Although Chrysalis had no doubt that her plan was going to work she had to sure that, if her plan were to fail, that her race would survive. But her plan failed, utterly and completely failed. She had thought that her plan was fool proof but one mere child had managed to derail her plans in one fell swoop. Oh how the queen wanted her revenge and oh she was going to get it. She reveled in the irony of the situation for the pony that had sentenced her and all her children to a slow, painful death in the bad lands would also be the savior of her race. So as the Queen released her final breath she was content in her final revenge.
Thank Pink Pearl for the cover art
Big thanks to Arctic for doing chapters 1-14 on this story!
Chapters (17)
A few errors here and there like not capitalizing a character's name a few times, and that Dashie or Dash thing you did in the dream sequence at the beginning (where you typed Dashe) I make lots of mistakes myself so I am probably missing several others too.
Still decent story, dood. Keep it up.
EDIT: Oh shit...first, dood!
1781173
Thanks for catching that I went though it and I think I got them all
Decent story. Have some Pinkies.
1781278
Thanks I've never had pinkeys before
Man I love this story. More please
I haven't done a review in a while... Here goes.
There are a lot of formatting and punctuation errors, but I've seen worse and the story was still readable. Most of the problems are with dialogue and quotation marks. You might want to find an editor to help you on future chapters, and to fix up this one.
Take a break from the Internet for a little bit. This kind of thing takes readers out of the story.
It's an interesting concept, but I think it needs to have a bit more emotional weight to it. The scenes were a bit short and bland, but there's definitely a lot of potential. I think you also need to explain at some point how Twilight became a changeling - it's kind of vague at this point. How was Chrysalis just now able to do this to Twilight, while Twilight was asleep at home?
Overall, a decent start, so keep going with it.
What 1781457 said. Also, I would suggest slowing down a bit, the pacing is really quick. Flesh out the story a bit more. You could delve more into Twilight's thoughts and feelings, not to mention Spike's. Even if the change makes it easier for her to hide her emotions, she's still having them.
Interesting concept, but the execution is rushed and sloppy. Don't be afraid to take your time and build some emotional weight, as 1781457 put it. Also, you should really pay closer attention to grammar, punctuation, word choice, etc. Little things like commas might not seem very important, but using them correctly makes a story work better as a whole.
1781686>>1781475>>1781457
Thank you all for the honesty I'll do what I can and later in the story her transformation will be explained
And to all you that faved this story i must thank you because in the first two hours this story has received 16 favs
I would like to point out canonly Twilight is a good scary story teller, much more effective than Rainbow.
Season 1, Episode 8
Holy shit the people you got on this story.
Well, this is a story I've seen before... several times... and proceeds in exactly the same way... including Rainbow being the first victim of Changelight Darkle.
And yet somehow it manages to be the most feeble attempt.
You definetly got this idea from the story 'The Queens revenge'. You even have the same cover art it originally had
1781849
While there may be similarities I had bugun writing this before I read it
1781873 haha. I've done that a few times. Happens to everyone
nice, definsntly reading later
1781739
Yeah, tell me about it.
You've got some pacing and formating issues, specifically punctuation. Other than that, this is off to a good start.
Thank you all for your positive feedback and not so positive feedback*glare at Alondro* and know that at this very moment that I am editing the first chapter to be even better you all have a great day
story felt rushed.
ok guys chapter one is up and edited i ask that you please read the edited version. Well i got homework to do so hope you enjoy the new and improved chapter one magicbronie24 signing off
1781849>>1781873>>1781894
Haha, yes. This is what I was thinking when I saw this one. Almost raged.
Thanks for the call out Chaos.
Did I manage to take the name from you? I'm just courious, or was the Queen's Final Revenge the original title.
-Oh, faving to see where this goes.
1783138
A Queens final revenge was the original title but it is funny how close they are isn't it
1784084
Actually, yeah.
Time to read and steal ideas!I wish you luck in your fic. As luck should have it, our fics seem to be heading in different directions, so it shouldn't be a big problem.
I don't like this twilight
deceving and a bit cocky
Say, I keep getting this error while trying to submit this story of mine
"Permissions required for this action were not met (action: submitting story)"
But the thing is that I have followed all the guidelines and this didn't start to happen until after the site update, won't let me post comments on authors support either, so can anypony, ling, or body help me.
1785007 sorry i got nothing maybe all the mods are asleep. Thats my best guess
1785670 ok and keep up the good work.
1785746
Thanks man I will
please update soon? !
>>PinkPearl
I am trying to get up the next chapter. My goal is next Wednesday but my life is busy so its more likely to be Friday. I got hokey almost every day and school too so i'll do what i can
Okay guys look I know what you're going to say "Why didn't he tell us what Rainbow looked like." Well here's the thing, I'm terrible at describing things so I thought "Instead of ruin the story with a bad description I think I'll use a picture." plus i get to give sum serious props to one of my fav deviants LO-23 (really check him out he's pretty awesome) Oh and FIRST
1821136 I like the little homage to the kids and teachers in Connecticut. That was terrible what happened and I'm glad the shooter is dead. In happier news, i like this story and can't wait for more
MORE!!! xxxxxx
1821227>>1821221
Thank you both very much. I'm quit like this chapter myself because I was far ahead of scedual I thought for sure that this would take me untill Thursday or Friday but nope Tuesday it is
1821316
for being ahead of schedule
Nice story bro.keep at it,and can you me your profille pick plz
email
OK those are Bucking cool changlings. I like them alot.
Man, Twi's getting into her new role pretty easily.
Hello! Like the story so far, and I love how she looks. So pretty and purple.
Oh and I noticed a simple error:
There should be: their. The hooves are apart of their bodies and they own them. There is for: look over there, the apples are up there, and other types of locations.
Wow Twi. That was one quick change from confused and nervous to conniving and deceitful.
1821136
Oh I've seen the pic before! I just absolutely love it!
1822192>>1821833
I'll explain what happened while Dash was asleep that made Twi so confident in the next chapter
1822282>>1821713
I found it on Google, just search cute Christmas Twilight
1821393
Agreed
Thank you all for your support in my story it is much appreciated
I know its early but for an awesome story i give you an awesome Christmas picturei.chzbgr.com/completestore/12/12/5/b7hTzuUdkU6NzA0RygsgKw2.jpg
1847074
Thank you sir I accept your derpy with pride
lol this is AWESOME!! but seriosuly. please update more often if you can. this story is awesome
It was an okay chapter. I do think making a reference to the Newtown shootings was unnecessary and could've been done without.
*allowed