• Member Since 25th Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen 11 hours ago

TigeR


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Sky wakes up in the Everfree, totally alone and scared, and she doesn't remember anything. But just as the predators draw nearer, she is rescued by a pegasus named Gentle Breeze. Six years later, they are about to marry, when Sky's memories suddenly return. But these memories are not what she was expecting, and threaten to completely overthrow the wedding plans.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 46 )

Could have been better if you made the story longer, instead of cutting to wedding day. :derpytongue2:

2570479 I know, it was just a quick oneshot idea I wanted to get out. It's based on a comic I've seen a long time ago.
I really hope you liked it anyway!

Yea responding to the blog :rainbowderp: I think it sounds like it'd be a pretty amazing story. But I think I can see why people would feel a little turned off; the description leaves me wanting for more. It seems like 3k words is a little on the short side for us to be able to care for the OC's much. But I'm judging this based only off the description, so I'm going to read as well! But something people tend to do on fimfiction actually is judge stories based on description lol, it kind of sucks but I see it all the time; so just kind of a heads up. :rainbowdetermined2:

2570518 i reckon that you should do something with these characters. like write what happened in the six year skip.

If you turn 'six years later' into at least an encapsulation scene (short general descriptions of what their life was like), and maybe cut the time down to a couple of years instead of six, this might work better.

Alternatively, you could just start at the wedding day and establish this information through dialogue and flashback.

I will say you'll want to foreshadow the alien reveal a bit. Maybe more than a few ponies think Sky is a little strange in some way that her amnesia doesn't really explain, or she finds herself doing things that 'ponies don't do', generally.

Just some thoughts! :pinkiehappy:

2570518 Oh... but romance doesn't apply to one shot fiction. And maybe, that's the problem of your fic.

So I hope next time, you would expand the story.

I have a lot of ideas inside of my head, and all takes pacing to make it better. So, even with a lot of incomplete stories, I try to type it down, submit it, make the story longer; giving the readers enough information, instead of rushing it.

I would have to agree with Pico, even if this is a very well-written romance story, I would have to say that a longer version would be better to hold the genre. I could say that this is debatably a slice of life fic because this is certainly an identity problem fiction that many people can... mostly... relate to.

otherwise, a very nice story... a little rough in certain spots, but overall very good.:ajsmug:

Thanks for the comments everyone!

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Okay, I'll try to expand it a bit in the near future, and maybe write some key scenes that happend during these six years. Could take me a while to think of them, though :ajsleepy:

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Yes, I would've liked it a bit longer, too. My problem would be that I am a very introverted person, so I'm not able to express my thoughts in words that good. But nothing I can't work on :pinkiesmile:

I was originally coming to see how I liked it and give you a little critique if you need it, but... I don't read romance.

I will not give a thumbs up or a thumbs down since I didn't read it. Sorry! :twilightsmile:

I decided to give it a try. I have to say, it did feel rushed, but I didn't mind, as I'm a little uncomfortable reading romance fics. I will give it a thumbs up, however. I think this is also a slice-of-life fic, wasn't as much romance as I thought, and might also be a sad fic. I think you should have expanded a little more, and told us her memories, or given a Prologue after the mane story, but other than that, thumbs-up!

Hey there! Saw your thread in a group and thought I'd drop by to share some thoughts.

First, this is far better than a lot of the slog I wade through. I liked your narrative voice, and I thought it was otherwise mostly solid.

I agree with everyone else who already said the story is a bit rushed, especially with the skipping six years part. I really would have liked to see their relationship grow and develop between their first meeting and the wedding.

You also have some odd grammar quirks going on--nothing "wrong," exactly, but just weird. You might consider finding a good prereader or editor (I know I do) to give general feedback.

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No problem, thanks for visiting :twistnerd:

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Thanks! Maybe I'll expand this story a bit, and I'll be definitely keeping in mind that I should write my thoughts out more. It's sadly not as easy as it sounds.

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I probably have these grammar quirks because I'm not a native speaker. Looks like I'm still not a master of natural language :twilightblush: But that's what I'm here for. And I'll definitely look for prereaders if I'll ever have another story to post!

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I know it's not easy, but you can do it! Also, I did decide to read it, as you can tell. :twilightsmile:

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I probably have these grammar quirks because I'm not a native speaker.

Honestly, I never would have guessed this. So kudos to you. :twilightsmile:

Could of been longer (Got here via your forum post.) But I liked it, not bad for a first story. Keep it up. :twilightsmile:

I read it and I liked it.

Some of the issues are:

Some of the writing and grammar were a bit weird in places, but everything was put together well and I was never left scratching my head as to what was meant by a particular line because of glaring syntax errors (a problem I've been having with some pretty famous fics lately that've been around for a while). I can elaborate on gramatical issues and examples of where it was awkward in the writing in a PM if you like. There were also things left unexplained, major things suchas where Sky got her... well, you know what Im talking about. I'm not trying to spoil the story, now. But that is something I was very curious about. Did it belong to a prevous pony? Also, did anything particular trigger her memories or did they just happen? The story also felt like it could have been fleshed out a bit more. It felt like just the beginning.

What I liked:

I liked the feels in the story as well as the message, and his reaction. His reaction could have been any number of tihngs -- :pinkiesick::pinkiecrazy::pinkiesad2::pinkiegasp::pinkiehappy:. I also love tribute works, because they tend to be done with care... my understanding is this is based on a comic? All in all, good job. :eeyup:

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Thanks!
I'm a slow writer, but I'll keep going!

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Glad that I'm understandable :twilightsheepish: but I'd really like it if you'd point out the weird passages, that'd really help me better understand the english language! As to her body, the idea is that she was transported and transformed through some unknown magics, pretty standard. So there was no previous pony. Also, I tried to hint that the bracelet that she got as a present triggered her memories. I thought it was rather clear, though.
And yep, it is based on a comic. Though I didn't manage to find it again :unsuresweetie:

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In a couple of days I'll go back and examine everything. Send you something with suggestions. It may be a bit long, but I'll have it organized well enough :eeyup:

Your English is really good as well as your ability to convey ideas :ajsmug:

One question -- how do you hide the spoilers behind the dark bar? Dunno how to do it and it's been driving me crazy :twilightsheepish:

2577644 I'm happy that you're helping me :pinkiehappy: but take all the time you need, no need to hurry, I'm slow myself :twilightsmile:
The dark spoiler bars are made with the [ spoiler ] tag, without the spaces, just like italics and other formatting.

that was some awesome/weird stuff there.:rainbowkiss:

Didn't think I'd see another r63 story until I finished the one's I want to read, personal note aside, this is good enough for a one-shot. It compressed enough to make the concept clear and garnered a slight twinge of emotion for what could have been. While I consider this too short to truly enjoy given the severe shortness, I say this story is ideal for giving others inspiration.

Added to rule63 and transformation groups.

Meh.

Read it. Didn't take long. So short in fact that it had neither impact nor really character.

Your writing needs to be punched up a bit. Honestly, this felt more like a sketch than a story. Lots of telling, not a lot of showing.

I might also wonder at the point - we don't know who these characters are, we don't really identify with them. It just comes and goes. No drama, no sense of urgency, no conflict. In, out, boom.

If you want original characters, they need to be established. If you want us to care, their likability needs to be established. If you want us to worry, their conflict needs to be established.

This is all right as a first attempt, but you're going to need to do better than this.
Don't let my criticism discourage you - there is promise in you, I think, if you're willing to practice and take your lumps in criticism.

Wow, this is an awesome story!

You did well creating this story, sir:twilightsmile:. Is it safe to assume that you will have a sequel to this story (or that you will improve this one, at least)? I respectfully demand to know:pinkiehappy:.

Thanks for the replies!

3273203 Thanks for adding the story to the groups. It's really noticeable how more people come here :raritystarry:

3273229 True. This story really was some kind of experiment, it was the first time I really posted a story of mine. Now that I got feedback from people that aren't my family I can see what I have to improve on. It was eye-opening, so to speak. And thanks for believing that there's promise in me, it's nice to hear :scootangel:

3275435 You demand!? Well... okay then :pinkiehappy:
I'd really like to improve this story, and even write a sequel! The problem is, I just can't do so right now. My bachelor thesis is due in two months, and it is just too time consuming :twilightangry2:
Not to speak of all the video games that constantly call out, "Play me, TigeR, play me!"
Some time next year, maybe? I can't promise anything at this point, sorry.

Thouroughly enjoyable to read. That is an interesting hint on who or what did that to her that a charm that wards off evil magic is what removed the amnesia. :twilightsmile:

That's very cute:twilightsmile: although, i'm sorry, but



SEQUEL!!!!:flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage:

Well... I was apprehensive at first by reading this...but I enjoyed it immensely. It may have been short, and it may have left plenty of holes in the plot, but for a short story...it was absolutely delectable.

Thank you very much.

ISA

That was nice, even if shorter than i would wish. a sequel would be cool if you ever do get the time and the motivation at the same time.

Maybe something covering the time skip?
or a piece where Gentle Breeze has second thoughts about all this due to his girly-girl(marey-mare?) wife has started acting a lot more tomboyish(tomcoltish?) But then of course he falls in love with this new(old?) Sky too because the [sad] tag is lame.

Lots of interesting directions it could go. Just spitballin' here.

4494495 Thanks for your comment, I really like getting those!

I was thinking that I'd do something like a rewrite rather than a sequel/prequel, because it's still the same story in my eyes. The first part really needs more to it, and I was planning to fill the time skip some more, even if I can't remove it entirely.

You bring up some interesting ideas, too. I haven't thought about the after-the-wedding at all, and I might use that, if or when I write some more.

Time really is a problem for me, I have half a dozen projects now that I have to finish for my masters degree. I might be able to dedicate a few hours to writing, but the even bigger problem is motivation. I just... never sit down and start, instead I'm programming random stuff.

I agree with many of the commenters here, that the story could have been expanded upon. Your story has great potential to have a good back story, while you said you may not write one, I think it would make for a good read. I would like to read how Sky dealt with being an amnesiac, getting through rehabilitation to learn how to write and do other tasks, and what occupation she takes after rehabilitation. Then you could cover their courtship, where Gentle Breeze first works up the nerve to ask her out, and in later chapters, go over their life after their wedding for a handful/hoofful of chapters.

I was going to say you don't have to make it a prequel, just write some chapters out and have this somwhere in the middle or later half, but that wouldn't make much continuity sense.

I'm going to wrap up my comment with a congratulations and thanks for a well written story. A story that I feel has great potential to be expanded upon. I really like reading it, and just finished reading it a second time, before commenting.

4494495 -

Maybe something covering the time skip?
or a piece where Gentle Breeze has second thoughts about all this due to his girly-girl(marey-mare?) wife has started acting a lot more tomboyish(tomcoltish?) But then of course he falls in love with this new(old?) Sky too because the [sad] tag is lame.

I had a though on this: Perhaps Sky wasn't so much a 'girly-girl' as you say, like Rarity, Fluttershy or other characters, but has some tomboy tendencies in her psyche as a hold over from her forgotten past. She doesn't have to be too girly at all. She could be somewhere in there like Applejack: just girly enough to be a mare, but still be outgoing and tough.

5517821 Thanks for commenting! It makes me smile every time someone takes the time and effort to write something down for me.

Comments seem to be a great and inspiring source of ideas for the prequel. And every time I read through those, I get even more ideas and want to write something :twilightsheepish:

But writing for me is only a minor hobby, so there are other things I'd rather do most of the time. Add to that a ton of projects I have to do for various university courses, and I just can't justify another new project :fluttershyouch:

But if everything goes well, I'll be done in a year. Perhaps I'll have the time to write some more then? Who knows :derpytongue2: All I know is, I'll consider everything written in the comments and put in even more effort!

5518961 - I hope your studies and projects go well then! :twilightsmile: Like many fans, I would like to see something a little sooner, but being a former student myself, I know full well the deadlines and importance and priority school work is. :ajsleepy:

I would say something about writing, but it would seem a bit pushy, but know that I have this story favorited, and will return to it when I need something to keep my mind occupied. :derpytongue2:

I thought of a few questions for you to think about, if you haven't thought about them yet:

i.) What do Sky and Gentle do for work?
ii.) How was Sky's rehab?
iii.) How did Sky get her name?
iv.) How feminine is Sky: did any of her previously male traits carry over into her new personality? - Did she act like a tomboy a lot, but grow more feminine over the six years to their wedding?

If I think of anymore, I'll post them here.

5678074 SO MANY QUESTIONS! WHERES THE ANSWERS!

SORRY FOR THE DOUBLE POST... BUT...I CANT HELP BUT NOT SING ME AND MY BROKEN HEART WHILE READING THIS

6363519 - They might be answered when and if the author is willing to update and add to the story. I was told that they (the author) would update after some time, and I actually forgot about the story for some time. I'm still hoping for an update though, as I'm sure many others are too.

6536417 *shrug* of there is a sequel I would probably not know :P

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I am writing my master thesis during the next half year and plan on earning a doctorate after, and this story has just too low a priority for me to write a sequel in the forseeable future, sorry :fluttershyouch:
I'd rather explore a few other of my ideas first, though they would be of a different genre than this story.

6538334 knew it lol. NOW TO WRITE ALL THE RIGHT MOVES PARODY Q.Q

I liked this!^_^ It was cute!^_^ And really nice!^_^

Too bad Sky didn't get to keep her dick. You know, hermaphrodite ponies are a thing. If I ever get turned into a mare, I hope I keep my dick and balls.^_^

Preferably a mare who looks like a pony Weiss Schnee. And has ice magic. That's be so cool!^_^(yes, pun intended)

Interesting idea well done. Curiously, I wrote something quite similar to this without being aware of it.

Heh =3

Great minds think alike eh? :3

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