Paul's Thursday Reviews CCLXXIV · 1:10pm Nov 25th, 2021
A happy turkey day to all my fellow ‘Murricans out there! Posting very early and keeping this short, because I’ve got a three-hour drive ahead and I’d like to get there before they start eating without me. Which they could end up doing, as I’m only bringing the desserts.
Quick, to the reviews!
Stories for This Week:
Spirals and Spices by THEJamiboi
Raremageddon by Knight of the Raven
And That Made all the Difference by Between Lines
Soarin's Pet Rock by Beware The Carpenter
The Knight and the Knave by Trick Question
Love Is Blind; Friendship Closes Its Eyes by Bico
Total Word Count: 208,789
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 2
Pretty Good: 2
Worth It: 1
Needs Work: 1
None: 0
Spirals and Spices
142,026 Words
By THEJamiboi
The woefully named Boltblood Thundercloud is a traveling chef, but his journey takes a turn for the worse when his wagon home gets caught in a landslide in the Badlands. The Badlands, where all sorts of dangerous and mysterious creatures lurk. It’s only natural that he’d run into one…
This one was chosen due to a certain curiosity on my part, namely the potential of lamias as an MLP race. I suspected from the art and the description what I might be in for, but I wanted to give the author a chance and see if maybe they could do something with this vastly underutilized creature.
Alas, all my worries came true. The writing here is rough, and it’s clear to me that THEJamiboi made no attempt whatsoever to proof or call upon editors/pre-readers. Incorrect verb tenses, homophones galore, sometimes even using non-homophones that make no sense in or out of context. Worse is the author’s frequent attempts to speak directly to the reader in-story, which was a blatant attempt at being humorous but came off as amateurish.
To be fair, I like the general idea of what the author wanted to do with this. We’re not just meeting a lamia, we’re encountering an entire village and making what might be considered a look at their culture. Even if that look is brief, unrealistic, and blatantly centered around self-insert sexual fantasies.
Yes, sexual fantasies. Some of you probably saw that coming. Get this: the entire lamia village is female (because of pseudoscience genetics nonsense) and the entire race survives by capturing pony stallions as sex slaves. Yes, THEJamiboi expects you to take this seriously. And of course the first lamia we meet wants to bone Boltblood. And then they get to the village where everyone expects him to be her slave (except her, because of course he got the lone ‘nice girl’ of the bunch), the lamia queen is making deals to have him in her bed for a few hours, and towards the end of the story we’ve got a full 9,000-word-plus chapter devoted entirely to him having an explicitly described orgy with said queen and multiple other eager lamias.
Is there anything outside of sex in this ‘story’? As a matter of fact, there is. Mostly it involves Boltblood and Ruby (his lamia) going through the typical motions of a romance, albeit in an extremely rushed manner. Seriously, they went from strangers to marriage in less than two months. A particular highlight is when Boltblood and Ruby have this moment that is supposed to be all touching and romantic, but then Twilight and Rarity show up and he has to ask Twilight a personal question. Obviously he doesn’t want Ruby to hear, so he asks her to go on ahead. Not two minutes later she’s scared to death and “feels like he’s moving away from her”. Because apparently being asked to give him space for two minutes to ask something private to a princess after an entire day of romantic mingling is enough to tell Ruby that he might not love her anymore.
With that example alone, I have told you everything you need to know about the plot development in this story. But because they bug me, let me add in a few more:
- A Canterlot jeweler is able to make a wedding ring and send it to Ponyville in the time it takes the characters to have lunch.
- Twilight pays for the engagement ring of a stallion and lamia she’s known for a total of less than twenty-four hours.
- Lamias have been living in isolation and exile for centuries yet have access to electricity, modern pony music (and the modern equipment to play it), and all the other conveniences of a 1st world nation.
- Lamias capture and keep stallions as sex slaves until Boltblood, who up until this point demonstrated no combat experience or ability and never shows any such capacity afterwards, beats a lamia warrior in combat.
- Beating this lamia instantly makes the entire lamia village willing to turn a new leaf and stop enslaving stallions, and when he visits a month later even the lamia warrior, who before was shown to be violent, cruel and racist, is treating stallions with respect and being courted by one.
- Boltblood and Ruby visit Ponyville and conveniently meet all the Mane Six, because it’s impossible to visit Ponyville and not do that.
- Boltblood is fast enough and skilled enough to dodge and dance around Ruby’s tail when she’s trying to capture him, at least for a little while, but Rainbow Dash is not.
- Because we need to get vore involved, lamias have a second, non-digesting stomach for storing food. They also like to store their stallion mates in them as some sort of romantic exercise. No explanation for how said stallion can breathe in there is ever given.
Have you rolled your eyes yet? Now let me get to the big problem. Anybody here interested in trigger warnings?
Ruby rapes Boltblood. That’s not an exaggeration. Yes, he does come around to enjoying it, but that doesn’t change the fact: Ruby corners him in his wagon, hypnotises him to keep him from resisting, and then fucks him despite his clear pleas for her to stop.
It gets worse from there. This story is clearly centered around the whole hypnotism fetish, and takes it to its worst extremes. Honestly, I am not convinced that Boltblood’s romantic feelings towards Ruby in their entirety aren’t due to her pushing those feelings into his head via hypnotism. She does it to him frequently, and at one point even admits to delving deep into his mind and reprogramming him – her word choice – to make him willing to do it more. This is creepy as fuck, and I don’t blame anyone if they are offended by the author’s apparent efforts to paint it as okay.
It’s not just Ruby. There’s one scene where they manage to meet a male lamia in Ponyville who has apparently become a local. He openly admits to a promiscuous lifestyle, and the mares are all blatantly interested in him. Which is… fine, I suppose. Until we see him casually hypnotize a random mare on the street and bring her into a back alley to have his way with her. This is done in broad daylight in the busy market and nopony bats an eyelash. Then you learn that he’s already done this at least once to Princess Twilight Sparkle.
You’re reading that right: lamias can hypnotize and rape anypony they want and get away with it. It’s unclear if rape is merely deemed ‘normal’ in this AU (which on its own is a horrifying idea) or if the lamia’s aren’t outright taking over the country via brainwashing. Given that Princess Luna apparently knows the lamia queen on a first name basis, it could go either way.
All that being said, I grant that this entire story is a big self-insert sex fantasy. I would also point out with curiosity that, seeing as this is a self-insert, the author has put themselves in the position of the rapee, not the rapist. Make of that whatever you will. The point I’m going for is that while the events in this story are legit concerning, I don’t begrudge anyone their sexual fantasies. If this is what turns THEJamiboi on, and nobody in the real world is being hurt by it, then I refuse to cast stones. But I won’t blame anyone else if they get offended.
This was everything I feared it would be, and even took it a bit further. I was really hoping for some attempt to explore the lamias as a proper species and culture, but I guess that was too much to ask for. At least THEJamiboi made an attempt to do it all in the form of a traditional romance rather than this being an endless stream of pony-on-snakepony orgasms, and for that I feel some praise is due. But the writing quality, the nonsensical plot points, and the blatant underlying intentions of the story made it hard for me to get invested in the characters or the events. A disappointment, but not a surprise.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Raremageddon
20,370 Words
By Knight of the Raven
Between saving the world and making time for her friends, Rarity’s life is leaving little time for running a stable business. Now she’s stuck in a corner with tons of clothes to make and deadlines far too near for even her legendary productivity. After a desperate struggle session of all-nighters, she eventually realizes that she can’t possibly finish her current orders all by herself. Or… can she?
Multiple Best Ponies running around spreading fabulosity wherever they go? Yes and Please!
This was simultaneously exactly what I hoped for and nothing like I expected. It does indeed involve an overworked, overstressed Rarity using the Mirror Pool to make copies of herself and putting them to work getting all her orders done. And of course they manage to escape her control and go around, er, ‘helping’ the citizens of Ponyville. For a particular definition of ‘help’ that specifically applies to Rarity’s thought processes, that is.
I had a lot of fun. My favorite part was the cartload of Rarities; just imagining it makes me grin. Seeing the rest of the Mane Six’s reaction to the fashion invasion was great, Rainbow’s being the most extensive (in case the cover art doesn’t give that away). All the shenanigans are accentuated by a witty narrative that does a delightful job getting into Rarity’s and Rainbow’s respective headspaces.
Then you get that ending, which is surprisingly… sober, for lack of a better word. I couldn’t help feeling like there was something left undone, a mistake unspoken that Rarity, her clones, or Rainbow could have resolved if they’d just tried. I really like how Knight of the Raven depicts the clones of the Mirror Pool as just wanting to be helpful, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that they deserved more appreciation for that, even if their methods were more troublesome than anything.
Then you get that final scene. Which was great, because I saw it early in the story, I was questioning it, I was wondering, and then we get that payoff and I’m like “I knew it!”
So yeah, really enjoyed this one. It’s fun, it’s whimsical, it’s a touch exaggerated, and it kept me smiling from beginning to end. Dive in and try not to let the fabulosity overwhelm you.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
And That Made all the Difference
14,469 Words
By Between Lines
Requested by Raugos
Princess Pandora Sparkle was just getting a much-deserved lecture from her mother, Princess Twilight, when said mother abruptly disappeared before her eyes.
Princess Starburst was failing at spending time with her mother, Princess Twilight Sparkle, when said mother abruptly disappeared before her eyes.
Time for some multiverse shenanigans! In this story we see Pandora and her ‘assistant’, Cupcake, joining forces with Starburst to find their respective Princess Twilights, who have been shipped to a third universe that the author seems to have created just for this story (although I could be entirely wrong about that).
On the one hand, getting to see two of my favorite fan-made AUs blend even a little is a treat. On the other, it feels like there could have been so much more. We end up with an adventure in a dangerous new world when just the idea of having them explore one another’s worlds would have been more than enough to keep any fan of either AU satisfied. Seriously, why stop at these characters when there’s so many more? Curse you, Between Lines, where’s your ambition?!
But I digress. For what we got it was a fun ride. Especially with Cupcake proving herself to be a bonafide badass, but we all knew that already. Plus the two Twilights getting along like old friends, with insinuations that this isn’t the first time for either of them on the interdimensional train ride. Did I mention Cupcake being a badass? Because Cupcake’s a badass.
This does come with a handful of caveats, the most obvious of which is that you might not get anything out of this if you aren’t familiar with the Lopoddity and Kilala universes (you should correct that immediately, you poor, deprived soul). Or the fact that a great many of the initial problems that pervade the characters go completely unresolved.
Still, I enjoyed myself, and I think a lot of fans of these two worlds will do the same. So if you’re one of them, by all means dive in. I just wish there was a sequel…
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Great and Powerful — Worth It
Soarin's Pet Rock
17,516 Words
By Beware The Carpenter
Soarin has a pet rock named Stoney. They always have one another’s backs, ever since Soarin was twelve. So when a mare tricks Soarin into letting her into his room, knocks him out and takes all his stuff, the two work together to solve the problem. Neither of them anticipate that this will lead to an even bigger danger…
Yes, this is a story about a rock. Even weirder, the story is from the rock’s perspective. Yes, you’re supposed to take it seriously. If you can’t, I guess you should go ahead and move on.
But if you can, you’ll find something that might be considered touching.
This is set in the same universe as Carpenter’s Storm of Secrets, but requires no prior understanding of that story. As long as you can accept that Rainbow Dash is Captain of the Wonderbolts without Spitfire retiring, you’ll be fine. The story comes in two parts. First, Soarin and Stoner work to get Soarin’s uniform back before a big event. Surprisingly, this involves Prince Blueblood. It seems Blueblood is something of a criminal mastermind in this AU, and while it’s probable that he’s using the oblivious Soarin as part of his schemes it’s also suggested that Blueblood might legit like him too. That alone was interesting and I was sad that this interpretation of Blueblood only appeared for two chapters.
The second part, which takes up the vast majority of the story, shows what happens when Soarin gets his hooves on the Alicorn Amulet (which Rainbow Dash somehow fails to recognize). At first his evil acts are rather wimpy, things like signing his autograph wrong on purpose. But, like Trixie before him, eventually things get worse, until he’s planning to make Rainbow Dash his sex toy and starts throwing earth pony foals around thousands of feet in the air.
And all along his best friend, Stoner, can only watch helplessly.
For a story about a rock, this was a surprisingly good one. It starts off as a comedy, with Soarin being a total buffoon and general (but well-meaning) idiot. It even makes him endearing, and he’s not so dumb that he doesn’t know when he needs to get help from someone smarter. Throughout the story is the one big question of whether Stoner is actually sentient or merely a voice in his head, especially when you find out at the end exactly when Stoner started talking to him. This is all accentuated by the fact that nopony else reacts to Stoner’s words, but it’s never clear if they’re ignoring him or can’t hear him because he’s a rock. One of my favorite moments was when Soaren asked somepony else why Stoner didn’t count as a second man (er, stallion). Was the answer meant to humor Soarin or made in all seriousness? And I loved that the story ended with Stoner offering to explain things to somepony other than Soarin, putting the very question up in the air without bothering to answer it.
As much as you might go into this thinking it’s a comedy, it’s not. Oh, it has its comedic elements, but there’s a lot more to it than that. Especially when you hit that ending and you figure out exactly why Stoner is so important to Soarin. It paints these events in a whole new, tragic light.
This was all-around great, and vastly superior to anything I would have expected from the author that gave us Storm of Secrets. It’s different. It’s amusing. It’s painful. It makes you question things. I thoroughly enjoyed it and heartily recommend it.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Hunter and Prey — Pretty Good
Spitfire's Pet Unicorn — Worth It
Storm of Secrets — Needs Work
The Knight and the Knave
2,321 Words
By Trick Question
Sequel to Smoothing the Knots
Requested by Trick Question
Celestia and Luna have morning tea, as has become their ritual ever since the whole Tantabus incident. The circumstances are far from ideal, but necessary. After all, it’s not every day a princess has a psychotic breakdown. But with tea and talk, perhaps they can overcome the burdens, both fresh and old.
Trick Question once again shines, this time with a story as deceptive as it is exploratory. It is just as much about Celestia as it is about Luna, with the sisters gently probing one another for secrets that they both hope will lead to some healing. Alas, princesses are stubborn creatures.
I can’t talk too much about the contents of this one. It’s far better experienced than explained, and I strongly urge you to discover its secrets and twists for yourself. There are twists, and when the big one comes it completely reshapes everything you thought you knew about what is going on. This is one area that Trick Question has always excelled in, and this exemplified that.
One little thing that needs to be mentioned: there’s no need to have read Smoothing the Knots to understand what’s happening here. I mean, you could given how short it is, but it seems like this is only a sequel to it in that they take place in the same continuity.
I digress. A fascinating piece that starts at exploring Celestia’s and Luna’s deeper issues, with a sequel I am sure to read in time. Strongly recommended.
Bookshelf: WHYRTY?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Clarity of Darkness — WHYRTY?
Winter Heat — WHYRTY?
Familiar — WHYRTY?
Dead and Loving It — Pretty Good
Smoothing the Knots — Worth It
Love Is Blind; Friendship Closes Its Eyes
12,087 Words
By Bico
Sequel to Love Is Patient
The previous story was set during the wedding of Anthea and Turquoise. The Princess of Slumber, Nidra, tried to stop the wedding so that she could keep Turquoise to herself, only to be thwarted by her mother, Princess Luna. The story demonstrated Nidra’s selfishness and taught her a rather terrible lesson, one I feared would come back to bite them all in the flank some day.
This story is set many decades later. Anthea is on her deathbed, ravaged by age, while her long-lived half-dragon husband watches. Princess Nidra pays the mare a last visit, begrudgingly ready to offer Anthea her dying wish. It is something she has both dreaded and longed for in equal measure.
Bico tells this one in alternating forms, half the time being in the present as Anthea has a final conversation with her dear friend and the other being flashbacks of their lives together. We learn that despite her jealousy, Nidra has been a close and dear friend to them. More interesting: Anthea has always known of Nidra’s desire for her husband. In a way, the story is Nidra’s ‘lesson’ from the first story coming true: Anthea is dying, and now it’s Nidra’s turn to have Turquoise. Yet I doubt it’s anywhere near as satisfying as Nidra had originally anticipated.
The end result is a touching story about the lives of three best friends. While it varies in its perspective, it seems clear that Nidra is again the primary character. The tale mostly involves her constant defiance of her own selfish desires in favor of not betraying Anthea. It’s lovely. It’s a bit painful. It’s heartfelt, and I took great pleasure in it.
If you have any love for the characters in the kilala-verse or just want a touching tale of friendship and inevitability, this will do it for you. I’d say more, but I don’t want to spoil too much of the details. Just be aware that this is a vastly better story than its predecessor, which you don’t need to have read to fully understand what’s going on with this one.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
I’m still questioning why the Daedric Prince of Beauty had a temple in Equestria.
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Love Is Patient — Worth It
Stories for Next Week:
Idbow Dash by An Unimpressive
Kaidan by Lupine Infernis
A Method to his Madness by Luna-tic Scientist
The Thirty Minute Dash by Esle Ynopemos
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It's very hard not to read WHYRTY as "WHY, RARITY? D:"
*Sees the cover art of the first 'fic.*
*Reads midway through the review.*
"Well, Paul, take comfort in the fact that at least it's... not... a... vore...
oh."
Wait, so you pick a story about a lamia to read and it isn't the one by fandom paragon Cold in Gardez?
- MLP: FiM
- Comedy
- Slice of Life
There aren't many stallions in Ponyville. For most mares, this might be considered a problem. For a mare addicted to eating them, it's the perfect chance to detox.Oh my gosh, yes. If only this story had been something, like, ten times longer...
I mean, I kind of have to wonder what you were expecting from that first one. I didn't even have to read a word of the review before going "yup, that's porn" based on the cover art alone.
In defense of one very small aspect of that Lamia story, there are instances in existing folklore of races that are all female and kidnap human males for breeding. Older European instances of gnomes are like that.
Man, I could not have had a different reaction to "Soarin's Pet Rock" than you did. I found the proofreading mediocre, and I had the comment "this feels like something written by Beavis" noted. Not something about Beavis, mind you, which I might find funny, but something by him. I noped out after 2 chapters and barely 1k words, which is rare for me to give up on a story so quickly.
I'm only good at masterful twists in order to force people to read my stories twice. That's how desperate I am for people to read these things. Maybe I should pay people money to read my fiction.
Most people don't care as much for the sequel (it's longer, different, darker, and it has a much larger point to make). But it's still classic Trick Question because, for one obvious example, I had to do a bunch of mathematical calculations in order to write it.
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Alternatively: "Why, Rarity! :D"
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Oh, indeed. Sometimes, one must wonder about people...
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I was unaware CiG had written one. Perhaps I shall read it in the future.
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It was probably sitting in my RiL folder for years, so there's no telling. But yeah, when it came up in the list I took one look at the description and was thinking "what have I gotten myself into?" My explanation in the review is really more of a best guess as to my thoughts at the time.
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I don't blame you at all, but if you'd read Storm of Secrets you'd know that Soarin's Pet Rock is a demonstration of significant improvement. My positive attitude towards it was heavily because of that. I mean, seriously, it's like night and day.
That being said, if this had been my introduction to the author, I almost certainly would have panned it.
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Ah, but do you utterly confuse the audience with said mathematics in-story? That would be a true indicator of the TQ writing style.
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People complain about the exposition a little, but I don't think the math itself is too confusing.
(Then again, I think the Tychonoff plank isn't too confusing, so I'm perhaps not the best judge.)
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Welp, now I'm stuck with that for the rest of my life. (Because Paul will never stop doing these blogs until I die, of course.)
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(secretly considers adding terrible vore story to a bookshelf)
(even more secretly reconsiders)
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Huh, I hadn't considered that a WHYRTY rating might be context-dependent like that.
My story made you happy and that's the important part to me. Speaking of which, thank you, reading your review made me happy. I could tell just from the way you wrote it that you had a blast.
As the writer, I'd call the ending rushed rather than sober. I'd crunched through the story in two months and fatigue had set in by chapter 4. Raremageddon was going to be rushed complete or it wasn't going to be complete at all.
The copies certainly deserved more. Status quo meant they couldn't stick around, but there was room for a much better resolution. Again though, rushed complete.
They indeed just wanted to help. It's only barely hinted at, but the Mirror Pool is supposed to be empathic in this. Since Rarity's goal was altruistic here, it made the clones out of the best in her.
This alone would offer much contrast with the original, very much flawed Rarity. Really, even just one clone around makes for a good story. Provided she's written as a person rather than a trope or a caricature, anyway.
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Me, either. When you brought it up I was surprised, not at your reaction, but at my own. It made me question if I'd given it the right rating. And yet I can't help but feel that it was the correct placement, so I guess I'll shrug and move on.
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So THAT explains it. I just happened to feed him all my stories in the correct order. :V
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I just liked the "requested by Trick Question" on that story. As if getting a dedicated blog entry wasn't enough, now you're asking him to read more?
(I know you sometimes take me as being more serious about things than I actually am, and no, I'm not making a jab at you here. Just teasing you.)
Stoner is a rock and Soarin is crazy. Any time Soarin is internally conflicted or unsure of something it's put as a debate between himself and his rock with Stoner typically taking the role of his conscience, but not always. For instance, if Soarin is planning on visiting a psychotherapist, Stoner will be freaking out and begging him not to see Psycho-The-Rapist because he'll try and murder Stoner/ make Soarin stop talking to him.
At the end of the planned trilogy, he is in a sort of awkward relationship with a love interest in danger and Soarin could save her by throwing Stoner, knowing he could never retrieve him. In reality, it would only last a second but Soarin does not want to lose his brother but Stoner makes the decision to 'jump'. On the surface, it feels like Soarin would rather have an imaginary relationship than a real one but you have to realize that Soarin ultimately made the choice even if he swears to his dying day that Stoner had sacrificed himself. The only other way Soarin could have possibly processed it would be murdering his younger brother while he begged for mercy which his psyche would never have recovered from.
Also, my cannon splits after season 2 so Trixie never had the alicorn amulet. She does get a talisman of a completely different origin that boosts her power and does different things with it but I'd had that idea before season 3 came out. Soarin was also hiding the amulet in his mane, (in Stoner's spot), because it's still performance enhancing magic so Dash didn't know it was there.
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I think you have PresentPerfect confused for Paul. PP did a specific TQ review entry (not by request) because I posted a blog entry to talk about personal responsibility and stories and reconsidering ratings, and every story I talked about except the three I forbid him to read he decided to read all of them and do a big review because it was convenient.
Paul just did a lot of my stories I mentioned to him offhoof over the past couple of years. At this point I'm limiting myself to recommending one story to him at a time, which should mean months between reviews. I technically still have one in the queue now (because he reads sequelae to stories he's read and not hated, natch). Ashes isn't the same kind of polished story as TKaTK so it's not as well-received—a bit math-expositiony—but the message I think resonates strong and is an important one for me. TKaTK is more of a character piece with a twist that adds a lot of depth to the characters.
I am also a kidder, you're in good company Pasc.
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And also (which should be obvious) I don't recommend because I want the review. I just want to force Paul to read my stories, like everypony else on this website.
I'll get a review in-queue for my next story honestly: by placing in the G5 bingo contest, for which I think I have a lock.
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For that matter, if you want stories about lamias, this one's probably also a good one to recommend.
- MLP: FiM
- Slice of Life
Hydia, the Queen of the Lamias, was the first of Equestria's enemies that Celestia consigned to Tartarus instead of killing. Over the centuries, their relationship changes in some ways.5614172
Feels like a while since I last read a Baal Bunny fic. Perhaps I'll make this one next.