• Member Since 1st Nov, 2012
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Beware The Carpenter


What looks white when it's glad, red when it's sad and transparent when scared; sleeps through the night yet hides from the sun, won't give its name but pretends it's a bee and enjoys rollerskating?

T
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Sequel to Spitfire's Pet Unicorn. (It's a one-shot.)

Cadance or Canterlot? Faced with an impossible decision, Shining Armor embarks down a dangerous path. Twilight refuses to leave his side, but when a bad decision causes the situation to escalate far beyond his control; Shining Armor must face the possibility of losing everything he loves.

After years of waiting, Rainbow Dash has finally joined the Wonderbolts but it's not turning out anything like she had hoped. When a mysterious unicorn appears out of nowhere to save Derpy and disappears just as suddenly, Dash resolves to find him; following him into a world of dark secrets she could have never possibly imagined.

Twilight can tell her brother is hiding something; he promised not to, but he is. Every night he wakes up screaming, and every day he's more afraid. She doesn't know how to help him, but he won't survive without it.

This is Cadence; can anypony hear me? We're trapped in the Everfree Forest. All I see are trees in every direction, but there's something out there; and it's coming closer. Shining Armor is sick, I think he's dying. Please, if anypony finds this message, send help.

Look at them; the blissfully ignorant citizens of Ponyville. They think their freedom comes without cost. They believe the peace they enjoy has no price. They have no idea of the war that is waged, and the sacrifices made, to win these things which they take for granted. But that is how it must be. If they ever learned the truth, everything would be undone. Listen well to my story, consider it, and then never speak of it for as long as you live. If you tell even one pony, Equestria will burn!


Set one year after and alternate ending to season two. Shining Armor and Cadence never married. Three weeks before the wedding was scheduled to take place, it was postponed indefinitely. No explanation was given to the citizens of Canterlot.

Chapters (48)
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Comments ( 101 )

OK this chapter was a lot longer then necessary and most of the parts (such as 'the Radical Wizard of Awes' and the Wonderbolt fanfictions) I wrote mostly on spur of the moment. The main point of this chapter is to give a final ray of lighthearted laughs to juxtapose the horrors of the forest that come next, and to do a final setup for a blowout with Dash and the Wonderbolts.

Deleted scene :pinkiegasp:
I wrote this one night completely on spur of the moment and thought it was hilarious at the time. Since then I've decided it does not fit as all with RD's character development at all, but you might still get a laugh out of it. This is meant to come right after Firestreak asked if Apple Bloom had 300,000 bits.



How could they have done this to her? How could they have let Dash spend her entire life dreaming about becoming one of them and then turn out to by so bitter in real life. The most merciful thing they could have ever done is kill her the day after she joined, that way at least she could have died happy. But the monsters had let her live, they had made her one of them and now she had become a part of their lie!

With a scream of frustration Dash lunged at Fire Streak, wrapping her hooves around his throat and squeezing the life out of him as she bashed his skull repeatedly against a rock, each blow drawing more blood as it poured down his face past his bulging, fish-like eyes. The other Wonderbolts tried to hold her back, but she turned on them, tearing their wings off with her bare hooves and throwing them head first into trees where they made a satisfying “crack!” before falling limp and lifeless to the ground. A few of them did the smartest thing they had done since they met her and tried to run, flying away as fast as their wings would carry them, but Dash went after them, ripping a ten foot leafless branch off one of the trees and using it as a club to bat each of them out of the sky with flawless precision, to the delighted cheers of Apple Bloom. She no longer had a flight team but that wouldn't matter soon. She would hire Twilight to build her a new flight team, of robots! Android pegasi who would always put the fans first, would wouldn't be afraid to try new routines, wouldn't waste their money buying truckloads of their own merchendise, and best of all, she'd have Twilight make her a remote control for them with a mute button on it! She could fold them all up at night and put them in a box under her bed where they'd be out of the way for her and Storm.

Ever so slowly Dash opened her eyes; and the grin she had been wearing the last thirty seconds vanished, when she saw that all the Wonderbolts were still there, in a line looking back at her looking only slightly freaked out.

I know most other fan fics anthropomorphize the ponies digestive systems I'm OK with that; but for the record real equines cannot vomit. They don't have stomachs like we do, instead their digestive tract is more like one gigantic set of intestines. That's why they're grazing animals that should eat little amounts of food constantly rather then meals a few times a day. :pinkiegasp:

For anyone who's thinking of judging Shining Armor a bit too harshly, don't. Their relationship is more complicated then Canterlot trumps marriage. :unsuresweetie: :eeyup:

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Thanks. For anyone who want's to skip over to where they've read, I think the only other important edit is adding dates. The story is going to take place over about a week; Prologue -Ch 2 is Monday, Cahapter 3 and the first part of 4 are Tuesday and after that so far is Wednesday. :twilightsmile:

:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

OK honestly; at what point did you realize who I was talking about? :derpyderp2:

I.....................I think............I think Shining Armor just broke Rainbow Dash.

Also, if she gets her memory back, RD might want to think about asking for asylum in the Griffon kingdom. Oh, wait. They don't want to die either.

I imagine the switching timeliness of Storm's dreams and Shining Armor's memories may make some of the characters ages difficult to follow :rainbowhuh:so let me spell it out: :twilightsmile:

At the time of the story SA is 31, Twilight is 25, Cadance is 34, Storm is 29, RD is 23.

Storm and Silver were orphaned when he was 10 and she was 7, they lived on the streets for 2 years, with Straight Hack for 4 years and then joined the Rangers when Storm was 16 and Silver was 13. (Storm joined immediately and Silver joined a year later, mostly so she could be with her brother.)

Twilight started setting SA and Cadance up on improve dates when SA was 18, Cadance was 22 and Twi was 12. 2 years later Twilight joined Celestia's school for gifted unicorns and SA joined the Rangers where he met Storm for the first time.


Note: this is all guessed/invented by me, I'm not getting the ages from anywhere official. And I'm anthropomorphizing them to human life spans as real horses are mature at 3 yrs and dead of old age by 25.

I do like the point I made with Discord here; most stories agree the if discord escaped it would be a total catastrophe; I just don't find clouds of cotton candy that rain chocolate milk that scary; :pinkiehappy: but what if Discord would just open the door for something far worse. :rainbowderp:

Quidditch... Gryphindor... I see what you did there:trollestia:

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Fair enough, but just for the record I'm planning a sequel where Zecora plays a much larger role. You also find out she has a daughter ten years older then Shining Armor who she left in the Zaharen, for her own safety, when she fled the country. :pinkiegasp:

An OC we invented named Ekips. He's a dragon

... I see what you did there:rainbowlaugh: But boy... there is plenty of hate for the Wonderbolt flight team now:ajbemused:

And you had to cut it off there:pinkiecrazy: You damn, damn cliffhangery person you:rainbowlaugh:

1717267 I think I need this just as much as she does...:pinkiecrazy: What a bombshell, that's fer sure.

And now we have backstory! Ooh how I love them:pinkiehappy: Gives me details that I like to focus on:pinkiecrazy:

As soon as you said damaged her eye "bang" that's when it hit me derpy was the one you spoke of and I was right.

And on a compleatley separate note I love this book it's amazing...

I love this and very much want more

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I tend to write this in big blocks at the time instead of chapter by chapter. I haven't been feeling well for a long time (otherwise I'd probably be done) but I hope to release the next 5-6 chapters in the next couple of weeks. After that all that will be left will be the finale and the wrapping up. :pinkiehappy:

I'd say this story is :moustache: aweso-- Punctually Remarkable :D

Oooh! Three new chapters already? Can't wait!:pinkiecrazy:

Ver good can't wait for more

Just a note: I'm fine with people disliking my story but would you mind telling me why so I can improve my writing. (Private messaging is fine if you don't want to discuss it in the open blogs.)

Very good can't wait for more.

So now Storm has conflicting feelings. You foreshadowed this oh so subtly in the last few chapters now didn't you:ajsmug: Now let's just wait for the inevitable cat fight (or Rainbow pleading to Storm that she loves him) and the also inevitable hesitation in body swapping

My best friend from school is a musician and wrote a song about Denorious for the 6th remix war. Here's a link if anyone wants to check it out. :rainbowdetermined2:

Very good looking foward to more.

This will eventually catch up with Shining and who knows, he might just lead the terrormonges to them in his current state if he doesn't realise it soon. Then the real shit storm will commence. Or so I think, but I don't know how this story progresses so...:twilightoops:

Did I call for this? I think I called for this. Oh why did I call for this? Now Dash is going to be heartbroken... Also now with new identity crisis on hand. Or... wait... would he...? Only one way out, and I'm not ready yet. My body is not ready:pinkiecrazy:

It's nice Silent Storm gets to be happy for a while, but he isn't Shining Armour. It's not who he's meant to be. And Rainbow Dash just tried to kill Twilight? She's never been one for listening. Also, I would mention that cleaver is spelt clever. Unless you wanted to say cleaver. But yeah, it's a great story and I love it and please post some more chapters soon!:twilightsmile:

Linked here from the song (which is awesome), and I'm honestly curious as to how a story can have almost 3000 views and only 23 thumbs total. :applejackconfused: Anyway, I think I'll give it a go and see what it's all about.

I have to be honest, this story is really pissing me off, and I don't (necessarily) mean that in a bad way. The plot is very well done and I genuinely want to know what happens... the problem is that parts of the story are getting in the way. Chris does a better job of explaining how I am feeling, but long story short, this story is a roller coaster of good and bad mixed together, and the inconsistency between the plot and the execution of it is what is bothering me.

Also, Denorious is a huuuuuge Mary Sue. Just saying.

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Could you please be more specific about what you do and don't like, maybe give some examples? I want to be a professional author and I'm doing MLP fan fics to get some writing experience, before starting on my real work, and I know that this isn't quite top quality yet. Is it the characters that are annoying (the Wonderbolts are meant to be)? The writing style? Something that seems illogical, or does it just need to be 20% cooler? :rainbowdetermined2:

P.S. how far have you gotten?

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I would be more than happy to do so. Just give me a while to get it all together.

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Alright, here we go.
One problem was that there was a decent amount of 'tell', by which I mean lines like these:

"If she had to put up with any more of their complaining, she felt like she was going to scream." (in the prologue, after the first linebreak)
The majority of paragraphs following this line are also a lot of telling, although somewhat justifiable because they are exposition. Still, you could most likely get the same information across through Dash's actions, perhaps during her conversation with Rarity a bit later on. I know that would be a lot of information to try and squeeze into a conversation, but from what I've seen of your work I think you would be capable enough to pull it off.

Another slight note is that after the first line break, we don't even really know where Dash is until about halfway through the chapter. You do tell us that she had had a long morning with the Wonderbolts (henceforth 'WB'), which could imply that she's in a locker room, but I don't really get a good feel for the setting, as there isn't any description of it. Not a huge deal, but I like to know where the characters are at any given time. :applejackunsure:

One of the things that really kicked me in the gut and made me want to walk away was Rarity. To make a point, I first want to say that Dash was very well done- she came off as jaded but still had that fiery spark that makes her awesome, which was well-justified and all-around commendable.
Now, Rarity was an entirely different story. She is portrayed here wildly out of character, and I don't think it was very well justified at all. In one year, it is true that people/ponies can change a great deal, but Rarity is one of the Elements of Harmony! I find it entirely implausible that she would have a sweatshop in her own home/office/thing after only one year of mixing with the elite in Canterlot, especially considering she is the Element of Generosity. That is a complete 180 in terms of character. For this to work out, I think you either need to tone down how crazy she's become or better justify it, though I would heavily recommend the former.
I'm sorry if I come off as angry, but this is a point that I really want to stress, and bluntness is a good way of doing that. :twilightsheepish:

Hey Rainbow Dash” It was Soarin' “come on, there's something you gotta see.”
>You need a comma before direct addresses- should be "Hey, Rainbow Dash". Also, missing commas at the end of 'Hey Dash' and 'it was Soarin'.
>there were a few points where I noticed missing or incorrect punctuation. I don't want to be that guy, but I don't really have the time to go back and reread the whole thing to try and find them. Sorry, I'll post the ones I do find in the course of this review.
“You are going to love her Dash, you hear all kinds of things about this pony’s famous exploits, she's a real hero.”
This sentence is a bit of a run-on, you might want to consider splitting it into two.

One thing that you did do quite well was with Soarin'. His speech and actions were very indicative of the way he thinks and his outlook on life, and also got your point about the WB as jerks across pretty well. More stuff like that will definitely help you.

Some of your scenes are a little confusing; my first example would be the scene where Dash is backstage, and all the Trixie/Not Trixie stuff is going on. I had a hard time following it mostly because of Dash's little aside comments like "NOT Trixie!"

End part 1 of X
(I have to go, but I'm not done with feedback yet, so I'll continue to go through stuff a bit later.)

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For Rarity being out of character; I think I was hard on her, but not beyond belief. Keep in mind that despite calling her the element of generosity, of everyone in the series, she's the most willing to take advantage of people: (in the episode where she is kidnapped by diamond dogs, Spike spends the entire day digging up an entire cartload of gems for her, and as a reward she gives him one gem, even though he did most of the work. :duck: In The Best Night Ever, she uses flirtation to get a couple random colts to pull the carriage. :duck: When they go camping and Scootaloo has nightmares, Rarity has Sweetie Bell slaving away under the massive cart of unnecessary luggage. Rarity seems completely oblivious that Sweetie Bell is struggling, and then when they stop she starts sending Sweetie Bell off on errands such as getting flowers for her bedside vase.:unsuresweetie: :unsuresweetie:) If Rarity is able to be that way towards people she loves, I can easily see her treating strangers who she's paying, even worse. (To be honest it really annoys me in the series how she always acts like this and it never gets her into trouble.)

As for her radically changing I did press the point is saying

how amazingly horrifyingly Canterlot could change somepony in a single year

. but I don't think it was that big of a change as it might seem.

Remember how in the episode Rarity falls in with the aristocracy of Canterlot in Sweet and Elite. She was with them for two days and she was lying to the celebrities, lying repeatedly to her friends, broke her resolution to make the fancy dress for Twilight, and almost denied her friends in front of the celebrities; in two days. If she had a hundred and fifty times as much time to change, I could easily see the show's Rarity becoming the Rarity of my story.

I don't see myself as having given her a 180 turn, I think I just exaggerated parts of her that were already there, such as her willingness to use people and her fetish for 'proper manners'
growing to a gargantuan extreme that no one could ever satisfy. :raritycry::raritydespair::raritycry:

(On a similar note that won't come into the story; Applejack tells more lies then any of the mane 6.) :ajsleepy:

P.S. Thanks for your feedback, and the punctuation corrections. :twilightsheepish:

It had taken two minutes retrieve their supplies from the cave
and so long as your out here
and are going to loose moral

1. Forgot your To in the middle
2. You're.
3. Lose.

Mentor, the answer should be mentor. Why didn't I think of this before?

Adrenalin, it does wonders for anyone/pony going to take immediate action. In this case, Dash finding the now (still doesn't admit yet) love of her life.:twilightsheepish:

2362256

Mentor, the answer should be mentor. Why didn't I think of this before?

???

2362298 His 'relationship' with Zecora. Forgot to clarify that at the end

as soon as you metioned the name denourious and her mane and fur colors i knew it was derpy lolz :rainbowdetermined2::derpytongue2::derpyderp1::derpyderp2:

Confused, might have to go back and reread.

2808020

Chapter 15 is probably the one you need to read.

OK I've been sitting on this chapter for three months and now the day after i post it I come up with a great extra piece of conversation. Here it is so people who've already read it don't have to go looking for it. :twilightblush::twilightblush:

“Three point four seconds is a long blink isn't it?”

Cadance grinned, “There was a speck of dust in my eye, by the time I had gotten it out the fight was over; thank you for not hurting him by the way.”

“You’re welcome. I will say though, he took losing a lot better than I expected him to. I mean, he was willing to support our marriage after that, even to your parents; if I’d known that earning his respect would be that easy I would have knocked him out years before that.”

Cadance blushed slightly, “Actually… I don’t think you beating him had much to do with him changing his mind.”
“What do you mean?”

“He was very upset that you beat him, he was even talking about an investigation to see if you cheated; I knew if that happened it would be a lot harder to convince my parents to let us get marry so… I threatened him.”

Shining Armor raised his eyebrows; “Really? With what?”

“I… shouldn’t talk about it.”

“I told you about the Rangers.”

“Well about four years ago, Blueblood dated this mare for a few months, but then it turned out she had been planted and was working with some professional criminals to try and break into one of my family’s vaults. When the plot was uncovered she turned on her culprits, giving enough evidence to convict the ringleaders, and with a lot of legal technicality managed to get off with just a few months sentence, but when she got out of jail she came after Blueblood.

“You mean she tried to kill him.”

“I think she actually fell in love with him. Blueblood was angry she had tried to use him and didn’t want to ever see her again, but ever since then she’s been trying to find out his schedule and book herself into shows he might visit, often under disguise, hoping to win him back.”

“Shows?”

“She’s a show mare, a unicorn, pretty powerful too though rather arrogant. I think her name was… Trixie? Anyways, after Blueblood was going to accuse you of cheating I told him that if he didn’t support our marriage I would invite Trixie to perform at the palace, his Canterlot estate and anywhere else he might be until either he married her or I married you. A few minutes later he sent a message to my parents saying that he approved of you. But it wasn’t enough. Even with him and Celestia backing us, my parents still refused to let us marry; and we had to wait another three years! It's not fair!"

had given her more working knowledge then many junior nurses
were more than just 'descent'

1. Than.
2. Decent.

You really blind sided me with that little 'expo' on Blueblood. I could visibly hear myself just say 'What?' before trying to shut my mouth from going any further.

It doesn't help that Evdog made that one song for this and makes me come to tears:raritycry:

But now, Storm and Shining will soon seem to have to face each other's demons in a way and of course, help with the identity crisis that Storm brought onto himself. One just wonders if Storm saw the Rainboom, he could remember things properly. Maybe.

Also, fimfic seemed to have gobbled up this update and didn't show in my favourites tab but on my feed. Dang, oh well.

She began galloping forewords, not knowing

1. Forward.

Chuck Norris jokes?.....

2852705

First two, yes; the rest I made up.

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YES!! :pinkiehappy::rainbowdetermined2:

If you didn't list down the reference to Denorious by Evdog, I would have!:rainbowlaugh:

Now for the intense debate to begin between 'Storm' and Shining.:twilightoops:

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