be posted. I'm running a little late on my reading, so we're pretty close to the end of the contest judging period anyways, though. Judging officially ends on Wednesday.

Congratulations. Your story has good enough grammar to be included in the Good Grammar Directory, a comprehensive directory of grammatically-correct stories on FIMFiction.

Wow... You managed to completely negate any depth to Twilight's character in a scant two thousand words... :facehoof:

Easy way out is such a pity.

2990694 I'm just wondering, as your reply was to Chapter 2, was your criticism directed at that chapter in specific? If so, then I'd advise (or at least ask) you to read to the end of the story -- the interpretation of Twilight as some kind of mindless automaton that turns to her books to make any important choices is pretty solidly refuted in the last chapter, as is the "evidence" that Spike provided.

In fact, the main conflict of the story (inasmuch as I was willing to include conflict in a fluffy rom-com) is that Rainbow Dash was insensitive/stupid enough to think that Twilight's thought processes could be trivialized as some kind of mechanical process with a predictable output.

Though, if you were just referring to the way that none of the characters really spoke up to defend Twilight in Chapter 2, then yes, I agree that that was poor characterization on my part to streamline the story's flow. Either way, thanks for the feedback.

I have to side with Applejack on this one. That's just manipulative. :ajbemused:

Rainbow frowned thoughtfully, rubbing her chin with a hoof. “But those two don’t have foals...”

Dear God, what did I just read?

Rainbow scratched her head. “I’m pretty sure there’s some kind of rule that says we have to wait three days or something.”

Twilight's List instantly comes to mind.

“Just shut up and kiss me,” she whispered, pulling Twilight closer. Her wings flared as their lips furiously collided in a passionate –

I see what you did there...

Am I the only one who feels like I've seen that exact same first chapter at least 5 times..? Must be popular for Twidash stories I suppose :ajsmug: Either way, The first chapter (mostly) is the only thing similar in those stories because after that its nothing like the others in every one. Loved it anyways, and keep writing!

4664275 Thats because there was a contest that used the first chapter as the prompt

Only me, or does Twilight seem a little...
OOC?
En...

Hhhhhhhhngh! So...adorable!

Haha twilight is missing it by a landslide! Good start! To the next chapter!!!

Wow I just realised that this story is over 160w old haha, how did I miss this!?

Damn Discord, you gotta F things up! Haha this story is awesome by the way! To the next chapter!!!

RD'S dream.... haha priceless

Haha haha damn it Discord hahahaha

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