• Member Since 17th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen 37 minutes ago

Jacoboby1


T

Celestia's School of Gifted Unicorns has suffered the loss of a teacher and it's up to Private to find out why. Under the guise of a learning environment fester dark secrets that go back years. Twilight is with Private on this case but something is on her mind. As if that wasn't bad enough a boastful pony named Trixie has shown up to "help" solve the case. But what secrets does the unicorn show off hide?

*Warning this story contains references to sex and not of the wanted kind*

Chapters (6)
Comments ( 83 )

You need more punctuation. A lot more.

Also, if there was a murder, wouldn't any detective worth his salt not be distracted by a showmare? He's there to investigate a murder, not embarrass civilians.

1302452He's also a keeper of the peace, if somepony is causing a rukus he's there to sort it out.

1302500I posted this late last night I don't think I was thinking straight when I made that mistake

1302475 Yes, but...priorities. It also wasn't a ruckus, it was a show. Like Trixie does. For a living? You know. Seemed more to me that you just put that in there to show how cool your oc is, but that might just be me. :trollestia:

1302540I didn't mean it in that respect. Really it was Private's personality taking over, besides everypony else was more then happy to challenge Trixie when she came to Ponyville.

1302568 Yes, but had Trixie shown up in the wake of a murder (something unheard of in FiM canon), she would have been ignored. I can't imagine any character being like "Oh my god, a murder! But first, let me give this showmare what-for." Doesn't work.

1302586 It just makes it difficult to read. The beginning being so focused on sex also kind of threw me. Equestria is more or less a utopia, so to have a story saying that coercive sex is the norm (also, it's called rape, not whatever weird phrasing you used in the description), with mares being the ones coerced (this is a matriarchy, vs our own patriarchy), really quite confused me. That was another thing I was thinking you put in there to show how awesomely nice your OC is (which, 'not a rapist' isn't something to point out to admire. One isn't supposed to rape. It's like when guys hit on me and say 'but I've never been to jail!' You're not supposed to go to jail, I'm not going to swoon over you for doing the bare minimum).:facehoof:

1302606You're totally right, I am disapointed with myself of how this turned out, I'm going to see about rewriting this chapter...

BAHAHA! Privatelicious...
Anyways, review time!

As a previous commenter said, there is a few punctuation mistakes. There doesn't seem to be any commas in the chapter. Something like "You love me, admit it" sounds much better than "You love me admit it" Also 1 grammer mistake, "an Cerberus" but hey, nobodys perfect.
Anyway on to the plot. It's good to see some more romance between Twilight and Private. Obviously Twilight's trying to read up on how to be good in the bedroom... Also interesting on Twilight's diary, she's still her nervous self as usual. Trixie made a good cameo, a very realistic approach to her character. High and mighty, but when Private disproved her she started to get nervous, eventually quitting.
Another commenter said how it was stupid that Private shouldn't have got distracted by Trixie but when a big obnoxious showmare is near your crime scene, you're hardly going to not be annoyed.

Good start to the case, just look to see where commas might be needed.

Now that you re-wrote it, this is so much better! Private was a lot more engaging as a character, and adding Trixie in this way instead was a lot better :pinkiesmile: I revoke my dislike now that it's redone :twilightsmile:

1304038Thanks for saving me from the barrage of hate that would've come from my last attempt :pinkiehappy:

1304049 No problem :twilightsmile: It's a great premise (I fricking love noir stories) and you were willing to take feedback gracefully! Tracking ^^

1304067:twilightsmile: I just really appreciate the fact that somepony was willing to tell it like it is

1304070 If you ever need that, give me a holler. I've got brutal honesty in spades :ajsmug:

Well Twilight has been having some fantastic reunions today hasn't she?

1304606Expect happy reunions later though

1304823
what kind of happy like actual happy ones or the sarcastic happy were it really will just end in disaster

1305237I mean she'll meet somepony familiar and it'll be a good thing

Ah, sorry I couldn't review the last chapter update, I was on the laptop and by the time I was finished this morning it was time for school so couldn't log in to FIMFiction. Also recently I've started reading Private's lines in Phelp's voice, it somehow actually adds to the story!

Anyway, lets get down to this

/shades

Great and Powerful review.

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

First off, I like how you're going with the chapters "Spelled" at the start. It's a nice touch. It's great to see Private working with more of the show's characters and I can see tension will build between Trixie and Twilight. Maybe try to compete for his affection, but thats just an idea in my head.
No grammar mistakes from what i can see, good punctuation.
Plot: Trixie's personality is excellent, exactly as she is on the show. She's still being a bit of a show off but she genuinely cares for this murder case. It will be interesting when her and Twilight meet. Wander seems like a sweet old man but I guess looks can be deceiving. I really believed he was innocent but now I'm having doubts, yet there's a small feeling telling me he might be getting framed. It is possible if he loved her like you said, that he came on to her. He seemed portrayed as almost madly in love with Nightspeller perhaps to the point where he would want to rape her. Interesting theories going off in my mind at the moment but I have a feeling there still will be more characters introduced.

Good work and I have to say, the rewrite adds much better to chapter 2 than the first one.

1309132I just hope I can keep it up until the end...things are going to get hairy in the next couple of chapters...

1309132Also...*takes off the shades and shoots them with shotgun* Nice try sneaking that joke in...

1309513 I guess this joke has been

/shades

Blown out of proportion

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!

/Highfives Phsyco me

1309589Alright that's it! *Chases Psycho you with shotgun* Get back here so I can kill the joke...wait no that wasn't-
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
:ajbemused: damn it...

1309614 Looks like...

/shades

The joke's on you

YEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

*pulls out M60* just in case you get any ideas with your shotgun.

1310679
don't worry *draws beam katana* I've got your back

Methinks the mare doth protest too much. Moondancer, not Trixie.

I predict now that the vile Moondancer is, in fact, the murderer. Furthermore, I predict that she is framing Trixie. That may or may not have to do with the serious sympathy I currently am feeling for your version of Trixie.

Damn, that was an intense ending. Really good piece of writing!

Review time!

Just a few grammer mistakes, such as "Proposal form Wander" should be "Proposal from Wander". I saw also there was a seen where Private "preyed" instead of "prayed" other than this though all I saw was one punctuation mistake, where Private gets between the girls. There should have probably been a comma before the and in that sentence.
Plot: Damn so many twists. First I was sure it was Wander but now all evidence points to Trixie. Still I have a sneaky feeling Moondancer has something to do with this. There was a lot of intensity towards the end, where I just really could not take my eyes off the screen. I laughed a bit when Forceps closely examines Nightspellers vagina. The cliffhangar ended perfectly, making me really want to know what happens in chapter 4. I do feel sorry for Trixie, who now seems broken after Moondancer revealed her secret.

Overall fantastic chapter, keep up the good work!

D'awww, that was so cute. I shed a tea-I mean, uh, uh...
REVIEW TIME!

Saw something near start-middle where a comma should've been, not sure where.
Plot: It's great to see Twilight and Private's love life is getting better and better. Also nice to hear that Cadence can liquify toast just as good as Sweetie Belle. I laughed as I imagined Potso with his accordian outside the window with a really creepy Me Gusta face. It was sad to hear about Trixie's past and it shows how traumatic it really was when she thinks Private and Twilight were her parents and she fears them. Now that Moondancer slinked into the shadows after telling everyone Trixie did it makes me more and more suspicious that she is the murderer, not Trixie. Also have a suspicion that they are related and she blames Trixie for what happened to their show but hey, that's just my overactive brain.

A great love chapter, strengthening the bond between Twilight and Private

1318500Just fits with their personalities. They both are used to owning up to a situation. If one of them fails it's a big deal I just figured it would come up sometime

Music Man reference spotted. :pinkiehappy:

1319377You get a yea for that my good man! :yay:

Accordion..........

....

ACCORDION!


Okay, I'm sorry. That was a bit of an overreaction.

Anyway, a heavily emotional chapter. I thought that I'd seen just how pitiable Trixie could be before I read this. Thought was the key word in the sentence. I now am firmly entrenched in the belief that Moondancer is connected to the murder. The fact that she knew Trixie's secret implies that she was trusted by Trixie, perhaps trusted enough to have access to a locket and sapphire clamp? Furthermore, we never see Trixie with Private's journal, only Moondancer.

Shit dude, that was intense...again.

REVIEW TIME!

Still 1 or 2 places where commas should have been but that's all.
Plot: I could only imagine Trixie as Sweetie Belle making breakfast, except maybe a little better. On to emotions!
I felt sorry for Trixie when she starts to cry after realizing Twilight and Private are her friends. It must be hard on her to go 20 or so years without friends. It was also good that she realised she wasn't the greatest pony on earth, saying Twilight was better at magic and Private as a detective. I must say though, I laughed at the "Moondancer! Trixie is very pissed at you!"
Good ending to the story, epilogue shall be interesting to say the least.

One last question. Will the series go by in real time? If so, are we going to have to wait 6 months for Cadance to give birth?

It appears my prediction was correct. Granted, its a prediction I probably wouldn't have made if Moondancer wasn't written as well as she was.

Also, I'm a bit confused/curious about the chanting. Was it just a part of the Magic of Friendship, or was there something more there? I'm guessing the former, but I can't seem to shake the latter from my mind.

1325670It's a mystery I'll explain partially as the series goes on. Let's just say that Private is a lot more important to the Mane six then just being a good friend

1325280There are gaps in between cases like for example the first two had a week gap between them that I explain. Cadence won't give birth until at least case 13 by the looks of it. I'll see if I can tie her giving birth into the plot

1325974 Maybe even a side story!

Comment above is in relation to the last chapter, don't know how it ended up on this.

Anyway, another case closed! The big one zero is coming up next and your side story. So keep on trucking. Or bucking. Wait...

BUCKING SOUNDS GOOD.

Shut the fuck up.

I like the Hercule Poirot Reference.

1327081I didn't think anybody would pick that up!

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