Twily lay under heavy covers, shivering, despite the warmth of the night as she blew her nose with yet another tissue while Storm stood solemnly over her. “I don't think I'll be able to make it tonight” she rasped faintly before breaking out into a coughing fit.
“I understand. Do you want me to stay home with you? The only reason I was going was because it was something you wanted to do.”
Twily shook her head weakly, “No. The tickets cost a lot and are non-refundable. You should go, and try to enjoy it for both of us.”
“Are you sure you'll be OK? You came down with this very suddenly; I mean you were fine just this morning.”
“I'm sure. I'll just stay in bed and do some light reading.” she indicated a pile of encyclopedias by the side of her bed, “It's probably not that bad but I should stay home just in case it's contagious.” Twily coughed a glob of phlegm into a tissue and discarded it into the bin.
“OK” conceded Storm, tucking her in warmly with his telekinesis. “Do you want me to pick you up a magic book on my way back?”
Before Twily could give the response they both knew would be 'yes', there was a knock at the front door. “I wonder” cough, “I wonder who that is” choked Twily, “Why don't you go have a look?” Storm closed Twily's door behind him and was half way down the stairs when he recognized the harmonious voice flowing down the hall.
“Hi Mrs. Starknight; Twilight passed on your message that you and Orion were going to be working again tonight; and needed me to foalsit.”
Storm waited a moment for his moment for is confused mother to respond, “I'm sorry Cadance, there must have been a misunderstanding. Orion and I are both here for the night.”
“Really? Twilight was quite insistent that you needed me to foalsit her tonight.”
“Twilight must have gotten things mixed up, which is strange because it's so unlike her. I'm very sorry for the inconvenience, but we don't need your services tonight.”
“It's no trouble at all Mrs. Starknight; could I please have a cup of hot coco before heading back to the palace?”
“Of course” Storm's mom opened the door for Cadance who, for a moment, couldn't hide the look of affection on her face when she saw Storm; “Hey Shining Armor,” she smiled before noticing the saddlebag he was wearing and the picnic basket on the bench, “You going somewhere tonight?”
“As a matter a fact I was just headed to the Canterlot Symphony Orchestra. Twily had wanted to go but now she's gotten sick, so I guess I'm going alone.”
“Oh dear, I hope she's not too sick.”
Storm looked to the top of the stairs to where Twily's door had opened a crack, just enough for say, the listening ear of a unicorn filly. “I'm sure she'll be fine.”
Cadance gave an understanding nod, “Well, have fun at your orchestra.”
“...Actually, if you wanted to come, then Twilight's ticket wouldn't be going to waste and we already have a packed picnic for two.”
Cadance shrugged, “My plans for the night have just been canceled so, why not; it could be fun.”
Cadance took the coco offered by Storm's mother and sculled it in a few swift gulps then trotted just outside and waited. Storm was about to follow when he caught the worried stare of his mother and knew that even with how little time she spent at home she wasn't ignorant about what was happening. Storm returned her gaze; trying to convey the false impression that he knew what he was doing and had some sort of idea as to how far he was willing to take this; 'we'll talk later' he mouthed before heading out after Cadance.
“Two days, six hours, twenty four minutes” said Cadance cheerfully as Storm rejoined her.
“What?”
“That's how long ago I mentioned to Twilight that I wanted to see the Canterlot Symphony Orchestra.”
“You told her where to send us?”
“Well so long as she's trying to pair us up, we might as well get her to send us somewhere we actually want to go; or would you prefer she went back to trying to set us up in the romance aisle of the library?”
“I withdraw my objection.”
“And just in case you have any stupid ideas running through your head, I wanted to see the orchestra and using Twilight to get you to buy me a ticket was the most convenient way for me to do that. So keep you're filthy hooves to yourself; understand?”
Storm looked at Cadance, her words had hurt him, but he instantly knew that they had hurt her twice as badly. Going out without Twily was extremely risky, and so extra precautions needed to be taken. “Understood, milady.”
The journey was uneventful, save for Cadance 'slipping' in a puddle and falling against Storm for balance; burying her face into mane for one ecstatic moment before steadying herself and moving on like nothing had happened. When they arrived at the outdoor theater, Cadance chose a spot near the top of the hill where she knew the acoustics would be best, and Storm chose a spot downwind of her, where he could smell the sweet aroma of her mane as it drifted in the night air. They said very little during the night, and neither of them were surprised to find a bouquet of flowers inside the picnic basket, or that Twily had packed another bottle of pomegranate juice and raspberry pie for 'her' dinner.
As the final act began its last piece, a gust of wind blew the edge of the blanket over their forehooves and before Storm could peel it back, Cadance reached out under the blanket and took Storm's hoof in her own. This was getting too far, too complicated, they were setting themselves up for too much heartbreak when this secret came uncovered. Storm knew that he had to end this before it went any further; but one look into those brilliant eyes; at that radiant smile and he knew he couldn't.
It had been a beautiful night, with an even more beautiful mare; after walking Cadance to the palace gates, it was late by the time Storm arrived home. His parents were both sleeping, but tiphoofing up the stairs he noticed Twily's light was still on and could faintly hear her pacing around the room muttering to herself, “Any day now, any day now, any day now they'll realize that they're perfect for each other. Any day now, any-”
“Twily?” Storm said, opening the door a moment later to find her curled into a ball on top of her covers, eyes closed, snoring softly, with a encyclopedia draped over her forelimbs to make the charade seem more believable. It was past her bedtime anyway. Storm took her book and stacked it beside her bed and then covered her up with a blanket so she wouldn't catch a real cold. “Goodnight Twily” he whispered before giving her a light kiss on the forehead and then turned to leave.
“B.B.” she mumbled as he reached the door.
“Well someone's sounding better.”
“I am, if I get a good night's sleep I'll probably be better by morning.”
“Glad to hear it.”
“How was your night?” asked Twily just as Storm was reaching for her light switch. “Mom says you went with Cadance.”
“It was... nice.”
“Did you kiss her?”
“No.” Storm answered resolutely as he turned the light off and left. He was telling the truth; he hadn't kissed Cadance and he knew he never would. One day this would all end, they would be separated; Cadance would probably get pressured by her mother into marrying some aristocratic pony that she didn't love, he would probably spend his life alone dreaming of her. If they kissed, they would be found out and it would be over; kissing her would be the biggest mistake he could possibly make.
Three nights later, he was kissing her; hard. His parents were gone and wouldn't be back until tomorrow morning, Twily had gone through two museums and six historical novels that day and would sleep through an ursa attack, and to make matters perfect, there was a raging thunderstorm outside, strong enough to disrupt any listening spell Ashaw could conjure. A few minutes earlier, the two of them had been giggling together about what a miserable time Ashaw must be having out in the rain, unable to see or hear anything. Their laughter, coupled with the sinking realization that for the first time since they had known each other, they were truly alone, in Storm's bedroom, had brought them to this moment. Now Storm had a decision to make, and he had to make it soon or else Cadance would make it for him.
Cadance kissed him with eager passion; drawing him into herself as she stepped backwards onto his bed, waiting expectantly for him to join her; he had to make a choice. “No.” His body urged him to answer otherwise, to let go of his self-control and take hold of a chance he may never have again; but he didn't think with that part of his body, and he knew both of them would regret this later if they did it.
“Shining Armor” whispered Cadance lifting her lips to his but Storm stepped back.
“Please don't tempt me Cadance!” begged Storm as he forced himself to tear his eyes away from the mare he loved. “We shouldn't do this until we’re married.”
“Then let's run away” invited Cadance, “Let's leave now, tonight. We catch the next train to Los Pegasus, we can be married by tomorrow and my parent's won't be able to stop us then. We start running and we never look back.”
It was a fantastic idea; though fantastically impossible. Cadance was forgetting that even if her mother couldn't reach them, her rage at Cadance could cause hurricanes and maybe even tsunamis, for the ponies of Oatlantis. She was forgetting how Celestia had taken responsibility for Cadance and if they eloped Searis could still cause a world of problems for the alicorn Storm was sworn to serve. If they left, it would deprive Twily of the only two ponies who really understood her; a cruel reward for everything she had done to help bring them together. Besides; how long did Cadance really think a stray alicorn could go unnoticed, or did she intend on asking him to slice her wings off? Cadance didn't see any of this; she only saw him, but he wouldn't let her throw everything away like this. He had a different idea. A slower, more difficult, more dangerous more honorable idea.
The Royal Guard was entirely meritocratic; family and blood mattered nothing, ability and hard work mattered everything. Storm's mana reserves were off the standard charts, and academically he was already near the top of his class; that was with playing sports on the weekends and taking random shifts at Donught Joe's. He could sacrifice those things, and pursue his training as fiercely as Twily did her studies. He would push himself to the limits, take every assignment he could and find the fastest route to promotion. For Cadance to marry a military grunt was one thing, but maybe if he was a sergeant or a lieutenant her parents might be more inclined to agree to their marriage. It would take time, maybe even five or six years, and for him especially it would be fraught with pain and danger; but he knew he could do it. One day, he promised her, he would earn enough rank or money or prestige or whatever it was her parents wanted for them to let him to marry Cadance legitimately.
That had been thirteen years ago.
Storm grinned and thought about the night he had almost spent with Cadance, wondering why he had ever passed such a golden opportunity. What would have happened if they had eloped thirteen years ago? What would their lives be like today? They might have their own twelve year old filly by now who acted like Twilight did then, wouldn't that be something? Or would it have been a colt? Would he or she have any brothers or sisters? What would they be like? What would their names be?
Reality reacquainted itself with Storm's mind like ice water on ashes. He did not and never would have any foals with Cadance. Shining Armor would, and he wasn't Shining Armor. Storm tried to clear his head. Every time he dreamed of Shining Armor's life, the more it seemed like that had been his real one and his own life had just been a bad dream he'd been forced to endure. But he wasn't Shining Armor he was... was... Death Walker? No, that was just what the changelings called him. Red Terror? No, that was a name the other Rangers had given him as a cadet. Murderer? NO! That was something he had done, it was how he saw himself, but it wasn't who he was! But he didn't want to be any of these things, he wanted to be-Storm! Silent Storm! That was his name! Storm shook his head slowly, yes, that is who he was, but it still wasn't who he wanted to be.
Storm realized he had been subconsciously snuggling into Cadance's soft coat and his recent jolt had woke her up. “Mmmm,” she mumbled, “You OK?”
“Just a dream; sorry for waking you.”
“It's alright; I was awake anyway, I was just thinking.”
“Oh yea, about what?”
“...Nothing.”
“Come on, tell me.” when Cadance didn't reply he thought about leaving the matter, a few days ago he would have, but now he actually wanted to know. “Maybe I can help.”
“Is this... is this the Everfree Forest?”
“Yes.”
Cadance turned to face him and looked him deep into the eyes, mustering her courage, “Is this where you've been coming to fight for all these years?”
“Yes.”
“...against what?”
Storm had only intended to give her basic answers, enough to tell her what she needed to know without frightening her; but once he began telling the truth, he couldn't stop himself and answers began flowing from him like a waterfall. He told her everything. He told her about the Rangers, the terrormongers, the changelings, the dragons, the ursas. He told her stories about missions he had done with Shining Armor, trying to imagine them from Shining Armor's perspective. He told her about Denorious, of the hope she had inspired and the way it crushed so many of the Rangers to lose her. He told her what it was like to have a friend die right in front of you, or to carry them to safety, knowing they would always be crippled or spend the rest of their lives in an insane asylum, and he told her what it was like to look into the eye of a Ranger who had been lost in the deep forest, to know they were too far gone and that you had to kill them. Storm had spent so many years alone, hoarding knowledge he thought he would never be able to share with anyone. All he had wanted was someone who would listen; someone who would understand.
And Cadance did understand.
She listened to every word he told her with rapturous attention; as though hearing the truth from him was even more life changing for her as telling it was for him. Storm talked until he was hoarse, at which point Cadance made him another bowl of the honey tea so he could continue; afraid that if he stopped talking he would never finish telling her the truth. Through all of this Cadance seemed uneasy, at times she wept unashamedly, but never once did she display the sort of fear that terrormongers could use to track them. Storm knew that she could never become a trained killer who could do what needed to be done; but he also understood that she needed to hear it, for her own sake, and felt absolute confidence that she would be able to keep the secret.
“Thank you” she said at last after Storm had finished telling her the last story to come to mind, “Thank you for finally trusting me enough to tell me the truth.”
“You didn't seem as shocked as I thought you might be.”
“I didn't know where it was you were going, but I knew it had to be bad. I watched the regiments of Royal Guards leaving Canterlot; I counted how many went out and... I counted how many came back. Then one day I was visiting the hospital and I found a hidden wing of the mental asylum where I recognized three of the ponies as being Royal Guards I had seen with you. For so long I've been scared, scared that one day you would go and wouldn't come back, and I would never know where you had gone or what you had died for.” Cadance snuggled closer to Storm, “If we don’t get out of this, at least I'll know why we died.”
This was getting too far, too complicated, Storm was setting himself up for too much heartbreak when this secret came uncovered. Storm knew that he had to end this before it went any further; but one look into those brilliant eyes, at that radiant smile and he knew he couldn't. Cadance leaned over to kiss Storm, and this time he did not pull away but reciprocated, reveling in the ardor of the moment before it passed. When after what seemed like minutes, yet felt days too short, Cadance pulled away to let him breath and memory flickered inside Storm's mind. “I remember” he grinned, “You're cutie mark; your special talent is a memory spell that will make someone remember the time when they were most in love.”
Cadance beamed joyfully at him, “That's right! If you're still having trouble remembering me or your life, it might help restore what you've lost.”
“I would like that. Please, do it to me.”
Cadance's horn flared with magic, and memories seemed to explode on him from both sides; his and Shining Armor's. It was as though he were standing in a junction between two rivers raging in opposite directions. One river was crystal clear and in it he could see frolicking Cadance, Twily, his parents, and a dozen friends from the Royal Guard all waiting for him back in Canterlot. The other was blackened with regret, and held the floating corpses of everyone he had ever held dear; Silver, Straight Hack, his parents, Denorious and the very few friends he had ever made in the Rangers.
The spell swirled around him, growing stronger. He saw the surprise birthday party Shining Armor had helped Twily throw for Cadance, with balloons and streamers and a cake large enough Twily could have fit inside it. He saw himself and Silver huddled under a bridge as Silver made mud pies with sticks for candles and sang happy birthday to him. He saw their hopes for the future; Shining Armor, married to Cadance in a house filled with foals and a glimmering career, while in his own future he saw only blackness.
The rivers turned to rapids and he realized what was happening. The spell could not comprehend two sets of memories and so one of the lives had to make way for the other. One set of memories would become his only memories while the other one would be locked away forever; and joy engulfed him when he realized that he got to decide.
He chose the life he wanted.
Did I call for this? I think I called for this. Oh why did I call for this? Now Dash is going to be heartbroken... Also now with new identity crisis on hand. Or... wait... would he...? Only one way out, and I'm not ready yet. My body is not ready
It's nice Silent Storm gets to be happy for a while, but he isn't Shining Armour. It's not who he's meant to be. And Rainbow Dash just tried to kill Twilight? She's never been one for listening. Also, I would mention that cleaver is spelt clever. Unless you wanted to say cleaver. But yeah, it's a great story and I love it and please post some more chapters soon!
Linked here from the song (which is awesome), and I'm honestly curious as to how a story can have almost 3000 views and only 23 thumbs total. Anyway, I think I'll give it a go and see what it's all about.
I have to be honest, this story is really pissing me off, and I don't (necessarily) mean that in a bad way. The plot is very well done and I genuinely want to know what happens... the problem is that parts of the story are getting in the way. Chris does a better job of explaining how I am feeling, but long story short, this story is a roller coaster of good and bad mixed together, and the inconsistency between the plot and the execution of it is what is bothering me.
Also, Denorious is a huuuuuge Mary Sue. Just saying.
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Could you please be more specific about what you do and don't like, maybe give some examples? I want to be a professional author and I'm doing MLP fan fics to get some writing experience, before starting on my real work, and I know that this isn't quite top quality yet. Is it the characters that are annoying (the Wonderbolts are meant to be)? The writing style? Something that seems illogical, or does it just need to be 20% cooler?
P.S. how far have you gotten?
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I would be more than happy to do so. Just give me a while to get it all together.
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Alright, here we go.
One problem was that there was a decent amount of 'tell', by which I mean lines like these:
"If she had to put up with any more of their complaining, she felt like she was going to scream." (in the prologue, after the first linebreak)
The majority of paragraphs following this line are also a lot of telling, although somewhat justifiable because they are exposition. Still, you could most likely get the same information across through Dash's actions, perhaps during her conversation with Rarity a bit later on. I know that would be a lot of information to try and squeeze into a conversation, but from what I've seen of your work I think you would be capable enough to pull it off.
Another slight note is that after the first line break, we don't even really know where Dash is until about halfway through the chapter. You do tell us that she had had a long morning with the Wonderbolts (henceforth 'WB'), which could imply that she's in a locker room, but I don't really get a good feel for the setting, as there isn't any description of it. Not a huge deal, but I like to know where the characters are at any given time.
One of the things that really kicked me in the gut and made me want to walk away was Rarity. To make a point, I first want to say that Dash was very well done- she came off as jaded but still had that fiery spark that makes her awesome, which was well-justified and all-around commendable.
Now, Rarity was an entirely different story. She is portrayed here wildly out of character, and I don't think it was very well justified at all. In one year, it is true that people/ponies can change a great deal, but Rarity is one of the Elements of Harmony! I find it entirely implausible that she would have a sweatshop in her own home/office/thing after only one year of mixing with the elite in Canterlot, especially considering she is the Element of Generosity. That is a complete 180 in terms of character. For this to work out, I think you either need to tone down how crazy she's become or better justify it, though I would heavily recommend the former.
I'm sorry if I come off as angry, but this is a point that I really want to stress, and bluntness is a good way of doing that.
“Hey Rainbow Dash” It was Soarin' “come on, there's something you gotta see.”
>You need a comma before direct addresses- should be "Hey, Rainbow Dash". Also, missing commas at the end of 'Hey Dash' and 'it was Soarin'.
>there were a few points where I noticed missing or incorrect punctuation. I don't want to be that guy, but I don't really have the time to go back and reread the whole thing to try and find them. Sorry, I'll post the ones I do find in the course of this review.
“You are going to love her Dash, you hear all kinds of things about this pony’s famous exploits, she's a real hero.”
This sentence is a bit of a run-on, you might want to consider splitting it into two.
One thing that you did do quite well was with Soarin'. His speech and actions were very indicative of the way he thinks and his outlook on life, and also got your point about the WB as jerks across pretty well. More stuff like that will definitely help you.
Some of your scenes are a little confusing; my first example would be the scene where Dash is backstage, and all the Trixie/Not Trixie stuff is going on. I had a hard time following it mostly because of Dash's little aside comments like "NOT Trixie!"
End part 1 of X
(I have to go, but I'm not done with feedback yet, so I'll continue to go through stuff a bit later.)
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For Rarity being out of character; I think I was hard on her, but not beyond belief. Keep in mind that despite calling her the element of generosity, of everyone in the series, she's the most willing to take advantage of people: (in the episode where she is kidnapped by diamond dogs, Spike spends the entire day digging up an entire cartload of gems for her, and as a reward she gives him one gem, even though he did most of the work. In The Best Night Ever, she uses flirtation to get a couple random colts to pull the carriage. When they go camping and Scootaloo has nightmares, Rarity has Sweetie Bell slaving away under the massive cart of unnecessary luggage. Rarity seems completely oblivious that Sweetie Bell is struggling, and then when they stop she starts sending Sweetie Bell off on errands such as getting flowers for her bedside vase. ) If Rarity is able to be that way towards people she loves, I can easily see her treating strangers who she's paying, even worse. (To be honest it really annoys me in the series how she always acts like this and it never gets her into trouble.)
As for her radically changing I did press the point is saying
. but I don't think it was that big of a change as it might seem.
Remember how in the episode Rarity falls in with the aristocracy of Canterlot in Sweet and Elite. She was with them for two days and she was lying to the celebrities, lying repeatedly to her friends, broke her resolution to make the fancy dress for Twilight, and almost denied her friends in front of the celebrities; in two days. If she had a hundred and fifty times as much time to change, I could easily see the show's Rarity becoming the Rarity of my story.
I don't see myself as having given her a 180 turn, I think I just exaggerated parts of her that were already there, such as her willingness to use people and her fetish for 'proper manners'
growing to a gargantuan extreme that no one could ever satisfy.
(On a similar note that won't come into the story; Applejack tells more lies then any of the mane 6.)
P.S. Thanks for your feedback, and the punctuation corrections.
Ok, I know I'm fairly late to the whole party, but there was just one thing I wanted to point out. Saying that there are "now two Shining Amours" kinda undermines the tension that could have been created a the end of this chapter. We don't need to know what life he chose straight away, and even if you wanted to tell us it would be better as part of the story rather than set aside into an authors note.
Despite small things like that, this is a quite enjoyable story. Nice one.